Counselling & Psychotherapy

Excessive Habits, Drives, Out Of Control Compulsions & Addictions We can get in a habit of numbing our unwanted or unbearable f e e l i n g s through impulsive or compulsive behaviours, temporarily filling our void, so we can f e e l release or alter our mood. We may experience an initial "rush" or "buzz", temporary "high" & want to "zone out”, or to simply close down other difficult aspects of our l i f e, to avoid or escape our pain. These can range from a need for serial, yet uncommitted relationships or love addiction, overworking, comfort eating or binge eating, gaming, internet pornography, gambling, binge drinking, alcohol, exercise etc. What starts off as a need for comfort to take our anxiety away, or for temporarily filling our emptiness, may become a coping strategy & end up making us f e e l dependent. Believing this is the only way to f e e l good, we get an initial high, followed by a deeper low. We feed our "habit of choice" more and more, to take us out of that deeper low, yet usually f e e l progressively worse. Feeling confused or angry, we may vow to o u r s e l v e s "No more", and mean it at the time. And on it goes. Meanwhile the unwanted, unbearable f e e l i n g s are still there, as we f e e l more disconnected. Negative consequences may include slowly deteriorating physical or mental health, relationships beginning to suffer. The following model summarises what we can end up doing to o u r s e l v e s over time.

Problem Can Become Addiction Our behaviour may become compulsive or obsessive, as we become preoccupied. How we f e e l about o u r s e l v e s diminishes. Our behaviour starts to affect not only us but also others, and we may deny or rationalise our problem, twisting logic to suit our behaviour, as the quality of l i f e around us deteriorates.

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything Johnny Cash

Counselling & Psychotherapy can help people who are willing to address, with commitment & honesty, their out of control habits, addictions or dependency:

• Comfort eating, overeating, binge eating
• Problematic Shopping habit or addiction, shopaholic
• Love addiction
• Out of control exercising
• Overworking, workaholism
• Alcoholism, alcohol concerns, being an alcoholic
• "Communication addiction" - excessive emailing, texting, messaging, telephone, etc.
• Computer addiction & internet overuse or misuse
• Games addiction - console or video games, virtual reality gaming
• Internet sex & pornography addiction - compulsive online sexual habit, cybersex or cyber relationships, cyber affairs, online sex, the dark side of the internet

Counselling & psychotherapy can also help men & women living with someone with an addictive problem.

Counselling London Psychotherapy Camden
Internet Sex & Pornography Addiction

Cybersex Background The internet provides fresh & different ways to contact others. It can be a valuable & healthy way to meet males & females. Chatrooms and specialist websites can be useful way to find others whose interests are similar. It can also help us save time, often giving us the illusion of sexual confidence. The internet for most people is the starting point to developing relationships. Yet often when we follow through by meeting our online contacts in the flesh it doesn't work out because the subtle courtship steps were filtered or omitted. This affects the depth, quality & realness of the relationship. How a person looks, smells, subtle body movements, their tone of voice & other nuances get missed, unless we meet up. Even if the person is "live on screen" roles can be played & subtle communication can be misunderstood as can sense of humour & type of personality. The internet cuts corners & condenses this courtship, yet it takes a long time to build healthy, romantic relationship, which requires companionship & real physical contact.

Our Secret We can have all the trappings of l i f e: money, authority, status, prestige, responsibility, yet have a cyber sex secret.

From Curiosity To Problem What can start of as curiosity about online sexual activities, cybersex, cyber affairs or cyber-relationships, can end up being overused, problematic or obsessive. We may have a problem with the dark side of the internet, f e e l i n g in some ways imprisoned by a misuse or abuse of porn.

Out Of Control A lot of us have an unacknowledged part of our sexuality. The Internet gives us a way to look at this, yet we may not know how to put the brakes on and stop exploring. Feeling overwhelmed, it can quickly become our sexual obsession. Fantasy & reality can blur.

Rationalising Our Behaviour We rationalise the way we act to excuse & justify our sexual actions. We can even believe our own impaired and distorted thinking - persuading & justifying to o u r s e l v e s that we are doing nothing wrong, e.g. "I don't have a problem", "Internet pornography has nothing to do with infidelity", "It's not affecting me or others."

Caught In The Trap Allured by the visual stimulation & menu of temptations of what's before us, the deeper we engage in our online sexual activity, the harder it is to get out of this trap. We may have become "caught in the web".

Need For Help Some of us need to wait until we are forced to do something about our problem by our partner, family member, friend or the legal system. Sometimes it's as if we are waiting to be found out. When our problem has been revealed, we can often f e e l a sense of relief that we are now doing something about it. Others choose to initiate help themselves. Either way we need help.

Regaining Control You may have difficulties controlling Internet usage & need help to regain control in your l i f e.

Unable To Stop We can choose to put sex above & beyond all our activities. We can become lonely, hungry & tired. We may know, deep inside, that we need other people in our l i f e, yet can't stop our world of cybersex, and find it difficult to trust others.

Losing o u r s e l v e s Feeling pulled & compelled we slip deeper into the world of cybersex, as if we are in a bubble and lose o u r s e l v e s, in a trance-like state, our perception, values & time become distorted. We lose our own momentum. Preoccupied, not only our time online is consumed by cybersex, but also the time we spend thinking about it away from the computer.

Preoccupation We can be preoccupied with searching for triggers and objectifying the person linked to our source of arousal.

Sense Of Isolation Believing we are unlovable & unworthy, we conclude that others cannot meet our needs, so we escape into sexually explicit websites in order to bear our loneliness, yet our isolation increases the more hooked we are to online sex. The sex can become so important, it can almost become our reason for living, yet inside we can f e e l barren or lost. We can also f e e l dirty or as if our l i f e is stagnating.

Side Effects Searching for another "buzz", many of us may become dependent on other substances

Risks & Consequences We can relieve our stress & f e e l temporarily better by visiting internet pornography sites, whatever the consequences. We become no longer aware of risk or consequences.

Illusion Of Safety Experiencing a more real form of sex can seem complicated or risky, needing much effort. Whereas in our fantasy world our fantasy sex gives us a fantasy of safety.

What & Who Is Real What we notice online is usually limited to exactly what people want us to know. Usually they, and sometimes we, are playing roles, which have little bearing in our "other" l i f e. When we lose touch of who we are we are no longer true to o u r s e l v e s.

Incomplete or Pseudo World The internet provides an incomplete or pseudo world, where we can find "a partner", communicate with them, see & hear them, and have sex. However, the senses of touch, smell, taste and much more are absent. Healthy ways of attracting, dating & courting may also be absent. Intimacy is not rounded. The lens with which we see others, and how we are seen, is split. The quality of the relationship is impaired. Often we can kid o u r s e l v e s that we are experiencing full & real human contact, yet in fact the contact is through a machine, the sex is fantasy in a fantasy world.

Fear Many of us can fear intimacy, or ending their relationship. In an attempt to avoid our fear & anxiety, about our ability to cope with rejection & abandonment we compulsively masturbate.

Intimacy The challenges of sex with a real partner include mundaneness & complexity. Our partner may say "No" to sex or be unwilling to explore all our sexual fantasies. True intimacy requires physical connection. Being physically in touch with someone, we get a stronger sense of who they actually are, over the natural time it takes to develop a rounded relationship. The experience of time gets distorted, where we can "lose" o u r s e l v e s in virtual relationships. Discovering, noticing & flirting with someone in real encounters, in real time, provides a deeper & natural experience. In flesh & blood relationships we need to consider others' needs and we can't so easily delete, or pretend things didn't happen, as online by clicking a mouse. (For details see Unmet Love Needs)

Soulless Hooked in the world of cybersex, we f e e l barren - emotionally & spiritually void in our closed world, f e e l i n g isolated, the s e l f we once knew reduces, caught in our misery & pain. What was once our guiding inner voice that gave us protective boundaries, collapses as we no longer care or think about our actions. It is as if our l i f e is sapping away & we have a hole in our soul.

Behavioural Effects

• Preoccupation with internet sex
• Loss of focus in our home & at work
• Relationships with partner, family & friends, work colleagues in crisis or jeopardy
• Undermines our career, including lost productivity as we go "missing" at work
• Frequent unsuccessful efforts to stop or control engaging in online sex
• Secrets & lies
• Crosses many boundaries with o u r s e l v e s & others
• Blaming others
• Places us in compromising positions
• Splits our behaviour, as we live in two worlds
• Compartmentalisation of our secret, private, hidden world Illusion of control
• Prevents us doing other tasks & activities
• Difficulties relating & maintaining positive, healthy relationships, intimacy difficulties (see Relationship Counselling & Marriage Guidance)
• Difficulties seeing what's happening to us or finding ways to control our behaviour
• Using sex as a means of avoiding problems or relief of our f e e l i n g s, e.g. shame, guilt, helplessness, depression, anxiety, low confidence, s e l f-esteem
• Searching for intensified or riskier sexual experiences
• Turning to substances
• Involving in illegal acts
• Our finances suffer, usually much more than we care to imagine.
• Our physical, emotional, psychological, sexual & spiritual health

Familiar Feelings In the situation you are in, you may experience a range of emotions & f e e l i n g s, including:

• Concern
• Sadness
• Confusion
• Frustration
• Anger
• Fear of rejection or intimacy
• Loss
• Sadness & Despair
• Remoteness
• Lost vitality
• Alienation (see also Life Direction & Existential Concerns)
• Hopelessness
• Helplessness, wondering how this can be happening to us
• Plummeting s e l f-esteem
• Restlessness & irritability when trying to stop
• Being trapped
• Shame & remorse
• Feeling as we are losing our sanity
• Trance like state, where time slips by
• Mood swings, depression, guilt

Hope Painful though some of these f e e l i n g s are, they can also be a positive sign, meaning that you may be ready to honestly look at yourself how you live your l i f e.

Role Of Psychotherapy My role is to support you in making positive changes in your l i f e to help you understand the significance of your problem, so you can:

• Participate & take control in getting your l i f e back
• Manage your erotic triggers
• Utilise different resources to cope with your stress
• Find your own light through the darkness & f e e l more alive
• Be supported in restoring healthy intimacy, sensual touch, sexuality & quality of l i f e

Effects On Our Partner Our partner can feel sexually abandoned, loose trust & respect in us. Similarly to the effects of having an affair they may feel insulted & betryed. The relationship becomes a crisis. Security, robustness, intimacy, empathy & get eroded.