Counselling & Psychotherapy

Counselling London Psychotherapy, Cybersex Addiction, Cyber Sex Addiction, Online Porn, Internet Pornography Addiction
Pornography Problem, Porn addiction, Online Sex, Internet Sex & Cybersex Addiction

Online Sex, Internet Sex, Virtual Sex & Cybersex Addiction

Cyber Sex - From Curiosity To A Problem Some couples, who are geographically separated, or people who want to remain anonymous, may turn to cybersex. This can allow them to sexually explore & fantasise in ways they may not be able to do otherwise. We may have talked to people not really knowing who they are, exchanged pictures, arranged to meet up. Cybersex can provide an opportunity to sexually experiment, explore parts of our sexuality we haven't acknowledged or have sexual role plays. Cybersex can satisfy sexual desires, without the risk of pregnancy, STDs. Going online for sex (maybe through online chat or a social network) can take up less resources & effort to connect, than with a person in a real life meaningful relationship. What can start of as curiosity about online sexual activities, web sex, cybersex, cyber affairs or cyber-relationships, can for some end up being overused, problematic or obsessive, like an addiction. We can make everything about sex. Our online sex addiction may creep up on us. Some people also use internet dating online specifically for sex, believing that w don't deserve love, and this for you may have become problematic. We may be in a relationship or marriage & whether or not we believe our partner knows about what we are doing, the effects are likely to be picked up by our partner. Counselling & psychotherapy can offer support with any of these concerns. (See also Affairs, Infidelity, Envy & Jealousy In The Relationship Or Marriage)

Differences Between Online Sex & Face-To-Face Intimate Encounters The internet can help us save time, open up many possibilities and give us the illusion of sexual confidence. The internet for some people is the starting point to developing relationships. Yet often when we follow through by meeting our online contacts in the flesh it doesn't work out because the subtle courtship steps were filtered or omitted. This affects the depth, quality & realness of the relationship. How a person looks, smells, subtle body movements, their tone of voice & other nuances get missed, unless we meet up. Even if the person is "Iive on screen", roles can be played & subtle communication can be misunderstood as can sense of humour & type of personality. The internet cuts corners & condenses this courtship, yet it takes a long time to build healthy, romantic relationship, which requires companionship, sincere & real physical contact. If we are having anonymous cybersex, we may not have verifiable knowledge of the other person, including their gender, age, etc. (See also Incomplete or Pseudo World below)

Internet Pornography Addiction & Online Porn Addiction

Turning To Online Pornography Some people turn to internet pornography to expand their sexual repertoire. Some may be seeking stimulation, sexual thrill, erotic pleasure, which over time may lead to avoiding intimacy - letting others in. We may have turned to internet pornography as a means of ignoring our own personal sexual difficulties or as an outlet for responding to other struggles we face. Sexual arousal through online pornography may become our norm.

Caught In The Trap Allured by the visual stimulation & menu of temptations of what's before us, we can fantasise about having sex with others. The deeper we engage in our online sexual activity, the harder it is to get out of this trap. We may have become "caught in the web".

Out Of Control A lot of us have an unacknowledged part of our sexuality. The Internet gives us a way to look at this, yet we may not know how to put the brakes on and stop surfing the net. Overwhelmed, it can quickly become our sexual obsession. Fantasy & reality can blur.

Our Secret We can have all the trappings of Iife: money, authority, status, prestige, responsibility, yet have a cyber sex secret. If we are in a relationship, our partner can respond just as if we've had an affair.

Rationalising Our Behaviour We rationalise the way we act to excuse & justify our sexual actions. We can even believe our own impaired and distorted thinking - persuading & justifying that we are doing nothing wrong, e.g. "I don't have a problem", "Internet pornography has nothing to do with infidelity", "It's not affecting me or others", "It relieves the pressure".

Need For Help Some of us need to wait until we are forced to do something about our problem by our partner, family member, friend or the legal system. Sometimes it's as if we are waiting to be found out. When our problem has been revealed, we can often have sense of relief that we are now doing something about it. Others choose to initiate help themselves. Either way we need help.

Regaining Control We may struggle controlling our internet usage & need help to regain control. We may have become so attached to using pornography that we find it hard to let go.

From Curiosity To Problem We may have a problem with the dark side of the internet, being in some ways imprisoned by misuse or abuse of cyber porn. What started off as sexual curiosity, may now turn to a need for pornography addiction treatment.

Escape Cutting off we may also use pornography for stress relief and to escape from frustrations, uncomfortable thoughts & feelings, the pressures of life as a way of getting out of ourself. Using internet porn can be a way of temporarily anaesthetise our feelings. In our attempts to escape, ironically we may become more trapped.

Unable To Stop We can choose to put sex above & beyond all our activities. We can become lonely, tired & hungry for something very deep. We may know, deep inside, that we need other people – engaging in fulfilling relationships, yet can't stop our world of online porn, and find it hard to trust others. Our internet pornography addiction can be like a drug when we are unable to stop, as if we let our urges get the better of us.

Losing Ourselves Pulled & compelled we slip deeper into the world of cyber porn, as if we are in a bubble, lost in a trance-like state, our perception, values & time become distorted. We lose our own momentum. Preoccupied, not only our time online is consumed by internet porn, but also the time we spend thinking about it away from the computer. As we switch on the computer, it can be as if we switch off inside, becoming glazed all over.

Preoccupation With Internet Porn We can be preoccupied with searching for our erotic triggers, sexually objectifying the person linked to our source of arousal. This can happen not only online, but also in our offline world. We may not only objectify others, but it can be as if we become an object ourself.

Sense Of Isolation Believing we are unlovable & unworthy - maybe not liking ourselves, we conclude that others cannot meet our needs, so we escape into sexually explicit websites in order to bear our loneliness or alienation, yet our isolation increases the more hooked we are to online sex. The sex can become so important, it can almost become our reason for living, yet inside we feel lost, barren, dirty or as if our whole world is stagnating. There may be an invisible wall around us and our esteem may plummet.

Side Effects Searching for another "buzz", many of us may become dependent on other substances

Risks & Consequences We can temporarily relieve our stress by visiting online pornography sites, whatever the consequences. We become no longer aware of risk or consequences.

Illusion Of Safety Experiencing a more real form of sex can seem complicated or risky, needing much effort. Whereas in our fantasy world our fantasy sex gives us a fantasy of safety. We may believe we will be unseen.

What & Who Is Real What we notice online is usually limited to exactly what people want us to know. Usually they, and sometimes we, are playing roles, which have little bearing in our "other" Iife. When we lose touch of who we are, we are no longer true to ourseIf.

Incomplete or Pseudo World The internet provides an incomplete or pseudo world, where we can find "a partner", communicate with them, see & hear them, and have sex. However, the senses of touch, smell, taste and much more are absent. Healthy ways of attracting, dating & courting may also be absent. Intimacy is not rounded. The lens with which we see others, and how we are seen, is split. The quality of the relationship is impaired. Often we can be deluded that we are experiencing full & real human contact, yet in fact the contact is through a machine, the sex is fantasy in a fantasy world.

Fear Many of us can fear intimacy, or ending their relationship. In an attempt to avoid our fear & anxiety, about our ability to cope with rejection & abandonment we compulsively masturbate.

Intimacy In Our Interpersonal Relationship The challenges of intimate sex with a real partner may at times include mundaneness & complexity. Our partner may say "No" to sex or be unwilling to indulge in all our sexual fantasies. True intimacy requires physical connection. Being physically in touch with someone, we get a stronger sense of who they actually are, over the natural time it takes to develop a rounded relationship. The experience of time gets distorted, where we can get "lost" in virtual relationships. Discovering, noticing & flirting with someone in real encounters, in real time, provides a deeper & natural experience. In flesh & blood relationships we need to consider others' needs and we can't so easily delete, or pretend things didn't happen, as online by clicking a mouse. (For details see Unmet Love Needs & Neediness)

Soulless Hooked in the world of cyber porn, we can become barren - emotionally & spiritually void in our closed world, isolated turning to pornography in an attempt to fill the gap inside, which never quite goes away. The person we once knew – us, goes AWOL, reduces, caught in our misery & pain. What was once our guiding inner voice that gave us protective boundaries, collapses as we no longer care or think about our actions. It is as if our Iife is sapping away & we have a hole in our soul.

Behavioural Effects

• Preoccupation with internet sex
• Loss of focus in our home & at work
• Relationships with partner, family & friends, work colleagues in crisis or jeopardy
• Undermines our career, including lost productivity as we go "missing" at work
• Frequent unsuccessful efforts to stop or control engaging in online sex
• Secrets & lies
• Crosses many boundaries with us & others
• Blaming others
• Places us in compromising positions
• Compartmentalises our behaviour, as if we are in two worlds
• Compartmentalisation of our secret, private, hidden world
• Illusion of control
• Prevents us doing other tasks & activities, forgetting things, procrastinating
• Difficulties relating & maintaining positive, healthy & intimate relationships (see Relationship Counselling & Marriage Counselling)
• Finding it hard to see what's happening to us, or to control our behaviour
• Using sex as a means of avoiding problems or relief from our shame, guilt, depression, anxiety, low confidence, selfesteem, etc.
• Searching for intensified or riskier sexual experiences
• Turning to substances
• Involving in illegal acts
• Our finances suffer, usually much more than we care to imagine.
• Our physical, emotional, psychological, sexual & spiritual health

Familiar Experiences In the situation you are in, you may experience a range of emotions & feeIings, including:

• Concern
• Boredom
• Confusion
• Frustration
• Anger
• Fear of intimacy of rejection
• Loss
• Sadness & despair
• Remoteness
• Lost vitality
• Alienation
• Hopelessness
• Helplessness, wondering how this can be happening to us
• Plummeting selfesteem
• Restlessness & irritability when trying to stop
• Being trapped
• Shame & remorse
• Believing we are losing our sanity
• Trance like state, where time slips by
• Mood swings, depression, guilt
• Denying that we need addiction treatment

Hope Painful though some of these feeIings are, they can also be a positive sign, meaning that you may be ready to honestly look at yourself & way of Iiving.

Role Of Psychotherapy My role is to support you in making positive changes in your Iife to help you understand the significance of your problem, so you can:

• Participate & take control in getting your Iife back
• Manage your erotic triggers
• Utilise different resources to cope with your stress
• Be supported in restoring healthy intimacy, sensual touch, sexuality & quality of life
• Find your own light through the darkness & feeI more alive

Effects On Our Partner Similarly to the effects of having an affair, when using cyber pornography, our partner can feel sexually abandoned, insulted & betrayed, lose trust & respect in us. Security, robustness, intimacy, empathy & get eroded. The relationship can get to a crisis point, we may not only have neglected them, but also us. (See also On The Receiving End - Responding To Our Partner's Affair)

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