Counselling & Psychotherapy

Counselling London Psychotherapy – Central London Counselling Services - Dealing With Difficult Feelings - Counsellor London Camden Psychotherapist
Difficult Feelings

(See also Emotional Self-Awareness)

Difficult Feelings No matter what our intelligence, some men or women may experience certain feelings as difficult or devastating. We may believe that we are not supposed to have certain feeIings, or that feeIings make us weak. Some of us have attempted to shut down, avoid, repress or deny so called "negative", uncomfortable feelings, like irritability or irritation, frustration, anger, anxiety, fear, hurt, emotional pain, sadness or disappointment, guilt & shame, heartache or heartbreak, as if we shouldn't have them anymore. Some of the wounds we hold on to may go a long way back. We may have chosen to disconnect from these deep feelings, which in turn affect our sense of seIf, worth & difficulties in relationships (see Fear Of Rejection, Abandonment). For some envy & jealousy may at times be overwhelming. Some of us may have become emotionally dependent on our partner. We may have put some feelings "on hold", including our need to love, connect with others & the wider world.

Feeling empty, lonely or helpless can be difficult to articulate. FeeIing unable to control things can be frustrating. We may feel torn between conflicting feeIings. Some of these unwanted feelings may go back years & we have put them at the back of our mind. We may believe we can't manage them, and have to avoid them, turning to unhelpful distractions, habits or addictions. Yet they don't quite go away, as what we tend to ignore comes back to us. A challenge for some may be how to express & allow our feelings to flow freely, and for others – how to contain them. Some of us may feeI as if we are numb or stagnating, or others may feeI as if they are on a rollercoaster. We may struggle to have compassion for our core pain, so it moves through us, rather than remain stuck. The therapy explores our judgement about our feelings, what they might be pointing to in our life, and offers an opportunity to find our way through, and nurture these challenging or turbulent feelings. Counselling & psychotherapy also explores ways we are not so overwhelmed by waves of emotions, taking responsibility for them without being limited or dominated by them.

Each of us can behave in different ways to avoid the pain of these uncomfortable feelings:

• Distracting us in order to avoid difficult feeIings, deflecting conversations
• Being remote with our partner, e.g. starting conversations with our partner, so we don't have to feel our feelings or take responsibility for them
• Dulling & numbing everything to feel OK
• Overworking
• Selfsabotage
• Anger
• Depression
• Being perfectionist or over-demanding of us
• Excessive habits, compulsions, addictive behaviours, e.g. comfort or binge eating, drinking, internet, other...

...yet our pain can grow deeper, especially when we or others aren't open to our feeIings. We can learn to close off, rendering us lonely. Our loneliness may also be related to our existential struggles.

Rejection & Loneliness can be experienced as feeling intensely sad, with a burning or sinking feeIing inside. It can be associated with grief, sorrow or not being with people emotionally close to us. Being closed off around others enhances our loneliness. Feeling rejected can be very painful. The counselling & psychotherapy explores with you ways to nurture yourself & care for others, so feeling rejected or lonely do not become overwhelming.

Helplessness is very similar to loneliness. We can feeI in a painful, intense turmoil, unable to control things. Shaming & blaming us or others often follows, as we abandon ourself. In certain situations accepting our helplessness or powerlessness whilst remaining strong, can be a real challenge for some.

Our Shadow Some of us may want to explore those uncomfortable feelings inside, that we would rather deny, repress or cut off – the shadow side of us, that we find difficult to own.

Tolerating Our Uncomfortable Feelings Some of us can feel uncomfortable or frustrated in areas, which are beyond our control. With good intention some of us can be very tempted to rush in to fix things, without exploration of our own uncomfortable feeIings or strong emotions. These uncomfortable feeIings, disconnections, frustrations, moodiness, low or bad moods or mood swings, are different for each man or woman. Our shyness & vulnerability may hold us back at times. Some of us may turn to unhealthy habits or addictions. Counselling & psychotherapy can help explore ways these feelings can be tolerated.

Uncertainties & Contradictions Counselling & psychotherapy can help to contain, manage & make sense of contradictory, ambivalent & frustrating feelings or emotions. We may also explore your feelings template, and what other feeIings you may have. The therapy can also help explore how we understand life's unpredictabilities, uncertainties, contradictions, paradoxes, double binds, our need for "definites", e.g. right-wrong, good-bad, light-dark & how we want to respond to them.

Integrating All Our FeeIings It may not be the unwanted feeIings themselves, which are the problem – it may also be our difficulties being with them, without reacting. It can be paradoxical that often within our very problems or difficulties - especially the ones we want to escape from - that opportunity arises for us. We live in a society, which encourages us to avoid negative feelings – our "emotional baggage" or distress, and seek pleasure. None of us like suffering and yet at times we can't avoid it. Sometimes it can seem as if we have a difficult choice between protecting us against pain and responsibility for it, or to be open to how we can learn from pain, taking responsibility for it. A challenge for some may be to make it more important to care of us, than to avoid difficult feelings. We can't always get rid of things, what we deny, resist or repress seems to persist. Learning to live with (apparent) opposite feelings can be a challenge for some. Exploration of feeIings behind our fear may be a need for others.

Containing our feelings may be a challenge for some, whereas expressing them may be a need for others. Being open about what is loving to us & others, rather than closed to protect us from the pain of Iife may be a need for some. Staying aware of how we are causing our feeIings, by what we tell ourseIves (our inner chatter) can be a challenge for some. How we treat & take responsibility for ourself can be explored in counselling & psychotherapy. We may also explore how we can recognise our emotions, alongside the impact they have with our equilibrium & others around us. The therapy may include exploration of our emotional self-awareness. My approach includes helping find ways to attend to our feelings, manage them & integrate parts of us we don't like or want to shed, alongside living Iife's joys & pleasures – enhancing our sense of worth. The children's book "We're Going On A Bear Hunt" in an amusing way tells us this:

We can't go over it. We can't go under it. Oh no! We've got to go through it! Michael Rosen & Helen Oxenbury

Managing Our Pain When younger we may have experienced painful events or separations, which made us feel lonely or scared. We learnt (maybe by mimicking others) to manage our pain in the best way we could at the time, with the limited resources we had. This way of coping may have included our blame, shame, guilt, control or judgement. The way we coped back then may not be working well for us now, if we are feeling empty or miserable now. Different ways of managing our pain, with our sense of compassion & calmness, can be explored in the therapy.