Counselling & Psychotherapy

Counselling London Camden Psychotherapy – Central London Counselling Services - Counsellor London Camden Psychotherapist
Difficult Feelings

(See also Emotional Self-Awareness)

What We Do With Difficult Feelings No matter what our intelligence, we all get stirred up by things, experiencing certain feelings as uncomfortable, painful or even devastating. Their intensity at times can overwhelm us and it may be hard to create the space to think. Our strong emotions can lock our attention and we can become trapped in ways of thinking and behaving. There can be a discordance between what we are doing & what we are feeling inside. We may believe that we are not supposed to have certain feeIings, or that feeIings make us weak. Some of us have attempted to shut down, avoid, internalise, repress or deny so called "negative", uncomfortable feelings, like irritability or irritation, frustration, anger, anxiety, fear, hurt, emotional pain, sadness or disappointment, guilt & shame, heartache or heartbreak, as if we shouldn't have them anymore. Some of the wounds we hold on to may go a long way back. We may also hold in so called "positive" feelings, like gratitude, passion, joy, love, etc. We may have chosen to disconnect from these deep feelings, which in turn affect our sense of seIf, worth & relationship problems (see Fear Of Rejection, Abandonment). For some, envy & jealousy may at times be overwhelming. Some of us may have become emotionally dependent on our partner. We may have put some feelings "on hold", including our need to love, connect with others & the wider world. Some feelings we may have, yet not be aware of (see also Role Of The Unconscious - "The Yet To Be Revealed").

Taking Charge Feeling insecure, empty, rejected, alone, lonely or helpless can be difficult to articulate, as can having a sense of missing out on things. FeeIing unable to control things can be frustrating. We may believe that our emotions have to be dramatic, we can't manage them, or have to avoid them, turning to unhelpful distractions, habits or addictions. Yet they don't quite go away, as what we tend to ignore comes back to us. Some of us may feeI as if we are numb or stagnating, or others may feeI as if they are on a rollercoaster. A challenge for some may be how to express & allow our feelings to flow freely, and for others – how to contain them, so they don't spill out or override what might be best for us. Some of our unwanted feelings may go back years & we have put them at the back of our mind. We may struggle to have compassion for our core pain, so it moves through us, rather than remain stuck. The therapy considers our judgement about our feelings, what they might be pointing to in our life, and explores how we can find our way through, and nurture these challenging or turbulent feelings. Counselling & psychotherapy also supports us, so we are not so overwhelmed by waves of emotions, taking responsibility for them without being limited or dominated by them. Our personal boundaries can support us in this.

Each of us can behave in different ways to avoid the pain of these uncomfortable feelings:

• Distracting us in order to avoid unwanted feeIings, deflecting conversations
• Shutting down or closing off
• Being remote with our partner, e.g. starting conversations with our partner, so we don't have to feel our feelings or take responsibility for them
• Become bored (see Boredom - Being Bored below)
• Dulling & numbing everything to feel OK
• Keeping busy or overworking
• Taking on compensatory behaviours or roles, e.g. fixing things, pleasing others
• Selfsabotage
• Anger
• Sadness, depression
• Being perfectionist or over-demanding of us & others
• Codependency (Co-Dependency)
• Excessive habits, compulsions, addictive behaviours, e.g. comfort or binge eating, drinking, internet, other...

... yet our pain can grow deeper, especially when we or others aren't open to our feeIings. We may have learnt to close off, rendering us lonely. Our loneliness may also be related to our existential struggles.

Familiar Feelings Some feelings can become embedded. In the therapy we may also examine your "feelings template", and what other feeIings you may have, besides the ones you are aware of. Feelings themselves can have an addictive element, like sadness, happiness (e.g. some may "put on a happy face"), fear or rage, as this emotion becomes our state of being. Resentment may be something else we hold on to, as we struggle to forgive.

Closing Off, Shutting Down, Bottling Things Up We may be used to keeping our emotions in, holding on to them & bottle things up, ignoring certain feelings. Yet inside we may be uptight or cut off, because we don't want to, or don't know how to, release our emotions. And if we do start to express our emotions, we may fear the flood gates opening, yet often we feel more alive. We may withdraw, disengage or become distant, unreachable or desensitised. This can be compounded if we believe we can handle everything by keeping a stiff upper lip. We may not only fear our own emotions, but those of others, avoiding emotional connection in our relationship. What we ignore, deny or disown doesn't seem to go away. Some of us may be stuck in our head, over-thinking, putting things in neat boxes, avoid heavy emotions (or struggle to sense them), find it difficult to face them. We may struggle to be open-hearted, compassionate to our self & others. Counselling & psychotherapy can support you in finding your own ways to express or release your emotions, containing them when you need to, if that is your desire. Letting go of what we have been holding on to may be our challenge. (See also Emotional Self-Awareness)

Responding To Our Likes & Dislikes All of us have likes & dislikes, and these don't have to limit our experiences. We don't have to like everything we do, yet by doing certain things, we broaden our minds. What we like in the long run may not always be good for us, conversely, what we don't like may turn out to be exactly what we need. Taking risks sometimes may be our challenge. Some of us are able to gradually like our dislikes, because it serves a greater good in us or others.

Our Sensitivities Some of us can be easily hurt, disrespected, controlled, abandoned or invaded. For details see Our Sensitivities - Pushing Each Other's Buttons.

Tolerating Our Uncomfortable Feelings, Moods We may have developed certain templates, which are no longer helpful when responding to certain feelings. Some of us can feel uncomfortable or frustrated in areas, which are beyond our control. With good intention some of us can be very tempted to rush in to fix things or try to please others, without acknowledging our own uncomfortable feeIings or strong emotions. These uncomfortable feeIings, disconnections, frustrations, moodiness, low or bad moods or mood swings, are different for each person. Our moods are tested daily. And, finding our way out of bad moods, to manage our moods - rising above them, become aware of what we are feeling & why we are feeling, tuning in & choosing an appropriate response to others can be challenging. When in a better mood we may want to consider understanding what put us in a bad mood in the first place - what thoughts shape our moods, what choices we can make the next time. Our shyness & vulnerability may hold us back at times. Some of us may turn to unhealthy habits or addictions. Counselling & psychotherapy can discover with you ways these feelings can be tolerated, and how we can take responsibility for any destructive emotions when they arise, so we don't cause harm to us or others.

Our Frustration We may want to get rid of, or "cure" ourseIves of certain frustrating or uncomfortable feelings yet frustrating times are part of life. Some of us may create more frustrations than we need to. How we respond to our frustration is up to us. If we have a tendency to respond negatively to what frustrates us, this can compound our frustration even more. (See also Procrastination Compounding Our Frustration)

Boredom - Being Bored When we are bored it can be as if our senses are dulled. We may lack interest, curiosity, maybe feel powerless, hopeless, yet underneath this we may have a lot of powerful feelings. Relieving boredom for some can be connected to changing our familiar routines - no longer doing things automatically. Some of us may get bored easily, unfulfilled or disconnected, which may be linked to struggles being in the moment, in touch with our own selfhood, with our own vitality or being comfortable with our own skin, . Abandoning ourself, we may struggle when we are alone, lonely. Boredom may easily set in when things become familiar or predictable. Sometimes whatever distracts us may not satisfy us. Whatever we are doing, we begin to question what is the point, as if we experience a sense of emptiness or soullessness. Our boredom can sometimes develop into a sense of pointlessness, existential boredom (which unlike situational boredom may not easily go away) as we question life's meaning & purpose. Differentiating what's in our control and what isn't may be a challenge. Disappointment, despondency, rarely being satisfied or depression may be closely associated with our boredom, as may our repressed anger or uncomfortable feelings we are unsure what to do with. We can become bored when we find ourselves trapped in situations we don't want to be in - sometimes wanting to kill time, struggling to accept our situation. It can be as if our free will is captured. We may find it hard to stay engaged with ourself. Our boredom may point to something inside of us that is seeking change, as if we are waiting for the world to give us something and this can be explored in counselling & psychotherapy.

Uncertainties & Contradictions Learning to manage (apparent) opposite feelings can be a challenge for some. Some of us can feel pushed & pulled in different directions. The pulling & pushing may point to having different, contradictory feelings at the same time. The discomfort we feel may point to our difficulty responding to uncertainties, contradictions & ambivalences. Counselling & psychotherapy can help to contain, manage & make sense of contradictory, ambivalent & frustrating feelings or emotions. We may become torn by conflicting feelings. Sitting with our feelings may be a challenge for some. The therapy can also look at how we understand life's unpredictabilities, uncertainties, ambivalence, contradictions, paradoxes, double binds, our need for "definites", e.g. right-wrong, good-bad, light-dark & how we want to respond to them.

Our Shadow Some of us may want to express those uncomfortable feelings inside, that we would rather deny, repress or cut off – the shadow side of us, that we find challenging to own.

Responses To Our Feelings Many of us revert to a fight, flight or freeze response with our feelings, and we can often feel this in our body. Counselling & psychotherapy can explore this with you.

Integrating All Our Feelings Society often encourages us to compartmentalise or avoid painful feelings or negative feelings - our "emotional baggage" or distress - and seek pleasure. None of us like suffering and yet at times we can't avoid it. It may not be the unwanted feeIings themselves, which are the problem – it may also be about Iiving with them, being with them, appropriately expressing them, without reacting or "becoming our feeling". It can be paradoxical that often within our very struggles - especially the ones we want to escape from - that opportunity arises for us. Sometimes it can seem as if we have a difficult choice between protecting us against pain and responsibility for it, or to be open to how we can learn from pain, taking responsibility for it. Embracing both suffering & love may be our challenge. A struggle for some may be to make it more important to care for us, than to avoid uncomfortable feelings, some of them unconscious. We can't always get rid of things, what we deny, resist or repress seems to persist. Some may want to find out what happens when we go into our feeIings behind any fear. The children's book "We're Going On A Bear Hunt" in an amusing way tells us this:

Exploring Our Feelings Containing our feelings may be a challenge for some, whereas expressing them may be a need for others. Being open about what is loving to us & others, rather than closed to protect us from the pain of Iife may be a need for some. Staying aware of how we are causing our feeIings, by what we tell ourseIves (our inner chatter) can be a challenge for some. How we treat & take responsibility for ourself can be opened up in the counselling & psychotherapy. We may also want to recognise our emotions and the impact they have with our equilibrium & others around us. The therapy may include exploration of our emotional self-awareness. Finding ways to attend to our feelings, manage them & integrate parts of us we don't like or want to shed may be explored in counselling & psychotherapy. Therapy also includes supporting your sense of worth, enhancing Iife's joys & pleasures.

Feelings In Our Relationship Some of us may struggle expressing feelings. We may have got into a habit of projecting onto our partner feelings in us we would not rather have, acknowledge. Many of our feelings may be unconsciously communicated, picked up by our partner. Some may not want to get so caught up, or drawn into, others' feelings. Being caring, staying calm, when others around us are being very emotional, may be important for us.

Managing Our Pain & Painful Feelings When younger we might experience painful events or separations, which made us feel lonely or scared. We learnt (maybe by mimicking others) to manage our pain in the best way we could at the time, with the limited resources we had. This way of coping might include our blame, shame, guilt, control or judgement. The way we coped back then, may not be working well for us now, if we are feeling empty or miserable now. Our pain may run so deep, that it can be as if we are inconsolable. Different ways of managing our pain, with our sense of compassion & calmness, alongside looking after our own needs (supported by being in touch with how we feel), can be included in the counselling & psychotherapy, so our painful feelings don't have to be locked away or emotionally drain us. Sometimes it can be as if our feelings arrive upon us (for example as if something in us is sad), which can give us space to reflect, respond to our feelings, rather than allow the feeling to completely overwhelm us.

Counselling & psychotherapy can support us in feeling what we feel when we feel it and then let it go, so we don't have to hang on to old emotions. This may also open up the space to be in touch with our current emotional experience. Many people don't always know how they are feeling, that it is OK to feel it. We are rarely taught how to have, hold & express the range of our feelings (some of them contradictory) simultaneously – so we may often choose one, clinging on to it. Other unattended feelings may become ignored, stuck, not flowing. This one feeling, whatever it may be, is usually not a true reflection of all of what we are experiencing. The therapy can explore the complexity of who we are as a human being, alongside our sense of worth & esteem.