Counselling & Psychotherapy

Counselling London Psychotherapy Camden
Confidence & Self-Esteem

The Shadow Blocking Our Light Our self-confidence & self-esteem are closely linked. They affect each other. Once we start putting o u r s e l v e s down or writing o u r s e l v e s off, we can set off into a spiral of depression and consequently lack confidence. As our self-esteem plummets, so too does our confidence to interact & mix with others. There can be an uncomfortable gap between how we are inside, how we would like to be, and how we show o u r s e l v e s to others. We can prefer to present o u r s e l v e s as we would like to be seen, rather than a person we really are. Confidence comes from a f e e l i n g of self-assurance, which arises from us appreciating our own abilities. Our insecurity, lack of confidence, can be like our shadow, blocking out our light.

Effects of Low Confidence Low confidence affects our self-esteem, causing difficulties with:

• Authority
• Anxiety, including panic attacks
• Assertiveness
• Conflict
• Making decisions
• Comparing o u r s e l v e s with others
• Relationships

Effects of Low Self-Esteem Low self esteem can lead to fear of:

• Not being in control
• Conflict
• Feeling overly sensitive - our buttons easily pressed
• What people think
• Being criticised, blamed, judged (ironically, this is what we do to o u r s e l v e s)
• Humiliation
• Exposure
• Being inadequate, unworthy
• Failure
• Making mistakes
• Asking for what we want
• Taking risks
• Success
• Being real

Low self-esteem is closely linked to difficulties accepting & believing the fullness of who we are. This can lead to:

• Lack of confidence or low self-confidence
• Self-pity
• Self-doubt
• Self-worth issues
• Self-criticism
• Self-judgement
• Self-blame
• Self-hatred
• Self-loathing
• Self-comparison
• A poor self-image
• Self-obsession
• Being self-absorbed & self-centred
• Becoming secretive
• Negative self-talk

Counselling & psychotherapy can support you with your:

• Self-acceptance
• Self-appreciation
• Self-reflection

Behaviour Patterns Fearing criticism or rejection some of us opt to please others, often frustratingly at the cost of our own needs & wants. When we take things too personally, we may react by blaming o u r s e l v e s. We can respond by becoming compliant, meek & mild (e.g. pleasing others, apologising, agreeing with everyone, avoidance & being indecisive) to aggressive (e.g. overbearing, physically abusive, dominating, bullying, raging at anyone who disagrees, having a foul temper & short fuse).

Keeping Things Inside In some situations we can switch between these two extremities: meek & mild in the outside world (as if butter wouldn't melt in our mouth) - belligerent & exploding with frustration & flashes of anger behind closed doors, often misdirecting it at our partner (see also How Confidence Affects Our Relationship). Some of us choose not to show our frustration & anger to anyone – keeping it all inside. Struggling to meet our own needs, we can be needy of others, and we can behave in destructive ways.

Empowering o u r s e l v e s Some of us prefer to project a sort of "false modesty" (e.g. pretending we are easy-going, or that nothing really matters - when in fact it does), which can end up disempowering us, causing confusion to o u r s e l v e s & others – "they should know how I really f e e l". The therapy can explore how we empower o u r s e l v e s.

Taking Risks Without valuing o u r s e l v e s, some of us can f e e l bullied & intimidated by others. We can live a masochistic lifestyle, f e e l i n g suspicious & mistrusting others. We can ensure that our inner fears of not being good enough, get reconfirmed in our interactions with other people. Not f e e l i n g good about o u r s e l v e s we can look for others to source our motivation & give us the answers. We may struggle to be assertive & be tempted to control or manipulate situations, so that outcomes are predictable, safe & risk free. Counselling & psychotherapy can also explore your attitudes to risk.

Self-Beliefs When we convince o u r s e l v e s that nobody likes us, it is usually a signal that we need to like o u r s e l v e s. We can sink into self-pity. Our self-talk, also called "inner chatter" - the voices in our mind, may run on the lines of: "I'll stay in my cocoon", "I'll be found out because I'm a fraud", "I better not try this, I might fail, make a mistake or get it wrong", "I might upset someone or f e e l uncomfortable", "What would they think", "I'm really no good". "Who do you think you are?" might be familiar messages. These repeated voices acting as our inner judge or self-critic, can be an attempt to create safety (e.g. by not taking any risks). Trapped in f e e l i n g ashamed or sorry for o u r s e l v e s, our negative self-talk can reinforce a negative self-image & low self-esteem. We can f e e l a fraud or a fake. We can believe we are bad, unacceptable or unlovable. Once we start saying negative things to o u r s e l v e s, we tend to believe that others too have negative thoughts about us without any real evidence. We can become too self-critical and overly dependent on seeking reassurance & approval from others. Our very identity can be caught in the belief that we are no good, and we can live our l i f e as if to reinforce this. The therapy can explore the ways you see yourself & the world, looking at other possible options & actions, how you make decisions & conclusions.

Apologising If a person expects us to apologise, and we give it to them, regardless of whether we f e e l apologetic or that we have something to apologise for, then it can be as if we are trying to control how this person feels about us. It is as if we have to give o u r s e l v e s up at the expense of f e e l i n g bad inside - what the other person feels about us overrides us being true to o u r s e l v e s. The other person may f e e l happy receiving our apology, yet we may f e e l low, with our integrity compromised. When we apologise because we f e e l genuinely bad about something we did, we are respecting o u r s e l v e s & the other by acknowledging our poor behaviour, and we tend to f e e l more at ease with o u r s e l v e s. We haven't abandoned o u r s e l v e s to get approval or love. Some people may also struggle with forgiveness & letting go (see also Mourning Our Losses).

How Counselling & Psychotherapy Can Help Some people may be seeking faith in themselves & the courage to make decisions, act, be more assertive & visible in the world. In the counselling we will look how you can improve your confidence, increase & build your self esteem. This may include coming to terms with your fears, taking risks in your l i f e & transforming your self-beliefs. We may work with how to embrace change, rather than shy away from it. I may gently challenge any self-damaging ways you put yourself down, limiting your self-esteem and explore ways you can appreciate, validate, support, assert, accept, trust & take care of yourself.

I was always looking outside myself for strength and confidence, but it comes from within. It is there all the time. Anna Freud

Counselling London Psychotherapy Camden
Self-Criticism

Introduction Being criticised by others can often be an attempt by them to control our behaviour, thoughts or f e e l i n g s, and this attempt demands our response. This is not only true for external criticism, but also for how we react when we criticise o u r s e l v e s and become self-critical. In both cases this triggers our fight-flight-freeze mechanism.

• Fight reaction is a rebellious act against anything which constricts us, like our own self-criticism. We fight off our inner voices through our rebellious ways, regardless of the consequences.
• Flight reaction means we withdraw into o u r s e l v e s & generally withhold, immersing o u r s e l v e s into activities such as work, superficial relationships, alcohol, drugs, or food for comfort. We often experience low moods.
• Freeze reaction is as if something inside of us collapses as we immerse into guilt, shame, self-doubt, depression, defeat, exhaustion.

Automatic Reaction Some of us can be our own worst critic. When we are criticising o u r s e l v e s, we are putting o u r s e l v e s under internal attack, and we can automatically end up believing these critical messages are all of who we are, and not a critical part of us that is attacking us. This reaction can happen so quickly that we are unaware of it. And the cycle continues.

Our Self-Critic Everyone experiences self-criticism - those initially "outer" voices we have heard from others, parents, friends, etc, that we have now internalised into our "inner" critic. Each of us experiences our self critic differently. It is something inside us all. Some people foresee dire or bad consequences of thoughts or actions. How we manage this is up to us. Usually when we are being overcritical of o u r s e l v e s, we also become critical & blaming of others. The therapy can help us be more accepting & forgiving of o u r s e l v e s and the world around us.

The "Should" Voice We all have what I call our "Inner chatter" - the messages in our mind. Some of us may hear an "inner critic", often identified by a "should", "ought", "must", "never" or "always" voice. It tends to be attacking, harsh, mean, impatient, belittling & righteous. It may tell us we are inadequate & a failure. Usually when we hear this voice, we f e e l bad about o u r s e l v e s, weaker & smaller, fearful, unconfident & less powerful. As this "self talk" grows we can withdraw, f e e l guilty, ashamed, apathetic, lethargic, depressed, aggressive, rebellious, defensive, forcing o u r s e l v e s to over-achieve.

Our "Inner Chatter" Closely linked to our anxiety, our self critical voice obsesses about the future - how inadequate we will be, and the past - how badly we have done. The judgement - a particular dominant voice, tends to be generalised and harsh about who we are and our capabilities. Our self critic believes that they actually know what's wrong with us and why our l i f e is doomed. This repetitious part of us offers familiar & harsh solutions & demands, e.g. "You need to work harder", "Stand up for yourself", "Be more assertive or loving".

Self-Judgement Some of us can tirelessly strive to prove o u r s e l v e s. We can label o u r s e l v e s as useless, weak or lazy. We may want to hold back aspects of our personality & being in the world (often our creative & courageous s e l v e s) that don't please our self critic or "inner" judge. Psychotherapy & counselling can help us with our self-judgement.

Comparing o u r s e l v e s With Others Some of us can be very busy comparing o u r s e l v e s with others, wanting to take a leaf out of their book. And usually in this comparison we make o u r s e l v e s worse off. We may have a strong need to fit in, or to be accepted as a part of the group. Being over-reliant on others for approval, our self-image & self-worth can be reduced to what they think or say. In our attempt to belong with others we may have overlooked how to validate our self Counselling & psychotherapy explores the processes of our self-comparison and any internalised conflicts, and explores how your own frame of reference becomes more internal than external, for what you know to be true about yourself.

Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great. Mark Twain

Self-Blame Our self critic imposes rules on us and tells us off when we don't follow them. Beating o u r s e l v e s up, we can punish o u r s e l v e s emotionally, e.g. self-blame, and also physically, e.g. taking solace in comfort eating or alcohol.

Difficulties Letting In The Good Feeling bad about o u r s e l v e s can be triggered when we receive kindness, compliments, praise, affection or love. Embarrassed, we may want to deny or get rid of the positive, because we are used to the negative.

Diminishing Creativity & Open Heart Misinterpreting events around us, our creativity can dwindle, we can become cynical, struggling to live from our heart, or reach out to others. We can struggle to f e e l fully alive & present, as if we are replaying situations (or reconfirming outcomes), which happened a long time ago (for details see Impact Of Our Past).

Appearance Our self critic reveals itself in different ways, at different times. It may tell us how useless & hopeless we are, or how much better than everyone else we are. It tends to appear whenever we f e e l vulnerable, tired, threatened & insecure about something. When we f e e l adventurous, or creative the critic can appear to judge us poorly. It can also step in when things are going well for us, maybe something "Who do you think you are?"

Fear driven, our self critic gets fixed on showing us how incapable we are in a dangerous world, and if we don't heed their warnings or follow their advice, dreadful things will happen to us. If we follow these powerful messages, our responses, thoughts & f e e l i n g s become controlled by them.

Transforming Our Fear A challenge for some can be to let go of the tight grip of their self-criticism, live & thrive more in the moment and find their way through the fear. The therapy can also assist in the integration of both the negative & positive messages we give to o u r s e l v e s Our challenge may be also to integrate other aspects of o u r s e l v e s, introduce different "self talk", by learning to trust, f e e l safe yet take risks, have self-compassion.

Counselling London Psychotherapy Camden
Assertiveness

Asserting o u r s e l v e s Some of us have beliefs about acceptable ways of interacting with others. These beliefs or communication styles can go back to experiences or messages from childhood (e.g. other may think we are selfish), which keep us unassertive. We can be afraid of saying "No" to people, because we might hurt their f e e l i n g s, they might get angry or reject us. For some these beliefs may no longer be valid. We may also f e e l guilty when we assert o u r s e l v e s. We may want to assert o u r s e l v e s clearly & respectfully, without blaming, playing games, people pleasing or hoping the other reads our mind and without being aggressive or passive aggressive. Counselling & psychotherapy helps explore how we can develop positive beliefs, about assertiveness, take care of our needs, stand up for and express o u r s e l v e s in our pesonal power. We may also look at how we manage coming up against resistance or criticism from others, their uncaring or rejecting behaviour, so we can make our own imprints in l i f e.