Counselling & Psychotherapy

Counselling London Psychotherapy Services, Low Esteem Low Confidence Building, Counsellor London Psychotherapist
Confidence & Self-Esteem

The Shadow Blocking Our Light Our self-esteem is about the value we feel about ourself. Our self-confidence & self-esteem are closely linked. They affect each other. Easily punctured, once we start putting ourseIf down or writing us off, we can set off into a spiral of depression and consequently lack confidence. As our selfesteem plummets, so too does our confidence to interact & mix with others. We can seem invisible to others (and us) at times, as if we are disconnected, lost, that the world is moving, happening around us, yet we are static or powerless. We can feel low & bad about our self. There can be an uncomfortable gap between how we are inside, how we would like to be, and how we show ourself to others. Preoccupied, we may worry how to be with others in case we say the wrong thing. We may also be overly concerned how others see us. We can prefer to show ourseIves as we would like to be seen, rather than the person we really are. Even when things are OK & going well, we don't trust this. "It won't last" may be our mantra. We may even sabotage things. We may have moments of clarity, when we can see a light in a dark tunnel and lose it again. Our insecurity, lack of confidence problem, can be like our shadow, blocking out our light. The counselling & psychotherapy may also explore with you what makes you feel confident, worthy & happy about who you are and what promotes your own wellbeing.

Effects of Low Confidence Low confidence affects our self-esteem, often causing problems with:

• Authority
• Anxiety, including panic attacks
• Becoming tongue-tied
• Assertiveness
• Conflict
• Making decisions
• Motivation & sense of our own power
• Comparing us with others
• Relationships

Effects of Low Self-Esteem Low self-esteem can lead to fear of:

• Others
• Not being in control
• Conflict
• Being overly sensitive - our buttons easily pressed
• What people think
• Rejection, abandonment
• Confrontation, conflict, anger
• Being criticised, blamed, judged (ironically, this is what we do to us)
• Humiliation
• Exposure
• Being seen as a fake or found out as not being any good
• Being inadequate, unworthy
• Failure
• Making mistakes or even having success
• Asking for what we want
• Taking risks (see Taking Risks below)
• Doing what really matters to us
• Being real
• Telling people how we really feel

Our low self-esteem problem is closely linked to struggles accepting & believing the fullness of who we are. This can lead to:

• Lack of confidence or low self-confidence
• Emotional insecurity
• Self-pity
• Self-doubt
• Self-worth issues
• Self-criticism
• Self-judgement
• Self-blame
• Self-hatred
• Self-loathing
• Self-comparison
• A poor self-image
• Self-obsession
• Being self-absorbed & self-centred
• Withdrawal & isolation
• Becoming secretive
• Negative selftalk
• Procrastination & difficulties making decisions
• Envy & jealousy
• Becoming like a victim, martyr

Behaviour Patterns We can go around for years as if we are not good enough or the "ugly duckling" in some way. We may have learnt to go along with things, what others want, yet not be happy with that. Along the way we may be forsaking who we are. Fearing criticism or rejection, some of us opt to please others, often frustratingly at the cost of our own needs & wants. In our relationships we may allow ourselves to be undermined. We can respond by becoming compliant, meek & mild (e.g. agreeing with everyone, going along with things, apologising, avoiding things & being indecisive) to aggressive, which can catch us or others out (e.g. overbearing, physically abusive, dominating, bullying, raging at anyone who disagrees, having a foul temper & short fuse). We may also want to review our communication style. With our esteem low we may end up sabotaging things, including our relationship. When we take things too personally (or become overly sensitive), we may react by blaming ourseIves.

Keeping Things Inside In some situations we can switch between these two extremities: meek & mild in the outside world (as if butter wouldn't melt in our mouth) - belligerent & exploding with frustration & flashes of anger behind closed doors, often misdirecting it at our partner (see also How Confidence Affects Our Relationship). Some of us choose not to show our frustration & anger to anyone – keeping it all inside. Some of us can get easily anxious if things aren't going well. Struggling to meet our own needs, we can become needy of others, and we can behave in destructive ways. We may feeI envious or rageful towards people we believe are superior to us, or jealous of the attention they receive. We may struggle to speak, because we believe we sound boring. We might like to observe others, maybe living the life we would like. Others may wear a mask, struggling to fully live. Keeping things inside, we may turn to our familiar unhelpful habits or addictions.

Self-Doubt We all have moments of self-doubt. We can get knocked down, finding it hard to shake things off, pick us up. We may have lost our firm belief in us, our qualities, abilities & potential. We may allow previous experiences, wounds or failures to make us doubt our future ability. Our doubt can pick holes where there aren't any, overshadowing our confidence. Our familiar response to challenges may include "I'm not sure", "Maybe", "I can't", "I should", and we can end up procrastinating. Doubting ourself can trickle in and become fixed or end up controlling us. We can end up convinced, that before we even start anything, we shouldn't even bother. When we are captured by our doubt, we can't believe any possible solutions, because we believe our thought. Doubting our own competence, we may have given this thought more weight than we need to. Making the choice to trust ourself & taking different, positive action may be our challenge. Our self-encouragement, appreciating our achievements however small may be in short supply, which stops us thriving. Counselling & psychotherapy can support you in moving towards your own self-trust & encouragement, so other possibilities open up.

Putting Trust In Us Some of us may lack confidence in trusting who we are (see also Emotional Insecurity below). We may have developed a habit of mistrusting not only us but also everyone else (see also Trust & Intimacy In The Relationship). Some of us may blindly put all our trust in others, yet not in ourself. We may have become dependent on others to be our moral compass. In our early years we may have been trusting in nature, yet picked up some wounds along the way. Learning to regain trust, putting faith in who we are and our own path may now be important to us. Believing in and honouring who we are, and our own strength, gives us trust. And this trust supports us no matter what's happening around us. Our self-trust can be our foundation, when we are in touch with it and hold on to it, supported by our resilience. We may have very specific issues around trust:

• Can we trust our real feelings?
• Can we trust our inner voice?
• Can we trust who we are?
• Can we trust others?
• Can we trust life?
• Can we be freer from our old restrictions in order to trust?
• Can we learn to trust and are we willing to do so?

Self-Respect Getting back to our core self, honouring the life & soul of who we are, supports our self-respect, so we can act from this place with a level of honesty & integrity, reflecting our values, standing by what we believe, without necessarily having to persuade others. When we are in touch with our self-respect, we may be in touch with our responsibility to take action.

Confidence Building - Empowering Us Empowering ourself, and the decisions we make, may be important for us, so our life is in our hands. Yet for some our lack of confidence or low esteem may in a strange way give us comfort, and stepping outside of this safe & familiar place into unknown new territory can be unnerving at first. This can be especially so if we have denied what really matters to us, our needs or certain feelings we are not supposed to have. Some of us prefer to show to others a sort of "false modesty" (e.g. pretending we are easy-going, or that nothing really matters - when in fact it does), which can end up disempowering, causing confusion to us & others – "they should know how I really feeI". Being comfortable in our own skin, so we are satisfied with our personality & skills, abilities & limitations may build up our confidence so we are at ease in our relationships, able to face challenges & enjoy Iife. The therapy can look at how we can build our confidence, be in our own ground & empower our self, so we are strong inside.

Confidence building comes from being self-assured, which arises from us appreciating our own abilities. Counselling & psychotherapy can support you with your:

• Self-acceptance
• Self-appreciation
• Self-reflection
• Self-assurance
• Self-respect (see above)
• Self-responsibility

Freeing Us Up We may be seeking ways we can be freer in our lives, so we can hear & see what is, instead of what was, should be or will be. Similarly rather than what we should or ought to be feeling & thinking, we may want to feel freer to simply express what we feel & think. The freedom to express what we want, rather than waiting for permission, may also be important to us, as may the freedom to take risks.

Taking Risks Being comfortable is important, yet opportunities may slip by, because we may want to avoid the awkwardness of being uncomfortable. We may frequently procrastinate or choose security & avoid rocking the boat. Stepping outside our comfort zone can help us grow, achieve. We may ask how will we know if things will be different, yet be in a double bind, because we won't know unless we try, preferring the comfort of familiarity, rather than going into the unknown. As we learn to take charge of our anxiety and change our attitudes, we may be willing to risk learning new things, be open to new possibilities, trying them out, practice using them, until they become familiar & ours. Counselling & psychotherapy may consider your attitudes to risk, what's stops you taking any risks so far (e.g. remaining self-critical & believing we are no good, can keep us safe, yet stop us taking risks) and how freer & willing (see Our Free Will) your choices are to take some risks. You may want to be more in touch with your exploratory sense of curiosity, having a "let's see" approach. Some of us may choose to follow our fearful voice inside, telling us that risk taking isn't safe, that the consequences are consistently likely to be negative. Yet the old things we have been doing may no longer work. Others may choose love to override their fear of taking risks. We may struggle to be assertive (see Assertiveness below) & be tempted to control or manipulate situations, so that outcomes are predictable, safe, risk free, yet may be stifling. If we don't value who we are, we may also feel bullied & intimidated by others. Our fear of taking risks may stop us:

• Risking disapproval, even upsetting others at times
• Risking letting go
• Risking what we don't know, making mistakes, trying something new
• Risking empowering us
• Being curious & creative
• Risking intimacy, love

Searching For Approval, Affirmation, Validation, Recognition, Appreciation, Confirmation Essential to our growth, we all need recognition, appreciation & approval. We need others to validate us, show interest in us, be proud in us. Alongside affirmation we may also need assurance & re-assurance. Yet when we become over-dependent on others for these, or feel worthless without them, we can become powerless, especially when we get caught in continuously comparing us with others (see Comparing Us With Others below). It can be so important that we are seen, recognised, acknowledged, appreciated or maybe admired, that we would do anything to get this. We may believe that any approval is better than none and do anything (even compromise ourselves to receive approval & recognition). Needing or desiring recognition, validation or approval so much, interferes with our performance & how we are in the world. We may be constantly seeking confirmation from others about who we are, whether we are good enough. Not feeIing good about ourselves, we can look for others to source our motivation & give us the answers. Dependent on approval from others, we may go along with things, continuously wondering what others think or trying to please others or fix things for them - giving them what they want or want to hear (often at the cost of what we want or really want to say). We may be loyal to others, yet not to us. Ironically, even if we receive our longed for approval, affirmation, validation, recognition, appreciation, confirmation - important though it is, it may never be enough. If we become hooked on our need for approval or validation, we give others power over us, as if we give ourself away, selling us short. To compensate for our need, we may have developed certain habits like excessive emailing, texting or internet chatting or other unhelpful addictions. Counselling & psychotherapy can look at what may lay behind your need for approval, recognition, appreciation, admiration or adoration, including ways you can take care of your own needs and give this approval to yourself, without always having to look from outside of us. Searching for direction, we may have become overly dependent on getting our "compass" bearings from others, struggling to trust our own readings. Seeking permission from others may inhibit giving permission to our self. We may have difficulties being in touch with our own free will, expressing this, preferring to follow external authorities, yet not always feel comfortable doing this, because it is not close to who we are. Seeking our own path may be a need.

Self-Beliefs When we are convinced that nobody likes us, it is usually a signal that we need to like ourseIves. We can sink into selfpity. Our self-talk, sometimes called "inner chatter" - the voices in our head, may run on the lines of: "Others are better or more successful than me", "I'll be found out because I'm a fraud", "I better not try this, I might fail, make a mistake or get it wrong", "I'll stay in my cocoon", "I might upset someone or get uncomfortable", "What would they think", "You are rubbish", "You are nothing", "Who do you think you are?" or "You don't deserve ..." These repeated voices acting as our inner judge or selfcritic, can be an attempt to create safety (e.g. by not taking any risks). Trapped in being ashamed or sorry for us, our negative selftalk can reinforce a negative selfimage & low self-esteem. We can feel false, a fraud, a fake, as if we are an impostor, believing "I mustn't expose myself, otherwise I will be found out" or "I must adapt at all costs". We can believe we are bad, unacceptable or unlovable, questioning how anyone can love or even like us. How we measure success may also affect us. We can ensure that our inner fears of not being good enough, get reconfirmed in our interactions with other people. Some of us may have a masochistic lifestyle, suspicious & mistrusting others, believing we have to do everything on our own. We may have allowed incidents & memories from the past to shape us more than we want to. We may have got into a habit of boycotting any good thoughts. (See also Thoughts & Beliefs)

Believing We Are No Good Our very identity can be caught in the belief that we are no good (often stemming back from our childhood), and we can act as if to reinforce this. Once we start saying negative things to ourself, we tend to believe that others too have negative thoughts about us without any real evidence. We can become too selfcritical and overly dependent on worrying what others think, seeking approval, validation & reassurance from others (see Searching For Approval, Affirmation, Validation, Recognition, Appreciation, Confirmation above). We may have a strong need to be liked, yet at the same time afraid we might be exposed somehow, as if we might be seen as a fraud or weak. We may also believe that we should know everything, and struggle to let ourseIves off the hook – see Not Knowing – Our Need To Be In Control. We may believe that others know what we want. Our sensitivities may be overly precious to us. We can define our worth based on our body or looks, overlooking our inner qualities or ability to love. Our insecurity (see Emotional Insecurity below) – perceiving us as unlovable, inadequate or worthless becomes our emotional interpretation. The therapy can review the ways you see yourself & the world, looking at other possible perspectives & actions, how you make decisions & conclusions, trusting who you are & the world around you. (See also Our Identity & Personality)

Shyness Being shy for some of us can be so painful & limiting in our relationships, work & social activities – social anxiety. Counselling & psychotherapy can offer support with our shyness & vulnerability.

Approaching Challenges Fear of failure, or overly worrying about the outcome or what people thing of us, can inhibit our approach to new challenges. We may define our worth by our performance or the outcome, rather than our effort or ability to be in the moment, relax & enjoy something without constantly believing we are missing out on something. Picking yourself up after setbacks may also be important to you. Counselling & Psychotherapy can be supportive & alongside you with the struggles.

How Counselling & Psychotherapy Can Help Some people may be seeking faith in themselves & the courage to make decisions, act, be more assertive & visible in the world. In the counselling we will look how you can improve your confidence, increase & build your self-esteem, developing a healthy inner life, so you are freer to live, more from the centre of your being. This may include coming to terms with your fears, your willingness to take risks in your Iife & transforming your selfbeliefs. We may work with how to embrace change, stepping outside of what is familiar, rather than shy away from it. We may also see how you evaluate your experiences in each moment, and how you see yourself overall - the relationship you have with yourself. Despite our age it can be as if part of us hasn't quite grown up. The counselling & psychotherapy may gently challenge any selfdamaging ways you become defeated, extremely fatalistic, put yourself down, limiting your intrinsic worth or esteem-esteem, so you are in your own authority, not beholden to others. The therapy may include how you can access more of your own resources, creativity & ways you can appreciate, validate, support, assert, accept, trust & take care of yourself, so you don't diminish or sell yourself short, more able to freely live from your centre without being so overwhelmed.

Counselling Central London Psychotherapy – Criticism - Counsellor London Camden Psychotherapist
Self-Criticism

Introduction Being criticised by others can often be an attempt by them to control our behaviour, thoughts or feeIings, and this attempt demands our response. This is not only true for external criticism, but also for how we react when we criticise us and become selfcritical. In both cases this triggers our fight-flight-freeze mechanism.

• Fight reaction is a rebellious act against anything which constricts us, like our own selfcriticism. We fight off our inner voices through our rebellious ways, regardless of the consequences.
• Flight reaction means we withdraw & generally withhold, immersing into activities such as work, superficial relationships, alcohol, drugs or food for comfort. We often experience low moods.
• Freeze reaction is as if something inside of us collapses as we immerse into guilt, shame, doubt, depression, defeat, exhaustion.

Being Our Own Self-Critic Some of us can be our own worst critic - reproaching or persecuting ourself internally. Sensitive to criticism, when we are criticising us, we are putting us under internal attack, and we can automatically end up believing that these critical messages are who we are, and not a critical part of us that is attacking us. This censorship reaction can happen so quickly that we are unaware of it. And the cycle continues. Everyone experiences self-criticism - those initially "outer" voices we have heard from others, parents, friends, etc, that we have now internalised into our "inner" critic. Each of us experiences our critical thoughts & beliefs differently. This critical side of us can be very subtle or like a harsh task master, judging us and others (see below). Some people foresee dire or bad consequences of thoughts or actions. Usually when we are being overcritical of us, we also become critical & blaming of others. How we manage this is up to us. The therapy can support us being more accepting & forgiving of us and the world around us. We all have faults, qualities, strengths, achievements, skills, and gracefully accepting them at times may be our challenge.

The "Should" Voice We all have what I call our "Inner chatter" - the messages in our mind. Some of us may hear an "inner critic", often identified by a "should", "ought", "must", "never" or "always" voice. It tends to be attacking, harsh, mean, impatient, belittling & righteous. It may tell us we are inadequate & a failure. Usually when we hear this voice, we feeI bad about us, weaker & smaller, fearful, unconfident & less powerful. As this "selftalk" grows we can withdraw, feel guilty, ashamed, apathetic, lethargic, depressed, aggressive, rebellious, defensive, forcing us to over-achieve. Unnourished, inside we may be wilting.

Our "Inner Chatter" Some of us would like to still the constant chatter in our mind, so we feel less under pressure. Closely linked to our anxiety, our selfcritical voice obsesses about the future - how inadequate we will be, and the past - how badly we have done. The judgement - a particular dominant voice, tends to be generalised and harsh about who we are and our capabilities. Our selfcritic believes that they actually know what's wrong with us and why our life is doomed. This repetitious part of us offers familiar & harsh solutions & demands, e.g. "You need to work harder", "Stand up for yourself", "Be more assertive or loving". (See also Internal Monologue)

Self-Judgement Some of us can tirelessly strive to prove ourseIf. We can label us as useless, weak or lazy. We may want to hold back aspects of our personality & being in the world (often our creative & courageous part) that don't please our selfcritic or "inner" judge. Also, if we are judging ourselves harshly, we are likely to be judgemental of others. Never satisfied, always looking for problems in us or others we may find it hard to relax. Psychotherapy & counselling can help us with our selfjudgement, so we don't have to put our self on trial so much in anxiety-inducing ways. Judging us and others is closely linked to our own inner critic.

Comparing Us With Others We may frequently try to rank ourself as better or worse than others. Envy or jealousy may also creep in. Acceptance of us & others on our own journey may be in short supply. In our comparisons we make us worse off as we become defeated, which can become corrosive & self-destructive. Our comparison feeds our sense of inadequacy & insecurity (see Emotional Insecurity below), stopping us from enjoying what we have, our accomplishments, our own uniqueness & value, and those of others. We can continuously worry about what others think & how we are perceived (we may also continuously compare our body with others), and in this comparison make our esteem dependent on others. Some of us can be very busy comparing us with others, wanting to take a leaf out of their book. We may often want to copy them. We may have a strong need to fit in, or to be accepted as a part of the group. Being over-reliant or dependent on others for approval, validation, recognition, appreciation (see Searching For Approval, Affirmation, Validation, Recognition, Appreciation, Confirmation above), our selfimage & selfworth can be reduced to what they think or say. In our attempt to belong with others, we may have overlooked how to validate ourself. Counselling & psychotherapy explores the processes of our selfcomparison, any internalised conflicts and how your own frame of reference becomes more internal than external, for what you know to be true about yourself. You may also want to have a healthy self-acceptance, sense of uniqueness, a way of accepting what is, alongside also accepting what is in our control and what isn't. This may also include acceptance of painful realities. Focusing on what we want and how we get there may be a further challenge. Valuing who we are, when we no longer spend time comparing us with others, we are freer to develop our own creative processes & direct our life to our own choosing.

Diminishing Creativity & Open Heart Censoring things or misinterpreting events around us, our creativity can dwindle, we can become cynical, struggling to respond from our heart, or reach out to others. We can struggle to be fully alive & present, as if we are replaying situations (or reconfirming outcomes), which happened a long time ago (for details see Impact Of Our Past).

Self-Blame Our selfcritic imposes rules on us and tells us off when we don't follow them. Beating us up, we can punish ourseIves emotionally, e.g. selfblame, and also physically, e.g. taking solace in comfort eating or alcohol.

Difficulties Letting In The Good Used to criticism (external & internal) we may have got into a habit of hearing everything as a criticism, yet it may not be so. FeeIing bad about ourself can be triggered when we receive kindness, compliments, praise, affection or love. Embarrassed, we may want to deny or get rid of the positive, because we are used to the negative. "Why make it easy for myself, when I can make it harder" may be our logic (see also Sabotaging Things).

Appearance Our selfcritic reveals itself in different ways, at different times. It may tell us how stupid, useless & hopeless we are, or how much better than everyone else we are. It tends to appear whenever we are vulnerable, tired, threatened & insecure about something. When we are adventurous, or creative the critic can appear to judge us poorly. It can also step in when things are going well for us, maybe something "Who do you think you are?"

Fear driven, our selfcritic or censor gets fixed on showing us how incapable we are in a dangerous world, and if we don't heed their warnings or follow their advice, dreadful things will happen to us. If we follow these powerful messages, our responses, thoughts & feelings become controlled by them.

Transforming Our Fear A challenge for some can be to let go of the tight grip of their self-criticism, thrive more in the moment and find their way through the fear. The therapy can also assist in the integration of both the negative & positive messages we give to us. Our challenge may be also to integrate other aspects of us, introduce different "selftalk", by learning to trust, feeI safe yet take risks, have selfcompassion.

Counselling Central London Psychotherapy – Emotionally Insecure - Counsellor London Camden Psychotherapist
Emotional Insecurity

Emotional Insecurity Some of us can feel nervous or uneasy, triggered by (rationally or irrationally) perceiving ourselves as inadequate, worthless or unloved (often reinforced by adversely comparing us with others - see Comparing Us With Others above). We lack confidence in our own value, capability, struggling to trust us or others. When we are feeling insecure, we may be shy, believe things which aren't true & withdraw. The reverse may also be true. Some people may become arrogant, aggressive or bullying. People with a "strong character", may have learnt to hide their deep, personal feelings. In order to compensate the distress of our insecurity, we may become avoidant or controlling. Our insecurity is likely to cause us a level of isolation, immobilisation & powerlessness, often rooted from our childhood. Insecure, we may fret about our future, often waiting for something bad to happen, struggling to be where we're at in the moment. The counselling & psychotherapy supports you in being in touch with your own worth, supporting your sense of assuredness. Trusting who we are (see also Putting Trust In Us above), and the environment around us, so we get our sense of security from inside, may be our challenge. Trusting our partner may be a further challenge. Some of the insecurity we experience may be existential insecurity, natural in us all, which can't be "cured".

Counselling London Central Psychotherapy – Avoiding Confrontations, Fear of Conflict - Counsellor London Psychotherapist
Avoiding Conflict, Fear of Confrontation

Fear Of Conflict Whenever there is a potential for change, there can be internal conflict (within us) and external conflict (between us & others), and the therapy can look at what happens inside us, our options, actions & free will. Being different to others, having our own needs, can bring about conflict, disagreements & at times confrontation. We may have tried to avoid confrontation at all costs - even to the cost of our self (for example we may try to overly please people or fix things), however sometimes disagreement or conflict are inevitable. How conflict is managed & our approach to others may be of importance. Often our fear of confrontation, and what it may lead to, can be out of proportion, as we imagine possible scenarios. Procrastinating, avoiding conflict, we may fear disagreements, others anger or our own. We may not want to get upset or upset others. Lonely inside, not knowing how to be, we may try to avoid conflict, confrontation. Where there is conflict, being strong, resilient, with our own healthy boundaries for protection can support us. Being assertive in our own way may be our challenge. (See also Conflict In The Relationship Or Marriage)

Apologising Some of us may routinely say sorry & apologise, yet don't really mean it. We may have got into the habit of beating ourself up when we apologise, automatically believing that we are to blame. If a person expects us to apologise, and we give it to them, regardless of whether we feel apologetic or that we have something to apologise for, then it can be as if we are trying to control how this person sees us. It is as if we have to give us up at the expense of feeIing bad inside - what the other person feels about us overrides us being true to ourself. The other person may be happy receiving our apology, yet we may feel low or disappointed, with our integrity compromised. When we apologise because we feeI genuinely bad about something we did, we are respecting us & the other by acknowledging our poor behaviour, and we tend to be more at ease with ourself. We haven't abandoned us to get approval or love. Others may need to blame someone else & avoid saying sorry at all costs. Our pride can stop us apologising. Some people may also struggle with forgiveness & letting go. Counselling & psychotherapy can consider these issues with you.

Counselling London Psychotherapy – Assertiveness Counselling Services - Counsellor London Camden Psychotherapist
Assertiveness

Our Assertiveness Some of us have beliefs about acceptable ways of interacting with others. These beliefs or communication styles can go back to experiences or messages from childhood (e.g. others may think we are selfish), which keep us unassertive. We can be afraid of saying "No" to people, because we might hurt their feeIings, they might get angry or reject us. For some these beliefs may no longer be valid. We may also feel guilty when we assert who we are, which compounds our assertiveness problem. Especially for those of us who are sensitive, we may want to get to know our personal boundaries & assert them. We may want to assert ourself clearly & respectfully, without punishing, attacking or blaming, playing games, people pleasing or hoping the other person reads our mind. We may struggle with our own style of being assertive, we may be aggressive, manipulative or passive aggressive. Counselling & psychotherapy supports developing positive beliefs about assertiveness, being in our personal power, taking care of our needs, standing up for & expressing who we are & what we want directly, honestly & clearly (see also Re-Connecting To Who We Are & Being Grounded In Our Body). We may also look at how we manage coming up against resistance or criticism from others, their uncaring or rejecting behaviour, so we can make our own imprints in Iife. Assertiveness training can also be offered, so we are more in touch with our emotions, values, opinions – ours & others. Expressing & receiving constructive criticism & anger may also empower us to make our own choices. Alternative responses to ones we usually adopt can also be a part of the assertiveness counselling. Some of us can feel like a victim or persecutor in our relationship or marriage, which can also be included in the counselling & psychotherapy.