Counselling & Psychotherapy

Counselling Central London Psychotherapy – Identity Crisis Types of Personality Traits - Counsellor London Camden Psychotherapist
Our Identity, Roles & Personality

Our Sense Of Identity & Who We Are is shaped by our background, history & heritage, our culture & race, our sexuality, spirituality or religion, our family - their comments & expectations (and our own expectations), and also our life experiences. Our identity is also linked to our memory, yet our memories are not us - the sense of our self. The more emotion invested into certain memories, the more they can become part of our identity - the story we tell about our self. How we forge our own identity, constructing our own life, developing relationships, being separate & different to others, what it means to be a man or woman, alongside other factors, shape who we are (see also Other Influences). We have many identities: a work identity, as a partner or parent, etc., yet these may not be sufficient to us in defining all of who we are. We may base our sense of identity on external factors & how we look on the outside which may differ to what's going on inside. Paradoxically we may gain a stronger sense of who we are because of our ability to be different when responding to different circumstances. We may want to find out who am I in these different "me's"?, to discover or live more from our own personal identity. The counselling & psychotherapy can support you in developing a more accurate perception of who you are - being in touch with the person you want to be.

Being In London Where we are from forms part of our identity & adjusting to London can bring us right up against personal identity issues – how & where we belong. It can be as if we are a tourist in our native country (or county), yet feel a foreigner, outsider or different in London, experiencing homesickness, inner loneliness or alienation, no longer sure where our "home" now is and where we belong. This may be very painful. We may be living in a country, which is not our own, missing our own home country, even though we may have left for good reasons. We may benefit from living in London, yet have forsaken so much, given up important things we have valued as well. Adjusting to living in London, it can be as if we are in some sort of culture shock. We may experience living in London as claustrophobic. "What am I doing here in London?" may be a question we return to. Noticing & adjusting to the cultural "norms" of London, how things work and ways of doing things can be a challenge. Whether to put our roots down in London may be a further question. If we are from abroad and living in London, we may also have a sense of rootlessness, especially if we have visa or passport restrictions. Alone or in our inner world we may at times revert to our mother tongue in how we think, feel & dream. Sometimes our cultural way of seeing things is not the same as others & we may struggle to articulate this. Preserving our identity, and where we are from, being grounded in our body may be important to us, as we adapt to integrating & living in London. Our cultural or religious differences in our relationships may also be a cause of concern.

Identity Crisis We may have an undercurrent unease or awkwardness in "who we are" or what we've become. When our identity or role is wrapped up in one specific area, if things go astray, there may be a problem. We may have an old template for how we are to be in the world, which no longer works. We may be uncomfortable, disappointed or have some disdain with who we are or what we've become – trapped on a Iife course or specific role identity of our own making, which we are increasingly uncomfortable with. There may be an uncomfortable or incongruent mismatch between what's going on inside, and how we are in the world. Others may have a sense of shame or betrayal. "If I am not this ... then who am I?" maybe a question for some. Counselling & psychotherapy can also consider the various masks we show to the world, and how we are on the inside.

The Different Sides Of Us Some of us may be confused, or struggle with accepting the different & ambivalent sides of us: our dark & light side, our vulnerable side, our pleasant or unpleasant side, our destructive or creative side, our loving side, our sexuality, the sides we hide or deny in us, etc. We may have put all our eggs into one basket, being wrapped up with a part of us at the exclusion of other unexplored parts of us.

The Roles We Take On Life can be like a drama or play, being acted out. And in this drama we have a range of roles. We may believe we actually are this role. If this role becomes under threat, we may take it personally (as if our role is us). We may become defensive or attacking. We all have and need different roles in life to get on, respond to different people & situations. Our roles continue to evolve throughout our existence. Sometimes we adopt, or have been given, a role in the family. The roles & identities we have taken on or adopted may have been passed down to us or learnt. These old roles or identities may have become redundant, not always benefiting us now. We may try so hard to retain them that we may lose ourself. Having so many roles to play, we may become confused, overloaded. We may also want to lose some old roles, which no longer work, develop & create new roles, which are rewarding, enriching. We may want to let go of some of them, experimenting with up to date ones, which are clear & closer to who we are now. Living how we want to be, rather than how we should be, may be a challenge.

The Images We Have Of Us, The Images We Like To Show To The World & Who We Are The image we want to show to the world - how we'd like to be seen - may be different to what's happening inside – our selfimage & inner life. How we see ourself in the mirror can bring up certain issues. Uncomfortable inside, we may be feeling one thing, yet consistently show another. We may like, not like or be uncomfortable with the image we show to others being different to the one we are inside. We may believe we are not only deceiving others, but also us. We may kid or even lie to ourself, justifying things to suit the image of how we are supposed to be, denying all of who we are. Some of us may struggle to integrate all of who we are. For example, outwardly we may pretend to be overly nice - that must be our role, yet we may be unaware of what we really need or want, or of our true identity. In relationships for example we may be stuck in roles of victim, persecutor or rescuer (for other roles we take on see Behaviours or Roles below). Counselling & psychotherapy can explore with you the different authentic & effective roles you need & want to create in life, so you are able to adapt yourself to different people, situations, yet be in touch with the core of who you are. Superficially we can be OK on the outside, yet inside something may be missing. How we & others see us compared to what we believe about ourseIves may be very different, and this can also be explored in the therapy. Facing ourselves in who we are may be important and the therapy can be useful in offering us a mirror back.

Measures Of Success We may have tied up our sense of identity with our status or success, the work we do, being the best at something, what we own & how well off we are, how impressive our clothes are, how sexually attractive we or our partner are, the number of friends we have, the amount of approval & attention we get, being a big name in our field of work or how famous we are (see also Successful People). We may also measure success by our appearance or body shape. We may strive for more external gratification, or turn to unhelpful habits or addictions. Comparing us with others, without living our own journey in life, may get in the way. These external or outward signs of success may be important, yet if we are empty inside, have abandoned our seIf, ignored our inner worth, generosity of spirit, they may seem shallow. Our identity may be so linked to what we do that we may have overlooked who we are. In despair, we may have been out of touch with how happy we are inside, how compassionate we are with us & others. Some of us may not only fear failure but also success.

Underlying Questions We may want to develop a stronger sense of who we are - who this "real me" is. Counselling & psychotherapy can support you with any personal identity struggles you have and important questions, such as:

• What determines my identity?
• Who am I, who is this me?
• How do I find myself?
• What is my core seIf, the one that is me, the body & soul of who I am?
• How am I in my body?
• Where am I from?
• How did I get here at this stage of my Iife?
• Where is my Iife going?
• What is worthwhile?
• What is really driving me?
• What gives me meaning, purpose in life & what do I value?
• What are my interests or passions, which closely bind me to my identity?
• How to be in the world with uncertainties?
• What's my place in the world, how & where do I belong?
• How do I want to stand in the world?
• How do I accept who I am?
• How to be the author of my own life?
• What role does destiny play in my world?
• How do I relate to a world, that's not just personal to me?

(For more details see Living To Our Full Potential)

Facets Of Personality Many aspects shape our character. Our personality can also be shaped by social & cultural context. Our personality may have commonalities with others. Some people talk of "personality traits" or "personality types", e.g. tending to be introvert or extrovert, optimist or pessimist, led by our heart, intuition or mind, yet often we can be a mixture of these. We may question what personality traits belong to our parents, and which ones belong to us. One aspect of us may push towards getting our basic needs met, and other aspects of us may be pulled by our values & purpose. Our personality may be determined not only by previous events, but by where we want to head in the future. "Who are we & what it means to be us?" may be a question we hold. Some of us may compartmentalise things. Counselling & psychotherapy can be used to explore facets & integration of our personality - the wholeness of who we are - our psyche or soul, what makes up our personality: our body, mind, feelings, sexuality & spirituality, our instincts, creative imagination & unconscious motivations. These aspects, and more, contribute to what makes us different - what we are, our essence of being a person, an individual human being. The uniqueness of our personality traits, e.g. our temperament, nature, qualities & limitations, skills & abilities, attitudes, behaviours, responses, how we identify who we are and what distinguishes us from others contributes to our own personality. Accepting the aspects of us we would rather not have, or be blind to (including our shadow), may also be a part of the work. The therapy may also include working with unconscious aspects of our personality. The counselling & psychotherapy therefore supports you in gaining a thorough knowledge of your personality, sense of who you are, how to be in touch, express & control your desires, drives, instincts & connect to your truest sense of self, unifying & integrating its elements around the centre of who you are.

Being Real Some of us may have been leading a superficial lifestyle no longer to our liking and want to remove some of our obstacles, masks & certain outdated roles. Not being real can sap our energy. We may be overly dependent upon what we have, "labels", the work we do, our appearance, what other people are doing, focusing on the surface, rather than what is beneath. We may want to be more real - owning & expressing our own reality, comfortable in our own skin, whatever this means for us, centred in who we are, at peace, empowered & positive. The continuous struggle whether to be authentic or inauthentic can lead us to existential concerns. For some people the challenge of being real can evoke fear of being too exposed. This may be linked to our shame & guilt. "If I take away what I've been, and get rid of the familiar, what's left?" may be our concern. We may worry, that if we are being our self, that others may not want us, like us, appreciate us, that they may disapprove or get upset. Fearing conflict or confrontation, we may get caught in a double bind of not wanting to upset others, yet be our self. Not being who we are we may have learnt to please others or fix things (see The Fixer & The People Pleaser Or Pacifier below). Our way of being is not permanent or fixed and we may want to experiment other ways of being. We can choose to be who we want to be. Counselling & psychotherapy can help explore these with you, alongside our known (conscious) & unknown (unconscious) aspects. The counselling & psychotherapy may also support you at your own pace in being more real, authentic, if that is your desire (see also Being & Doing).

Getting Back In Touch With Who We Are We may become overwhelmed by persistent, powerful emotions or beliefs, influencing our roles & identities. We may put ourself under constant pressure to be someone else, as if we always have to put up a front. We may speak or act in many disguises. We may struggle to be in touch with our intrinsic worth, having forgotten who we are, that we matter, belong & accept who we are, with our roles. For various reasons some of us may be confused or lose a sense of our own true identity, how it sits with us, how we are in the world & our autonomy, alongside our free will. How connected we are with our self can also influence how we respond to others. A crisis of identity may point to deeper issues, also of an existential nature. Letting go of an aspect of our life may be a challenge. Our own curiosity, vitality, values, sense of empathy, warmth, kindness & generosity of spirit, contribution to the world & internal identity may have been ignored. This sense of who we are - what makes us uniquely us, our own essence, presence, individual "I" with the ability to reflect & direct attention, alongside our personal resilience, can also be explored in the therapy.

Our Personal Identity can sometimes be devoted to a shallow, limited, or partial aspect of us, and the bigger picture - all of who we are, can be overlooked. Getting on in the world without fully participating in it, we may question our current sense of identity. Putting on a brave face may not always work for us. Our old roles or identities may no longer help us, or we may no longer value them (e.g. we may identify "who we are" as our mistakes or weakness). Believing we are no good can affect our very identity. Connecting to our our own worth may be important. We may be used to "pretending to be me", false in some way, and now feel like a fraud or impostor (as if we'll be found in some way), or simply uncomfortable about our way of being in the world. We may be so overly focused on one part of us at the expense of other unexplored aspects. Our identity may be evolving. Letting go of these old ways, so that a more authentic "me" emerges, being at ease with who we are & with others may be our challenge, so we have a stronger base for our self. Who we are & how we are may have become confusing. We may struggle to simply not know the answers. We may have our own scenario that if we open up and be ourself then ... Certain emotions, thoughts or beliefs, behaviours or roles can dominate, as if this is all we have, or are, that they become our only identity, e.g.:

• Feelings
  • Fear
  • Anger
  • Depression
  • Disappointment
  • Disillusionment
  • Despondency
  • Desire
  • Neediness
  • Fraud, false, fake, like an impostor
• Old Thoughts or Rigid Beliefs (see also Thoughts & Beliefs)
  • I should...
  • I'm useless
  • I need to be perfect
  • I'm in charge
  • I'm unworthy
  • How I look defines who I am
• Behaviours or Roles
  • Our template or default role
  • Our "inner" critic or censor, the judge
  • The rescuer or saviour
  • "Poor me"
  • The catastrophiser
  • The procrastinator
  • Stuck in our unhealed wounds
  • The persecutor or dictator
  • The saboteur or rebel
  • Our cynic
  • The striver, slave driver or task master
  • The perfectionist
  • World saviour
  • The observer
  • The joker
  • Our work identity
  • The fixer (see below)
  • People pleasing (see below)

The Fixer When there is a problem, it can be very tempting to find solutions, suggest solutions, mend things, yet this may not always be what our partner needs. Problem solving can be our second nature. We can be good at stepping in and fixing things or solving problems and want to fix things because we care. Sometimes our habit is to fix things in the belief that we are helping, solving or rescuing the situation. We will do what it takes, or whatever it means, to make it better. Keeping busy, fixing things, may not always work. When things can't be fixed, or others don't allow us to fix things, we may become anxious or attacking. In our role of fixing things at least we can remain in control, yet it may be received as being controlling. Our fixer may have a tendency to say something like "If I were you I would ...", "Let me do it for you". Trying to fix things may have become our habit and may disempower others. If we can't fix or are unappreciated, we may end up becoming frustrated or angry. Listening, rather than jumping in, may be a challenge for us.

The People Pleaser Or Pacifier We want to please others because we care, yet there may be other underlying motivations. In our rescuing mode we can constantly try to please, placate or pacify others, and may have been doing this for years (it can take up a lot of time), as if we have no choice. Deep down, some of us may not actually like pleasing others, yet seem unable to stop as if we are giving away ourself, relying on others to be our source of self-worth. We may be pleasing others out of duty to make them happy, as a way of trying to control them, so they won't be unhappy. We may have discounted our own needs in order not to upset anyone, scared of their reactions, fearing conflict of confrontation. Sensitive or well meaning, we may not want to hurt others, upset them, and feel guilty when we do. If someone is in a bad mood it can be as if we have to make us responsible for it. We can be there for others, yet not get much back. We may wonder why the more we give, the more others take. Sometimes our own forsaken needs can be expressed out of the blue, where others, and even us, may become surprised when we switch from pleasing to attacking. Kind & caring on the outside, we may try very hard to accommodate others, and when things don't work out or we can't hold things in any longer, we may implode or explode. While we keep on pleasing others, we may lose track with who we are or struggle to keep in touch with and express our needs & wants.

Pleasing Others - What May Be Happening Inside Empty inside we may want to make things better. How others see us may have become more important than who we are. We may continuously cover things up, pretending uncomfortable things aren't happening inside of us. We may end up apologising when we don't really mean to. Outwardly, we go along with things or agree with everything, maybe even trying to be what someone else wants us to be. We may like to show the world that it doesn't matter or nothing bothers us - but it does really (see also Not Wanting To Upset Our Partner). Continuously trying to keep everyone happy can become a burden. Even when we're agreeing with something (often when we forcefully agree) it can be really annoying & frustrating for us inside. We may struggle to say "No" directly, or say "Yes" when we really mean "No", and then have to find ways round this. Almost a pushover at times, we may not want to stand out, yet overtly or secretly resent others for not being grateful, appreciate our efforts, as if we become like a victim, martyr or rescuer. Pleasing others, going along with things, may be our attempt to be liked and approved, so we are not abandoned or rejected. We may also have set up a caretaking or codependent relationship, which can also be explored in counselling & psychotherapy.

Commonalities Between Our Fixer & Pleaser

• A belief that we know best & can make it better
• Whatever we do, may never be enough
• Often our good intentions go unappreciated, and we may wonder why
• Being uncomfortable in a different role, other than pleasing or fixing
• Jumping in to fix or please
• A need to get it right or be perfect
• We may not hear or acknowledge what others really say, because our focused attention has gone on to fixing or pleasing
• We may close down something in the other person by not allowing them their space
• We may want to protect the other person, and indeed us, from uncomfortable feelings, e.g. not wanting them to worry, get angry or reject us
• Our fixing & pleasing may be a way of glossing over things, filtering things out, not considering others' real needs
• We may struggle to bear certain, uncomfortable or unbearable feelings
• In our habitual need to fix things or please others may also be a need to avoid intimacy, emotional connection, conflict & confrontation
• Behind our need to fix things or please others we may also have fears of abandonment or rejection
• Uneasiness about not knowing things & the need to be in control
• In our attempt to please others or fix things we may make them become dependent on us, which meets our own dependency needs, yet our pleasing or fixing may be received as being controlling
• Avoiding challenge, discouraging difference, which may lead to difficulties in allowing the relationship to develop & grow
• Finding it hard to allow or encourage others to flourish
• We may fear that if we stopped continuously pleasing others or fixing things, we might be exposed as a fraud or fake
• We may become insecure inside, struggle with our confidence & esteem, when our role of pleaser or fixer doesn't work
• Trying so hard to please or fix things we may end up struggling to be real (see Being Real above)
• Trying to make things better, solve things, which are in the other person's hands
• We can take on responsibility for others, and blame ourselves when things go wrong, that it is all about us
• Trying to take on a caretaking role, yet abandoning our own needs
• People around us (and indeed us) may become frustrated, and the more we try to fix or please, the more frustrated we & they become - they just don't seem grateful
• Trying to rescue situations, yet ending up feeling like a victim or becoming attacking, which may surprise us or others (see Drama Triangle of Victim, Rescuer, Persecutor)
• We too may become angry, when despite all our efforts, we are not appreciated or our role of pleasing or fixing becomes under threat
• Not wanting to let others down, disappoint them, maybe trying to control outcomes we may seek approval, affirmation, reassurance, recognition, validation, appreciation, praise, permission or confirmation
• Learning to please or fix things, it may be as if a part of us has not grown up, stuck with some unhealed wounds
• A part of us may no longer want to fix or please, yet both us & others have become comfortable in this role (as if that has become what the relationship has been based upon)
• Tiredness, exhaustion, continuously trying to please others, fix things

Counselling & Psychotherapy can help with the integration of all aspects of us, and support you in exploration of your own identity – your own ground, your intrinsic worth & esteem, sense of seIf beyond fear – what you are, who & how you want to be, your own essence & presence. Being congruent – having our external behaviour matching our internal emotions, thoughts & physicality may be a challenge for some. You may also be struggling with bridging an "old you" & emerging "new you". You may also want to be in touch with & develop your personal identity, become more aware of who you are - the author of your own life with our own integrity. Letting go of any over-reliance or attachment to old ways of being, being flexible, embracing change & transformation may be a further challenge.