Counselling & Psychotherapy

Counselling London Psychotherapy – Central London Counselling Services - Perfectionism - Counsellor London Camden Psychotherapist
Perfectionism

Benefits & Costs Of Perfectionism Perfectionism can lead to high achievement, great results, excellence. Being thorough & doing things right & properly can be rewarding. Being a perfectionist can seem like a gift at times & a curse in other times and we can become trapped in this ideal. Dedicating our resources is often essential if we are to achieve something important, yet if we are so fixed, or attached to a perfect outcome, our dedication can be at the expense of other aspects of our Iife, as if our very identity - our selfimage is to be perfect. Seeking perfection, endlessly tweaking things or paying attention to detail at certain times can be rewarding – something to be proud of, yet some of us may struggle to know, and accept, when things don't have to be perfect or so detailed. "Do it perfectly or not at all" or "If you cannot do it right, then don't bother" – are often an admirable ways of responding, yet at times this can work against us. If we hold on too tightly to our perfectionism, it may stop us starting & completing things leading to reduced productivity. It can be as if we are addicted to perfectionism. Always having to do thing perfectly may become our preoccupation. We may miss out on living in a more rounded & forgiving way. When things aren't fine or perfect, we can become very anxious, stressed, especially when we can't control outcomes. Trying to make things perfect may also be an attempt to hide our vulnerability to people closest to us.

Searching For Perfection Doing things to excess, we may constantly believe we have to prove something, that our own identity is shaped by these high expectations (not only of us, but of others). The part of us that is a perfectionist drives a lot of things. Some of our own insecurities may be at play here. Anything less than perfection we believe lets us or others down. In our search for perfection we may want to continuously show others what we've achieved or how good we are, as if we have to prove something. We may also hope some become envious & jealous of us. Setting high standards may be important for us, yet when these standards always have to be the very best, it can be hard to let ourselves off the hook, that everything doesn't always have to be perfect. Letting go, relaxing into things, may be a challenge for us.

Our Inner Perfectionist World In an imperfect world we may struggle with things being messy, not always right. Things may have to be totally perfect, otherwise they won't do, we expect the best, nothing less and we can easily get disappointed. We may have irrational beliefs that we or others should be perfect, yet the world lets us down, where nothing & no one is good enough. Our need to be perfect, or for a perfect world – to have it all, may also reflect a deeper search or longing. This yearning may point to a search for something so ideal, perfect, yet not humanly possible. This can be explored in psychotherapy alongside how it affects relating with others. Lonely inside, "I don't need anyone else" may be our mantra. We may believe that we have no faults, yet we are good at finding faults in others, as if we are entitled to do so. This can after a while become alienating. We may be intolerant of weaknesses in others, and indeed ourseIves. Our perfectionism may have certain addictive qualities. Endlessly striving, our tireless search for perfection, or the perfect person (forever comparing our partner unfavourably with others), can render us being inwardly unhappy, disappointed, often pressurised or anxious. We may keep obsessively checking things, and get exhausted in the process. Always keeping busy may be important to us. Our perfectionism may also be closely linked to our self-esteem. We may have become dependent on seeking the approval, validation, recognition or affirmation from others. As parents we may try to be perfect to our children, yet in our humanness inevitably fall short of this. Instead of trying to do everything perfectly, we may want to consider doing our best. You may want to utilise the counselling & psychotherapy to be less in the grip of perfection.

Perfectionism In Relationships Some of us seek a perfect relationship, but never quite find it, as if we are searching for an ideal love, and longed for connection with someone, impossible for a human being to offer. (See also Expectations & Disappointments In Relationships)

Overcoming Or Managing Our Perfectionism Counselling & Psychotherapy can help us be less burdened by our needs & idea of perfection, by being in touch with our own nature & limits (maybe our own fear or inadequacies) and learn not to be such a perfectionist, if that is our desire, so our perfectionism problem no longer defines us.

Counselling London Psychotherapy - Central London Counselling Services - Counsellor London Camden Psychotherapist
Being Over-Demanding Of Ourselves

Being Overdemanding Our inner perfectionist or inner critic may be running our lives in other ways. Some of us may be over-demanding, pushing or punishing ourseIf harder than we need to, never satisfied with our achievements, because we should always do better or more. Meticulously striving, we can be our own slave driver, a harsh taskmaster, especially if we are a high performer or high achiever. Trying very hard, we can wonder "for what?", which for some can lead to existential questions. And when we stop trying, we become closer to who we are. Our well intentioned goals, can end up being selfimposed, punishing, unachievable demands to be reached at all costs. Striving & driven we can overlook the driver - our very seIf & others we care about. Some of us can put all our energies into our work (see Work-Life Balance, Workaholism, Addicted To Work, Work Addiction). Pressurising ourself, trying to impress, we can be so goal oriented, that our emotions, the full richness of our humanity and quality of our relationships with others can be ignored. Those of us who are over-demanding & pushing of ourseIves also tend to be of others. Woe betide other people's shortcomings - or even our own(see also Being Overdemanding Of Our Partner). We may have been taught that suffering is a virtue and that joy is wrong or selfish. Counselling and psychotherapy can help us explore those forces inside of us, that we must over-achieve or achieve at all costs and look at other possible alternatives.

Counselling Central London Psychotherapy – Competitiveness - Counsellor London Camden Psychotherapist
Competitiveness

Being Competitive Competitiveness has many pluses. Our competitiveness can be a driving force, fostering innovation & creativity. Being competitive can push us, keep us on out toes, making us strive further & achieve things. Our competitiveness can help us rise to the challenge & grow (whether or not we get what we want or "win"). Being competitive can be fun & uplifting, especially when we win. Competitiveness can build comradeship. However, fear or our need to believe we are superior to others, may sometimes drive our competitiveness. Lack of achievement or fear of not being good enough may drive our competitiveness, so if we don't get what we want or unfavourably compare who we are with others, we can criticise us or others. Some of us may have become scathed by the level of comparison & competition we experienced when younger, which drives us now. Envy may also creep in and be our driver to compete more & more. We may be so overly competitive, that we find it hard to co-operate with others, which affects our relationships. We may know no other way than being competitive so winning is our "be all" & "end all". Yet there may be a cost to our competitiveness: our competitive attitude may put distance between us & others, our humanness may take second stage to winning. If we don't win, we may become depressed or angry. We may end up becoming lonely inside and we can become more limited with our creativity. (See also Competitiveness In The Relationship Or Marriage)

Counselling Central London Psychotherapy - Counsellor London Camden Psychotherapist
Fear Of Failure & Making Mistakes

Learning From Our Mistakes Fear of making mistakes, getting things wrong, failure or not knowing can inhibit us. We can harshly give ourself a hard time when we make mistakes, try to be perfect, or expect others to be. We can be understanding & forgiving of children when they naturally make mistakes, but less so about our fallible selves or others (somehow believing that as adults we shouldn't make mistakes, or be forgiving of us and others). Yet as Sigmund Freud remarks, "From error to error one discovers the entire truth".

Reactions To Our Mistakes Admitting to our mistakes is not easy. Running away from them, or covering them up, can be our reaction. We can feel demoralised, sad, remorseful, guilty, ashamed, bad or "found out". Disappointment, regret & anger may follow and we can beat ourself up. We can lose our integrity. Being open-hearted to any harm we caused to us or other can be a struggle. A challenge here can be to compassionately take responsibility for ourseIves, learn & grow from the experience, to be emotionally freer as we trust, respect us & others. Letting go of our mistakes, forgiveness may also be important, as may gaining insights, so we can make better choices now.

Fear Of Success It can be familiar to us to fear failure, yet like the flipside of a coin, in these apparent opposites we may also fear succeeding. How we measure success and what it means for us may also be something we want to examine. Counselling & psychotherapy can discuss these apparent contradictions with you.

Counselling Central London Psychotherapy - Counsellor London Camden Psychotherapist
Getting It Right

Always Having To Get Things Right We can spend much of our time driven, trying to get or make everything right, or understand everything. Giving us some time off, getting off this hook or letting go of this need can be releasing.

Counselling London Psychotherapy - Central London Counselling Services - Counsellor London Camden Psychotherapist
Uncertainty

Living With Uncertainty No matter how much we plan, we can't totally prepare for every eventuality. Being adaptable, flexible at times can support us. Clinging on to all or nothing thinking may be a way we cope to avoid living with uncertainty. Uncertainty is simply a part of life, yet can bring up stress, fear & anxiety in us. Not everything can be measured, easily reduced to certainty. Things aren't always predictable or secure. We are constantly in flux, and remaining as open as possible to our experiences can paradoxically take us to not knowing what we thought we knew as our own experience of truth can evolve. This in itself can bring up apprehension & existential anxiety or concerns, such as "How should I live?" or "Why am I here?" As Sartre says "Everything has been figured out, except how to live". In an uncertain, unpredictable world, some of us can struggle with uncertainties, conflicts, contradictions, Iife's mess, mysteries & transitions. What we thought was certain is no longer. Some of us can't bear uncertainty & struggle to allow that some things can't be understood. Knowing there is no certainty, we may struggle to live with uncertainty. We can be afraid of this, yet uncertainty can also be a springboard for us, when we allow things to unfold. Our greats opportunities may arrive through uncertainty, so as we don't stagnate, but change, yet we may struggle with change. We can also utilise our uncertainty to be creative, more imaginative. We can also be moved to thinking deeply about us, others & the wider world - what our true values & principles are, why we are here & what we really want to do with our Iife. Counselling & psychotherapy can allow for any unwanted feeIings that come up about uncertainties, so they can be expressed & managed, and also explores what else may be arising for you.

Central London Counselling Psychotherapy - Ambivalence - Counsellor Psychotherapist Camden
Ambivalence

Being definite about things can be helpful at times, yet holding contradictory views, thoughts & feelings - living with ambivalence can be a challenge, especially when it can stop us making decisions, moving forward. When we are in touch with our contradictions, we may also be freer to be creative. Holding our boundaries can support us with our discomfort, ambivalence & contradictory feelings.

Central London Counselling Psychotherapy - Not Knowing - Counsellor Psychotherapist Camden
Not Knowing – Our Need To Be In Control

Living With What's Unknown Some of us can be stuck in our heads, forever trying to work things out, intellectualising everything. We may compartmentalise or label things, keeping us safe. We may want to control the future by trying to work out all possible scenarios, which stops us being in the moment, valuing our subjective experience. We may desire absolutes - what's right or wrong by developing "all or nothing" thinking or struggle with double-binds, paradox. How & when we die, and then what happens, may also be a concern. Although questioning in Iife is important, we can be overly dependent on knowing & categorising everything to make us safe. We can take comfort in familiarity, finding it hard to let in anything new. Yet nature teaches us much about suffering, complexity & simplicity, chaos & uncertainty, and some of us want to deny this natural process. (See also Healthy Side Of Doubt)

Our Response To The Unknowable For many of us it can be counter-intuitive to be comfortable with not knowing things. We may believe it is weak not to know things, that if we ask, we are weak. We may want to believe we should know the right & only answers for everything, that nothing should be ambiguous or a mystery. We may struggle with what is unresolved, irresolvable, insoluble & the ever-changing ethical & emotional dilemmas we face. Insecure inside, we may want to be more relaxed, permitting ourseIves not to know or control everything. Not being in control can bring up a lot in us (see Not Knowing & Being In Control below). We may continuously keep busy & struggle with silence. Psychotherapy can provide the space to manage our confusions, frustrations & anxiety. This may help us tolerate the unknown, unknowable & the unexpected, and we may want to journey into some of these unknown territories. These too can be explored in counselling. Utilising our imagination & enjoying our curiosity (like the wondering or curiosity we had as a child, when it didn't matter) we may discover more about us, including what's been hidden, dormant aspects of our imagination, our values & the world. (See also Suffering & Love)

Not Knowing & Being In Control The need to be in full control & know everything maybe a factor for some. Life isn't predictable or always knowable. It is also full of the unfamiliar, unexpected & uncontrollable. Not knowing things we may be challenged by accepting or coping with what is in our control & what isn't. Some of us may need to control things, because inside there is a part of us that feels out of control, which we cannot bear. Frustrated, we may struggle to accept the things we cannot control, which are out of our hands. Being powerless over other people, events, can be challenging for some, especially if we struggle with codependency. Remaining in control, although not knowing things, may be important. Some of these struggles may bring us against our existential concerns.

Being Safe Enough Letting go of what we've known for so long, our beliefs or need to control everything and allowing in what we don't know, being safe enough in uncertainty, may be our biggest challenge. In the counselling & psychotherapy we may also want to address what's in our control and what isn't. In our need to control things, a part of us may be out of control, which we may find hard to acknowledge, and this too can be explored in counselling & psychotherapy. (See also Role Of The Unconscious - "The Yet To Be Revealed")

Central London Counselling Psychotherapy - Counsellor Psychotherapist Camden
Summary

Overview Fear-driven some of us can get anxious if we don't have all the answers or can't always get it right or be perfect. There may be a part of us that is never satisfied. If we can't bear not knowing, are fearful of making mistakes, over-demanding or try to be a perfectionist it can be tiring (not just to us) & a lot to Iive up to. We may also expect others to posses our own high standards. Other needs or areas of our life may be neglected. Avoiding difficult feeIings, being inconsolable may be at the heart of our behaviour, and some of us may try to fix things, please others or turn to unwanted habits or addictions. Our need to be in control may include the need to control others. Some of us may also have control issues in our relationship or marriage. We may take everything seriously, struggling to loosen & lighten up, or find humour in things. The counselling & psychotherapy can help us in these areas.