Counselling London Psychotherapy - Overcome Perfectionism, Perfectionism Therapy, Cure Perfectionism, Perfectionism Help
Once you accept the fact that you're not perfect, then you develop some confidence.Rosalynn Carte
Benefits & Costs Of Perfectionism Perfectionism can be a good thing, leading to high achievement, great results, excellence. Using perfectionism in good ways being thorough & striving to do things right & properly, being the best without being over-meticulous, pushing & stretching ourselves, can be rewarding. Being a perfectionist can seem like a gift at times & a curse in other times and we can become trapped in this ideal (e.g. "I have to be the best and can't fail"), struggling to relax our high standards. Dedicating our resources is often essential if we are to achieve something important, yet if we are so fixed, or attached to a perfect outcome, our dedication can be at the expense of other aspects of our life, as if our very identity - our selfimage is to be perfect. Seeking perfection, endlessly tweaking things or paying attention to detail at certain times can be rewarding - something to be proud of, yet some of us may struggle to know, and accept, when things don't have to be perfect or so detailed. "Do it perfectly or not at all" or "If you cannot do it right, then don't bother" - are often an admirable ways of responding, yet at times this can work against us. If we hold on too tightly to our perfectionism, it may stop us starting & completing things leading to reduced productivity. It can be as if we are addicted to perfectionism, as if somehow to survive (which can be explored in the therapy). Fuelled by self-doubt, always having to do things perfectly - doing and saying the right things, may become our preoccupation. We may miss out on living in a more rounded & forgiving way. When things aren't fine or perfect, we can become very anxious, stressed, especially when we can't control outcomes (and often it is our own anxiety that is driving our need for things to be perfect in the first place). Trying to make things perfect may also be an attempt to hide our vulnerability, tenderness, avoid being our self to people closest to us. By now we may recognise we have a perfectionism problem and overcome perfectionism dominating our life. Counselling for perfectionism can be offered.
Searching For Perfection Doing things to excess, we may constantly believe we have to prove something, that our own identity is shaped by these high expectations (not only of us, but of others). And some of these expectations may go back years. The part of us that is a perfectionist drives a lot of things and the counselling for perfectionism may therefore explore what it is that drives us. Some of our own insecurities, search for validation, approval, affirmation, reassurance, confirmation, permission, recognition, appreciation, praise, attention, adoration, admiration, adulation, acceptance (or sense of impending doom) may be at play here. Anything less than perfection we believe lets us or others down. In our search for perfection we may want to continuously show others what we've achieved or how good we are, as if we have to prove something, that we matter, feel useful and want to make things different, some of which may point to our relationship style. We may also hope some become envious & jealous of us. We may make half-hearted promises to give ourselves some slack. Letting go, relaxing into things, being kind to ourself, may be a challenge for us. Our search for perfection may point towards a longing or yearning for something, which we can't quite put our finger on. Wanting to overcome perfectionism, we may now be seeking perfectionism help.
Meaningful things are rarely perfect.
Perfectionism - Our Personal Standards Setting high standards (including our purpose, beliefs, values & ideas) may be important for us, yet when these standards always have to be the very best, it can be hard & tiring to let ourselves - this super-achiever part of us (or inflated sense of self), off the hook, that everything doesn't always have to be perfect. For some we may strive to do things above the standard criteria - putting in considerably more effort into our tasks than is rationally justified to meet requirements. And some of us may want to impress others, make others satisfied. We may end up struggling with our time & resources, believing that if we can't do things perfectly, we can't do them at all. Our perfectionism may also have a downside that we may procrastinate. Some of us may be stuck in our head, struggling to allow our feelings to flaw. Being good enough may not be not enough. Compromising other areas of our life, we may have forsaken what is intrinsically satisfying in our heart & soul, what uplifts us, is pleasurable, enjoyable or fun, giving us peace of mind.
Our Inner Perfectionist World Sometimes, caught in our need for things to be perfect, it can seem as if something inside us is controlling our life and it's not quite us. Associated with the depths of our unconscious, what we are searching for - perfection - may be linked to our past or deep connection with others in the wider world. In an imperfect world we may struggle with things being messy, not always right, the way they "should", "ought", "must", "always" be and have a sense of impending doom. We may become easily self-critical or critical of others. Thinking in absolutes, things may have to be totally perfect, otherwise they won't do, we expect the best, nothing less and we can easily get disappointed or devastated, become isolated or get depressed. We may have become rigid, shut things down, block things out and lonely inside. "I don't need anyone else" may be our mantra. We may have irrational beliefs or a fantasy that things, we or others should be perfect, yet the world lets us down, where nothing & no one is good enough. Our need for things or us to be perfect, or for a perfect world - to have it all, may also reflect a deeper search or longing. This yearning may point to a search for something so ideal, perfect, yet not humanly possible. This can be explored in psychotherapy alongside how it affects relating with others. We may be intolerant of weaknesses in others, and indeed ourselves. We may therefore believe that we should have no faults, yet we are good at finding faults in others, as if we are entitled to do so. This can after a while become alienating. Some of these experiences now may date back to earlier wounds. Our perfectionism may have certain addictive qualities. We can prioritise things, always having to be perfect above other human values. We may want to stop, say "No" to this pull for everything around us to be perfect, yet struggle to do so. Endlessly striving, our tireless search for perfection, or the perfect person (forever comparing our partner unfavourably with others), can render us being inwardly unhappy, often pressurised or anxious. We may keep obsessively checking things, and get exhausted in the process. Always keeping busy may be important to us. Our perfectionism may also be closely linked to not feeling good enough, our self-esteem and our perfectionism may be fuelled by our self-criticism & "inner tyrant" driving us. We may want to impress others or have become dependent on seeking the approval, validation, recognition or affirmation from others. As parents we may try to be perfect to our children, yet in our humanness inevitably fall short of this. Contentment for us and others around us may be in short supply. Instead of trying to do everything perfectly, we may want to consider doing our best and may want to utilise the perfectionism counselling or therapy for perfectionism to be less in the grip of perfection including the role of disidentification.
Forget your perfect offeringLeonard Cohen
There is a crack, a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in.
Perfectionism In Relationships Some of us seek a perfect relationship, but never quite find it, as if we are searching for an ideal love, and longed for connection with someone, impossible for a human being to offer. Struggling to manage our disappointment, we may end up blaming, criticising them for letting us down. Therapy for perfectionism in our relationship can also be offered and at the same time our feelings & thoughts about unconditional love may be explored.
At its root, perfectionism isn't really about a deep love of being meticulous. It’s about fear. Fear of making a mistake. Fear of disappointing others. Fear of failure. Fear of success.Michael Law
Overcoming Perfectionism Or Dealing With Perfectionism Perfectionism therapy or counselling can help us be less burdened by our needs & idea of perfection and counter-productive beliefs (e.g. we are or must be an impostor if imperfect), by being in touch with our own nature & realistic limitations (maybe our own fear or inadequacies), our shadow and learn not to be such a perfectionist or get carried away with our "all or nothing" thinking, so our perfectionism problem no longer defines us. Dealing with perfectionism, or overcoming perfectionism, may be ambitious for some. Managing perfectionism differently, so we don't have to worry so much, pressurise ourself to be the perfect person, partner, parent, friend, or be so perfect in our work, have the perfect body, may support us, alongside giving ourselves permission to relax, listen to our intuition, reflect, learn what we need to learn, know our purpose. The therapy may also explore our self-acceptance of our imperfections (and accepting imperfections of others), alongside our attitude to progress rather than perfection, our need of always having to be in control, planning, rehearsing. The counselling for perfectionism may also look at its roots e.g. did we decide to be the perfect child and shut down our feelings?
Counselling London Psychotherapy - Perfectionism, Perfectionist, Perfectionists, Perfectionism Problem, Dealing With Perfectionism
Being Over-Demanding Of Ourselves
A first-rate soup is more creative than a second-rate painting.Abraham Maslow
Being Overdemanding Our inner perfectionist or inner critic may be running our lives in other ways. Some of us may be over-demanding, pushing or punishing ourself harder than we need to, never satisfied with our achievements, because we should always do better or more. Meticulously striving, we can be our own slave driver, a harsh taskmaster, especially if we are a high performer or high achiever. Trying very hard, we can wonder "for what?", which for some can lead to existential questions. And when we stop trying, we become closer to who we are. Our well intentioned goals, can end up being selfimposed, punishing, unachievable demands to be reached at all costs. Striving & driven we can overlook the driver - our very self & others we care about. We may also overlook connecting to the purpose of what drives us & intended destination. Some of us can put all our energies into our work (see Work-Life Balance, Workaholism, Addicted To Work, Work Addiction). Pressurising ourself, trying to impress, we can be so goal oriented, that our emotions, the full richness of our humanity and quality of our relationships with others can be ignored. Those of us who are over-demanding & pushing of ourselves also tend to be of others. Woe betide other people's shortcomings - or even our own(see also Being Overdemanding Of Our Partner). Martyr-like we may have been taught that suffering is a virtue and that joy is wrong or selfish. Our heart may have become closed. We may need to know our limitations, improving them if that is our desire with a light touch. Perfectionism counselling and therapy can help us explore those forces inside of us, that we must over-achieve or achieve at all costs and look at other possible alternatives.
Counselling Central London Psychotherapy - Competitiveness - Counsellor London Camden Psychotherapist
Being Competitive Competitiveness has many pluses. Competing with others & ourself and our own potential, whether through daily routines, work, exercise, can help challenge us to improve our previous efforts, build upon our capabilities, harness our personal strengths. Our competitiveness can be a driving force, fostering innovation & creativity. Being competitive can push us, keep us on out toes, making us strive further and achieve things. It can support our momentum. Our competitiveness can help us rise to the challenge & grow (whether or not we get what we want or "win") and learn. Being competitive can be fun & uplifting, especially when we win. Competitiveness can build comradeship. However, as part of our protective patterns, over-defensiveness, fear or our need to believe we are superior to others (yet maybe feeling inferior inside), forever comparing ourselves to others, may sometimes drive our competitiveness as may a need to impress, be right. Lack of achievement or fear of not being good enough may also drive our competitiveness, so if we don't get what we want or unfavourably compare who we are with others, we can criticise us or others. Some of us may have become scathed by the level of comparison & competition we experienced when younger, which drives us now. Envy may also creep in and be our driver to compete more & more. We may be unnecessarily competitive, that we find it hard to co-operate with others, which causes tensions & affects our relationships (see also Competitiveness In The Relationship Or Marriage). We may know no other way than being competitive so winning, scoring points over others is our "be all" & "end all". We may have a competitive style of relating, especially in conflict. Yet there may be a cost to our competitiveness: our competitive attitude may put distance between us & others, our humanness may take second stage to winning. Disappointment may set in if we don't win, get what we want. Having power over others at all costs may have become part of our makeup. If we don't win, we may become depressed, angry or controlling, where collaboration can be rewarding at times, otherwise we may end up becoming lonely inside and we can become more limited with our creativity (see also In Tune With Us & The Wider World, Our Interdependence, Interconnectedness). When competitive, our empathy may be in short supply. (See also Ownership, Guardianship, Trusteeship)
Counselling Central London Psychotherapy - Make Mistakes, Making Mistakes, Fear Of Making Mistakes
Fear Of Failure & Fear Of Making Mistakes
Experience teaches slowly and at the cost of mistakes.James A. Froude
Fearing Failure None of us want to fail and fear of failure (or success) is frequently connected to our wounded, fearful self. Though when we first learnt to walk, we fell and didn't take fall as a failure, and we can be hard on ourselves now, over-reacting to so called failure, getting frustrated, disappointed. Hand on heart we've all had moments of fearing failure, which can be compounded by some pre-existing beliefs. Some of us may have inherited behaviour, which may tend to reinforce we will fail (or sabotage things). So afraid of failure, we may not bother to try in the first place, make an effort. Remaining in our fear of failure can erode our esteem, confidence, make us impatient, hesitate, avoid taking up opportunities, taking risks, remaining in our comfort zone. Yet the longer we hesitate, avoid doing things, the more our fear can increase. Our failures, mistakes teach us resiliance (there is a quote from Goldie, "I've learnt so much form my mistakes... I'm thinking of making a few more"). Our challenges may include:
- Stepping through our ego, allowing ourselves to fail
- Being willing to make mistakes
- Learning what we need to learn (often including discovering more about ourself - our strengths & weaknesses, appreciating small victories, accomplishments, correcting any mistakes)
- Check what isn't working, re-evaluating our strategy, persisting, gaining renewed resilience & courage - trying again
- Understanding the nature of fear, recognising, acknowledging our own & reducing, overcoming or transforming our fear, by taking action, going with the winds of change whether we succeed or not
- Letting go of our attachment to an outcome at times (and no longer basing our sense of worth on this), as we allow the process to unfold, so failure becomes less of a concept of being attached to outcomes & success becomes more aligned to effort & process (see also Measures Of Success)
What we learn from our failures dwarfs that of our successes.
Learning From Our Mistakes Being human, we are all prone to making mistakes ("To err is human, to forgive is divine" - Alexander Pope). And for some fear of making mistakes can stop us starting things in the first place, seeing things through. Everybody makes mistakes and mistakes have the potential to bring us closer to the truth and help us discover through understanding & clarity, what we didn't know before, what we may need to do differently. Mistakes in some ways inform us of our consciousness and learning from them until something sticks may be important. Yet fear of making mistakes, getting things wrong, failure or not knowing can inhibit us. We can harshly give ourself a hard time when we make mistakes, try to be perfect, or expect others to be. When mistakes are made, it doesn't mean we have to lose trusting others or our partner. Acknowledging our flaws, shortcomings and accepting the consequences, may challenge us. We can be understanding & forgiving of children when they naturally make mistakes, but less so about our fallible selves or others (somehow believing that as adults we shouldn't make mistakes, or be forgiving of us and others). Apologising cleanly may help us. Reminding ourselves that we all make mistakes, being understanding & supportive of ourselves and others may help us. Yet as Sigmund Freud remarks, "From error to error one discovers the entire truth".
Nobody makes a greater mistake than he who does nothing because he could only do a little.Edmund Burke
Reactions To Our Mistakes Making mistakes can sometimes erode our passion, be awkward, embarrassing, yet this doesn't have to last long. Taking responsibility for our mistakes, accepting some criticism, may not always be easy. We may react by running away from them, covering them up or denying our mistakes. We can feel demoralised, sad, remorseful, guilty, ashamed, bad or "found out". Disappointment, regret & anger may follow and we can beat ourself up, feel inadequate, become self-critical, blame or judge ourselves harshly. We can lose our integrity. Being kind, open-hearted to any harm we caused to us or others, saying sorry can be a struggle. Facing our mistakes - being sincere in seeking ways to correct our mistakes, acknowledging & accepting we've done something wrong, offering helpful ways forward, taking responsibility for our future actions may help us. A challenge here can be to be accepting, compassionately take responsibility for ourselves, learn & grow from the experience, so mistakes become opportunities for learning, creativity, to be emotionally freer as we trust, respect us & others. Forgiveness, valuing our self-worth (so we don't see failure as defining us), may also be important, as may taking time to reflect, gaining insights, so we can make better choices now. Making us wiser, stronger, the experience of mistakes can frequently offer us something good, offering us something to learn. Being resilient, assuring ourself, confiding in others we trust may help release some of our discomfort, frustrations. Letting go of what we need to may support us, alongside exploring the sources of our determination to fail, succeed...
Mistakes are the portals of discovery.James Joyce
Fear Of Success It can be familiar to us to fear failure, yet like the flipside of a coin, in these apparent opposites we may also fear succeeding. Exploring our humility and how we measure success and what it means for us may also be something we want to examine. Some of us may fear success so much that we may sabotage things. Counselling & psychotherapy can discuss these apparent contradictions with you alongside the role of our courage and as George Tilton says: "Success is never final and failure never fatal. It's courage that counts."
It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all - in which case, you fail by default.J.K.Rowling
Counselling Central London Psychotherapy - Counsellor London Camden Psychotherapist
Getting It Right, Needing To Be Right
You will face many defeats in your life, but never let yourself be defeated.Maya Angelou
Always Having To Get Things Right We can spend much of our time driven (including being work driven), striving to get or make everything right, or understand everything. Sometimes this can be connected to it being so important what others think about us, as if somehow we are not good enough and we can give ourself away in the process. Giving us some time off, getting off this hook or letting go of this need can be releasing as we allow for not knowing things.
Needing To Be Right In relationships, for some of us the need to be right and win may be more important than to be loving.
Oh, spare your heart, everything put together sooner or later falls apart.Paul Simon
Counselling London Psychotherapy - Uncertainty, Uncertainty Problem, Not Knowing, Ambivalence, Ambivalent
Tomorrow is not guaranteed.
Living With Uncertainty Nothing is certain. Unpredictability, randomness, fortune, impermanence and uncertainty are simply a part of life, and in touch with our vulnerability, we can allow these experiences to make us feel uneasy, insecure inside, experiencing stress, fear and anxiety in us. No matter how much we plan, we can't totally prepare for every eventuality (know higher states of consciousness). Being adaptable, flexible at times, utilising our healthy doubts, can support us. Clinging on to all or nothing thinking may be a way we cope to avoid living with uncertainty. Not everything can be measured, easily reduced to certainty. Things aren't always predictable or secure. We may experience contradictory, ambivalent feelings. We are constantly in flux, and remaining as open as possible to our experiences can paradoxically take us to not knowing what we thought we knew as our own experience of truth can evolve. Nothing is permanent. This in itself can bring up apprehension & existential anxiety or concerns (where what we thought was certain is no longer), and reflection of our mortality such as "How will I die and what happens after death?", "How should I live?" or "Why am I here?" As Sartre says "Everything has been figured out, except how to live" (see also Existential Despair, Existential Depression). In an uncertain, unpredictable world, some of us can struggle with uncertainties, conflicts, contradictions, life's mess, mysteries. Uncomfortable inside, some of us can't bear uncertainty & struggle to allow that some things can't be understood. Knowing there is no certainty, we may find it hard to to live with uncertainty. We can be afraid of uncertainty affecting our procrastination, yet uncertainty can also be a springboard for us, when we allow things to unfold. Our greatest opportunities may arrive through uncertainty, so as we don't stagnate, but change, yet we may struggle with change, transience, transitions and transformations in our life and staying present in the moment. We can also utilise our uncertainty to be creative, more imaginative. Being safe enough, comfortable, living without exactly knowing where we are heading, looking forward to how our life unfolds - being curious and confident in this place may support us. We can also be moved to thinking deeply about ourself, others & the wider world - what our true values & principles are, why we are here & what we really want to do with our life. Counselling & psychotherapy can allow for any unwanted feelings that come up about uncertainties (including meaninglessness, the nature of our free will and relationship to fatalism, determinism, karma, nature and nurture, destiny, reflecting upon our own mortality, fear of death), so they can be expressed & managed, and also explores what else may be arising in us, including issues of control, meaning, responsibility, what happens to us when we free ourself, let go of what we need to, be flexible, surrender our own helplessness, vulnerability in certain situations, adapt to the shifting sands of life, step outside of our familiar comfort zone, feel alone, uncertain that our future can't be predicted. We may want to feel secure, grounded, trust life with whatever it brings, the unknown.
Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd.Voltaire
Central London Counselling Psychotherapy - Not Knowing, Uncertainty, Uncertainty Problem, Ambivalence, Ambivalent
Tolerating Not Knowing - Our Need To Be In Control
There are more questions than answers, and the more I find out the less I know.Johnny Nash
Control - Trying To Control Others, Situations, Circumstances, Outcomes There is little in our life we have complete control over - other people, external events, even our expectations. Anxious about not knowing outcomes, we have all tried to control others at times, and judging this may not help us learn. Setting personal boundaries with others may be important. Yet we can expand so much energy worrying about all sorts of things we can't control, trying to control circumstances, people. In our attempt to control others we may never let others win an argument, nor apologise or withhold, withdraw, disengage. Avoiding our helplessness (of outcomes, trying to change others, e.g. our partner, etc.), we may adopt a range of controlling or manipulative behaviours. This may also include trying to control our partner in our relationship as a means of avoiding intimacy or commitment. We may find out that our controlling behaviour doesn't change others, outcomes or circumstances, yet superficially protects us from intolerable helplessness, which we are afraid to feel. We may struggle in coming to terms with the few guarantees there are in life, which may bring us up against existential concerns. Letting go of the illusion of trying to control others, outcomes, focusing on what we can control - us (and whether or not to learn to manage life's core, painful feelings), can empower us, make things easier. Our need to control may be linked to many factors, including feeling controlled when younger, so we had to give ourselves up and we may continue to fear this now. We may fear no one will want us, reject or abandon us. Alongside our perfectionism, we may be overly rigid in our thinking, behaviour, struggle to take risks, relate well or emotionally express ourselves, maybe feel a little socially isolated or suffer from bouts of depression.
In an infinite universe we know precisely nothing.Douglas Adams
Our Need To Control - What We May Tell Ourselves We may need to feel safe, trying to do this through control. In our intention to control, we may worry to stop bad things happening, imagine catastrophes or tell ourselves: "If we do this, then that will happen", "If I say this, the other person will react in a certain way". If only we say or do things right, achieve things, be the boss, earn enough money, be understood, get angry, upset, disappointed, blame, pray or meditate, say affirmations, giving us an external sense of worth, then we may believe we can control outcomes and how others feel about us. If only others could see things the way we see them, think & believe how we think, may also be an attempt to control them (see also Wanting To Change Others, Our Partner). By attempting to control others, outcomes & circumstances, we may have ignored our internal sense of safety through our need for external safety. It may be challenging for us to let go of forcing outcomes and what we can't control, dropping our resistances & struggles, yet at the same time know our destination, making things happen to get there, listening & learning, utilising our imagination along the way. We may be telling ourselves that it's weak not to know things or that we always have to do things, yet ignore our state of being. (See also What We Tell Ourselves - Internal Dialogue)
I believe in intuition and inspiration. Imagination is more important than knowledge.Albert Einstein
Wanting All The Answers We may hold on rigidly to needing to know everything. Often the more we seek answers to life's questions, the further away we get from us & the answers. Asking "Why?" and being curious can be valuable, so we gain valuable knowledge, understand things and are able to reflect, yet may also drain our energy and resilience, discourage us from being in the moment, being OK without having everything figured out, that when we are ready, answers will be found. Sometimes putting aside what we know, being open to the vastness of consciousenss, accepting what we are yet to know is greater than what we do can open up the door to our creativity, give us different perspectives.
No one knows everything.Bangambiki Habyarimana
Living With What's Unknown Some of us can be stuck in our heads, forever trying to work things out, need explanations, intellectualising everything, analysing things. We may not allow the healthy side of doubt to exist. We may compartmentalise or label things, keeping us safe, staving off our anxiety. Also, we may be out of touch with our emotions. We may seek certainty in a future which is unknown, including whether things in our relationship will work out. We may want to control the future by trying to work out all possible scenarios, which stops us experiencing the moment, valuing our subjective experience. In an incomprehensible world, we may desire absolutes - what's right or wrong by developing "all or nothing" thinking or struggle with double-binds, paradox. Impermanence, how and when we die, and then what happens, may also be an underlying concern. Although questioning in life is important, we can be overly dependent on knowing & categorising everything to make us externally safe. We can take comfort in familiarity, finding it hard to let in anything new, listen to our intuition. Holding our expectations lightly, not to have any at times, may be challenging. Nature teaches us much about suffering, complexity and simplicity, chaos & uncertainty, and some of us want to deny this natural process. Bearing the unpredictable, process of chaos at times can enable order to follow. How we create, or respond to, turmoil or chaos in our life now may also point to our experience of turmoil & chaos when younger. We may believe that chaotic moments should be avoided at all costs and the process of therapy can explore this further with you alongside what it's like to let go of the need to know everything, be open and relaxed with uncertainty, paradox, ambiguity.
Not everything that counts can be measured. Not everything that can be measured counts.Albert Einstein
Our Response To The Unknowable For many of us it can be counter-intuitive to be comfortable with not knowing things. We may believe it is shameful not to know things, or that if we ask, we are weak. Telling ourselves we always must know things can put us on an uncomfortable hook. We may want to believe we should know the right & only answers for everything, that nothing should be ambiguous or a mystery. This same mystery may also be connected to the mystery of love or our sexual desire. As an American politician struggled to articulate that not all things can be known. "There are known knowns; there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns." We may struggle with what is unresolved, irresolvable, insoluble & the ever-changing ethical & emotional dilemmas we face. Impatient, insecure inside, we may want to be more relaxed, permitting ourselves not to know or control everything. Not being in control can bring up a lot in us. We may continuously keep busy & find silence difficult. Holding on to things we no longer need to, we may struggle to let go. Allowing ourselves to be lost, trusting it's OK that we don't know, we may want to place trust in us, trusting our feelings, senses, listen to our inner voice. Psychotherapy can provide the space to manage our confusions, frustrations & anxiety, explore what it would mean to give up our need to control, be open to learning. This may help us tolerate, bear the unknown, unknowable & the unexpected, suffering. And we may want to journey into some of these unknown territories, sit with things, see what else emerges. These areas too can be explored in counselling alongside exploring what is in our control - our attitude and actions. We also have an unconscious. Utilising our imagination & enjoying our curiosity (like the wondering or curiosity we had as a child, when it didn't matter) we may want to discover more about us, including what's been hidden, dormant aspects of our imagination, our values & the world, our own truth & knowledge.
Believe those who are seeking the truth; doubt those who find it.Andre Gide
Mystery, Not Knowing & Being In Control The need to have 100% security, be in full control & know everything may be a factor for some, affecting our decision making, choices. We may try to rule out surprises, spontaneity. Life and our future isn't predictable or always knowable. It is also full of the unfamiliar, unexpected & uncontrollable. Little is guaranteed in life and the inevitability of change may not sit easy with us. Some of us may need to control things, because inside there is a part of us that feels out of control, doesn't know things, feels helpless, vulnerable, which we may struggle to bear, yet not knowing can be a place of intimacy. Finding it hard to integrate the mystery of life, we may fear chaos, things falling apart. Frustrated inside, we may struggle to accept the things we cannot control, which are out of our hands, yet remain powerful inside. Being powerless over other people & events, can be challenging for some, especially if we struggle with codependency. Trusting mystery and the unknown, sitting with not knowing, remaining in control, supported by our willpower & resolve and being in the moment, may be important. Some of these struggles may bring us up against our existential concerns.
The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious.Albert Einstein
Being Safe Enough Letting go of what we've known for so long, our beliefs or need to control everything (and surrendering the illusion of control), allowing in what we don't know, being safe enough in uncertainty, compassionate to us & others, may be our biggest challenge, alongside what keeps us safe externally & internally. In the counselling & psychotherapy we may also want to address what's in our control and what isn't, our personal boundaries, being anchored in our own ground, integrating our feelings, moving our intent from what's controlling to what's loving. Being willing to give up control by having to know & do everything may be challenging as may allowing for spontaneity, surprises. In our need to control things, a part of us may be disorganised, out of control, which we may find hard to acknowledge, and this too can be explored in counselling & psychotherapy. Some of us may be so used to living in our concrete, literal world, that our imaginary world gets sacrificed. (See also The Realm of the Unconscious)
One doesn't discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore for a very long time.Andre Gide
Central London Counselling Psychotherapy - In My Control, Uncertainty, Not Knowing,
What's In Our Control
Exploring What's In Our Control Rather than getting stressed over things we can't control, we may want to utilise the counselling to focus on what it is we do have control over in our life, what we can change, including our intentions, actions, opinions alongside aspects of our personal qualities, inherent nature, innateness.
Central London Counselling Psychotherapy - Ambivalence, Ambivalent, Uncertainty, Uncertainty Problem, Not Knowing,
Holding, Responding To Ambivalence Being definite about things can be helpful at times, yet holding contradictory views, thoughts & feelings - living with ambivalence, life's contradictions, can be a challenge, especially when it can stop us making decisions, moving forward, affecting our relationship. When we are in touch with our contradictions, we may also be freer to be creative. Holding our boundaries can support us with our discomfort, ambivalence & contradictory feelings.
Counselling London Psychotherapy - Overcome Perfectionism, Perfectionism Therapy, Cure Perfectionism, Perfectionism Help
Overview Fear-driven some of us can get anxious if we don't have all the answers or can't always get it right or be perfect. There may be a part of us that is never satisfied. If we can't bear not knowing, have a fear of of making mistakes, become over-demanding or try to be a perfectionist it can be tiring (not just to us) & a lot to Iive up to. We may also expect others to posses our own high standards. Other needs or areas of our life may be neglected. Avoiding difficult feelings, being inconsolable may be at the heart of our behaviour, and some of us may try to fix things, please others or turn to unwanted habits or addictions. Our need to be in control may include the need to control others so we are not rejected by them. Some of us may also have control issues in our relationship or marriage or fear commitment. We may take everything seriously, struggling to loosen & lighten up, or find humour in things - making love more important than control. Letting go, allowing things to dissolve, may support us. The counselling & psychotherapy can help us in these areas.
The ones that don't know, holding the complexities, are the wise leaders of tomorrow.Unknown
Questions About Counselling For Perfectionism & Uncertainty We may be struggling with uncertainty, ambivalence, perfectionism, fear making mistakes and have questions around these, e.g:
- Uncertainty problem - How can I live with uncertainty?
- Ambivalent - how do I respond to my ambivalence?
- Making mistakes - how do I overcome my fear of making mistakes?
- Perfectionism - at times I am a perfectionist - how can I overcome my perfectionism?
- Dealing with perfectionism - I have perfectionism problem and need perfectionism help - what is the perfectionism cure?
- Is perfectionism therapy helpful in overcoming perfectionism?