Counselling & Psychotherapy

Introduction

You may want to work out what's happening in your current relationship, or find your way through a difficult time. You may f e e l torn apart by something. Often two people are at different places in their l i f e journey, and you may tend to look to your partner to resolve your own issues. The therapy can help you with this. Not only do we change, but also our relationships inevitably transform and some of us can f e e l troubled by a relationship problem. Things may have reached an impasse. In other areas of our l i f e we can f e e l competent, yet in our relationship our best & worst aspects can come out. Nurturing, ending or getting over the relationship can be challenging. Some of us may have pre-marital concerns. We may have ambivalent f e e l i n g s, disappointments, doubts about the relationship, contemplating ending it. The person we once idealised, or our dreams for the relationship, may have fallen short. The relationship or marriage may have become stale. Exploration of the patterns or themes in our relationship, and how you relate as a couple may be a need for some, whereas commitment may be an issue for others. The person we love can at times be the person we can't bear being with. Living together and creating quality time presents its own human struggles, "bad patches", challenges & resilience - so does living apart. Some of us may f e e l anxious that our relationship might, or has, broken down. Feeling rejected, hurt or betrayed may play a role. There may be a mismatch between you & your partner about each other’s expectations of the relationship. Usually there are various reasons why relationships get into difficulties, and there is rarely only one answer. If only we could solve our problem with an easy formula. Relationships are both complex & simple in our need to love & be loved. It can seem impossible at times to believe that our relationship difficulties can be overcome. It is important not to give up hope for a fulfilling, healthy & intimate relationship.

What To Expect From Relationship Counselling

Couple's counselling for individuals (not couples) is available for people who want to explore in depth some of the following:

• Where you stand now, your needs & how flexible you are
• Nature of your difficulties in the relationship
• The role you play in any relationship difficulties
• How problems have arisen & what gets in the way of change
• Your hopes, beliefs, attitudes & expectations for the relationship
• Identifying & managing your personal problems
• All aspects of you & your role in the couple
• Your own resources & your resources as a couple
• Your patterns in the dynamics of relationship
• Your role in making the relationship a success
• Your disappointments & moving on from them
• How sabotage happens
• Control issues
• How to be an individual, yet part of the couple
• Your opinions & how you behave
• How you can argue less about who is right or wrong
• How communication happens in the relationship, your communication skills & learning to listen
• How to translate any worries & perceptions for your partner
• Negotiating for good outcomes
• Ways to open up communication & work towards resolution
• How willing you are to engage
• Distinguishing between what you need & what you want
• The role of vulnerability or tenderness
• How powerful f e e l i n g s like hurt, anger & fear play out
• How different men & women are (if applicable)
• How you can change yourself & the relationship
• Any effects of changes in you on your partner
• The future potential of your relationship
• Any unhealthy diversions, impulses, compulsions & addictions
• Any underlying difficulties & your early experiences
• Considerations of ending the relationship & exploring other options

If you have decided to end your relationship, counselling can help with:

• The consequences of ending your relationship
• Going through the painful process of overcoming emotional difficulties
• Making sense of changes & losses
• Starting anew, developing confidence to rebuild your l i f e

What NOT To Expect From Relationship Counselling

Relationship counselling does NOT offer advice on:

• Whether the relationship should end or not
• Damaging criticism of your opinions & actions
• If you should have a "trial separation"
• The "rights" and "wrongs" of your partner
• Changing your partner

Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk. Dalai Lama

Pre-Marital Counselling

Some of us can f e e l understandably nervous, or have concerns about getting married, and may want to use the marriage counselling as a soundboard to discuss & explore these in more detail.

Fear Of Relationships

Many of us are scared of love - that we will not find it, that it will not last, believing that it doesn't exist, fearing our heart will break. Scared of taking our chance & putting o u r s e l v e s out in the world we avoid risk or taking a leap of faith. We may fear losing o u r s e l v e s or finding out who we truly are. We may worry that we or our potential partner will fail our expectations, or even hesitate when things are going really well. We may fear commitment).

Grief or "unfinished business" may affect our ability to be open in a current or new relationship (see also Our Wounded S e l f). This can take time. Yet we can also spend years doubting, questioning, analysing past, current & future relationships & break-ups. Fearing rejection, a challenge for some may be how to stop being afraid & take a chance in love, find the courage to face fears & reduce any walls of s e l f protection, and let people in, rather than push them away. Intimacy avoidance & trust may play a role. We may also experience difficulties connecting with others which can be explored in counselling (for details see Our Sensitivities - Pushing Each Other's Buttons).

Elusive Love?

Some may mistake infatuation for love, and when this dies down or the romance is absent we may believe the love we had has been lost, when the ordinariness of living, or f e e l i n g s of boredom arise.

We can be forever searching for our soulmate or dream of our perfect partner. A challenge for some may be to become a soulmate to o u r s e l v e s, accepting our own imperfections. Some of us believe that love only exist outside of us – as we become dependent on someone else responsible to meet our love needs. What we want to get from others may exceed what we contribute. In our pursuit for love, some of us can f e e l overly needy or desperate. Others can f e e l guarded, and these responses can have a repelling effect on others - fear of intimacy, or being hurt can hold us back. Beliefs, dating back from childhood, in how we should act in order to be loved may no longer work. Counselling & psychotherapy can help explore these real human dilemmas.

Being Together

Sharing our l i f e with someone is one of the greatest trials we face. We all f e e l anxious when we're having problems in our relationships. To love, be loved & have a happy l i f e together is a challenge to us all. For various reasons some of us experience struggles in our relationships. We can f e e l in control (see Our Sensitivities - Pushing Each Other's Buttons) in some aspects of our relationship yet not in others. Our level of involvement in our relationship, and how we are involved, can present real challenges. It is never too late to address these issues, before, during or after any crisis. Companionship, maturity & respect, willingness to invest energy into stretching o u r s e l v e s, and the relationship, to its fullest potential, are important.

The Challenges Ahead

Some people view their live & relationships like a journey. We may have to face painful challenges on the way to making the relationship work better & thrive. Obtaining help, further information & awareness about relationships early on & not just at crisis point, can for some save their relationships from enduring the pain of splitting up. We can f e e l heart-broken in the relationship or after its ending. The dilemma of "should I stay in the relationship or end it" can be very real sometimes. "Getting by" & "making do" in the relationship, may no longer be enough. How, and whether, to revive it may be a challenge.

Relationship Transformation

Relationships evolve & have many phases, with sometimes difficult transitions. They ebb & flow in terms of f e e l i n g s, interests & sense of ease. The relationship can f e e l close & intimate in some moments, yet distant & separate in others. None of us are immune from the effects. The need to transform the relationship can bring its own dilemmas, which can call on us, or force us, to emotionally & sexually mature. The initial "magic" may have worn off and qualities, which were once endearing, may become annoying. It can be a challenge for some to weather the necessary adversities, disillusionment & acceptance for our partner, for who they are and how they've changed and indeed how we've changed. We can turn to our partner in the hope that they will fulfil all our needs.

As we change, or our partner changes, so too does the relationship. These transformations within us, our partner, and the relationship, are not always synchronised or harmonious. Our moods, availability, preferences, values, interests can now seem out of synchronisation. For some this might mean the beginning of the end of the relationship, yet for others this realisation can be an opportunity & challenge to adapt to a new & different phase of the relationship. Passion, arousal & enlivening sex may be a concern, where the spark may have disappeared from the sexual relationship. Desire & search for a deeper soul connection may be important. Joy, laughter, humour & fun may be absent. We may have chosen safety in our relationship, which may no longer be enough. The relationship may have changed to that of friendship only or like a parent/child or brother/sister. A challenge for some may be how to invigorate, enrich, nurture or accept their relationship.

Attitudes

The attitudes we hold can be the "making or breaking" of the relationship or marriage, and these can be explored in the counselling.

Commitment

Some may want to look at how it is they prefer security to risking love. Therefore seeking the courage to love and trust may be a concern. When we are in the relationship we can never be satisfied, continuously yearning for new relationships or wanting to be single again, yet when single, wishing we are in a relationship, yet never quite finding the right partner, having difficulties committing. Others may be in a continuous series of relationships, yet want something different after a while. The transition from boyfriend/girlfriend to husband/wife, or civil partnership, can present its own dilemmas. Some of us can push or drive our partner away, so they can reject us. We may experience a series of superficial relationships, "hooked on" the need to fill a sense of emptiness or void in us. Some of us may f e e l addicted to this pattern of behaviour, and we may struggle to experience our partner as more than an object to meet our desire for love.

Being Autonomous Yet Part Of A Couple

In relationships we will encounter dependence & independence issues, like needing to f e e l separate & autonomous, yet needing to share & belong as a couple and f e e l like a team. We may experience issues of abandonment, rejection, control, engulfment, intensity, invasion, suffocation or claustrophobia, sucked into something - what's my space, your space & our space. Some of us may thrive on being together as a couple, and others may be sensitive to a lot of togetherness. It can be too much for us, causing us to flee, as if we have absorbed our partner's energy, f e e l overloaded, tired or anxious. For some of us who are sensitive it can f e e l as if our own space has been invaded. We may have a different pace or need for space to that of our partner. Expectations may be different. and we may want to be clear about defining our own space needs. All of us have an optimal space preference, which fluctuates. Identifying and communicating this with our partner can support us, so we f e e l less squashed or suffocated, and intimacy flourishes. We may also want be able to be able to risk our vulnerability, yet f e e l empowered, free from f e e l i n g like a victim or martyr. It may be difficult to appreciate what you have in common, as well as your differences. Believing that our partner completes us, as if they are our "other half", can lead to merging difficulties, as we struggle with our personal boundaries - what's mine, theirs & ours. Challenges may include how to be in a loving, intimate, fulfilling relationship without denying our needs, being either too remote or overly needy - demanding of others' attention & time ("clingy"), or how to give of o u r s e l v e s, yet remain empowered. (See also Love Addiction, Emotional Dependency, Fear Of Rejection & Caretaking - Co-dependency below)

Love Addiction

Some of us may be hooked on the infatuation phase of romantic love, longing for someone, who we can never entirely have, and mistake this for real love. The arousal, game playing & drama (e.g. exhilarating highs, despondent lows, the pursuing, and being pursued) of this intense stage can be intoxifying, turn our stomach over, distort our thinking & behaviour. If we are stuck at this adoration stage, and can't move on, it is often deeply unsatisfying. Some of us prefer obsessive love, rather than risking real, long term love, and authentic intimacy. They may f e e l that once the infatuation stage diminishes, the love is lost, believing that love is exclusively a f e e l i n g, and not also a choice & decision. Some of us may struggle to see our idealised partner (the object of our dreams) as an imperfect, fallible human being, just as we are. When they are not the person we thought they were, our perfect, safe bubble may burst, and we may struggle to accept our partner exactly as they are. Feeling emotionally dependent, we may fear or believe that the relationship is over, yet it may simply be a grieving for a stage of a relationship. It may have just begun... Counselling & psychotherapy can explore your issues & support you through this difficut process.

Emotional Dependency

Fearing rejection, some of us may struggle with our own inner worth. We can make our partner responsible for filling us up with love or approval we need. Our need for attention may be in order to fill up our emptiness, hoping or believing our partner can do this for us. We may f e e l that we:

• Don't trust our own f e e l i n g s, needing others to validate them
• Are empty inside if we are not in a relationship, or even if we are, when we don't get the attention we need.
• Believe that positive f e e l i n g s only come from someone else loving us
• Believe that our security & safety should come from someone else
• Can't enjoy things or have fun, unless we are with someone who knows how to do this
• Don't get the response we want (to prove they care about us) from our partner or we have to wait too long for it
• Don't f e e l lovable or worthy without our partner's approval
• Need so much attention in order to f e e l we are OK
• Often f e e l jealous
• Take uncaring behaviour towards us personally
• Get angry, when others do what they want to do, instead of what we want them to do
• Are overly needy
• Are continuously preoccupied by what our partner is thinking or doing
• Believing our partner completes our missing half
• Struggle to enjoy our own company
• Get tense or anxious around others
• Blame others for our unwanted or difficult f e e l i n g s

Counselling & psychotherapy can explore with you ways you can be in your own personal power, take responsibility for your own f e e l i n g s (e.g. loneliness, grief, sadness or sorrow, helplessness, heartache or heartbreak), no longer abandoning yourself and f e e l emotionally freer.

Fear Of Rejection, Abandonment

Every human being at some level has had to deal with rejection, both in their early years as a child, and through adulthood in relationships with others. As a child, we may have avoided saying "No", fearing rejection or withdrawal of love. We may have learnt to avoid our hurt or pain - the f e e l i n g of our heart breaking. We continue to experience small & large rejections throughout our l i f e. It can be devastating at times. Some of us can fear rejection so much, that we avoid risking o u r s e l v e s in an intimate relationship for fear of being used or taken advantage of. We may choose to numb our f e e l i n g s, or get angry, as a form of protection, yet we may have abandoned our s e l f. We may even set up relationships, so we get rejected again & again, as if to prove we are "rejectable". Others may choose to totally immerse themeselves in looking after others, setting themselves up as indispensable, in the hope that they are not rejected. Fearing rejection some of us may isolate o u r s e l v e s, others may try to be perfect, agree with everything. We may give o u r s e l v e s up, close down, or do a whole range of other things to avoid rejection.

(S)he whose love has always been reciprocated does not know the real f e e l i n g of love. Inayat Khan

Feeling lonely inside or stuck, some of us may not have made the time to mourn our past hurts, pains, betrayals, or heartache. Our sensitivity to abandonment & rejection may affect our s e l f-worth & contribute to our loneliness, and limit our way of flourishing in the world. Being caring & trusting to o u r s e l v e s & others may be our biggest challenge. Counselling & psychotherapy can help by exploring healthy ways to cope with our fears of rejection, so we don’t act them out on us or our partner. We may also look at ways of not taking rejection so personally, as if there is something wrong with us.

Caretaking - Co-dependency (Co-dependence)

Some of us may expect our partner to "save us", and select someone who takes on this role as a caretaker.

When we take a role of a caretaker, there can initially be a "good fit" between a person who needs to be looked after, and the person who is very willing to do the looking after. We may have learnt to almost totally sacrifice, or ignore most of our own needs. Some of us can become martyrs We can take on the role of trying to save them, which can create enmeshment. If our partner is going through their own difficulties, we may struggle to accept it is the way our partner treats themselves, and their own s e l f-beliefs which cause their pain - not the choices we make. Our challenge may be to care about our partner's needs & f e e l i n g s, yet allow them to take responsibility for their own l i f e without being co-dependent. (For details see Unmet Love Needs)

Viewing our partner as the problem, it can be hard for us to consider that we too may have a difficulty – especially with certain, uncomfortable f e e l i n g s in us. It can be a challenge for us to take responsibility & care for our own joy & pain, be compassionate about our partner's, yet not take personal responsibility for them. Saying no to this cycle of behaviour may also be a challenge.

If we are unable to care for o u r s e l v e s we can become selfishly over-dependent or over-demanding of our partner, to give us the love we don’t give o u r s e l v e s. As we take care & responsibility for our own needs & f e e l i n g s (not making others responsible for giving us love that we deny to o u r s e l v e s), we can f e e l in control rather than trying to control others (see also Our Sensitivities - Pushing Each Other's Buttons). It is a cliché, yet true, that when we are loving to o u r s e l v e s, we are also able to love others.

Having our own healthy boundaries can support us, so we can choose to tolerate what we want to tolerate.

Healthy Boundaries & Resilience In Relationships

Once we f e e l committed in our relationship or marriage, one or both of us may assume we have the right to know all of each other's business, knowing what's best for our partner, or telling them how they should live. Resentment, unhappiness & power struggles often emerge, leading to insecure & shaky foundations for the relationship. Boundaries can enable relationships to be built on firm foundations, so each partner is aware of the necessary lines to be drawn and how far we are allowed to go.

Setting our boundaries can be a challenge. Some people can view them as restrictive, with negative connotations. They define us & our difference, and can vary in different situations. For example if we have a need for both space, closeness & intimacy in our relationship, it may need us to assert our personal space needs – the time & physical limits we set with our partner, so we f e e l comfortable & freer emotionally. Once we set our boundaries, we may find it easier to negotiate our preferences with our partner, so intimacy becomes possible, conveying our message without attacking, blaming, being clear that it isn't about not caring for them, but is about how we best thrive & f e e l at ease. Conversely, we may be so intent at keeping our partner at arm's length, that the relationship lacks intimacy. This too can be a challenge for some.

Our boundaries enable us to take personal responsibility for our thinking, f e e l i n g & actions. Without healthy boundaries, and f e e l i n g resilient inside, we can look to our partner to meet all our needs, and make them responsible for our problems, or we may try to fit in with our partner's needs overlooking our own. Our boundaries are our own sanctity defining who we are - our separateness within the relationship. They allow us to be o u r s e l v e s, experiencing a sense of security & solidity. "I am I & you are you, and I am in relationship with you". They protect & guide us, enabling us to f e e l safe, e.g. by sometimes saying "No" to o u r s e l v e s or others & following our inner voice. Yet, when we need nurturing or love, we may need to let our boundaries down. Receiving, giving & intimacy may be a challenge for some, as may opening & closing be an issue for others. We may have healthy boundaries, which are firm & flexible. However, some of us may struggle in setting reasonable limits - boundaries, in our relationship with our partner, and indeed with o u r s e l v e s. Instead of healthy boundaries, we can often put up walls of s e l f-protection. However, what protects us, may not always help. These walls can be constructed through our anger & fear (e.g. commenting "if you say that, I will explode"). We can also build our walls by passively disappearing into the background, preferring to observe rather than interact, withdrawing from conversations ("walls of silence" or "stonewalling" – see also Giving Or Receiving "The Silent Treatment"), or using continuous talking ("wall of words"). It can be difficult as adults to set healthy boundaries & develop healthy relationships if boundaries were inconsistent when we were growing up.

Unmet Love Needs

Learning how to love may be a challenge for some. A challenge may also be about having the courage to express or receive love without losing our strengths, our individuality & difference or f e e l i n g disempowered.

When the love we need appears to desert us, we can f e e l abandoned, rejected, out of control & separate (see also Our Sensitivities - Pushing Each Other's Buttons). struggling to find our faith & love for o u r s e l v e s. This can activate our early experiences in l i f e as we struggle to get in touch with our own resources. (For details see Impact Of Our Past)

Struggling to take responsibility for our own needs, we can sometimes f e e l bad about the way we act and f e e l unhappy with o u r s e l v e s as we treat others, and indeed o u r s e l v e s, in hurtful or damaging ways. For some this may be connected to feeling wounded or needy, being initially attracted to someone at a similar level of wounds or needs. Each of us can then get caught in hoping that the other – our partner, fills us up & makes us f e e l good (e.g. take away any f e e l i n g s of emptiness, aloneness, anxiety or insecurity). Yet they never quite can, and we may be caught in a familiar scenario of believing that the grass is greener or moving on to another partner, without exploring that f e e l i n g full & good inside comes from caring for o u r s e l v e s. (See also S e l f-Esteem, Confidence, Criticism & Assertiveness)

We all have a need to be loved, especially as a child. As adults, our l i f e journey may have less emphasis on being loved, and be more about loving & supporting to o u r s e l v e s & others for the highest good. In the counselling & psychotherapy you may want to explore the cycle of giving & receiving love in your relationship.

It is a cliche that if we can't love & trust o u r s e l v e s, we are unable to love & trust others. Yet sometimes we may find it difficult to do so. If we struggle to nurture o u r s e l v e s, we can become demanding & needy of our partner, wanting to control their choices or limit their joy, as if they are responsible for meeting our needs, taking away our unwanted feelings or making us feel better about our own hurt & pain. We can try to make them liable for our unmet needs from our past & our behaviour, as if they are causing our own distress or inner loneliness.

Some of us may want to explore why our sense of happiness is overly dependent on the relationship with our partner. We may struggle to express our needs, get them met or take responsibility for them. Some of us may also want to take the responsibility for our partner's pain & hurt (see Caretaking - Co-dependency).

Others may be searching for a love, that is so great & ideal, but impossible for a human being to give, leading to a suffering of l i f e's limitations. This longing may be connected to yearning for a deeper connection in l i f e & beyond. (See also Expectations & Disappointments)

Trust & Intimacy

Some people may be relatively competent in their social skills, yet have difficulty with intimacy. Successful in other areas, we don't make the time or opportunity to talk to our partners about what is in our heart or let them into our lives. Some of us may have difficulties letting people in, receiving, initiating or giving. It may be difficult for some to own or share their vulnerability, or trust others. Someone close to us can deeply wound us & we may be tempted to avoid pain. Trusting o u r s e l v e s & our partner, without avoiding pain, can promote intimacy. Being close - yet remote, not risking the strength & qualities of our tenderness - may play a role, so too may sexual intimacy & issues of establishing or rebuilding trust.

Intimacy Avoidance

Fearing a successful intimate relationship, or believing we are not worthy of one, we can set up resistances & blocks and struggle to allow others close. We may become hard, aloof, cynical & closed as a way of keeping us safe from being taken advantage of, so we make o u r s e l v e s unaproachable. We may keep busy over-analysing things, mistaking intensity for intimacy, or struggle to fully engage. We may also lead a high energy lifestyle to replace our intimacy needs. We may sabotage, avoid, displace or divert our intimacy needs away from people, onto ideas, work, computer, the television, stimulants, possessions, or safe and familiar yet intimately unfulfilling territory.

In order to avoid intimacy, and keep a safe distance, we may end up:.

• Showing we don’t care abour partner so they can’t hurt us
• Rejecting o u r s e l v e s before our partner rejects us
• Believing we deserve to get what we want without asking for it
• Giving our partner what they want, but leave nothing for us
• Deciding we are no longer needy, now that our partner has needs
• Acting naively - as if don't know things, so we won’t be threatened in order to get our way
• Not wanting to hurt our partner, but believing it’s OK for us to be hurt
• Denying our own hurt, yet believing it’s OK for us to hurt our partner
• Demonstrating “Nothing bothers me”
• Giving up - believing it’s pointless to expect anything form our patner, so we won’t
• Totally surrendering – being what our partner wants us to be, as long as they don’t leave us

The very rejection we fear we may have also created. We may vow to o u r s e l v e s not to be vulnerable, so we can avoid pain or face our fears. In doing so we may f e e l additional pain now for not fully living our lives. Learning to carry & let go of the pain of past hurts, betrayals & rejections, may be a challenge for some (see also Our Wounded S e l f). Having an affectionate, sexual relationship maybe a goal for others. It may not be intimacy itself that is a stumbling block, but a fear that bad things may happen if intimacy becomes real. Psychotherapy & counselling can help explore the nature of our fears, that we may be rejected or abandoned, engulfed or controlled. Concerns about our partner dying can stop us living in the relationship. The therapy may also explore other ways of protecting o u r s e l v e s without keeping our heart closed.

Sexual Relationship

You may want to explore ways of improving your sexual relationship, including how to be more open & honest with your partner about your sexuality. (See also Sexual Difficulties)

Empathy

Counselling can help us explore what's going inside of us, what we imagine is going inside of our partner and if it is possible to stand back & see what might be happening to both of you, as if you were observing the relationship. A challenge may mean being empathic - open to our partner's f e e l i n g s & principles - being caring, respectful, affectionate, forgiving, sacrificing & supporting, understanding, kind, compassionate.

Expectations & Disappointments

We can be busy fantasising how the relationship "should be" without considering what we realistically expect. No woman or man is perfect and it can be impossible for some of us to live up to what we envisage as the perfect relationship, or way of loving. We all fall short of this, and some of us have difficulties accepting our failures & limitations, and therefore our partner's. Our desire to love may exceed our capacity to do so, and we can compensate this by rationalising, blaming o u r s e l v e s or our partner. Our longed for search for the perfect relationship may point to what we idealise or a deeper search for a union, which is not humanly possible. (See also Longing & Yearning)

Neglect

We may not only have neglected our partner, taking them for granted, but also stopped caring for o u r s e l v e s. (See also S e l f-Abandonment)

Living Parallel Lives

Like the polarities of a magnet, what once attracted us, may now repel us. It can seem as if we speak different languages. We may f e e l trapped, disappointed, lost or lonely in our separate roles, as if each of us are living parallel lives, missing intimate human contact. The relationship may have become a little stagnant. Our identities are separate, yet the identity of the relationship may have been lost. Counselling & psychotherapy can explore these issues and how to make the relationship flourish.

Locked Into Positions

One, or both of us, can get locked into fixed positions, which may no longer work. These entrenched positions may have become rigid & inflexible, and can create destructive cycles, so we are at loggerheads with each other, as if in a battle. This can include the way we f e e l, think & believe, behave, and the roles we take in the relationship.

Examples may include:

• Feelings: "You are responsible for the way I f e e l"
• Thoughts & Beliefs: "If only you would...", "I deserve...", "I expect..."
• Behaviours: Controlling, withdrawing, withholding, passivity, retaliating, attacking, blaming, cynicism
• Roles we take or assume : "My role is to... & that's my territory, your role is to... & that's your territory"

Relationship Roles & Patterns

Love may have been usurped by power/control struggles. Emotions may be difficult to verbalise, hear or understand, if we are stuck in an "I'm right, you're wrong" scenario. One or both may play "top dog" or indeed f e e l like the injured party in the relationship. Subtle (or not so subtle) power games or emotional bullying can occur. We can become competitive in unproductive ways by an "I'm-suffering-more-than-you" response. Conflict de-escalation and the ability to step aside & reflect can help.

We may have noticed familiar themes in how previous relationships have been & ended. Counselling & psychotherapy can help explore our patterns, their sources & offer other perspectives.

Our Behaviour

Sometimes we can see o u r s e l v e s doing something, and despite this seem unable to stop o u r s e l v e s (we may even remember our parents responding in similar ways). Some of the ways we behave might not benefit o u r s e l v e s, our partner or the relationship. A cycle of bad words, wounded/wounding looks & negative body language can creep up over time.

Some of our f e e l i n g s can be intolerable and we can sometimes be tempted to act on impulse or act them out - the counselling can help us with this (see also Our Sensitivities - Pushing Each Other's Buttons). We may have lost, or fear losing loved ones because of our behaviour & may be desperate to heal our relationship or marriage.

We can become harsh or angry, blaming or judgmental, stifling, controlling, overbearing, mean, avoidant, unkind or abusive. Some of us can almost see o u r s e l v e s inflicting hurt or damage on our partner, through acrimony & apathy, by withdrawing, withholding, sulking or attacking, lashing out or throwing verbal insults, shutting them out, testing them, yet f e e l unable to stop, as if we act out a role in our play with a script we f e e l powerless to change. The withholding may include not being sexual, because of resentments & grievances towards our partner. Lacking confidence, we may f e e l defensive & want to explore our reactions & behaviour, including how we give & receive, initiate & retreat. Sometimes our behaviour is a bid to end the relationship, struggling to end it properly. Before looking at how we behave in our relationship, counselling & psychotherapy will also explore any unwanted habits or addictions that get in the way of your l i f e and relationship.

Conflict

A dilemma for some may be how to disagree yet find ways to talk together. Where conflict & tensions occur, it can be easy to conclude that "we simply don't get on together" and for some this may be accurate, yet usually there are other considerations to explore, e.g. we can f e e l disillusioned, believing this is all to do with our partner or the relationship. Intolerance may spread through the relationship (see also Our Sensitivities - Pushing Each Other's Buttons). The meaning of what is said can be twisted. Rows can develop. Aspects of o u r s e l v e s we hard find to see, deny, disown or repress, can get projected onto our partner, e.g. our stress, fear, anxiety, anger or unmet love needs, etc. We may want different things from the relationship. Clash of different assumptions, perspectives, unrealistic expectations, needs & values may present problems. Some conflicts seem to go round & round, like a broken record. Arguments over money & children - especially in those early years, can be a real issue. Withdrawing or fighting can replace being honest with each other & intimate. Some of us can regress, like bickering adolescents or children. We can f e e l contempt. It can be frustrating & exhausting explaining, arguing, defending, attacking blaming or threatening, rather than compassionately f e e l our own (or partner's) real heartache. Having the last word and trying to win arguments can for some be more important that wanting to heal the relationship, so it can be loving. Difficulties in the relationship could be seen as a breakdown of boundaries - what's mine, what's your & what's ours. We may f e e l angry with our partner, becasue they are doing what they want to do, instead of what we want them to do. The relationship may be stormy and sometimes creating conflict in the relationship can be an attempt to avoid intimacy. Conflict with our partner can also point to unresolved conflict with o u r s e l v e s, which we can project onto our partner. Some of the conflict with our partner may be related to how we experienced o u r s e l v e s from childhood, our negativity & insecurity, judgements & s e l f-criticism. Counselling can help explore this.

Giving Or Receiving "The Silent Treatment"

One of the harshest punishments in prison is well known to be isolation. And when we isolate our partner, we are usually punishing them, or attempting to control them, which can cause fear or retaliation in them, and the relationship to erode. When we shut down to our partner, refusing to acknowledge their presence & interact with them, we have closed our heart. We can act as though they are invisible, giving them minimal or zero response. Our hope by treating them in this manner is that they get the message, they have displeased us. Because they've done something wrong, they deserve punishment and have our love withheld. Yet it is our approval, which is taken away as a form of control. This may work temporarily, but inwardly our partner can f e e l lonely and heartbroken, becoming angry, and reluctant to manage their own f e e l i n g s, punishing us in return. Their own resistance may cause problems for themselves, their partner, and indeed the relationship (see also Healthy Boundaries & Resilience In Relationships). When we are on the receiving end of punishment by "the silent treatment", we may initially try to please & reconnect. We may blame o u r s e l v e s & f e e l abandoned, allowing "the silent treatment" to control us. When this happens, taking full care & responsibility for ourself & our own f e e l i n g s can be a challenge, which empowers us (see S e l f-Responsibility).

Pushing Each Other's Buttons

We all have emotional sensitivities, especially if we f e e l disconnected, disrespected, controlled or abandoned. (For details see Our Sensitivities - Pushing Each Other's Buttons)

Blame & Criticism

Some of us may critically point out flaws in our partner in the hope that they will change, yet deep down know that we can't change or control someone else. The need to control our partner may point to f e e l i n g out of control in some aspects of our own l i f e. The price to pay may be intimacy. In response our partner may either become more compliant, withdraw & lose their sense of power - or may resist being told what to do & f e e l controlled. Some of us can be caught up in a spiral of blaming & making our partner responsible for feelings & thoughts in us we would rather not have. Our partner may be challenged to speak up for themselves & protect their own space (see also Our Resilience, Hardiness & Protecting Our Personal Boundaries). The psychotherapy can help in exploring what's going on inside us, our inner loneliness, alongside the options for healthily expressing & containing our own f e e l i n g s, and taking care of o u r s e l v e s. (See also Communication)

Apologising

Some of us find it difficult to forgive or say "sorry" and others are always apologising (see also Apologising)

Difference

It can be such a challenge to acknowledge & respect our partner's right & responsibility to f e e l, think & act along with their own their own desires & beliefs, even if we don't agree with them (see Our Sensitivities - Pushing Each Other's Buttons).

Control

We may want to control our partner or indeed f e e l controlled by them and some of this may date back to our history. (See also Unmet Love Needs)

How Confidence Affects Our Relationship

When we f e e l insecure our relationships can present difficulties. If we are f e e l i n g fragile, we may have a strong need for reassurance or fear of criticism. We may need to be rescued. To gain acknowledgement, we may focus conversations on o u r s e l v e s & what we've achieved. We may develop an encyclopaedia of excuses to maintain our morale, and find it difficult accept any blame or negative comment about us or our behaviour. Our "inner chatter" might be: "I don't like myself, so how can anybody else like me?" (For details see S e l f-Esteem, Confidence, Criticism & Assertiveness). The therapy can help explore direct ways of getting our own needs met.

Communication – How You Relate

When couples first meet, eager to learn about each other they can initially talk for hours, sharing & listening to each other. Yet as the relationship evolves, one or both partners may state "we can't communicate" or become uncommunicative. Our need to learn (about o u r s e l v e s & our partner) gets lost. We may begin to make our partner responsible for our f e e l i n g s by trying to control them. What started off as sharing & giving, can get replaced by wanting something from our partner. We can each find controlling ways to get what we want from our partner – affection, acceptance, attention, approval, understanding, sex. Through power struggles a couple may fight tooth & nail, or one party may give in, f e e l i n g resentful or used.

Communication problems can on the surface mean that our partner isn't listening or understanding us from our point of view. Yet underneath we may have an agenda of wanting our partner to understand things our way, or change in ways we want them to. When they don't change, we may blame, criticise, complain or seek sympathy in order to control. If we communicate our f e e l i n g s in ways to make our partner responsible for them, that they need to change in order for us to f e e l OK, they are unlikely to respond positively. It can be a real challenge to learn about o u r s e l v e s & our partner, taking responsibility for our own f e e l i n g s, to love without controlling. Counselling & psychotherapy can support you in discovering your own intentions, so your flow of communication is open. The relationship can be stuck in other ways, as if we are going around in circles, missing each other.

For some this may be connected to avoiding our own difficult feelings, like anxiety, loneliness, emptiness, helplessness or heartache. This is often symptomised by bringing up the same issues over & over again, which can become a heartsink f e e l i n g for either or both partners. There may be patterns of responding in relationships, which are familiar to us but no longer work. Through fear of hurting our partner, or fear of their reaction, we may regularly withhold speaking our truth. In certain ways we may have become secretive. How we express o u r s e l v e s (e.g. our tone, inference) & the language we use have an effect - the impact & power of words, and the intent behind them. Some people use casual insults or sarcasm as a way of relating. We can fail to see our partner as they actually are when we hold on to our defensiveness, resentment, cynicism & spitefulness. We may want to avoid the role we play in an emotionally polluted environment, full of negative thoughts or f e e l i n g s: criticism, contempt, blame & complaints, guilt & shame, hurt & pain, holding grudges, old & current grievances, anger, retaliation, "point scoring", fear or depression. The counselling goal here is not usually about solving the problem, but rather about moving from gridlock to dialogue and open communication with respect. We may have forgotten to validate our partner's worth. The counselling may also consider the challenges of really communicating how we express our needs & dreams, and what happens to our desire to resolve issues. In the counselling & psychotherapy you may also want to explore how you do & don’t express your love for your partner.

Being Heard

Some of us may f e e l unheard in the relationship. Some of us can be waiting or longing to hear some words from our partner. This longing can go back years. The counselling & psychotherapy can explore this with you in depth.

Influence Of Our Past

Any accumulated resentment or f e e l i n g of injustice from the past, obstructs our clear perception in the present. What we fear from our past can be recreated or re-enacted with our partner. What we believe to be a problem in the relationship (e.g. hurt, pain, rejection, fear of engulfment, shame or guilt) may simply be a projection from our unmet childhood needs or difficulties with our parents, onto our partner. This can also include f e e l i n g disconnected, disrespected, controlled or abandoned (see Our Sensitivities - Pushing Each Other’s Buttons). Despite being a mature adult we can at times f e e l or act like a hurt or angry child inside. The unmet childhood needs may render us overly needy or denying our needs. If we rigidly stick to the promises we made to o u r s e l v e s in our past, eg. "I will never...", "I will always..." - they can keep us forever in reaction (re-enaction) and have nothing to do with our current partner. We may for example use others, or allow o u r s e l v e s to be used by them. If we are having communication problems with our partner, it may be useful for some to work with transforming our childhood experiences.

Preoccupation

We may be so preoccupied with past hurts or future scenarios, like being settled or having children, that they overlook nurturing & building the relationship as it currently is.

Affairs, Infidelity

The impact of seeing someone else whilst in a relationship may be an issue. This may have happened following an impulsive opportunity, an unresolved issue with our partner (e.g. hurt or anger), a desire to f e e l sexual or simply be understood, or indeed may be a bid to end the relationship. Unexplored f e e l i n g s (e.g. sense of emptiness, commitment phobia) or beliefs (e.g. what we think we need or deserve) may need clarification. The counselling can help to recover from the effects of an affair.

Responding To Affairs Some may question whether having an affair means the end of the relationship or how future trust can be re-built in the relationship or marriage, following an extramarital affair. There are many further options, like deciding to work on specific areas or changing the relationship structure by making it less prone to affairs.

Effects of Previous & Possible Future Relationships

Getting over previous relationships, so we are open to our current one, can be a stumbling block. Continuously comparing our partner (usually unfavourably) with a previous partner, we may hanker for past lovers. We can project f e e l i n g s from previous relationships onto our current partner. We may have not recovered from our heart being previously broken. "Never again" might be our mantra. We may hanker for new partners, believing that "the grass is always greener on the other side".

Envy & Jealousy

We may be jealous of our partner, or envious of what they have. Jealousy may creep in and be the basis of frequent arguments. Past partners can be bought in to muddy the waters. The therapy may explore ways of reducing jealousy.

Pregnancy, Children & Parenting

The effects of infertility, not having children, pregnancy termination or getting "accidentally" pregnant may be explored in the therapy. Changes in the relationship & adjusting to new roles when having children & being a mother or father - can be a real challenge. The issues of "space", intimacy, sex, our expectations & changing needs may also be a concern.

Being a parent has sometimes been described as an impossible task, because we are only human and can't possibly raise our children without making some mistakes along the way.

You & Your Role

Despite our best efforts we seem to be unable to make our partner change. Whatever we try, proves futile. It is known that if we cannot be happy with o u r s e l v e s, it is unlikely that we will be happy with anyone else. Disharmony with our relationship may indicate that we first need to be in harmony with o u r s e l v e s by developing inner security, resilience, s e l f-responsibility, confidence & acceptance. Both we & our partner may be stuck in a variety of fixed roles, that we take on, which may no longer be helpful (e.g. the pursuer vs. pursued, any many other roles...). We may want to explore the role that we personally play in the relationship, f e e l more s e l f-assured in the relationship as a sexual man or woman.

Our Perception

Some of us may have had the experience of falling out of love, because what we thought we saw has changed. Our f e e l i n g s have changed, despite the fact that the object of what we perceived has not changed. The person who once lit up our l i f e appears to us differently, often smaller. We may wonder how we could ever have loved that person. Our difficulty might not be with our partner, but with how we manage our disappointments & expectations. The therapy can help with exploring our own perception that the world is there, and how we see it is dependent on how we perceive it.

Reinvigorating & Enriching The Relationship

When our relationship is foundering or feels damaged, we can feel frustrated, in despair and our hope can leave us. One or both of us may have already given up on the relationship. Our relationship seems doomed & impossible to change. It can be uncomfortably painful experience. The therapy can help us tolerate these feelings & explore the possibilities of living in a healthy, fulfilling, honest & intimate relationship.

Healing The Relationship

When we feel wounded, so too is the relationship wounded at some level. The therapy may encourage you to step outside of yourself, observing your relationship between you & your partner from a distance. This can enable perspective, insight & relationship nurturing to occur.

Nurturing Or Ending The Relationship

Reconciliation The meaning of the word "reconciliation" is about "coming to terms with". This important process can either happen in the continued relationship or after the separation. An important aspect for some may therefore be about working towards resolution either in the relationship or indeed by ending the relationship. However, any problem in the relationship can mean we convince o u r s e l v e s that it is us, or our relationship, that has failed. We may have lost hope. Yet, some of our problems cannot be resolved through separation. Instead of quitting the relationship, we may want to consider & resolve our own difficulties & create the conditions for it to successfully thrive. A relationship can be seen like a garden that needs tendering to & nurturing.

Separation With the best will in the world, relationships cannot always be saved - nor, in some cases, should they be. Separating from our partners usually carries some acrimony, f e e l i n g s of pain, hurt, anger, denial or trauma or even relief. Healing takes time.

How We Separate We can choose to close this passage of our l i f e in a mature way. There is the potential to manage the parting in hostile or conciliatory ways. Keeping the door open to dialogue may be helpful. People may want to clarify the consequences of an adversarial or conciliatory parting. Negotiating and settling disputes, e.g. child access, financial, housing, legal & court matters, alongside adapting to different living arrangements, can produce their own anxiety, stresses or sense of loneliness. The therapy can be "a container" when emotions run high.

After The Separation During and after the separation it is usually a confusing time, so it can be a difficult to think clearly. We may f e e l stuck or overwhelmed by what our future holds. We may need support with our powerful emotions and the psychological impact of separation or divorce. For some it can be a time of grief, especially when children are involved. The counselling offers an opportunity to s e l f-reflect & re-evaluate our l i f e. Moving on and adapting to new lifestyles can present fresh challenges. The Role of Counselling for People Separating or Divorcing

The Role of Counselling in Relationship Resilience or Renewal

• Responds to the specific issues you bring & if appropriate …
• Reviews what, for you, will make the relationship work, the difficulties & concerns
• Addresses assumptions, perspectives, expectations, needs, belief systems & behaviour patterns
• Reflects upon communication, any emotional difficulties, commitment issues & the way we act
• Focuses on conflict de-escalation
• Investigates redundant patterns of responding which may no longer work
• Acknowledges the paradox of how to be separate, yet part of a couple
• Examines the different relationship phases
• Assists in managing any disillusionment
• Looks at intimacy avoidance projected onto work, stimulants, possessions, affairs, etc
• Explores the risking of intimacy or finding the courage to love
• Considers the effects of being a parent
• Embraces the role of passion, arousal & sex in the relationship
• Respects the search for a deeper soul connection
• Enquires into the role of forgiveness, trust & acceptance
• Pinpoints where changes & transformation may be helpful
• Acknowledges how for some "making do" may not be enough
• Explores different relational possibilities.

The Role of Counselling for People Separating or Divorcing

• Responds to the specific issues you bring & if appropriate …
• Facilitates in distinguishing between what's reaction & what's choice
• Helps clarify your f e e l i n g s & the choices you make
• Helps unfold entrenched views, positions, hostilities, entitlements, expectations & any demonisation
• Assists in working through very specific concerns & unresolved issues: e.g. parenting & child access, grievances, anger diffusion, outrage, aggression, depression, hurt, pain, anxiety, stress, loneliness, grief
• Helps mourn the loss of the relationship
• Considers how to manage any powerful, overwhelming f e e l i n g s & heightened emotions
• Explores the impact of the separation / divorce (eg. anxiety, s e l f-image, esteem or confidence)
• Investigates the "roles" we've played & any redundant ways of responding, which may no longer work
• Discusses how communication has been & how different it may need to be in the future (eg. how to be resilient, keeping the door open to dialogue, making reasonable decisions, role of compromise)
• Aides improving clarity of thought & future focus
• Examines how to manage any impending circumstances
• Explores ways to adjust & adapt to a new lifestyle
• Enables moving on emotionally, psychologically & practically at your own pace
• Assists in gaining a deeper understanding of what is happening for you & what your l i f e is all about
• Allows for s e l f-reflection of l i f e patterns, re-evaluation & seeking to live to your full potential