Counselling & Psychotherapy

Relationship Counselling, Marriage Counselling, Relationship Problems, Marriage Problems, Central London, Camden
Affairs, Infidelity, Envy & Jealousy In The Relationship Or Marriage

Seeing Someone Else, Affairs, Infidelity

We may have met someone else or be involved in an affair. We may have had a fling, "casual sex" or something more serious, either way it can put a strain on us & others. We may have tried to keep this aspect of our lives separate. We may have started to see someone else because of a need to sexually experiment, something we find difficult to do in our current relationship or marriage. Constantly covering our tracks, we may be worn out by the circle of lies and our integrity may be compromised. An affair or seeing someone else may have happened following an impulsive opportunity, a need for something different, or started off as a friendship & developed from there. We may enjoy the dating, romance. Alongside our attraction to someone else, maybe carried away with passion, we may also have entered into this liaison because of a difficulty in our relationship or marriage. We may have started an affair as a distraction to get away from problems in our relationship or marriage. And sometimes having an affair may be an easy way out to avoid things between us & our partner. We may believe that turning to someone else may solve our problem, yet our troubles may remain and we may now be questioning if we really want to abandon our relationship or marriage. We may also have unresolved personal struggles, problems or insecurities in the hope that by seeing someone else it will be resolved. We may for example be alone, lonely at times, believing that turning to someone else will take away all these feelings. Following our infidelity or extramarital affair we may become confused, torn with what to do – what some people call a love triangle. We may love our partner & the new person in our life, and have a dilemma of which person to choose, how can I be with both, do I want to get back to my original partner and if so how can I get back? Being involved in an affair or infidelity we can seem like two different people at times. Anxious or in a panic, it can be hard to think clearly as if in a dream or stupor. Our "fling" or affair may have ended, but the repercussions live on. Having a romantic liaison, sexual encounter or affair doesn't have to mean the relationship or marriage is over, yet for others, they may be considering ending their relationship or marriage.

Online Affairs, Internet Affairs, Cyber Affairs Some of us may be "seeing someone else" online at the same time as being in a relationship or marriage (see also Online Sex, Internet Sex, Virtual Sex & Cybersex Addiction). Our online affair, cyber affair or internet affair can be perceived by our partner no differently to seeing someone else in "real". We may have developed our online affair through online chat, internet dating or lonely hearts or social networking.

Multiple Sexual Relationships, Serial Affairs Some of us may believe we need many relationships, serial affairs, seeking the initial buzz we get when falling in love. We may become easily infatuated, led by desire, with the possibility & potential of so much. We may compulsively seek others out, as if we must be with others to enable us to feel alive. It can be as if we can't resist, we have to "act out" our passion when we feel it, struggling to contain it, that we lack the power or self-control to resist any temptation (see also Being Led By Our Desire below). Lacking restraint, we may confuse sex or lust for love. For some having a lot of sexual partners can boost our esteem, confidence or popularity, yet for others the reverse may be true, and we may experience shame or become like a fugitive, as if there are 2 different sides of us. We may become hooked on the initial attraction stage - the "honeymoon" period or early sexual encounters. Some of us may want sexual freedom when we want it, yet fail to make a link between our sexual freedom & the effects on our current relationship, as if our sexual relationships are disposable, have little consequence or effect on us or others around us. We may have made our existing relationship or marriage of secondary importance to our personal, sexual fulfilment. We may want to stop moving from one person to the next, yet can't quite do it. Our sexual boundaries may support us in this. Abandoning ourselves, we may have an overwhelming need for contact, connection, approval, affirmation, reassurance, recognition, validation, appreciation, praise, permission, confirmation. Commitment may be a challenge for us. Lonely, empty or hungry, as if we want to consume or hold on to something, we may not want to miss out on chances & opportunities, as they may not happen again. We may continuously look to others for love, adoration. Experiencing multiple sexual relationships we may question how fulfilling they are yet sex may be one of the few things that makes us come alive. Others may need multiple sexual partners in order to dull their feelings. In touch with our overwhelming desire, it can be as if we allow our sexual identity to dominate us, and we become overwhelmed or intoxicated. We may be seeking out sexual partners, because we believe we are entitled to do so, no matter what the consequences on others (or ourselves). We may believe we don't deserve love, that sex is our only value. We may struggle to bond with others in a deep way. Counselling & psychotherapy can help look at why we do what we do (see also Love Addiction Or Romance Addiction). A habit of turning to pornography can also be experienced similarly to having an affair.

Reflection On Our Relationship Or Marriage We may have wanted to escape into an affair or new relationship because we've struggled to resolve something in the current relationship or marriage. Unsupported at home (or not contributing much ourself) we may have looked for comfort elsewhere. Rather than try to resolve the problems in the relationship or marriage we can let ourselves get distracted by seeing others. Something may be missing in our relationship or marriage that we can't put our finger on, or have yet to explore, and counselling can provide a space to do this. Avoiding tackling something difficult with our partner, we may have turned to someone else. An unresolved issue with our partner (e.g. hurt, frustration, anger, envy or jealousy), a need to test, retaliate or punish them because we are holding a grievance "you owe me" may play a part. "I'll reject or abandon them before they can do it to me" may be our subtext. Feeling unwanted, rejected, struggling with conflict, confrontation in our relationship or marriage, we may take flight by finding someone else. Fear of commitment for some may play a part. Lacking, fearing or avoiding intimacy in the relationship or marriage we may turn to another for this. How to be intimate, loving - giving & receiving in the relationship or marriage - may be our challenge. Communication may have become difficult in the relationship or marriage, where we are misunderstood, unheard or find it hard to articulate something. We may be disappointed about our relationship or marriage, the attitudes, assumptions, expectations we have about our relationship or marriage may be different to our partner's or simply be personally disappointed. In our quest for happiness we may have turned to someone else, hoping they can give it to us. What commitment means for us may be different to what this means for our partner. We may also have different views about what it means to be in an open relationship. One or both of us may have been sexually withholding, and rather than talk about this, we may have turned to someone else because of our desire to be sexual, or for excitement. We may be seeking more freedom or less control in the relationship, yet struggle to articulate this. There may be an "immature" part of us, who refuses to accept our choices, accept our partner, or take on certain responsibilities. For some we may fear that our partner may leave us, so we choose to pre-empt the ending by having an affair. Some may be very clear they want to end their relationship or marriage. Having an affair may sometimes be a bid to end (yet struggle to deal with possible conflicts of ending) or indeed heal the relationship or marriage and this can be discussed in the counselling & psychotherapy. Others may be clear they want to get back to their parter, who they have hurt, yet feel cast out, in the doghouse, unsure how to get out of the doghouse, now powerless, yet feel uncertain if this is possible (see Wanting To Retrieve Our Relationship Or Marriage below).

Being Led By Our Desire How we respond to our passion and desire is up to us. This can be challenging for some. We may believe that because we have desire, we have to fulfil it (see also Sexual Desire, Passion, Drives, Urges). We may have allowed our desire to have become stronger than our will supported by our personal boundaries. Taking charge of our motivation that drives our passion & desire, so it doesn't always have to be acted out, may be a challenge for some. We may be longing, searching for something we can never quite reach. We may be in touch with an insatiable desire that can never be fulfilled. We may desire a love that is so longed for, so ideal, so perfect, that we can never quite reach it (see also Love Addiction Or Romance Addiction). At some level others may have become like an object for our insatiable desire.

Reflection Of What We Are Doing & Where We Are Going Having a "fling", seeing someone else, an affair or infidelity may result in a sense of betrayal, unfaithfulness, regret, guilt, shame, excitement, danger, release, freedom, being seen & understood. What this means for us at a deeper level can be explored in counselling & psychotherapy. Unhappy, bored or lonely inside, needing connection or depressed we may have turned to someone else, and it can be flattering to receive their attention, boosting our esteem & confidence, yet underlying matters in us or our relationship may still lay unresolved. The sexual attraction we had from the new person we may mistake for love. Unexplored motivations (e.g. I'll tell or show them something), feelings (e.g. fear, sense of emptiness, commitment phobia), beliefs & expectations (e.g. what we think we need or deserve) may need clarification. Issues of control, being seen & recognised, appreciated & valued as a sexual man or woman may be important. We may be seeking approval, affirmation, reassurance, recognition, validation, appreciation, praise, permission, confirmation. We may not be fully aware of our own unmet needs, believing or hoping someone else can meet them in the search for a more meaningful relationship. Unable to bear our own dependency needs, we may "act them out" outside of our relationship or marriage. Things may not be right in our relationship or marriage, and rather than address this, we may have started an affair. Some of what has been going on between us & our partner may have been unconscious. Midlife crisis, unresolved childhood issues or self-sabotage may also play a part. Vulnerable, we may be questioning "What have I got myself into?", "What was it in us, or in them, that drew us to the affair or infidelity?" There are many reasons for seeing someone else, having an affair or being unfaithful. What this means & what to do can be considered in counselling & psychotherapy. Enlivened, some of us may also be considering continuing with this new relationship, contemplate ending our relationship or marriage, or want to rebuild and make this work. The counselling can help to recover from the effects of an affair, if that is our choice, as we reflect upon what to do next. It can be a difficult time to talk to our partner about important aspects of the relationship or marriage, other than the effects of the affair or unfaithfulness. It may have been a spoken or unspoken taboo to be sexual with someone else. We may have also broken the trust between us. Regaining this trust may be a concern. When our partner finds out we have been seeing someone else or had an affair, they may be in a very different place to us, as if they have to catch up with the impact of all that has happened.

Wanting To Retrieve Our Relationship Or Marriage Ending our affair, some of us may really want to reconcile things, rekindle our relationship or marriage, wanting to make it work, yet may be unsure how. The counselling & psychotherapy can support you with this.

On The Receiving End - Responding To Our Partner's Affair When we first find out that this has been happening, it can be as if the rug has been pulled underneath us. Confused, fragile or raw, we may have a whole range of reactions. We may have difficulties eating, sleeping. The effects of an affair, infidelity or sense of betrayal often affect more than just the couple. There is a ripple effect on our friends, family & at work. Confused, the impact of what our partner has been doing may threaten our relationship or marriage. Consumed by the upheaval & turmoil, devastated or resentful, it can be as if our whole world collapses. We may have difficulties eating. We may feel abandoned. Our esteem may erode and we may lose our sexual confidence, questioning our loveability, judgements, loyalties & beliefs. We may do a lot of comparing between the person our partner is/was seeing & us. We may have developed a very vivid imagination or can't get images out of our head. "What have they got that we haven't?", "What do they see in them?" Our mind can go into overdrive, wondering what's true. We may go over & over events for hours - what was said. We may blame ourself for what has happened or for not seeing signs. We may question if any of our lack of affection, indifference, lack of attention or having an affair, contributed to our partner's affair.

On The Receiving End Of An Affair - The Challenges Once we have found out that our partner has been unfaithful (compounded by any deception or pretence), the trust can plummet. The very person we would naturally turn to for comfort & support would usually be our partner. What we thought or believed, may be no longer as we mourn or grieve this loss. Remaining suspicious or no longer trusting them, we may constantly check up on our partner, which may be unsustainable and can drive a wedge into the relationship or marriage. Believing our partner now owes us something, we may want to punish them, retaliate or seek revenge. Insecure or fearful, some may want to fight for the relationship or marriage, others may want to give up. Having fun again & loving sex can be challenging for both partners. Because of the immediate hurt, pain, shock, anger, turmoil & crisis, vulnerability (of both parties), some may question whether having an affair means the end of the insurmountable relationship or marriage, whether they can get over it and how future trust, intimacy, stability & security can be re-established & re-built. Infidelity or having an affair does not have to mean the end of a relationship or marriage (see also Continuing Or Ending The Relationship Or Marriage). Healing our deep wounds, grief, depression, sense of betrayal, and whether & how to forgive, love, can be enormous challenges. How our partner is sincerely interested in salvaging the relationship or marriage & taking responsibility, so they are above suspicion, volunteering information about their activities, genuinely seeking ways for us to regain their trust, may influence our response. Following an affair the relationship or marriage can have the potential to grow through the betrayal, be even stronger & more intimate than before. Counselling & psychotherapy may also include other considerations, like:

• Making sense of what happened
• Any underlying personal problems, which may have lead to the affair
• Taking responsibility for our actions
• Looking at underlying relationship issues
• How important the relationship or marriage is
• Opportunities for increasing communication & openness
• Changing the relationship structure by making it less prone to affairs
• Rebuilding & restoring trust
• Finding our way to make our relationship or marriage stronger, loving & robust
• Your role, needs, desires, beliefs, expectations, hopes, etc. in the relationship or marriage

Effects Of Previous & Future Relationships

Some of us may be holding on to a lot of baggage from our previous relationship or marriage. Getting over previous relationships, so we are open to our current one, can be a stumbling block. Continuously comparing our partner (usually unfavourably) with a previous partner, we may hanker for past lovers. We can project feeIings from previous relationships onto our current partner. We may have not recovered from our heart being previously broken. "Never again" might be our mantra. Unsatisfied, we may hanker for new partners, believing that there is always someone better around the corner - "the grass is always greener on the other side", so as never to fully commit to our current relationship.

Envy & Jealousy In The Relationship Or Marriage

Envy & jealousy are not a problem in themselves, in fact they can also have benefits. What we do with our envy & jealousy may be a problem. Our untamed envy or jealousy can be destructive of our partner, our rival & us – going to such lengths to diminish the other or us. Our envy & jealousy can devastate intimacy, push the very people we care about away. Questioning why our partner would choose us we compare us to others (real or imagined) ensuring we come off second best, because our rival has more to offer (they have a better body, are more attractive, sexier, more powerful, understanding, less tired, etc). Our preoccupied state of irrational mind can become fixated & we can become in torment, or imprisoned. Justifying our actions we may experience love one minute (admiration), and hate the next (the need to attack or destroy). Our envy & jealousy can be corrosive on us or others. We can be consumed by a whole range of primal emotions, many of which we "project" onto our partner:

• Persecution
• Frustration, Anger, Rage (about the position we are in, our own mistrust & perceived loss of power)
• Hatred (towards people who are causing us envy or jealousy)
• Resentment
• Emptiness, Loneliness
• Isolation
• Sadness or Depression
• Shame (of our anger, becoming dependent on our partner or "inferior" to our rival, that they or others will find out about our loss of esteem)
• Guilt (because we are not supposed to experience envy or jealousy)
• Selfpity
• Betrayal

We may also feeI doomed, helpless, impotent, inferior, inadequate, disadvantaged, worthless & confused. Physically we may feel burdened by it all or nauseous, as it catches us by the throat.

Jealousy, and especially envy, are often seen as socially unacceptable, a taboo. We all feel inferior, inadequate, envious or jealous at times. and if we allow them to take us over, our behaviour can be affected and we can become infantile. We may devalue ourself (or the other person), so we don't have to experience our envy, or deny our need for other people. We may stifle our needs & expression of love, and intensify our hatred, because it may be less painful to bear than our ambivalent feeIings of envy, jealousy & love. We may even try to act superior, omnipotent or better than others and go to great lengths trying to stir up others to be envious or jealous of us. Some of us may even try to demonise another, so we don't have to be envious. Conversely, we may idealise someone, yet feel envious & jealous inside.

Our Internal World We may in a double-bind that if we expose our envy or jealousy, we will be humiliated, yet if we conceal them, we are secretive & sneaky. Inside we may fear loss, rejection, abandonment, humiliation & being threatened by our partner and we may be reminded of past separation, hurt (see also Unhealed Wounds & Our Sensitivities - Pushing Each Other's Buttons), rejection & betrayal. (Ironically we may be pushing our partner further & further away.) Our perceptions become distorted, they can become fantasies and our options seem negative affecting our self-esteem, compounded by continuously comparing ourself with others, as if we are defective in some way. Our sense of worth may diminish. As if in a trance, without always knowing it is our own envy & jealousy, our behaviour can become irrational, as we get angry, frustrated or uncomfortable with our partner. Humiliated inside, we turn criticism, hatred, loss of confidence & esteem against us. (see also Drama Triangle of Victim, Rescuer, Persecutor)

Our envy is between us & someone else of what someone has – their qualities or possessions, which we lack. In our envy, we may desire these qualities in others – who they are or what they have, as if the they have worth & we don't.

Our jealousy entails a triangular relationship including a rivalrous third person. We may feel irrationally insecure that our partner is cheating on us. When someone else comes into our partner's Iife, they may vie for attention and we may fear that they want to possess our partner, often believing our partner will leave us for them. We may feeI anxious, mistrusting or a yearning. Jealousy may creep in and be the basis of frequent arguments. Previous partners or other people currently in our partner's Iife can muddy the waters. We can replay past events, which re-wound us. Jealousy can be unbearable & debilitating – eating away at us. Picking up a thread, our thoughts can tumble. We can imagine future scenarios in our head. We can start worrying as soon as our partner is away from us. Obsessiveness, preoccupation & frequent checking up on our partner may result. We can't bear not knowing everything about them – all their movements & actions. Maybe doubting we are good enough, insecure, untrusting or unsafe we can become depressed at times as our life force & power erodes. We can forget what else is important for us. We may withdraw or become rageful towards our partner. The therapy may consider how control or possessiveness plays out in your Iife & ways of reducing jealousy. Releasing ourselves & letting go may also play a part. The counselling & psychotherapy may also consider our own emotional dependency.

On the receiving end of envy & jealousy. We may feel invaded, mistrusted & claustrophobic, almost as if imprisoned at times. We can't be who we are, have fun or be spontaneous. We may become vulnerable, helpless, sad, unseen, controlled (see Our Sensitivities - Pushing Each Other's Buttons) & struggle to shine or be proud of who we are or our accomplishments.

Counselling & Psychotherapy can support you in feeling empowered & compassionate with yourself & your partner.

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