Counselling & Psychotherapy

Relationship Counselling, Marriage Counselling, Relationship Problems, Marriage Problems, Central London, Camden
Envy & Jealousy, Affairs, Infidelity In The Relationship Or Marriage

Preoccupation In The Relationship Or Marriage

Some of us may be preoccupied with making our current difficulties bigger than they are. We may be so preoccupied with past hurts or future scenarios, like being settled or having children, that they overlook nurturing & building the relationship as it currently is.

Baggage From Previous Relationship & Possible Future Relationships

Getting over previous relationships, so we are open to our current one, can be a stumbling block. Continuously comparing our partner (usually unfavourably) with a previous partner, we may hanker for past lovers. We can project feeIings from previous relationships onto our current partner. We may have not recovered from our heart being previously broken. "Never again" might be our mantra. We may hanker for new partners, believing that there is always someone better around the corner - "the grass is always greener on the other side", so as never to fully commit to our current relationship.

Affairs, Infidelity

The impact of seeing someone else whilst in a relationship may be an issue. This may have happened following an impulsive opportunity, an unresolved issue with our partner (e.g. hurt, anger, envy or jealousy), a desire to be sexual, a need to test them or need to be understood. An affair may sometimes be a bid to end the relationship. Unexplored feelings (e.g. sense of emptiness, commitment phobia) or beliefs (e.g. what we think we need or deserve) may need clarification. The counselling can help to recover from the effects of an affair. Constantly covering our tracks some of us may believe we need serial affairs, seeking the initial buzz we get when falling in love (see also Love Addiction In Relationships). These two can be explored in counselling & psychotherapy.

Responding To Affairs The effects of an affair or infidelity often affect more than just the couple. There are many reasons for having an affair, or being unfaithful, which can be explored in counselling & psychotherapy. The impact of our partner's unfaithfulness may threaten our relationship or marriage. Once we have found out they have been unfaithful, the trust can plummet. No longer believing them, we may constantly check up on our partner. What we thought or believed may be no longer as we mourn or grieve this loss. Because of the immediate pain, turmoil & crisis (of both parties), some may question whether having an affair means the end of the insurmountable relationship or how future trust, stability & security can be re-built in the relationship or marriage, following infidelity or an extramarital affair. Infidelity or having an affair does not have to mean the end of a relationship or marriage. Healing our deep wounds, sense of betrayal, and whether & how to forgive, can be enormous challenges. Counselling & psychotherapy may also explore further options, like:

• Making sense of what happened
• Exploring of any difficulties, which may have lead to the affair
• Taking responsibility for our actions
• Looking at underlying relationship issues
• Opportunities for increasing communication & openness
• Changing the relationship structure by making it less prone to affairs
• Rebuilding & restoring trust
• Exploring your role, needs, desires, beliefs, expectations, hopes, etc. in the relationship or marriage

Envy & Jealousy In The Relationship Or Marriage

O, beware, my lord, of jealousy; It is the green-ey'd monster… William Shakespeare

Our untamed envy or jealousy can be destructive of others & us – going to such lengths to diminish the other or us. Comparing us to others we ensure we come second best. Our preoccupied state of irrational mind can become fixated & we can become in torment, or imprisoned. Justifying our actions we may experience love one minute (admiration), and hate the next (the need to attack or destroy). We can be consumed by a whole range of primal emotions: persecution, frustration, anger, rage, resentment, loneliness, isolation, depression, shame, selfpity or betrayal. We may also feeI doomed, helpless, impotent, inferior, inadequate, disadvantaged, worthless & confused. Physically we may feel burdened by it all or nauseous, as it catches us by the throat.

Jealousy, and especially envy, are often seen as socially unacceptable. We all feel inferior, inadequate, envious or jealous at times. and if we allow them to take us over, our behaviour can be affected and we can become infantile. We may devalue ourself (or the other person), so we don't have to experience our envy, or deny our need for other people. We may stifle our needs & expression of love, and intensify our hatred, because it may be less painful to bear than our ambivalent feeIings of envy, jealousy & love. We may even try to act superior, omnipotent or better than others and go to great lengths trying to stir up others to be envious or jealous of us. Some of us may even try to demonise another, so we don’t have to be envious. Conversely, we may idealise someone, yet feel envious & jealous inside.

Our Internal World Inside we may fear loss, abandonment & being threatened by the other and we may be reminded of past separation, hurt, rejection & betrayal.

Our envy is between us & someone else of what someone has – their qualities or possessions. In our envy, we may desire these qualities in others – who they are or what they have, as if the they have worth & we don't.

Our jealousy entails a triangular relationship including a rivalrous third person. When someone else comes into our partner's Iife, they may vie for attention and we may fear that they want to possess our partner. We may feeI anxious, mistrusting or a yearning. Jealousy may creep in and be the basis of frequent arguments. Previous partners or other people currently in our partner's Iife can muddy the waters. Jealousy can be unbearable & debilitating – eating away at us. We can replay past events, which re-wound us. Picking up a thread, our thoughts can tumble. We can imagine future scenarios in our head. Preoccupation & frequent checking up on our partner may result. We can't bear not knowing everything about them – all their movements & actions. Untrusting, insecure or unsafe we can become helpless or depressed at times as our life force & power erodes. We can forget what else is important for us. We may withdraw or become rageful towards our partner. The therapy may explore how control plays out in your Iife & ways of reducing jealousy. Releasing ourselves & letting go may also play a part.

On the receiving end of envy & jealousy we may become vulnerable, helpless, sad, unseen, controlled & struggle to shine or be proud of who we are or our accomplishments.

Counselling & Psychotherapy can support you in feeling empowered & compassionate with yourself & your partner.

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