Counselling & Psychotherapy

Relationship Counselling, Marriage Counselling, Relationship Problems, Marriage Problems, Central London, Camden
Communication, Conflict & Empathy In The Relationship Or Marriage

Communication – How You Relate

When couples first meet, eager to learn about each other they can initially talk for hours, sharing & listening to each other. Yet as the relationship evolves, one or both partners may state "we can't communicate" or become uncommunicative. There may be an impasse & communication breakdown. "What's the point of talking" can be our position. Our need to learn (about ourseIves & our partner) gets lost. We may begin to make our partner responsible for our feeIings by trying to control them. What started off as sharing & giving, can get replaced by wanting something from our partner. We can each find controlling ways to get what we want from our partner – affection, acceptance, attention, approval, understanding, sex. Through power struggles a couple may fight tooth & nail, or one party may give in, ending up resentful or used. It can be hard to lay down our weapons & discuss matters rationally, being sensitive to each other's vulnerabilities in order to communicate respectfully & listen openly. Therapy can help you explore how you relate. This may include issues of compliance, resistance, conflict, resentment & trust.

Communication problems can on the surface mean that our partner isn't listening or understanding us from our point of view. Yet underneath we may have an agenda of wanting our partner to understand things our way, or change in ways we want them to. When they don't change, we may blame, criticise, complain or seek sympathy in order to control. If we communicate our feeIings in ways to make our partner responsible for them, that they need to change in order for us to be OK, they are unlikely to respond positively. It can be a real challenge to learn about us & our partner, taking responsibility for our own feelings, to love without controlling. Counselling & psychotherapy can support you in discovering your own intentions, so your flow of communication is open. The relationship can be stuck in other ways, as if we are going around in circles, missing each other.

Truth persuades by teaching, but does not teach by persuading. Quintus Septimius Tertullianus

For some this may be connected to avoiding our own difficult feelings, like anxiety, loneliness, emptiness, helplessness or heartache. This is often symptomised by bringing up the same issues over & over again, which can become a heart sink feeIing for either or both partners. There may be patterns of responding in relationships, which are familiar to us but no longer work. Through fear of hurting our partner, or fear of their reaction, we may regularly withhold speaking our truth. In certain ways we may have become secretive. How we express ourseIf (e.g. our tone, inference) & the language we use have an effect - the impact & power of words, and the intent behind them. Some people use casual insults or sarcasm as a way of relating. We can fail to see our partner as they actually are when we hold on to our defensiveness, resentment, cynicism & spitefulness.

We may want to avoid the role we play in an emotionally polluted environment, full of negative thoughts or feeIings: criticism, contempt, blame & complaints, guilt & shame, hurt & pain, holding grudges, old & current grievances, anger, retaliation, "point scoring", fear or depression. We may struggle to really listen to our partner or take on a role of fixing things. We may have forgotten to validate our partner's worth or accept their difference. The counselling goal here is not usually about solving the problem, but rather about moving from gridlock to dialogue and open communication with respect. The counselling may also consider the challenges of really communicating how we express our needs & dreams, and what happens to our desire to resolve issues. In the counselling & psychotherapy you may also want to explore how you do & don’t express your love for your partner.

Being Heard In The Relationship Or Marriage

Some of us may believe we are unheard in the relationship. Some of us can be waiting or longing to hear some words from our partner. This longing can go back years. The counselling & psychotherapy can explore this with you in depth.

Conflict In The Relationship Or Marriage

Most of us fear conflict, or even disagreement. Yet becoming intimate as a couple usually involves conflict along the way. A dilemma for some may be how to disagree yet find ways to talk together. Where conflict & tensions occur, it can be easy to conclude that "we simply don't get on together" and for some this may be accurate, yet usually there are other considerations to explore, e.g. we can become disillusioned, believing this is all to do with our partner or the relationship. Intolerance may spread through the relationship (see also Our Sensitivities - Pushing Each Other's Buttons). The meaning of what is said can be twisted. Rows can develop. Aspects of us we hard find to see, deny, disown or repress, can get projected onto our partner, e.g. our stress, fear, anxiety, anger or unmet love needs, etc.

We may want different things from the relationship. Clash of different assumptions, perspectives, unrealistic expectations, needs & values may present problems. Some conflicts seem to go round & round, like a broken record. Arguments over money & children - especially in those early years, can be a real issue. Withdrawing or fighting can replace being honest with each other & intimate. Some of us can regress, like bickering adolescents or children. We may have contempt. It can be frustrating & exhausting explaining, arguing, defending, attacking blaming or threatening, rather than compassionately feeI our own (or partner's) real heartache. Having the last word, trying to win arguments or make direct hits can for some be more important that wanting to heal the relationship, so it can be loving. Difficulties in the relationship could be seen as a breakdown of boundaries - what's mine, what's your & what's ours. We may feel angry with our partner, because they are doing what they want to do, instead of what we want them to do. Conflict with our partner can also point to unresolved conflict within us, which we can project onto our partner. Some of the conflict with our partner may be related to how we experienced ourselves from childhood, our negativity & insecurity, judgements & selfcriticism. The relationship may be remote or stormy and sometimes creating conflict in the relationship can be an attempt to avoid intimacy. Counselling can help explore these issues with you.

Empathy In The Relationship Or Marriage

Counselling can help us explore what's going inside of us, what we imagine is going inside of our partner and if it is possible to stand back & see what might be happening to both of you, as if you were observing the relationship. A challenge may mean developing capacity to connect - being empathic - open to our partner's feeIings & principles - being caring, respectful, affectionate, forgiving, sacrificing & supporting, understanding, kind, compassionate. Finding strength in each other's virtues, and the willingness to sacrifice for the sake of being a couple, may be a challenge for some.

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