Counselling & Psychotherapy

Relationship Counselling, Marriage Counselling, Relationship Problems, Marriage Problems, Central London, Camden
Communication, Conflict & Empathy In The Relationship Or Marriage

Communication – How You Relate

Changes In The Way We Communicate When couples first meet, eager to learn about each other, they may initially talk for hours, sharing & listening to each other. Yet as the relationship evolves, one or both partners may state "we can't communicate" or become uncommunicative. We can get caught in familiar knots of relating unproductively. Communication in the relationship or marriage can be stuck in other ways, as if we are going around in circles, missing each other. Our willingness & need to learn (about ourseIves & our partner) gets lost, as may attempting to interact, respond differently to what may no longer be working. It can be continuous challenge to learn about us & our partner, taking responsibility for our own feelings, to love without controlling. Keeping the flow of communication open & clear may be important, as can working together in order to find solutions, agreeing to disagree & sticking to one issue at a time. The attitude & intention we hold can go a long way in affecting how we communicate. Counselling & psychotherapy can support you in discovering your own intentions. Some of these may be unconscious ones (see Unconscious Communication In Relationship Or Marriage).

Communication problems can on the surface mean that our partner isn't listening or understanding us from our point of view. Yet underneath we may have an agenda of wanting our partner to understand things our way, or change in ways we want them to. When they don't change, we may blame, criticise, complain or seek sympathy in order to control. We may want to punish our partner, even subtly, attempt to injure our partner's esteem, which reduces opportunity for good contact & erodes the relationship or marriage. If we communicate our feeIings in ways to make our partner responsible for them, that they need to change in order for us to be OK, they are likely to respond negatively. Being complete within, derived from our own emotional, mental & physical strengths can enable us to be in a strong position to communicate well.

Our Communication Blocks Some issues or conflicts seem to go round & round, like a broken record, indicating a block in the way we communicate. We may have got stuck in a rigid way of relating, as if this is the only way of relating. For some their communication blocks may be connected to what's happening inside us - our own difficult feelings, like anxiety, fear, loneliness, emptiness, helplessness or heartache. This is often symptomised by bringing up the same issues over & over again, which can become a heart sink feeIing for either or both partners. Our communication blocks may also point to what we communicate unconsciously (see Unconscious Communication In Relationship Or Marriage below).

Communication Impasse There may be an impasse & communication breakdown and it can be hard to see our way through this. Withdrawing or fighting can replace being honest & intimate with each other. "What's the point of talking?" can be our attitude. What started off as sharing & giving, can get replaced by only wanting something from our partner. We may begin to make our partner responsible for our feeIings by trying to control them. We can each find controlling ways to get what we want from our partner – understanding, approval, acceptance, attention, affection, sex. We may have become undermining, possessive, overdemanding or abusive. Through power struggles of controlling & resisting, a couple may fight tooth & nail, or one party may give in, ending up resentful or used. One of us may become very passive. It can be hard to lay down our weapons & discuss matters rationally, being sensitive to each other's vulnerabilities in order to communicate respectfully & listen openly. (See also Controlling Behaviour, Blaming & Criticism)

Holding On to Things Some of us may hold on to things, resentments, grudges, keep scores, finding it hard to let go. Letting go of what we need to, may be important. We can fail to see our partner as they actually are when we hold on to our defensiveness, resentment, cynicism or spitefulness.

Patterns Of Communication There may be patterns of responding in relationships, which are familiar to us but no longer work. Letting go of our pride, learning to be humble, give & take may be a challenge. Some of us may be too afraid or ashamed to say what we want to say. We may take on a role of fixing things or trying to please our partner to avoid deepening the relationship. Having honest communication between each other can enable the relationship to thrive, be more alive.

Open Communication To varying degrees we are learning all the time about the quality of human interaction & engagement, whether to be open or closed. Having some ground rules can support each other. We may want to meet each other without wearing masks & come from a strong place, be more open to each other. It may be important for us here, to find ways so we can move from gridlock to dialogue, with open communication, respect & appreciation, being in real contact with our partner, valuing them. How we do & how we don't close the space down in our relationship or marriage, how we do what we need to do to improve the level of communication can also be explored in the counselling & psychotherapy.

Our Communication Style Some people have a very different way of communication inside their relationship, to elsewhere in their life. We & our partner may have different communication styles (men & women often do) and see things differently. Some of us can be assertive in certain situations, for example work, yet not in our relationship. When it comes to our emotions, we may struggle to always know what we are feeling, how to articulate this and remain strong. Other people have a familiar communication style, which doesn't change much whether in a relationship or not. A flexible communication style may be missing. And how we communicate can impact the outcome. We may be overly competitive, dominate, talk at someone or for long periods of time, as if it is a monologue, or a checklist, and they in turn may switch off or do the same back, so no one really listens, or at best partially listens (see Listening below).

Not Wanting To Upset Our Partner Some of us may try so hard not to upset, hurt our partner, that we end up forsaking, silencing ourselves. If something is wrong with our partner, we may see it as our fault, that we are to blame, not that this is their reaction. We may become like a sponge, absorbing our partner's emotions, reactions, as if they are our own. We may feel awkward or uncomfortable, putting ourselves under pressure for the way our partner feels (as if we are responsible for their feelings), and rather than listen, try to make it (our uncomfortable feelings) better. Through fear of hurting our partner, or fear of their reaction, we may regularly withhold speaking our truth. In certain ways we may have become secretive. We may walk on eggshells so as to avoid conflict or confrontation, yet the conflict doesn't go away and may escalate. Sometimes having a good & fair healthy fight can clear the air, clean things, bring us close together, deepen the relationship (see also Having A Healthy Fight In The Relationship Or Marriage below). We may be confused or fear losing our partner and become a mixture of passive, aggressive or manipulative. These challenges can be explored in counselling & psychotherapy.

Seeking Permission From Our Partner We may feel a little insecure inside, questioning if it's OK to have feelings, do what we do. We all need reassurance at times, yet may struggle to take our own stand, trusting ourself, so we don't always need our partner's permission. It may also be so very important to get approval, affirmation, validation, recognition appreciation, permission or confirmation that we struggle to be real with our partner.

Impact Of What We Say How we keep communication in the relationship or marriage safe, so we don't feel threatened by always saying what's on our mind may be important. We may also want to catch ourself before we speak, so we don't go down roads we don't need to go down. We may need to remember that communication is a two-way flow, that the words we use matter, therefore we can cut down unnecessary things to say, yet say the things we want to say in respectful, non-blaming ways. How we express ourseIf (e.g. our tone, inference) & the language we use has an effect, as does the impact & power of our words, and the intent behind them. Being in touch with what really matters and how we say it may also be important. What we don't say, yet would like to, can also be explored in the counselling & psychotherapy.

Balance Between Withholding Or Sharing All Our Thoughts Some of us may be extremely guarded, cautious, holding back what we say. Others may be in the habit of sharing all their thoughts. There can be a fine balance between the two. Each conversation may call upon us to be clear about what is appropriate to share, and what isn't.

Being Clear We can't assume our partner knows what we need or want, that they will understand us. Most people have found it is more appropriate to be precise, positive & clear about what we need or want, and to be direct, honest without being blunt or rude, so we are able to communicate the details, leaving little room for misunderstandings. On occasions we may choose to be vague about things, because this serves us. However, frequently being vague we may have assumed that the other person is on our wave length, that we don't want to hurt their feelings, that revealing all the details are too stressful. Being vague also has the disadvantage of being misinterpreted, second guessed. Our lack of clarity can be misinterpreted, taken advantage of.

Choosing When & What We Emphasise If our communication style is to frequently exaggerate to emphasise a point, having to win, appear interesting, gain attention or sympathy, then we may end up losing credibility, being less trusted. Our challenge may be to express reality as best it is for us and be accurate. We may want to consider phrasing what we say differently, maybe lightly, explaining our needs & frustrations, even being creative & appropriately humorous.

Challenges To The Way We Communicate As A Couple A key challenge may be to genuinely attend to, understand & accept our partner. How to be open for things to be said, clearly state our feelings, develop thick skins, so we are not always hurt, may also be a need. To really listen may be important (see Listening above). A further challenge may be how to successfully manage setbacks in loving ways. Being supportive through tolerance, compromise, acceptance, with a sense of humour may help each other to open & lighten up, be more human. You may want to look at how you communicate as a couple (e.g. who pushes, who pulls, how we are open, closed, subversive, covert or overt, passive or active, etc). Building the relationship, so it is enriched, may be important, as may being kind, respectful, understanding of our partner in words & deeds, treating them well. How we make quality time for each other, helping one another to get each other's needs met may also be important. In the counselling & psychotherapy you may also want to talk about how you do & don't express your love for your partner. What enables you to create a relationship or marriage that can be sustained, loving & enduring can also be explored in the therapy.

Dialogue Between Each Other When willing to share conversation, simply discussing together, things may flow easier. We may want to be more relaxed, curious about each other and put more emphasis on listening and a willingness to understand each other's point of view, rather than the need to be right or win (see also Competitiveness In The Relationship Or Marriage). Finding strength in each other's virtues, and the willingness to at times sacrifice for the sake of being a couple, may be a challenge for some. The therapy may also investigate with you, how dialogue can be more central to how you relate, are at ease, so there is our own world, our partner's world and our world together as a couple.

Communicating Differently Skilled in other areas of our life we may struggle with relating. Sometimes rather than blaming our partner, which will create defensiveness in them, we may want to consider taking ownership of our problem by expressing our own concern or feelings, rather than rushing straight to criticising them for what they do (see also Preparing The Ground, Creating The Conditions, Setting The Scene above). Relationship counselling can help unravel things & explore how you relate. This may include issues of compliance, resistance, conflict, resentment, trust, being true & honest in a way that meets our partner. The relationship & marriage counselling may also consider the challenges of really communicating, opening up if that is our choice (and what this means for us), how we express our emotional needs & dreams, and what happens to our desire to resolve issues. Creating loving compromise can sometimes be a struggle, and agreeing to disagree can be a solution for some. Being & relating with others may also evoke in us existential struggles. Counselling & psychotherapy can help with these & other communication issues.

Listening

Listening Some of us may put ourselves under unnecessary pressure when we listen. Rather than listening, we may jump in to try & fix things, or please our partner, yet it may not always be what they need (or in fact what we need). Misunderstandings may happen because we are unwilling to make the time to understand. We may become impatient, make quick assumptions. We may have forgotten to really listen to our partner - be with them, validate their worth, accepting their difference and create a trusting space (see Preparing The Ground, Creating The Conditions, Setting The Scene below). When listening to our partner, we may need to stop thinking ahead what we are going to say, not interrupt, so we can give our full attention to listening. Struggling to manage this, we may not let them have their time to say what they need to say. It can be a challenge to really listen to our partner (to what is actually being said), refraining from interrupting. We may need to engage our partner, leaving space for them to talk, so they (and we) don't switch off, stop listening or get exhausted. Responding to what our partner is really saying - what they are calling for, so they are heard & met, without playing "tit for tat", may be challenging. It can be a further challenge to listen to what our partner isn't saying - what they are telling us about their needs. We may want to explore how we can listen openheartedly without judgements and be in the moment.

Being Heard, Seen & Met In The Relationship Or Marriage

Being Heard & Seen By Our partner Some of us may believe we are unheard, unseen, unmet in the relationship. Some of us can be waiting or longing to hear some words from our partner. This longing, and sense of being unheard, can go back years. The counselling & psychotherapy can help discover this with you in depth.

Conflict In The Relationship Or Marriage

Responding To Conflicts Differently All relationships have conflict. When any two people bring their own issues, history, backgrounds, assumptions, expectations, personalities & personal struggles, there will be inevitable conflict from time to time. Difference of opinion will always be part of a relationship or marriage. Many of us fear conflict, or even disagreement. Yet it is not conflict itself which is damaging, but how we respond to it. We may respond to any disagreement as devastating (see Not Wanting To Upset Our Partner above). Yet becoming intimate as a couple usually involves conflict along the way. If we are lonely inside we may find it hard to respond to any conflict or confrontation. Those of us who struggle with conflict may struggle with their relationship or marriage, if they are unable to relax, not react or be so embarrassed. Conflicts handled well can give the relationship or marriage the opportunity to grow & deepen, bringing us closely together as a couple. If both of us want to honestly resolve a conflict, (without simply getting our own way), taking responsibility for our own role can help.

What May Be Happening Inside Intolerance may spread through the relationship (see also Our Sensitivities - Pushing Each Other's Buttons). We may struggle to get our point across or find it difficult to really hear our partner. We may want to avoid the role we play in any emotionally polluted environment, full of negative thoughts or feeIings: criticism, contempt, casual insult, sarcasm, blame & complaints, guilt & shame, hurt & pain, holding grudges, old & current grievances, anger, retaliation, "point scoring", fear or depression.

The Meanings We Make Of Conflicts or Disagreements We all have our triggers for arguing - sometimes it's just our differences we allow to get in the way, and when our partner does something or says something, we can react. We all have different needs, e.g. sexual needs, libido. Where conflict & tensions occur, it can be easy to conclude that "we simply don't get on together" and for some this may be accurate, yet usually there are other considerations, e.g. we can become disillusioned, believing this is all to do with our partner or the relationship. We may struggle with how to disagree yet find ways to talk together. The meaning of what is said can be twisted. Rows can develop. What we make of things, how we see them, is our interpretation, not necessary a fact. Conflict with our partner can also point to unresolved conflict within us, which can be included in the therapy work. Aspects of us we hard find to see, deny, disown or repress, can get projected onto our partner (some of them unconsciously), e.g. our stress, fear, anxiety, anger or unmet love needs, etc. We may not be able to avoid pain & suffering, how we respond to this & how free we are to disagree, maybe our challenge.

Managing, Accepting Our Differences We may want different things from the relationship. Clash of different assumptions, perspectives, unrealistic expectations, needs & values may present problems. We may struggle to learn how to disagree without things turning into an argument. We may be holding expectations, disappointment, hurt or have contempt. Some of us can regress, like bickering adolescents or children. It can be frustrating & exhausting explaining, arguing, defending, attacking, blaming, threatening or trying to persuade our partner that we are right (see Trying To Be Right, Persuade Our Partner above), rather than compassionately feeI our own (or empathise with partner's) real heartache (see Empathy In The Relationship Or Marriage below). Accepting our partner, letting them be themselves instead of trying to control them, may be challenging.

Trying To Be Right, Persuade Our Partner It can be a nice feeling to be right, yet it may be futile to spend a lot of effort trying to prove we are right, win an argument or prove our partner wrong. It can be challenging to let go of our need to be right, stop trying to change our partner, convincing them that we are right, to see things the way we do. Staying open to other possibilities, discussing things together, so there is better understanding can help for some couples. Often we want exactly the same things, connection, closeness, love. It can be a challenge to simply appreciate our partner the way they are, and at the same time respond to our anxiety if they don't agree with us or when we aren't met in the way we need to be. (See also Managing, Accepting Our Differences above)

Underlying Considerations The relationship may be remote or stormy and sometimes creating conflict in the relationship may either be an attempt for excitement or to avoid intimacy. One or both of us may have got into the habit of looking for arguments. Difficulties in the relationship or marriage could be seen as a breakdown of boundaries - what's mine, what's yours & what's ours. We may feel angry with our partner, because they are doing what they want to do, instead of what we want them to do. Some of the conflict with our partner may be related to how we experienced ourselves from childhood, our negativity & insecurity, judgements & selfcriticism. Sometimes when in conflict, there may be misunderstandings or profound realisations, that we & our partner actually want the same thing, but it is how we respond and express this that may be different sometimes. What we see going on (beyond the words & actions, which originally fuelled the conflict) may only be a small piece of what we see is happening (see Unconscious Communication below). Exploring what's happening inside us (internally) may also help us with what's going on externally.

Apologising In The Relationship Or Marriage

Apologising In Our Relationship Some of us find it difficult to forgive or say "sorry" and others are always apologising. Fearing conflict, or not wanting to upset our partner we may use trying to apologise as a means to try to control our partner, get our way. (See also Apologising)

Being Responsive, Giving & Receiving Feedback

Preparing The Ground, Creating The Conditions, Setting The Scene Creating plenty of good will can be the foundation for relating better. If one of us is on edge, stressed, tired or preoccupied, this is likely to affect interactions. Before discussing each other's ways, behaviours that can be changed and implementing them, some people have found that making quality time to be together, connecting in a more conducive, trusting space, can help rather than rushing to brainstorming possible solutions. Creating times when we can be amiable together as a couple can help defuse the urgency of situations. Facilitating this space in a conducive atmosphere can support us speaking our truth (see Choosing To Speak Our Truth below). Taking a mood reading (of us and our partner) may also support us. The timing of discussing any disagreements can be important as can the ability to stick to the topic without lobbing in other diversions, which can muddy the waters. It is understandable if we receive criticism we may become defensive, aggressive or revengeful, yet there may be something valuable that gets lost if we quickly rush to reaction. Finding ways to connect openly & honestly, respecting & accepting each other's differences with tenderness may be important. Being open to constructive criticism - however it is said, may be a challenge for us. How we give feedback can affect how it is received. Preparing the right conditions for us, our own internal ground, may also be important, so we are able to really listen (see Listening above).

Empathy In The Relationship Or Marriage

Being Truthful Differences in the relationship or marriage can much easier be resolved in meaningful ways when we have empathy for each other and are willing to nourish the relationship or marriage, recognising where each other is coming from & different point of view. Simply viewing our partner as just being themselves may help us. Some of us may have disengaged from our partner. Counselling can help us explore what's going inside of us, what we imagine is going inside of our partner and if it is possible to stand back & see what might be happening to both of you, as if you were observing the relationship. A challenge may mean developing a capacity to connect - being empathic - open to both our own & our partner's feeIings & principles - being caring, respectful, affectionate, forgiving, sacrificing & supporting, understanding, kind, compassionate.

Choosing To Speak Our Truth

Having A Fair Fight Sometimes we may have a need to control or deceive our partner. We may have become disrespectful not only to our partner, but to us, and be seeking courage to honestly speak from our heart. We may hold back, deciding not to speak directly to our partner, as if we speak past them, through fear (maybe of upsetting them - yet we too may be feeling this). We may believe our partner won't tolerate our emotional honesty, so we end up not saying what we really mean (see Not Wanting To Upset Our Partner above). Being real, valuing us and our partner can open up the space, as can respecting our partner, recognising their intrinsic value. Yet sometimes we or our partner are unable to open up, or have a different pace. Respecting this can assist. Setting up a facilitating space may be important (see Being Responsive, Giving & Receiving Feedback above).

Having A Healthy Fight In The Relationship Or Marriage

Unconscious Communication Some couples avoid disagreements, differences or fights at all costs, yet they have the potential to bring us closer together. We may not want to upset our partner. Accepting us & our partner, how we disagree or on occasions have a fair fight and establishing the ground rules may be challenging. In the early stages of our relationship or marriage, we may have avoided conflict or show vulnerability. We may have tried to keep things safe, comfortable, yet avoid getting too close for fear of losing our partner or upsetting them, yet somehow things now may have become stuck. We may expect or resent certain things, finding it hard to express certain emotions or needs. We may have got sucked into something or got into familiar routines, that stop our own vitality. Sometimes taking the gloves off, dropping our barriers down, risking rejection, opening our heart, having the good fight, really listening to our partner, expressing who we are, what matters to us, clearing the air, being real, angry without blaming, compassionate, honest & vulnerable, taking responsibility, truly accepting our differences, can be a healing process in the relationship or marriage. Really seeing each other, a different level of intimacy can be established, deepening the relationship. Taking responsibility for the impact of what we say, being clear, choosing what we emphasise, may be a challenge. Preparing the conditions to resolve conflicts may be important - selecting the best time & conducive place, checking that we & our partner have enough energy, willingness (including willingness to listen & learn), respect for each other.

Unconscious Communication In Relationship Or Marriage

We all have our own issues, history, some of which we are blind to, and can take this into our relationship or marriage. We may therefore need to bear in mind that much of what we communicate is unconscious, which may point to why there are some communication blocks see above. This can include our unconscious thoughts, beliefs, intentions, motivations, behaviours, feelings, hopes, desires, aspects of childhood which get re-enacted, triggered or sabotaged in our adulthood. All relationships to varying degrees contain unconscious elements. And as these unconscious parts of us are picked up between partners (including our body language, subtle nuances, ) they intrinsically affect our conscious interactions. Sometimes it can seem as if we and our partner are in some sort of play with a script as our unconscious interactions get played out, and we are watching them. Our unconscious elements may include our "shadow" - our instincts, unacknowledged feelings, e.g. anxiety, depression, anger, even our creativity, our desire, our love (see also Integrating What We Ignore).

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