Counselling & Psychotherapy

Relationship Counselling, Marriage Counselling, Relationship Problems, Marriage Problems, Central London, Camden
Communication, Conflict & Empathy In The Relationship Or Marriage

Communication – How You Relate

Changes In The Way We Communicate When couples first meet, eager to learn about each other they can initially talk for hours, sharing & listening to each other. Yet as the relationship evolves, one or both partners may state "we can't communicate" or become uncommunicative. We can get caught in familiar knots of relating unproductively. There may be an impasse & communication breakdown (see also Giving Or Receiving "The Silent Treatment"). We may be on edge. "What's the point of talking?" can be our attitude. What started off as sharing & giving, can get replaced by only wanting something from our partner. We may begin to make our partner responsible for our feeIings by trying to control them. We can each find controlling ways to get what we want from our partner – affection, acceptance, attention, approval, understanding, sex. Through power struggles of controlling & resisting, a couple may fight tooth & nail, or one party may give in, ending up resentful or used. One of us may become very passive. We may have become undermining, possessive, overdemanding or abusive. It can be hard to lay down our weapons & discuss matters rationally, being sensitive to each other's vulnerabilities in order to communicate respectfully & listen openly. Our need to learn (about ourseIves & our partner) gets lost, as may learning to interact differently.

Communication problems can on the surface mean that our partner isn't listening or understanding us from our point of view. Yet underneath we may have an agenda of wanting our partner to understand things our way, or change in ways we want them to. When they don't change, we may blame, criticise, complain or seek sympathy in order to control. We may want to punish our partner, even subtly, attempt to injure our partner's esteem, which reduces opportunity for good contact & erodes the relationship or marriage. If we communicate our feeIings in ways to make our partner responsible for them, that they need to change in order for us to be OK, they are likely to respond negatively. Communication in the relationship or marriage can be stuck in other ways, as if we are going around in circles, missing each other. It can be a real challenge to learn about us & our partner, taking responsibility for our own feelings, to love without controlling. Keeping your flow of communication open & clear may be important, as can working together in order to find solutions, agreeing to disagree & sticking to one issue at a time. The attitude & intention we hold can go a long way in affecting how we communicate. Counselling & psychotherapy can support you in discovering your own intentions.

Our Communication Blocks For some their communication blocks may be connected to what's happening inside us - our own difficult feelings, like anxiety, fear, loneliness, emptiness, helplessness or heartache. This is often symptomised by bringing up the same issues over & over again, which can become a heart sink feeIing for either or both partners. There may be patterns of responding in relationships, which are familiar to us but no longer work. Letting go of our pride, learning to be humble, give & take may be a challenge. Some of us may be too afraid or ashamed to say what we want to say. Through fear of hurting our partner, or fear of their reaction, we may regularly withhold speaking our truth. In certain ways we may have become secretive. We may take on a role of fixing things or trying to please our partner to avoid deepening the relationship. We may have forgotten to really listen to our partner, validate their worth, accepting their difference. It may be important for us here to find ways so we can move from gridlock to dialogue, with open communication, respect & appreciation, being in real contact with our partner, valuing them. How we do & how we don't close the space down in our relationship or marriage can also be explored in the counselling & psychotherapy.

Open Communication To varying degrees we are learning all the time about the quality of human interaction & engagement, whether to be open or closed. We may struggle to get our point across or find it difficult to really hear our partner. We may be confused or fear losing our partner and become a mixture of passive, aggressive or manipulative. We may want to avoid the role we play in an emotionally polluted environment, full of negative thoughts or feeIings: criticism, contempt, blame & complaints, guilt & shame, hurt & pain, holding grudges, old & current grievances, anger, retaliation, "point scoring", fear or depression. Some people use casual insults or sarcasm as a way of relating. We may want to meet each other without wearing masks & come from a strong place, be more open to each other.

Listening When listening, we may need to stop think ahead what we are going to say, not interrupt, so we can give our full attention to listening.

Our Communication Style Some people have a very different way of communication inside their relationship, to elsewhere in their life. We & our partner may have different communication styles (men & women often do) and see things differently. Some of us can be assertive in certain situations, for example work, yet not in our relationship. Other people have a familiar communication style, which doesn't change much whether in a relationship or not. A flexible communication style may be missing. And how we communicate can impact the outcome. We may dominate, talk at someone or for long periods of time, as if it is a monologue, or a checklist, and they in turn may do the same back, so no one really listens, or at best partially listens. We may want to consider phrasing our requests differently, maybe lightly, explaining our needs & frustrations, even being creative & humorous.

Choosing When & What We Emphasise If our communication style is to frequently exaggerate to emphasise a point, having to win, appear interesting, gain attention or sympathy, then we may end up loosing credibility, being less trusted. Our challenge may be to express reality as best it is for us and be accurate.

Impact Of What We Say How you keep communication in the relationship or marriage safe, so you don't feel threatened by always saying what's on your mind. Being in touch with what really matters, we may also want to catch ourself, so we don't go down roads we don't need to go down. We may need to remember that communication is a two-way flow, that the words we use matter, therefore we can cut down unnecessary things to say. How we express ourseIf (e.g. our tone, inference) & the language we use has an effect, as does the impact & power of our words, and the intent behind them.

Being Clear Most people have found it is more appropriate to be precise, positive & clear about what we want, direct, honest without being blunt or rude, so we are able to communicate the details, leaving little room for misunderstandings. On occasions we may choose to be vague about things, because this serves us. However, frequently being vague we may have assumed that the other person is on our wave length, that we don't want to hurt their feelings, that revealing all the details are too stressful. Being vague also has the disadvantage of being misinterpreted, second guessed. Our lack of clarity can be misinterpreted, taken advantage of.

Challenges To The Way We Communicate As A Couple We can fail to see our partner as they actually are when we hold on to our defensiveness, resentment, cynicism or spitefulness. You may want to look at how you communicate as a couple (e.g. who pushes, who pulls, who is open, closed, subversive, covert or overt, passive or active, etc). How we make quality time for each other, helping one another to get each other's needs met may be important. How to be open for things to be said, clearly state our feelings, develop thick skins, so we are not always hurt, may also be a need. It can be a challenge to really listen to our partner (to what is actually being said), refraining from interrupting. A further challenge may be to genuinely attend to, understand & accept our partner, successfully manage setbacks in loving ways (maybe supported through tolerance, compromise, acceptance, sense of humour). Being respectful building yourself & the relationship, so it is enriched, may also be important, as may being kind & understanding of our partner in words & deeds, treating them well, enables us to create a relationship or marriage that can be sustained, loving & enduring. In the counselling & psychotherapy you may also want to talk about how you do & don't express your love for your partner.

Communicating Differently Relationship counselling can help unravel things & explore how you relate. This may include issues of compliance, resistance, conflict, resentment, trust, being true & honest in a way that meets our partner. The relationship & marriage counselling may also consider the challenges of really communicating (and what this means for us), how we express our emotional needs & dreams, and what happens to our desire to resolve issues. Being & relating with others may also evoke in us existential struggles. We may need to engage our partner, leaving space for them to talk, so they (and we) don't switch off, stop listening or get exhausted. Creating loving compromise can sometimes be a struggle, and agreeing to disagree can be a solution for some. Counselling & psychotherapy can help with these & other communication issues.

Being Heard, Seen & Met In The Relationship Or Marriage

Being Heard & Seen By Our partner Some of us may believe we are unheard, unseen, unmet in the relationship. Some of us can be waiting or longing to hear some words from our partner. This longing can go back years. The counselling & psychotherapy can help discover this with you in depth.

Conflict In The Relationship Or Marriage

What May Be Happening Inside Intolerance may spread through the relationship (see also Our Sensitivities - Pushing Each Other's Buttons).

Responding To Conflicts Differently All relationships have conflict. Difference of opinion will always be part of a relationship or marriage. Many of us fear conflict, or even disagreement. We may respond to any disagreement as devastating. Yet becoming intimate as a couple usually involves conflict along the way. Those of us who struggle with conflict may struggle with their relationship or marriage, if they are unable to relax, not react or be so embarrassed. Conflicts handled well can give the relationship or marriage the opportunity to grow & deepen, bringing us closely together as a couple. If both of us want to honestly resolve a conflict, (without simply getting our own way), taking responsibility for our own role can help. Lonely inside we may find it hard to respond to any conflict or confrontation.

Not Wanting To Upset Our Partner One of us may walk on eggshells so as to avoid conflict or confrontation, yet the conflict doesn't go away and may escalate. Some of us may try so hard not to upset our partner, that we end us forsaking ourselves. This can be explored in counselling & psychotherapy.

Managing, Accepting Our Differences One or both of us may have got into the habit of looking for arguments. Some conflicts seem to go round & round, like a broken record. We may want different things from the relationship. Clash of different assumptions, perspectives, unrealistic expectations, needs & values may present problems. We may struggle to learn how to disagree without things turning into an argument. Arguments over money & children - especially in those early years, can be a real issue. Withdrawing or fighting can replace being honest & intimate with each other. We may be holding expectations, disappointment, hurt or have contempt. Some of us can regress, like bickering adolescents or children. It can be frustrating & exhausting explaining, arguing, defending, attacking, blaming or threatening, rather than compassionately feeI our own (or partner's) real heartache. Having the last word, trying to win arguments or make direct hits can for some be more important that wanting to heal the relationship, so it can be loving.

The Meanings We Make Of Conflicts or Disagreements We all have our triggers for arguing - sometimes it's just our differences we allow to get in the way, and when our partner does something or says something we can react. Sexual needs, libido, may also be different. A dilemma for some may be how to disagree yet find ways to talk together. Where conflict & tensions occur, it can be easy to conclude that "we simply don't get on together" and for some this may be accurate, yet usually there are other considerations, e.g. we can become disillusioned, believing this is all to do with our partner or the relationship. The meaning of what is said can be twisted. Rows can develop. Conflict with our partner can also point to unresolved conflict within us, which can be included in the therapy work. Aspects of us we hard find to see, deny, disown or repress, can get projected onto our partner, e.g. our stress, fear, anxiety, anger or unmet love needs, etc.

Underlying Considerations The relationship may be remote or stormy and sometimes creating conflict in the relationship can be an attempt for excitement or to avoid intimacy. Difficulties in the relationship or marriage could be seen as a breakdown of boundaries - what's mine, what's your & what's ours. We may feel angry with our partner, because they are doing what they want to do, instead of what we want them to do. Some of the conflict with our partner may be related to how we experienced ourselves from childhood, our negativity & insecurity, judgements & selfcriticism. Sometimes when in conflict, there may be misunderstandings or profound realisations, that we & our partner want the same thing, but how we respond may be different.

Giving & Receiving Feedback

The timing of discussing any disagreements can be important as can the ability to stick to the topic without lobbing in other diversions, which can muddy the waters. It is understandable if we receive critical feedback we may become defensive, aggressive or revengeful, yet there may be something valuable that gets lost if we quickly rush to reaction. Being open to critical feedback - however it is said, may be a challenge for us. How we give feedback can affect how it is received. Before identifying behaviours that can be changed and implementing them, some people have found that making quality time to be together, connecting in a more conducive space, can help rather than rushing to brainstorming possible solutions.

Empathy & Dialogue In The Relationship Or Marriage

Differences in the relationship or marriage can much easier be resolved in a meaningful way when we have empathy for each other and are willing to nourish the relationship or marriage. Counselling can help us explore what's going inside of us, what we imagine is going inside of our partner and if it is possible to stand back & see what might be happening to both of you, as if you were observing the relationship. A challenge may mean developing a capacity to connect - being empathic - open to both our own & our partner's feeIings & principles - being caring, respectful, affectionate, forgiving, sacrificing & supporting, understanding, kind, compassionate. Taking a mood reading (of us and our partner) may support us. Finding strength in each other's virtues, and the willingness to sacrifice for the sake of being a couple, may be a challenge for some. The therapy may also investigate with you, how dialogue can be more central to how you relate. When we are willing to dialogue in open exchanges, we are curious about our partner and put more emphasis on listening and a willingness to understand our partner's point of view, rather than the need to be right or win.

Choosing To Speak Our Truth

Sometimes we may have a need to control or deceive our partner. We may have become disrespectful not only to our partner, but to us, and be seeking courage to honestly speak from our heart. We may hold back, deciding not to speak directly to our partner, as if we speak past them, through fear (maybe of upsetting them - yet we too may be feeling this). We may believe our partner won't tolerate our emotional honesty, so we end up not saying what we really mean. Being real, valuing us and our partner can open up the space, as can respecting our partner. Yet sometimes we or our partner are unable to open up, or have a different pace. Respecting this can assist.

Unconscious Communication In Relationship Or Marriage

All relationships to varying degrees contain unconscious elements. And as these are picked up between partners they intrinsically affect interactions. These unconscious elements may include our "shadow" - our instincts, unacknowledged feelings, e.g. anxiety, depression, anger, even our creativity, our love (see also Integrating What We Ignore).

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