Counselling & Psychotherapy

Relationship Counselling, Marriage Counselling, Relationship Problems, Marriage Problems, Central London, Camden
Continuing Or Ending The Relationship Or Marriage

Nurturing Or Ending The Relationship

Ambivalent Feelings About Our Partner, Relationship Or Marriage Sometimes our discomfort in our relationship or marriage may be connected to our ambivalence. Many of us experience contradictory positive & negative feelings towards our partner or about the relationship or marriage - some of them existing at the same time. The person we love, care about and want to be with can at other times be the same person we may struggle to love or want to be with. We, and the relationship or marriage, may have become stuck in some ways. It may be a struggle to reach each other and we may at times have hope, yet other times - helplessness, resignation. Living parallel lives, we may say we have simply grown apart, yet it may be we haven't learnt or chosen how to grow together or grow ourselves. There may be a way that the relationship or marriage can work, that it is worth trying approaches, which haven't been considered. Whatever decisions we make may involve an element of risk. Counselling & psychotherapy can explore these responses with you. (See also Ambivalence)

Reconciliation The meaning of the word "reconciliation" is about "coming to terms with". This important process can either happen in the continued relationship or after the separation. An important aspect for some may therefore be about working towards resolution either in the relationship or indeed by ending the relationship or marriage. However, any problem in the relationship can mean we convince ourself that it is us, or our relationship, that has failed. We may have lost hope. Choosing the "hard right" instead of the "easy right" may be our challenge. This can be especially true following an affair. Sometimes the easiest answer to a problem in the relationship or marriage is to break up or divorce, because it can require no working at nurturing the relationship, keeping it alive & making it healthy. Yet, some of our problems cannot be resolved through separation. Instead of quitting the relationship, we may want to consider & resolve our own struggles & create the conditions for it to successfully flourish. A relationship can be seen like a garden that needs tendering to & nurturing in order to thrive. Looking after the relationship or marriage may include behaving less selfishly, willing to sacrifice, compromise & work hard to nurture both of us as a couple, beyond our own interest. We may value such a depth of shared memories that enrich us, reminding us that we want to reconcile our differences. The therapy may support you in creating ways for the relationship or marriage to thrive, or to separate in the best way possible.

Should I Stay Or Should I Leave? We may question whether to fight for the marriage, relationship, or save marriage. We may have taken half a step out of the relationship or marriage, questioning whether our next step is towards making it work, or away from it altogether. We may be considering a "cooling off" period. Whether & how to get back together, how we would manage on our own & what this means may preoccupy us. The dilemma of whether to stay & make the relationship work, or leave, is usually complex and calls upon our sincerity. For some going along with things may no longer be enough. It is not always easy to identify the cracks in the foundation of our relationship or marriage. Sometimes we can find solutions on our own, and other times we need our partner. There may be some practical considerations, like whether the relationship was initially healthy & trusting and whether after the breakup we will be better off, how good we were together before these problems were around, whether our partner was good & supportive for us, we were to them, alongside deeper concerns.

Other Dilemmas, Considerations We may have invested a lot into the relationship or marriage, yet making do may or may not be enough for us. On the other hand we may struggle to accept that our relationship or marriage is not ideal, but good enough, worthwhile to pursue & nourish. Some things don't change in us and rather than look at this we may react by seeking change in partner. Sometimes swallowing our pride, taking full ownership of our own issues & mistakes, can be more important than ending our relationship or marriage. We may also want to consider alternatives to ending the relationship or marriage, so there is less potential to later regret we have ended it. If we have a family, a very real dilemma may be should we stay together for the sake of the children. Some may believe this is the right approach, others may believe they are martyring themselves, being dishonest, fraudulent and teaching their children to do the same. We may have genuine concerns that our children will be even more hurt, angry. Counselling & psychotherapy can offer us the space to reflect & work things out, to help clarify your feelings, choices & look at what may lay underneath your difficulties.

Direction Of Relationship Or Marriage We may want to explore the dynamic of our relationship or marriage - whether it is moving towards isolation or intimacy. This may include discovering what priorities in our relationship or marriage take up our time, how responsibilities are shared, the home, expenses, children, sharing of goals, aspirations, love & life.

Taking Time To Reflect Some of us may feel trapped in marriage or relationship, wanting to be more independent, either in the relationship or marriage, or outside of it. Others may deny, or can't bear, their own healthy dependency needs. Whether to be in the relationship or marriage, learning to love again, rebuilding it (maybe differently) & making it work, or whether to leave, present real & often painful dilemmas. Sometimes it is our existential issues or midlife crisis, fear of dying, that can be at the heart of our concerns. Some of us may want to cut & run to separate or divorce as an easy way out and relief from a mess, without carefully thinking things through. It can be a challenge to stay calm. Acting on impulse may not always be advisable. Some of us can get caught up in an I-want-it-all-now, ideal world. Taking our time to consider our realistic expectations, actions & words may help. Break up or divorce is not the only solution to a problem. Many relationships are worth saving, yet there may be some things for us which are red flags, plain wrong or not negotiable (see also Considering Relationship Breakup, Divorce below). Painful though it may be, staying together may at times be a lot worse.

Difficulties Ending We may try to make our partner end the relationship rather than us. One or both of us may try to end the relationship or marriage, yet we or our partner pull back - "I want to leave you, please don't leave". We may not want to break our partner's heart, or our own. We may struggle to deal with possible conflicts if we ended the relationship or marriage. Sometimes our guilt or fear of being alone can stop us ending the relationship or marriage. We may have a tendency to "cut & run" or play out a very long good bye struggling to let go, end the relationship or move on. Some of us may put off breaking up or divorcing - procrastinating, knowing the relationship is over, yet struggle to end it. Knowing when to let go is not always clear, and actually letting go can be very daunting. These and other feelings can be explored in counselling & psychotherapy.

Towards Making The Relationship Or Marriage Work

Reinvigorating & Enriching The Relationship When our relationship is foundering or damaged, we can become frustrated, in despair and our hope can leave us. One or both of us may have already given up on the relationship. Our relationship or marriage may seem doomed & impossible to change. It can be an uncomfortable, painful experience. Relationship therapy & marriage counselling can help us tolerate these feeIings, supporting us to thrive in a healthy, fulfilling, honest & intimate relationship. Repairing things, mending the relationship, being together as a couple again may be initially important. We may want make our relationship or marriage more dynamic & loving.

Healing The Relationship Or Marriage When we feel wounded, so too is the relationship wounded at some level, and this can be explored in therapy. The relationship therapy & marriage counselling may encourage you to step outside of yourself, observing your relationship between you & your partner from a distance, looking in from the outside. This can enable perspective, insight & the possibility of rebuilding, nurturing & healing the relationship or marriage.

Rebuilding The Foundations Of The Relationship Or Marriage Relationships can have many phases, some of them we can get stuck on or cyclically return to. After our initial attraction, and love that has developed, we may also be seeking other ways of connecting with each other: intellectually, morally or spiritually, having some shared values or goals, communicating well, including creating a healthy space to discuss contentious issues, being trusting, intimate, tolerant, respectful & accepting. Nurturing this different space for both of us to come into and develop may be important. Being real, telling the truth to our partner & us, having our integrity, may be important. We may need to consider allowing & accepting the small things that cause us stress and the big things that help bond the relationship or marriage. Taking a leap of faith in being open & loving may be important for us. Developing a healthy relationship or marriage - putting it first, holding our hope, so it can weather any storm, may be important.

What We Can Do Being who we are and having our own independence may be important to us. Taking responsibility for what we are doing, how we can change, improve the level of communication, make our partner happier when we are together may be a consideration, as may increasing the flow of communication & quality of interaction, being open & honest, catching ourself before we go down unhelpful roads. Looking after ourselves, boosting our esteem, remaining positive can assist, as can avoiding turning to any unwanted habits or addictions, because they tend to magnify our situation. Being in touch with our personal humility can open the relationship up, forging stronger bonds. Remaining in control, interacting with others outside our relationship or marriage can help us stay in a better frame of mind.

Taking Our Partner & The Relationship Into Consideration Rediscovering or developing mutual interests, appreciating our partner's strong & not so strong points, may be considered. Keeping good lines of communication, we also may need to learn to dismiss the negatives and live more in the positive side of the togetherness as a couple, cherishing the relationship or marriage. Spending time together regularly as a couple, and experiencing spontaneous, fun & relaxing activities can help. Making a commitment & effort to make our partner happy, doing unexpected things (even bringing back our humour) can bring about a closer connection. Thinking of our partner's needs, sometimes doing what they like, enjoying things together, staying positive in our attitude can rub off. We may need to learn & trust to be intimate again. Not only loving, but learning to respect our partner, may be a challenge, as may no longer taking our partner for granted, being curious - finding out about each other again, discussing & renegotiating expectations. Voicing any problems - naming them, so they don't slip away, so there is no withholding, appreciating & affirming each other, may be important. Being kind, forgiving, empathetic, appreciating, valuing, showing gratitude to our partner through small, daily acts or gestures, and boosting their self esteem can also help, as can relaxing into the relationship, learning to trust again and be present.

Me, You & Us Any change to improve the relationship or marriage will need effort, commitment & patience from both partners. Sharing with our partner may inspire them to also take action. Discussing what we need, specific areas that we can both improve upon, supporting each other is these, can bring us closer together as a couple. Evolving together as a couple, can be a way of bonding the relationship or marriage. And when we are feeling love for our partner, we can tell them with sincerity, without expecting anything back. Saving a marriage or relationship requires personal work & effort from both partners. If we just think it's our partner's responsibility to save marriage or relationship, or that in fact responsibility is all ours (that it is entirely their fault or our fault), then the couple in the marriage or relationship is not considered as one. Once the relationship or marriage is not just seen as about a particular person, but about us as a couple, allowing each other to be touched - moved, then things can be worked out as a couple. Each step of rebuilding the relationship or saving the marriage therefore requires both parties.

Finding common ground, however small, learning to be content with what we have, not holding onto regrets for what we don't have, being sincere & honest without blaming or attacking, may assist, as may not putting our partner down or belittling them. Having good intentions towards each other can support areas of disagreement. Being heard, seen & met may become a priority and this can take time. Finding strength in the virtues of each other, being supportive, understanding & calm, reminding us & our partner that we value the relationship or marriage, and that we would like them to know what we are thinking or feeling, can also be helpful. Being true & honest, able to open up, enjoy things together, share feelings, tenderness, needs, desires & wants, may be important, as may learning how to share, give & take, discuss & compromise. Fostering companionship, nurturing the relationship or marriage as an entity in itself - the couple in the relationship, so it can be alive, co-creative, and not just two individuals - may assist. Owning new ground rules can also form the basis of having a common ground together as a couple.

Continuously bringing up the past, what our partner has done, tends to make matters worse. Forgetting & forgiving the mistakes of our partner, and our own, can be a healing process. Letting go of things can be the biggest gift to our relationship & marriage. Letting our love prevail in the relationship or marriage, despite its problems & conflicts, can help put it back onto the right path. If we do decide to make a go of our relationship or marriage, we may also want to ask if we are willing to own our own mistakes, no longer blame, hold grudges or negative feelings, wanting to understand them (what they need & their differences), truly listen to our partner, choosing to live in the present moment, taking loving actions, embracing healing & intimacy.

Support Networks Whether we continue the relationship or marriage or not in may be important for us to review our support networks. Supportive friends & family, being with our peers, having other activities & interests, being part of groups, maybe spiritual, religious support may help us.

Towards Separation, Divorce & Beyond

When Our Partner Wants To End The Relationship Or Marriage When we first hear the news that our partner wants to separate or divorce it can be shocking. What we thought or believed was permanent to us, is no longer. Our trust & belief in others may have been eroded. We may be upset, emotionally raw and it may be hard to think straight or make big decisions. We are likely to be in a very different emotional place than our partner. Expressing to our partner what is going on for us may also be important. Just "getting over it" may not always be enough. It takes time. There may be memories, beliefs, confusions, powerful emotions, patterns & even lessons we may learn. Counselling & psychotherapy can be a space to expand upon these.

Considering Relationship Breakup, Divorce Some of us may be trying to fix the relationship or marriage, which is beyond repair. We may love our partner, yet can't change them. How the relationship is may be destroying us. In some situations, right from the very beginning it may not have felt right. There may be a complete mismatch, unsuitability or the situation may have become intolerable, abusive. Each of us has our own tipping points - things which are intolerable, plain wrong, that can destroy the relationship. Our situation may deteriorate further when we or our partner have no desire to change, make a sincere apology, and be willing to develop a new way of making the relationship or marriage better. Some people may consider it better to be in no relationship than remain in a bad one. There are no easy answers, and every situation is different. Having constant fights or conflicts, when nothing gets resolved, may for some be so unhealthy & draining that they want to end the relationship or marriage. Some people consider a trial separation, others want to avoid this. Other important considerations or conclusions may include us or our partner:

• Being abusive, unwilling to change or get professional help
• Having a serious addiction & unwilling to have treatment
• Having repeated affairs & we feel so disrespected
• Frequently lying, eroding our trust
• Being frequently disrespectful, which can wear us down
• Being frequently irresponsible
• Being overly controlling or consumed with jealousy
• The problems & dynamics in our relationship or marriage make us so miserable or unhappy
• We are caught in destructive behaviour that can only be stopped by ending the relationship or marriage
• In a situation which has now become intolerable
• Being completely mismatched

Separation – Relationship Break-Up, Marriage Break-Up - What We May Be Going Through Separating from our partner or divorcing is not just a practical or legal event, but also a psychological process. With the best will in the world, relationships cannot always be saved - nor, in some cases, should they be. Throughout the relationship breakdown we may fear loneliness, panic, yet in our heart of hearts this doesn't seem enough to save the relationship or marriage. Endings are rarely perfect or ideal, and can be messy. Separating from our partner often carries some acrimony, pain, hurt, anger, denial, grief, trauma or even relief. Over the course of our relationship breakdown, one or both of us may have stopped talking to the other. We may be lost, confused, insecure. Despite who initiates the leaving, we may feel rejected. Our emotions may spill out & can be felt by both parties. It can be as if we are on an emotional roller-coaster. We can be in touch with very primitive emotions. Each has their own pace and one of you may be in a different emotional place. Healing takes time. The relationship therapy & divorce counselling can be "a container" when emotions & expectations run high. Needing a safety net, some of us may question if we will survive the relationship breakdown, thrive again or ever be in a loving relationship in the future. Relationship therapy & divorce counselling can support you in this process.

Separation – Relationship Break-Up, Marriage Break-Up - What We Make Of It Separation & divorce doesn't necessarily mean that the relationship or marriage has failed. Some of us may love our partner - they may be lovely in many ways, yet still we may want to move on. We may hold a place in our heart for them, even continuing loving or cherishing them after the separation. Some may know that now is the time to end it. We may have ambivalent feelings. Others may feel no love for our partner & can't wait to leave. Our need to separate or divorce may mean we have grown out, or away, from something, or that parts of us are striving or seeking something different. We may conclude that if we remain together, we may be in a different place in our life, and the relationship or marriage may become sterile or bitter. It can be a daunting prospect to separate or divorce. Sometimes it can take great courage to accept the suffering of the parting, as a sacrifice to a greater good in order to set us free.

How We Separate Or Divorce Certain things can consume us, and it can be hard to cope at times. Tough though it can be, we can choose to close this passage of our Iife in a hostile, undignified or ungraceful way. We may feel betrayed, vindictive or like punishing our partner, yet don't have to act our feelings out. We may also choose to part in a mature & graceful, conciliatory way, with mutual respect & dignity. This may not be easy or always be possible. Keeping the door open to dialogue, ensuring the interactions are light, may be helpful. People may want to clarify the consequences of an adversarial or conciliatory parting. Once we have decided to separate, we may want to reflect upon when & how to tell our children, friends (especially mutual friends) & family. Finding ways not to be ostracised, negotiating and settling disputes, e.g. child access, financial, housing, legal & court matters, precious possessions, alongside adapting to different Iiving arrangements, can produce their own anxiety, stresses or sense of loneliness. The therapy can also be a place where you can make the way you separate as constructive as possible.

After The Separation Or Divorce During and after the separation or divorce, it is usually a confusing time, so it can be a hard to think clearly. Vulnerable inside, we may become stuck or overwhelmed with anxiety and by what our future holds. We may worry about children, living arrangements, finance, loss of certain friends, who will look after us when we are unwell, the things we relied on our partner for, etc. We may need support with our powerful emotions and the psychological impact of separation or ending marriage through divorce (and having a "label" of being divorced). Lost pride may be an experience for some. The pain can seem unbearable, and it is understandable that we may feel bad or sorry for ourselves. We have suffered a loss, and mourning this for a while can be entirely appropriate. As can taking time to heal & stand on our own two feet.

Recovering From The Breakup Or Divorce It can take time to recover from the break up. For some, it can seem as if not only is the companionship, relationship or marriage broken, but so are we. It can be a time of loss, grief, heartbreak, shock, denial, hurt, pain, resentment, anger, disappointment, especially when children are involved. We may not only grieve the people & connections we've made in our relationship or marriage, but also our identity, hopes, dreams & aspirations in it. Adjusting to the loss of our familiar routines & habits may also take time, as may letting go (see Letting Go of Our Relationship Or Marriage below). Coming to terms with things, integration back to who we are - all aspects of us - may be important, as may building ourself back up, keeping our spirit alive & strong.

Letting Go Of Our Relationship Or Marriage

Letting Go Of Our Partner We may have left our partner, or they left us. One or both of us may have physically moved out. Yet emotionally we may still be tied to them. Struggling to let go, a part of us may want to and a part may not want to or be ready to do so. We may struggle to let go, move on. We may be stuck in-between half leaving them, half moving on, unable to fully let go, and this can take time. We may have strong feelings towards our partner, love or heartbreak, grief. We may have negative reactions, like resentment, disappointment. Grieving over the relationship or marriage & our partner has its own pace, and the therapy can support you in this. Some of us may not yet come to terms with the permanency of the separation. Letting go of some old routines or habits may not be easy, especially if they remind us of our ex. Avoiding some triggers which continue to remind us of our ex, e.g. redundant possessions, photographs, music, places & exploring new avenues can support us, alongside being in contact with supportive people who care about us and believe in us. Letting go of our marriage or relationship may be quite complex. Some of us can have a tough time, truly letting go of our ex and the relationship or marriage, as if we can't seem to let go fully. There may have been some very difficult or dark times, yet we may have fond memories of our partner - they may have had lots of positive aspects, and there probably were some good & memorable times together. They may have had some loving & endearing qualities. They may have given us things or taught us things, which we appreciate, as well as some things we didn't.

Relationship Breakup Or Divorce - A Period Of Readjustment & Adaptation The relationship & divorce counselling offers a personal space and opportunity to selfreflect & re-evaluate our life. Moving forward, adjusting, and adapting to new lifestyles, exploring new interests, can present fresh challenges. This may include our general wellbeing - taking care of our emotional & psychological health, how we look after ourself in terms of diet, exercising, sleep & relating with others. We may also come up against existential concerns.

Crossing A New Threshold - Time For Reflection What was once, becomes no longer. Separating or divorcing can be like a rite of passage, including: relief from anything that was toxic in our relationship or marriage, going through our fears, uncertainties, sense of alienation & loss (including the notion that the partnership was supposed to be permanent), redefining, maybe rediscovering who we are, reaching out for freedom, acquiring a sense of happiness & peace of mind. Whether the separation was amicable or antagonistic, we may be left with a sense of failure, guilt or stigma. We may have viewed endings only as bad, shameful or full of sorrow. They don't have to be. Not only is the separation or divorce an ending, it is also a new beginning. Separating can also be a transformative, positive step in moving forward, as if part of the ebb & flow of our life, regaining our own sense of self, purpose & free will, as we gain a sense of perspective & control. It can be a time to honour our own changes, transformation, wisdom, maturity, limitations, gifts & individual development. We can now explore the things we've always wanted to do, get back into contact with who we are, living to our full potential. The therapy can also be used to reflect upon these issues and others, alongside what is ours & what belongs to our ex-partner.

Role of Counselling in Relationship Resilience

• Responds to the specific issues you bring & if appropriate …
• Reviews what, for you, will make the relationship work
• Addresses assumptions, perspectives, expectations, needs, belief systems & behaviour patterns
• Reflects upon communication, any emotional difficulties, commitment issues & the way we act
• Focuses on conflict de-escalation
• Investigates redundant patterns of responding which may no longer work
• Acknowledges the paradox of being separate, yet part of a couple
• Examines the different relationship phases
• Assists in managing any disillusionment
• Looks at intimacy avoidance projected onto work, stimulants, possessions, affairs, etc
• Looks at the risking of intimacy or finding the courage to love
• Considers the effects of being a parent
• Embraces the role of passion, arousal & sex in the relationship
• Respects the search for a deeper soul connection
• Enquires into the role of forgiveness, trust & acceptance
• Pinpoints where changes & transformation may be helpful
• Acknowledges how for some "making do" may not be enough
• Allows for different relational possibilities.

Role of Counselling In Separating Or Divorcing

• Responds to the specific issues you bring & if appropriate …
• Facilitates in distinguishing between what's reaction & what's choice
• Helps clarify your feelings & the choices you make
• Helps unfold entrenched views, positions, hostilities, entitlements, expectations & any demonisation
• Assists in working through very specific concerns & unresolved issues: e.g. parenting & child access, grievances, anger diffusion, outrage, aggression, depression, hurt, pain, anxiety, stress, loneliness, grief
• Helps mourn the loss of the relationship
• Considers how to manage any powerful, overwhelming or heightened emotions
• Acknowledges the impact of the separation / divorce (e.g. anxiety, selfimage, esteem or confidence)
• Investigates the "roles" we've played & any redundant ways of responding, which may no longer work
• Discusses how communication has been & how different it may need to be in the future (e.g. how to be resilient, keeping the door open to dialogue, making reasonable decisions, role of compromise)
• Aides improving clarity of thought & future focus
• Examines how to manage any impending circumstances
• Examines ways to adjust & adapt to a new lifestyle
• Enables moving on emotionally, psychologically & practically at your own pace
• Assists in gaining a deeper understanding of what is happening for you & what your life is all about
• Considers what else might be emerging or transforming
• Allows for selfreflection of Iife patterns, re-evaluation & seeking to Iive to your full potential

… back to Relationship Problems & Marriage Counselling - Index