Counselling & Psychotherapy

Controlling Relationship Counselling, Marriage Counselling, Controlling Behaviour, Controlling Men, Controlling Boyfriend
Controlling Behaviour, Blaming & Criticism

Control Issues In The Relationship Or Marriage

Being Subtly Or Overtly Controlling Many conflicts escalate because one of us believes we have the authority to decide whether or not our partner is allowed to have a feeIing or thought. We may want to control our partner or indeed feel controlled by them and some of this may date back to our history (see also Unmet Love Needs & Neediness). We may try to find controlling ways in getting what we want from our partner, whether it is acceptance, understanding, attention, approval, affection, sex. When we are controlling we may become punishing, vindictive, coercive, bullying, withdrawing - maybe sulking, or simply intolerable to others, because we can't get our own way – what some people would call "having control issues", being a "control freak" - controlling men, controlling women. Yet inside, there may be a part of us feeling out of control, which for some may be anxiety provoking or terrifying. So we compensate through our controlling behaviour by trying to control everything around us (see Our Need To Be In Control), yet ironically the more we try to control, the more our partner tends to resist. We may now want to work through our control problems, so we no longer expect our partner to give themselves up for us. Letting go of our need to subtly or overtly control may be our challenge. Counselling & psychotherapy looks at what lays behind our need to be controlling (e.g. difficulty being loving, fear of rejection or abandonment, maybe our envy or jealousy) or what allows us to end up being controlled (see also Avoiding Difficult Feelings). When younger we may have learnt to react to different kinds of rejection we experience by blaming, getting angry, withdrawing, criticising, judging, and we may do this now to our partner.

Blame & Criticism In The Relationship

Blaming, Criticising Our Partner - What We re Doing Blaming tends to escalate into bigger arguments. Continuously bringing up old wounds with a hint of blame is unproductive. Repetitive arguments may have become the norm. When the relationship or marriage starts to become "I'm right you're wrong", "I win you lose" it fails to thrive (see Being Competitive In The Relationship Or Marriage below). The more we insist upon our point of view, our partner defends their position. Things can become entrenched. We may find fault with each other, or belittle our partner. Nit picking, some of us may critically point out flaws in our partner in the hope that they will change, yet deep down know that we can't change or control someone else. Our partner may not be as perfect as they should be. The need to control our partner may point to feeling out of control in some aspects of our own Iife (see Control Issues In The Relationship Or Marriage above).

Blaming, Criticising Our Partner - What Else We Could Do The price to pay for all this blaming & criticism may be intimacy. Our personal boundaries can also support us in not having to say everything which is on our mind, and prevent us reacting immediately to things. The counselling & psychotherapy can help us discover what's going on inside us (e.g. our own judgements), our inner loneliness, core pain, alongside the options for healthily expressing & containing our own feeIings, so we can take care of them, and own problems & behaviour, which is our responsibility. The counselling & psychotherapy may also look at non-blaming talking styles & how both you & your partner may help each other in getting their needs met, taking responsibility for our own behaviour & actions, without blaming others for our own failings. When we want to correct our partner about something, we may also want to check if our intentions are to support our partner. We can often get so caught up in situations (often linked to our past) that it can be hard to think clearly. Having some detachment form our emotions, interpretations based on our history, may support us in trying to resolve problems. This applies to the person doing the blaming, criticising, and the other on the receiving end.

On The Receiving End Of Blame, Criticism, Being Controlled Those of us who experience being controlled or who are sensitive may benefit from being in touch with and asserting their personal boundaries. In response to being prodded, blamed, frequently criticised we may try to defend, explain, justify. We may either become more compliant, withdraw, lose our sense of power - or we may resist being told what to do, feel controlled or start to blame or criticise back. Both can be caught up in a spiral of blaming & making our partner responsible for feelings & thoughts in us we would rather not have (see also Trying To Put Into Others, What We Can't Bear In Us below). When we are blamed, frequently criticised it may be hard to speak up for ourselves, protect our own space, especially those in an abusive relationship (see also Our Resilience, Hardiness & Protecting Our Personal Boundaries). Some criticism of us may be valid, providing us with way we may want to improve ourself. Accepting our own flaws & mistakes, and where possible doing something about them, may be our challenge, yet it may be important to steer clear of any criticisms which aren't helpful, not to take them personally, letting them go. (See also Communication)

Turning Our Partner Into The Enemy

Viewing Our Partner As Our Enemy Some of us may not be sure how we've arrived at this point, but we may have turned the person, we once cared for & loved, into our enemy. And when we do this, we set up a scenario, where there must be a winner & a loser in a competitive atmosphere. Cooperating, bridge building & being a team together may have been forsaken.

Projecting Onto Others

Projecting Our Needs, Hopes, Desires Onto Others When we first meet someone we can project our longing, hopes, on to them, which is something they may be unaware of, unable to meet, because they are not us.

Trying To Put Into Others, What We Can't Bear In Us We have all projected onto others our ills, unhappiness, own unwanted, dangerous or shameful thoughts, feelings, motivations, desires & actions, when we judge them as wrong or bad. Our parents, siblings & friends may have done this over the years, as we have done, often unconsciously. Like indigestible food, we may find aspects of us we find uncomfortable hard to swallow, and therefore rather than take this in, try to put it into (project onto) our partner for them to digest it themselves. And as they take it in, it is as if they have taken the bait from our hook. We may project onto our partner in subtle or explicit ways, as a way of defending ourselves from what we don't want to see, acknowledge, tolerate or can't bear. The worse we feel about ourselves, about what we do, feel or want (without taking responsibility for our own struggles), the more we may project or attack. "You are this, you are that" is usually a comment about an unacceptable part of us, because we find it hard to own & accept what is inside of us (the parts of us that we would rather not be). Some of us may become almost manipulative, trying to make others feel very sorry for us, that they shouldn't upset us, which may end up restricting both us & our partner's responses.

Receiving Our Partner's Projections Much of what our partner projects onto us may be unconscious, as may our responses. On the receiving end of our partner's projections, it can be a real challenge not to take them on or in as ours, disengage, retaliate, yet try to remain open-hearted to not only our partner, but ourself. Our personal boundaries can support us in this.

Accepting Us & Our Partner

Owning, Accepting What's Ours When we accept our projections taking them back, owning, tolerating them as ours - our own flaws, limitations, habits, behaviours, mannerisms, we may be more accepting, tolerating of those irritations, quirks, behaviours in our partner. We may also struggle to accept and acknowledge the strengths & qualities in our partner & us. When we are ready to accept our partner, we may be more in a position to have a healthy fight in the relationship or marriage.

Our Behaviour In The Relationship Or Marriage

Deteriorating Behaviour, Deteriorating Relationship Some of the ways we behave might not benefit us, our partner or the relationship. What we do has an impact on someone else and indeed us. Lobbing things at each other, a destructive cycle of bad words, wounded/wounding looks & negative body language can creep up over time. In extreme or unintended cases, what was once a caring relationship, may have become an abusive relationship or marriage. Our behaviour at times may be quite primal, and we may be ashamed of this. Sometimes we can see us doing something, and despite this, seem unable to stop (we may even remember our parents responding in similar ways).

As If We Are In A Drama Sometimes it can seem as if we are in some sort of drama with our partner. We can watch ourselves doing what we are doing as if we are powerless to do anything else. The drama may include moves can be withdrawing, attacking, getting upset, being pulled in, blaming. One or both of us may bottle things up, or explode. Some of us can almost see ourself inflicting hurt or damage on our partner, through acrimony & apathy, by withdrawing, sulking or attacking, lashing out or throwing verbal insults, shutting them out, yet seem unable to stop, as if we act out a role in our play with a script we are powerless to change. (See also Unconscious Communication In Relationship Or Marriage)

Denying Our Needs We all have needs, yet some of us can remain aloof, indifferent, denying we have any needs in an attempt to hide our vulnerability, risk intimacy or avoid uncomfortable reactions like envy & jealousy. Some of our feelings can be intolerable and we can sometimes be tempted to act on impulse or act them out - the counselling can help us with this (see also Scale Of Sensitivities). We may have lost, or fear losing loved ones because of our behaviour & may want to heal our relationship or marriage.

Behaving In Ways We Would Rather Not Wounded, we may withdraw or become harsh, angry, blaming, judgemental, stifling, controlling, overbearing, mean, avoidant, abusive, unkindly striking out at our partner. It can be challenging at times to not judge the people we love. Being harsh on our partner may indicate a harshness we have for us, as if we have our own, internal critic or judge that we find hard to bear and end up blaming our partner (see also Trying To Put Into Others, What We Can't Bear In Us above). The withholding may include not being sexual, because of resentments & grievances towards our partner. Lacking confidence, we may become defensive & want to examine our reactions & behaviour, including how we give & receive, initiate & retreat. Sometimes our behaviour may be a bid to end the relationship, struggling to end it properly. We may goad our partner just to get a reaction, testing them to see how they respond (see also Sabotaging Things). Before looking at how we behave in our relationship, counselling & psychotherapy will also address any unwanted habits or addictions that get in the way of your Iife and relationship.

On The Receiving End Of Behaviour We Find Unacceptable, Intolerable Sometimes our partner can act in ways which we can no longer accept, tolerate (see also Emotional Abuse, Possessiveness, Overdemanding, Undermining), and the bottom line for us may be to end the relationship or marriage. Relationship counselling & psychotherapy can support you in this.

Crushing Behaviour

Crushing Anything Good One of us may try to crush our partner, or we may have got into a pattern of crushing each other by behaving unlovingly, e.g. using put downs, cynicism, sarcasm, withdrawing, ignoring, judging, controlling, criticising. Physical manifestations may include rolling our eyes, continuously shrugging, sighing, turning away or not offering eye contact. If one of us is playful, spontaneous, expresses love, joy or pleasure, risks intimacy, shows vulnerability or innocence, the other has to crush it, and our heart closes. We may hold on very tightly to the relationship, that we crush anything good offered, even love. We may have learnt some of our behaviour from our own parents, vowing we won't do the same, yet finding ourselves dong it.

Competitiveness In The Relationship Or Marriage

Being Competitive In The Relationship Or Marriage One of us may keep testing the other – how far we can go, or they be pushed. When we get caught in an overly competitive "I must win" scenario, it is the relationship & marriage that suffers. We may have put more emphasis on being right or winning than loving. For some, winning can be more important than the relationship or marriage itself. It may have become so important to us to be right or better than our partner. Having the last word, trying to win arguments or make direct hits can be more important that wanting to heal the relationship, so it can be loving. Our competitiveness may be overt or covert, and some of us may find it hard to own up to being competitive. One or both may play "top dog" or indeed act like the injured party in the relationship. We can become competitive in unproductive ways by an "I'm-suffering-more-than-you" response. We may compete with our partner to hurt them more, or who can feel the most hurt. Subtle (or not so subtle) power games or emotional bullying can occur. Counselling & psychotherapy can help find out the roots of our competitiveness (e.g. hurt, revenge), examining other possible ways of relating in order to enhance the relationship or marriage. (See also Competitiveness)

Being Competitive In The Relationship Or Marriage - Other Possible Challenges Love may have been usurped by power/control struggles. We may have undervalued our own or partner's humility, fragility or simple humanness. Winning at all costs (e.g. cost of being empathic - remaining in dialogue, compassionate, loving) may be detrimental to us, our partner & the relationship as a whole. Emotions may be difficult to verbalise, hear or understand, if we are stuck in an "I'm right, you're wrong" scenario. We can perceive ourself as separate & disconnected from our partner, that there is a "you" & "me", with no "us", and from this place the relationship or marriage may become like a scoreboard, with a winner & looser. A challenge for some may be to no longer make the relationship a contest, but change our perception in building a connection, a feeling of being in things together. Choosing to love & cooperate, rather than win or compete, may be our challenge.

Giving Or Receiving "The Silent Treatment"

Using Silences, Withdrawing, "Sulking" We can use our silence as a weapon to punish our partner because they hate being ignored. One of the harshest punishments in prison is well known to be isolation. And when we isolate our partner, we are usually punishing them, or attempting to control them, which can cause fear or retaliation in them, and the relationship to erode. It can be upsetting when intimacy in the relationship retreats into non-responsiveness or silence... Silence can be used as a tool to get our partner to get what we want, the deal being we will then talk to them again. Being silent & withholding (what for some could be called sulking), can be a way of avoiding bad reactions from others or finding it hard to articulate what we are feeling, needing. When we shut down to our partner, refusing to acknowledge their presence & interact with them, we have closed our heart. Hurt or rejected, we can act as though they are invisible, giving them minimal or zero response. Our hope by treating them in this manner is that they get the message, they have displeased us. Because they've done something wrong, they deserve punishment and have our love withheld. Yet it may be our approval, which is taken away as a form of control, often because we are hurt. This may work temporarily. In any of our unloving actions we may be lonely inside, struggle to find a way back & be threatened by the relationship or marriage. When we withdraw, it is often our fear system which is aroused, which takes us out of connection with others, maybe ourselves and this can be explored in the therapy. These can be explored in the counselling & psychotherapy.

Receiving The Silent Treatment Inside we may become lonely, heartbroken, maybe angry, and reluctant to manage our own emotions, punishing our partner in return. Our own resistance may cause further problems for us, our partner, and indeed the relationship (see also Healthy Boundaries & Resilience In Relationships). When we are on the receiving end of punishment by "the silent treatment", we may initially try to please & reconnect. We may blame ourseIves & feel abandoned, allowing "the silent treatment" to control us. When this happens, it can be challenging to take full care & responsibility for us & our own feeIings, so we don't act out, which empowers us.

Putting Up Walls In The Relationship Or Marriage

Constructing Bridges Or Building Walls Alongside putting up walls of silence, we may put up walls of words (often a barrage), anger, superficial pleasantness or seductiveness. We may have become distancing in the relationship or marriage. Some of us may consistently remain remote with our partner, so we don't have to emotionally engage with them. Others may withdraw, dull or numb everything, rendering it hard for them reach out or be reached. We may not give a lot back. We may also close off, shut down, bottle things up, remain stuck in our head. The counselling & psychotherapy can explore what may lay behind your walls, any options you have to build bridges, if that is your choice. (See also Neglect & Apathy In The Relationship)

Locked Into Positions In Our Relationship

Inflexible Positions One, or both of us, can get locked into fixed positions, which may no longer work, especially when the tension builds. These entrenched positions may have become rigid & inflexible, and can create destructive cycles, so we are at loggerheads with each other, as if in a battle. In the counselling & psychotherapy we can explore how we might disengage from battling away, be more flexible in our responses. We and the relationship may have become stuck. This can include the way we feeI, think & believe, behave, and the rigid roles we take in the relationship.

Examples of stuckness may include:

• FeeIings: "You are responsible for the way I feeI"
• Thoughts & Beliefs: "If only you would...", "I deserve...", "I expect..."
• Behaviours: Controlling, withdrawing, ignoring, withholding, compliance, passivity, retaliating, constant bickering, attacking, blaming, cynicism
• Rigid roles we take or assume: "My role is to... & that's my territory, your role is to... & that's your territory" (see also Relationship Roles, Characteristics & Patterns)

Pushing Each Other's Buttons

We all have emotional sensitivities, especially if we feel invaded, disrespected, controlled or abandoned. (For details see Our Sensitivities - Pushing Each Other's Buttons)

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