Counselling & Psychotherapy

Controlling Relationship Counselling, Marriage Counselling, Controlling Behaviour, Controlling Men, Controlling Boyfriend
Controlling Behaviour, Blaming & Criticism In The Relationship

Control Issues In The Relationship Or Marriage

Many conflicts escalate because one of us believes we have the authority to decide whether or not our partner is allowed to have a feeIing or thought. We may want to control our partner or indeed feel controlled by them and some of this may date back to our history (see also Unmet Love Needs & Neediness). We may try to find controlling ways in getting what we want from our partner, whether it is acceptance, understanding, attention, approval, affection, sex. When we are controlling we can become punishing, vindictive, coercive, bullying, withdrawing - maybe sulking, or simply intolerable to others, because we can't get our own way – what some people would call a "control freak" - this applies to controlling men & controlling women. Yet inside, there may be a part of us feeling out of control, which for some may be terrifying or anxiety provoking. So we compensate through our controlling behaviour by trying to control everything around us (see Our Need To Be In Control), yet ironically the more we try to control, the more our partner tends to resist. We may now want to work through our control problems, so we no longer expect our partner to give themselves up for us. Letting go of our need to subtly or overtly control may be our challenge. Counselling & psychotherapy looks at what lays behind our need to be controlling (e.g. maybe our envy or jealousy, difficulty being loving, fear of rejection or abandonment), or what allows us to end up being controlled (see also Avoiding Difficult Feelings). Those of us who experience being controlled or who are sensitive may benefit from being in touch with and asserting their personal boundaries.

Crushing Behaviour

One of us may crush our partner, or we may have got into a pattern of crushing each other by behaving unlovingly, e.g. using put downs, cynicism, sarcasm, withdrawing, ignoring, judging, controlling, criticising. Physical manifestations may include rolling our eyes, continuously shrugging, sighing, turning away or not offering eye contact. If we or our partner are playful, spontaneous, express love, joy or pleasure, risk intimacy, show vulnerability or innocence, either we or our partner have to crush it, and our heart closes. One of us may hold on very tightly to the relationship, that we crush anything good in the process. We may have learnt some of our behaviour from our own parents, vowing we won't do the same, yet finding ourselves dong it.

Blame & Criticism In The Relationship

Blaming tends to escalate into bigger arguments. Continuously bringing up old wounds with a hint of blame is unproductive. Repetitive arguments may have become the norm. When the relationship or marriage starts to become "I'm right you're wrong", "I win you lose" it fails to thrive. Nit picking, some of us may critically point out flaws in our partner in the hope that they will change, yet deep down know that we can't change or control someone else. Our partner may not be as perfect as they should be. We may find fault with each other, or belittle our partner. The need to control our partner may point to feeling out of control in some aspects of our own Iife. The price to pay may be intimacy. In response our partner may either become more compliant, withdraw & lose their sense of power - or may resist being told what to do & feel controlled. Some of us can be caught up in a spiral of blaming & making our partner responsible for feelings & thoughts in us we would rather not have. Our partner may be challenged to speak up for themselves & protect their own space, especially those in an abusive relationship (see also Our Resilience, Hardiness & Protecting Our Personal Boundaries). Our personal boundaries can also support us in not having to say everything which is on our mind, and prevent us reacting immediately to things. The counselling & psychotherapy can help us discover what's going on inside us (e.g. being judgemental), our inner loneliness, core pain, alongside the options for healthily expressing & containing our own feeIings, so we can take care of them, and own problems & behaviour is our responsibility. The counselling & psychotherapy may also look at non-blaming talking styles & how both you & your partner may facilitate each other in getting their needs met, taking responsibility for our own behaviour & actions, without blaming others for our own failings. Accepting our own flaws & mistakes, and where possible doing something about them, may be our challenge. (See also Communication)

Projecting Onto Others Our Own ills & Unhappiness

We have all projected onto others our own unwanted, dangerous or shameful thoughts, feelings, motivations, desires & actions, when we judge them as wrong or bad. Our parents, siblings & friends may have done this over the years, as we have done, often unconsciously. We may project onto our partner in subtle or explicit ways, as a way of defending ourselves from what we don't want to see, acknowledge, tolerate or can't bear. The worse we feel about ourselves, about what we do, feel or want (without taking responsibility for our own struggles), the more attacking we can become. "You are this, you are that" is usually a comment about an unacceptable part of us, because we find it hard to own & accept what is inside of us (the parts of us that we would rather not be). Some of us may become almost manipulative, trying to make others feel very sorry for ourselves, that they shouldn't upset us, which may end up restricting our partner's responses. Like indigestible food, we may find it hard to swallow, and therefore rather than take this in, try to put it into (project onto) our partner for them to digest it themselves. And as they take it in, it is as if they have taken the bait from our hook. On the receiving end of our partner's projections, it can be a real challenge not to take them on or in as ours, disengage, retaliate, yet try to remain open-hearted to not only our partner, but ourself.

Accepting Our Partner

When we accept our projections taking them back, owning, tolerating them as ours - our own flaws, limitations, habits, behaviours, mannerisms, we may be more accepting, tolerating of those irritations, mannerisms, behaviours in our partner.

Our Behaviour In The Relationship Or Marriage

Some of the ways we behave might not benefit us, our partner or the relationship. What we do has an impact on someone else and indeed us. Lobbing things at each other, a destructive cycle of bad words, wounded/wounding looks & negative body language can creep up over time. In extreme cases, what was once a caring relationship, may have become an abusive relationship or marriage. Sometimes we can see us doing something, and despite this, seem unable to stop (we may even remember our parents responding in similar ways). Our behaviour at times may be quite primal, and we may be ashamed of this.

Sometimes it can seem as if we are in some sort of dance with our partner. The dance moves can be withdrawing, attacking, getting upset, being pulled in, blaming. One or both of us may bottle things up, or explode.

We all have needs, yet some of us can remain aloof, indifferent or deny our neediness in an attempt to hide our vulnerability, risk intimacy or avoid uncomfortable reactions like envy & jealousy. Some of our feelings can be intolerable and we can sometimes be tempted to act on impulse or act them out - the counselling can help us with this (see also Scale Of Sensitivities). We may have lost, or fear losing loved ones because of our behaviour & may be desperate to heal our relationship or marriage.

Wounded, we may withdraw or become harsh, angry, blaming, judgemental, stifling, controlling, overbearing, mean, avoidant, abusive, unkindly striking out at our partner. It can be challenging at times to not judge the people we love. Being harsh on our partner may indicate a harshness we have for us, as if we have our own, internal critic that we find hard to bear and end up blaming our partner. Some of us can almost see ourself inflicting hurt or damage on our partner, through acrimony & apathy, by withdrawing, withholding, sulking or attacking, lashing out or throwing verbal insults, shutting them out, yet seem unable to stop, as if we act out a role in our play with a script we are powerless to change. We may goad our partner just to get a reaction, testing them to see how they respond (see also Sabotaging Things). The withholding may include not being sexual, because of resentments & grievances towards our partner. Lacking confidence, we may become defensive & want to examine our reactions & behaviour, including how we give & receive, initiate & retreat. Sometimes our behaviour is a bid to end the relationship, struggling to end it properly. Before looking at how we behave in our relationship, counselling & psychotherapy will also address any unwanted habits or addictions that get in the way of your Iife and relationship.

Sometimes our partner can act in ways which we can no longer accept, and the bottom line for us may be to end the relationship or marriage. Relationship counselling & psychotherapy can support you in this.

Competitiveness In The Relationship Or Marriage

It may have become so important to us to be right or better than our partner. We may have undervalued our own or partner's humility, fragility or simple humanness. When we get caught in a "I must win" scenario, it is the relationship & marriage that suffers. Winning at all costs (e.g. cost of being empathic - remaining in dialogue, compassionate, loving) may be detrimental to us, our partner & the relationship as a whole. Our competitiveness may be overt or covert, and some of us may find it hard to own up to being competitive. Choosing to love, rather than win or compete, may be our challenge. Counselling & psychotherapy can help find out the roots of your competitiveness (e.g. hurt, revenge), examining other possible ways of relating in order to enhance the relationship or marriage. (See also Competitiveness)

Giving Or Receiving "The Silent Treatment"

It can be upsetting when intimacy in the relationship retreats into non-responsiveness or silence... Silence can be used as a tool to get our partner to get what we want, the deal being we will then talk to them again. Being silent & withholding, can also be a way of avoiding bad reactions from others. We can also use our silence as a weapon to punish our partner because they hate being ignored. One of the harshest punishments in prison is well known to be isolation. And when we isolate our partner, we are usually punishing them, or attempting to control them, which can cause fear or retaliation in them, and the relationship to erode. When we shut down to our partner, refusing to acknowledge their presence & interact with them, we have closed our heart. Hurt or rejected, we can act as though they are invisible, giving them minimal or zero response. Our hope by treating them in this manner is that they get the message, they have displeased us. Because they've done something wrong, they deserve punishment and have our love withheld. Yet it is our approval, which is taken away as a form of control, often because we are hurt. This may work temporarily, but inwardly our partner can be lonely and heartbroken, becoming angry, and reluctant to manage their own emotions, punishing us in return. Their own resistance may cause problems for themselves, their partner, and indeed the relationship (see also Healthy Boundaries & Resilience In Relationships).

When we are on the receiving end of punishment by "the silent treatment", we may initially try to please & reconnect. We may blame ourseIves & feel abandoned, allowing "the silent treatment" to control us. When this happens, taking full care & responsibility for us & our own feeIings, so we don't act out, can be a challenge, which empowers us.

Putting Up Walls In The Relationship Or Marriage

Alongside putting up walls of silence, we may put up walls of anger, superficial pleasantness or seductiveness. We may have become distancing in the relationship or marriage. Some of us may consistently remain remote with our partner, so we don't have to emotionally engage with them. Others may dull or numb everything, rendering it hard for them reach out or be reached. We may also close off, shut down, bottle things up, remain stuck in our head.

Apologising In The Relationship Or Marriage

Some of us find it difficult to forgive or say "sorry" and others are always apologising (see also Apologising)

Procrastination In The Relationship Or Marriage

Some of us use procrastination (putting things off or avoiding things – see also Procrastination, Motivation, Indecisiveness & Lateness) as a shield or weapon in our relationship in order to control or avoid things. We can make it difficult for people to know we are doing it on purpose. We may resent requests or not like being told what to do, how to do it, yet feel uncomfortable saying that. And in our reaction we can refuse to respond & use procrastination to control when we accomplish tasks. We may struggle to talk about things, so we let them go, yet inside they affect us & our partner. Standing up, asserting ourselves, saying "No" or expressing our anger may be our struggle, as we believe confrontation may make things worse (see also Avoiding Conflict, Fear Of Confrontation & Assertiveness). Anything to avoid an argument. We can also avoid contact so as not to be asked something we would rather not do. We may believe our partner hasn't the right to make demands of us. And even if they do, the tone and manner they are using puts us off. Inside we may be full of fear, dread or rage. Holding our anger in, we may also use silence as a controlling technique ...

Pushing Each Other's Buttons

We all have emotional sensitivities, especially if we feel invaded, disrespected, controlled or abandoned. (For details see Our Sensitivities - Pushing Each Other's Buttons)

Having The Fight In The Relationship Or Marriage

Some couples avoid disagreements, differences or fights at all costs. How we disagree or have a fair fight may be challenging. In the early stages of our relationship or marriage, we may have avoided conflict or show vulnerability. We may have tried to keep things safe, comfortable, yet avoid getting too close for fear of losing our partner or upsetting them, yet somehow things now may have become stuck. We may expect or resent certain things, finding it hard to express certain emotions or needs. We may have got sucked into something or got into familiar routines, that stop our own vitality. Sometimes taking the gloves off, dropping our barriers down, risking rejection, opening our heart, having the fight, really listening to our partner, expressing who we are, what matters to us, being real, angry without blaming, compassionate, honest & vulnerable, taking responsibility, truly accepting our differences, can be a healing process in the relationship or marriage. A different level of intimacy can be established. (See also Communication, Conflict & Empathy In The Relationship Or Marriage)

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