Counselling & Psychotherapy

Relationship Counselling, Marriage Counselling, Relationship Problems, Marriage Problems, Central London, Camden
Controlling, Blaming & Criticism In The Relationship Or Marriage

Our Behaviour In The Relatioship Or Marriage

We all have needs, yet some of us can remain aloof, indifferent, cynical or deny our neediness in an attempt to hide our vulnerability, risk intimacy or avoid uncomfortable reactions like envy & jealousy. Sometimes we can see us doing something, and despite this seem unable to stop (we may even remember our parents responding in similar ways). Some of the ways we behave might not benefit us, our partner or the relationship. A cycle of bad words, wounded/wounding looks & negative body language can creep up over time. In extreme cases, what was once a caring relationship, may have become an abusive relationship or marriage.

Some of our feelings can be intolerable and we can sometimes be tempted to act on impulse or act them out - the counselling can help us with this (see also Our Sensitivities - Pushing Each Other's Buttons). We may have lost, or fear losing loved ones because of our behaviour & may be desperate to heal our relationship or marriage.

We can become harsh or angry, blaming or judgmental, stifling, controlling, overbearing, mean, avoidant, unkind or abusive, unkindly striking out at our partner. Some of us can almost see ourself inflicting hurt or damage on our partner, through acrimony & apathy, by withdrawing, withholding, sulking or attacking, lashing out or throwing verbal insults, shutting them out, yet seem unable to stop, as if we act out a role in our play with a script we are powerless to change. We may goad our partner just to get a reaction, testing them to see how they respond. The withholding may include not being sexual, because of resentments & grievances towards our partner. Lacking confidence, we may become defensive & want to explore our reactions & behaviour, including how we give & receive, initiate & retreat. Sometimes our behaviour is a bid to end the relationship, struggling to end it properly. Before looking at how we behave in our relationship, counselling & psychotherapy will also explore any unwanted habits or addictions that get in the way of your Iife and relationship.

Control Issues In The Relationship Or Marriage

Many conflicts escalate because one of us believes we have the authority to decide whether or not our partner is allowed to have a feeIing or thought. We may want to control our partner or indeed feel controlled by them and some of this may date back to our history (see also Unmet Love Needs & Neediness). When we are controlling we can become punishing, bullying, withdrawing or simply intolerable to others, because we can't get our own way – what some people would call a "control freak". Yet inside, there may be a part of us feeling out of control, which for some may be terrifying or anxiety provoking. So we compensate by trying to control everything around us (see Our Need To Be In Control. Counselling & psychotherapy explores what lays behind our need to be controlling, or allows us to be controlled (see also Avoiding Difficult Feelings).

Procrastination In The Relationship Or Marriage

Some of us use procrastination (putting things off or avoiding things – see also Procrastination, Difficulties Choosing, Deciding, Acting, Completing) as a shield or weapon in our relationship in order to control or avoid things. We can make it difficult for people to know we are doing it on purpose. We may resent requests or not like being told what to do, how to do it, yet feel uncomfortable saying that. And in our reaction we can refuse to respond & use procrastination to control when we accomplish tasks. Standing up, asserting ourselves, saying "No" or expressing our anger may be our struggle, as we believe confrontation may make things worse. Anything to avoid an argument. We can also avoid contact so as not to be asked something we would rather not do. We may believe our partner hasn't the right to make demands of us. And even if they do the tone and manner they are using puts us off. Inside we may be full of fear, dread or rage. Holding inverted anger we may also use silence as a controllig technique …

Giving Or Receiving "The Silent Treatment"

Silence can be used as a tool to get our partner to get what we want, the deal being we will then talk to them again. Being silent & withholding, can also be a way of avoiding bad reactions from others. We can also use our silence as a weapon to punish our partner because they hate being ignored. One of the harshest punishments in prison is well known to be isolation. And when we isolate our partner, we are usually punishing them, or attempting to control them, which can cause fear or retaliation in them, and the relationship to erode. When we shut down to our partner, refusing to acknowledge their presence & interact with them, we have closed our heart. Hurt or rejected, we can act as though they are invisible, giving them minimal or zero response. Our hope by treating them in this manner is that they get the message, they have displeased us. Because they've done something wrong, they deserve punishment and have our love withheld. Yet it is our approval, which is taken away as a form of control. This may work temporarily, but inwardly our partner can be lonely and heartbroken, becoming angry, and reluctant to manage their own emotions, punishing us in return. Their own resistance may cause problems for themselves, their partner, and indeed the relationship (see also Healthy Boundaries & Resilience In Relationships).

When we are on the receiving end of punishment by "the silent treatment", we may initially try to please & reconnect. We may blame ourseIves & feel abandoned, allowing "the silent treatment" to control us. When this happens, taking full care & responsibility for us & our own feeIings can be a challenge, which empowers us (see Self-Responsibility).

Pushing Each Other's Buttons

We all have emotional sensitivities, especially if we feel invaded, disrespected, controlled or abandoned. (For details see Our Sensitivities - Pushing Each Other's Buttons)

Blame & Criticism In The Relationship

Some of us may critically point out flaws in our partner in the hope that they will change, yet deep down know that we can't change or control someone else. We may find fault with each other, or belittle our partner. The need to control our partner may point to feeling out of control in some aspects of our own Iife. The price to pay may be intimacy. In response our partner may either become more compliant, withdraw & lose their sense of power - or may resist being told what to do & feel controlled. Some of us can be caught up in a spiral of blaming & making our partner responsible for feelings & thoughts in us we would rather not have. Our partner may be challenged to speak up for themselves & protect their own space, especially those in an abusive relationship (see also Our Resilience, Hardiness & Protecting Our Personal Boundaries). The psychotherapy can help in exploring what's going on inside us, our inner loneliness, alongside the options for healthily expressing & containing our own feeIings, and taking care of us. (See also Communication)

Apologising In The Relationship Or Marriage

Some of us find it difficult to forgive or say "sorry" and others are always apologising (see also Apologising)

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