Counselling & Psychotherapy

Relationship Counselling, Marriage Counselling, Emotional Abuse in Relationships, Central London, Camden
Emotional Abuse, Possessiveness, Overdemanding, Undermining

Undermining In The Relationship Or Marriage

Being Undermining When small things matter in our relationship or marriage it can help to speak about them, so they don't build up. Minor problems can become major ones if unchecked for too long, they could fester & grow out of proportion. It can be important to identify issues, communicate well & try to resolve problems early. Yet we may frequently quibble & argue over small things, or nitpick about unnecessary details. Fault finding, we may have begun to hound them, over & over again, because we are irritated often about our partner's quirky habits or annoying behaviour. Accommodating these may be challenging. If we get into a relentless habit of quibbling & nitpicking for the sake of it, then it can become alienating (and often our partner switches off anyway, especially when it becomes emotionally draining). We may have been on the receiving end of being undermined when younger, yet find ourselves dong it now. We may also subtly undermine our partner in gentle or not so gentle ways. Our undermining can be difficult to pin on us, because we may present it as innocuous, or with "I didn't really mean it - I was only joking" response. We may end up undermining our partner and may have overlooked being respectful, engaging in conversation & discussion. Having gentle digs at our partner, or using put downs, not only undermines them, but erodes the foundation of the relationship or marriage. We may end up distracting from the bigger picture - what's important & what really matters for us a couple. A different way of communicating may be called for. Underneath any undermining may be our need to discuss other struggles which may be difficult to articulate. When younger we may have vowed never to be like our parents, yet we find ourselves responding in similar ways.

Possessiveness In The Relationship Or Marriage

Wanting Our Partner For Us, Only Us Some of us may want the full attention of our partner without respecting their own autonomy, difference & separateness, wanting to control them. We may hold beliefs that our partner belongs to us in certain ways, and that they have no right to have other passions, interests or to share themselves with others, that they should only be giving to us, that if they loved us, they would choose to spend all their time with us. Our own envy or jealousy may well be in play.

Being Overdemanding Of Our Partner

Overdemanding When we become overdemanding of our partner, we are usually overdemnading of ourselves, and this can be explored in the therapy.

Emotionally Abusive Relationships

Emotional Abuse In Relationships Unintentionally, or indeed intentionally, one or both of us may be carelessly undermining or injuring our partner's esteem. Most relationships don't start off being emotionally abusive. It can also be hard to admit we have allowed this to happen. Sometimes the abuse can be obvious, other times subtle, e.g. verbal insults. Things may have got subtly & progressively worse, or have become extreme, and you may be in an abusive relationship now, where what was once a strength in us has become domination. We may be an emotionally abusive partner, or be living with one. Both of us may be emotionally abusive. Sometimes it can be hard to believe that we are experiencing abuse or are being abusive. Repeated patterns of emotional abuse may unknowingly have their roots from childhood.

Emotionally Abusive Men An emotionally abusive husband or partner.

Emotionally Abusive Women An emotionally abusive wife or partner.

On The Receiving End Of Abuse In order to have power over us, our partner may try to control us - what we do, say, how we look, who we see or cut us off from friends or family, seeking to drive a wedge between us & people close to us. They may force us to make a choice between them & others we care about. If we are not careful, we may end up becoming isolated. Not valuing who we are we may end up being intimidated or bullied by others. We may have decided we have stayed in an unhealthy or abusive relationship too long, consider leaving, yet fear being alone. We may have unknowingly taught our partner how to treat us by tolerating their disrespect - giving them a message that it is OK for them to treat us this way.

Our Role Some of us may also wonder how come we are in an abusive situation. Echoes of abuse may have happened previously in our past, which have influenced us & our reactions now. Some of our own responses and the way the dynamics of our relationship has been set up may be unhelpful. The therapy can support you in becoming self-empowered & responsible, with your sense of esteem, and willingness to change things, if that is your choice.

Drama Triangle of Victim, Rescuer, Persecutor

Drama Triangle (developed by Stephen Karpman) Often determined by influences of our past, the familiar roles we have in our relationship or marriage may often be different to the ones we have at work or socially. When one or both of us are in these roles they can cause pain, loss of personal power, a distorted sense of love, a sense of shame or unworthiness & dysfunctional behaviour. A relationship or marriage can often get set up when one or both partners get into fixed or rotating positions of superiority (rescuer, persecutor) or become put upon as a victim. We can switch back & forth from these three positions. For example, if we are trying to please others, and they don't show us appreciation, or respond how we would like them to, we can switch from being upset to attacking. As if acting from a script (the dramas can be little ones, or huge), we may not always be aware we (or our partner) are doing this, and the roots of these roles may stem from our childhood, even passed down through generations. Letting go of these roles may be challenging.

The Victim or Martyr in us becomes submissive in order to keep safe. Martyring ourself can be a very difficult place to come out of. Yet if we are not careful we can become like a doormat and whatever we do for others is never enough. When threatened we may give in to avoid confrontation. We find it hard to stand upright & assert who we are, believing our needs don't count. Putting our own things off, struggling to be in touch with and doing what's important may also be familiar to us. Unable to make & stick to decisions, maybe with a sense of helplessness, we can struggle to take responsibility for our own emotions. We may also be controlled by others, overly sensitive or become wishy-washy. The victim in us tends to have a false sense of unworthiness, feel sorry for themselves & be passive-aggressive. We may end up apologising, yet not really mean it. It can be a challenge not to expect others to rescue us, taking responsibility for our thoughts & actions, and to state clearly & firmly our needs, without going to our familiar helpless state. Even though we may feel defeated, the martyr in us may always have to do more, where everything becomes long, hard & difficult, a burden. We may complain we are being controlled, that we are powerless in what the world is doing to us. Stopping blaming others, no longer trapped in our unhealed wounds & asserting who we are may be our challenge. How we judge us & others may also affect how we remain in this role of victim or martyr. The therapy can help us to find ways to handle conflict & confrontation, alongside how we can take care of us, be in touch with our own free will. How you move out of this role, wondering what lessons can be learnt, can be worked through in the counselling & psychotherapy.

The Rescuer Or Saviour role can be addictive, because we can feel good in trying to help or rescue others - see also Caretaking - Codependency (Co-Dependency). Sensitive, we can try so hard, giving so much to make things better for our partner, but never quite succeed. We may take on a role of saving others - the saviour. We may try to take personal responsibility for their moods, feelings (see also Enmeshment). In relationships we may do anything, so as not to upset our partner. Our role of rescuer boosts our esteem - we are important. We can take the moral high ground - "We are the good guy, we know best". Yet we can switch from rescuer to perpetrator or victim, when others do not respond positively to our rescuing role. We can end up resenting & blaming our partner for not appreciating all what we are doing for them, becoming a persecutor. And our actions (of rescuing & attacking) stop them taking care of themselves. Counselling & psychotherapy can explore with you how the hooks of manipulation & guilt may play a role. The counselling also supports you in stepping out of these controlling roles and provides the space for you to address your own problems, emotions & need to be liked, instead of focusing on others, so the care you give is also for you. The rescuer may:

• Try to solve or fix things, or please others
• Help others in order to reduce their own anxieties or personal fears of abandonment, rejection - it keeps the rescuer nice & safe, avoiding their own problems & uncomfortable emotions ("They have all the problems, I don't. They are anxious, I am not")
• Be stuck with a false sense of superiority, by being so unselfish for the good of someone else
• Blame others (sometimes becoming the perpetrator) for their problems, refusing to address their own
• Become guilty & lost (role–deprived) when unable to be involved or solve other people's problems (our guilt may be a strong driver to rescue others even further)
• Become martyr-like or depressed, with a lost sense of who we are
• Have a strong sense of entitlement towards the victim - "after all I've done for you" (we may in turn become a victim, believing we have been taken advantage of)

The Persecutor or Perpetrator in us seeks safety by putting others down or hurting them. Attacking others may become our defence. It may be hard for us to acknowledge our emotional bullying. The more desperate we are, the more tyrant-like we become. At times we may not even realise that we have become emotionally bullying. Angry or rageful we can sense a rush of adrenaline. It can be very tough for us to acknowledge we get into this "dictator" role, have damaged others, that we don't always need to be right (see Competitiveness In The Relationship Or Marriage), that it's OK to be vulnerable and that we might need help through counselling & psychotherapy. (See also Bullying)

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