UK Council for Psychotherapy

UKCP

Accredited Psychotherapist

British Association for
Counselling & Psychotherapy

BACP

Accredited Counsellor

Relationship Counselling
Central London, Camden, Kings Cross, London NW1
Glen Gibson - Dip. Counselling, MA Psychotherapy, Dip. Psychotherapy
UKCP & mBACP Accredited Relationship Counsellor & Marriage Counsellor

therapy@counselling-london.org.uk 020 7916 1342

Relationship Counselling & Marriage Counselling London

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Please note, for relationship counselling, marriage counselling, marriage guidance, relationship advice & marriage advice I only see individuals who want to work through their own marriage or relationship problems.
I don't see couples for relationship counselling or marriage counselling.

Relationship Counselling, Marriage Counselling, therapy jealousy, counselling for jealousy, jealousy counseling, psychotherapy jealousy, Central London, Camden
Overcoming Jealousy & Envy In The Relationship, Marriage

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Effects Of Previous & Future Relationships

Our Past Relationships Historically, some of us may have experienced one of our parents seeing someone else, having an affair or our parents separated, divorced and the feeling we had around this may continue to affect us now. Also, the effects of our previous relationships (see also Fear Of Commitment In A Relationship - Frequently Thinking Of Someone Else Or Others), influence of our past, future hopes and desires, can be discussed in the relationship counselling and marriage counselling. Some of us may be holding on to a lot of baggage from our previous relationship or marriage. Getting over previous relationships, so we are open to our current one, can be a stumbling block. We may have not recovered from our heart being previously broken. "Never again" might be our mantra. Continuously comparing our partner (maybe unfavourably) with a previous partner, we may hanker for past lovers. We can project feeIings from previous relationships onto our current partner. Unsatisfied, we may continuously search for new partners, believing that there is always someone better around the corner - "the grass is always greener on the other side", so as never to fully commit to our current relationship.

Our Partner's Past Relationships, Sexual Past We may also struggle to accept our partner having a sexual life before us, including all that this brings up for us, our fantasies. Becoming jealous, or even angry, we may be curious, wanting to know every detail in a masochistic way, yet also not want to know. Hand on heart many of us may have had sexual experiences we haven't always been proud of and may not feel like disclosing everything. Yet some of us may feel excluded if our own partner has had a life with someone else before us. Insecure inside (often about our own sexual experiences), we may be jealous, envious of our partner's previous relationships, sexual history as if we have somehow been betrayed (that we somehow wanted to be the first), wanting to feel we are the only special one, despite our irrationality, we may unhelpfully compare ourselves. Holding expectations about our partner's sexual fidelity, we may on the surface, be casually curious about their past sex life, hanging on to our partner's every word, painfully wanting to know more, yet secretly inside become scared, anguished (often affecting our appetite - being eaten up by jealousy, affecting our sleep, solar plexus or experience other physical symptoms). This can be fuelled by a social network obsession. Preoccupied, we may subtly or intrusively interrogate our partner further trying to get them to disclose the details of their sexual past. Obsessed, we may try to find out the numbers, even positions (see also Cycle Of Sexual Dissatisfaction - Staying In Our Head Or Overly Focused On Sex, Climax, Orgasm, Outcomes, Performance, Techniques, Goals, Positions, Genitals, Stuck In Over-Familiar Roles). We may become panicky (as thoughts, fantasies - often negative ones, circulate our head), judgemental, angry or rageful (even hating them at times, as if they are the one who has caused our bad feelings). Consumed by jealousy, we may store up what they tell us for future ammunition in arguments. We may imagine them with someone else, unhelpfully comparing ourselves as our esteem erodes, maybe imagining how we'd feel if we bumped into their ex-partner.

Our Partner's Past Relationships, Sexual Past, Envy & Jealousy In the relationship counselling we may want to explore why we bring up past relationships. Our feelings can become out of control. We may become possessive as if our partner belongs to us - they have to be ours, that no one else should share them - even from their past (they themselves may have trouble getting over their ex, which may compound our jealousy). We may be caught in a grip of jealousy and this can seem like a curse, as if there is no way out. Scared inside, we may have an unbearable fear of destroying what we have, imagining and replaying old things over, even possible future scenarios, believing we have to end this relationship as the only means of escaping from our torment or even as a way of punishing them. Yet because we are committed to our partner and future with the sexual focus on each other now and acknowledging our current partner's decision to choose us doesn't mean we are entitled to access to their full sexual history as if they must share all their previous sexual encounters (see also Impact Of What We Say). Rather than obsessing about the details of our partner's relationships, sexual past we may want to pay attention to improving what we have now, to be explored, cherished, that our partner has chosen us now and get to know them better and move forward together (see also Talking About Our Sexual Feelings, Needs, Desires, With Our Partner).

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Envy & Jealousy In The Relationship Or Marriage

O, beware, my lord, of jealousy; It is the green-ey'd monster... William Shakespeare

Sometimes jealousy is justified is our partner is over-flirtatious, is not monogamous if we are and this for some may be a good reason to leave and seek someone more compatible with our own needs.

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Envy & jealousy are not a problem in themselves, in fact they can also have benefits. When aware of our envy, jealousy, giving it its rightful, proportionate place, we can take charge and respond to things with positive attitude, remain empowered, motivated. What we do with our envy and jealousy may be a problem, and the relationship counselling and marriage therapy can be a place to help look at the corrosive effects of what we do with our envy and jealousy, and investigate alternative ways of responding. It can be as if there are two sides of us - a rational and free spirited side, and another, who can feel crushed. From this jealous place our mind can take over and we can develop all or nothing thinking, as our anxiety needs a hook, and that hook is jealousy, envy. Our untamed envy or jealousy can be destructive of our partner, our rival and us - going to such lengths to diminish the other or us. By now we may be seeking jealousy help, envy treatment. Our envy and jealousy can devastate intimacy, push the very people we care about away. Questioning why our partner would choose us (maybe overusing social media), we compare us to others (real or imagined) ensuring we come off second best, because our rival has more to offer, is more significant - has a better body, are more attractive, sexier, more powerful, understanding, less tired, etc. Some of us attempt doing the exact opposite - trying to assure ourselves we are better than them. Our preoccupied state of irrational mind can become fixated and we can become in torment, or imprisoned. Justifying our actions we may experience love one minute (admiration), and hate the next (the need to attack or destroy). How to deal with jealousy can really test us. We may feeI doomed, helpless, impotent, inferior, inadequate, disadvantaged, worthless and confused. Physically we may feel burdened by it all or nauseous, as it catches us by the throat. Our envy and jealousy can be corrosive on us or others. Jealousy counselling can explore your jealousy issues, what may lay behind them, how lack of confidence or esteem, insecurity and fear gets played out in our relationship, and support you in overcoming jealousy. Struggling to take responsibility for our own feelings, we may be creating a high maintenance relationship, be consumed by a whole range of primal emotions, moods, many of which we "project" onto our partner:

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Jealousy Jealousy is not a sign of love but more a sign of our insecurities and it doesn't feel good and may creep in our relationship and be the basis of frequent arguments. How to stop being jealous may not come easy to us and the jealousy counselling can help unpick this. We may believe that jealousy is part of love yet if we love someone we want them to be happy even if this means with another. We may feel anxious, mistrusting or a yearning inside. We may feel irrationally insecure that our partner is flirting, cheating on us. Our jealousy entails a triangular relationship including a real or imagined rivalrous third person. When someone else crosses or comes into our partner's life in whatever form, we may fear that they want to possess our partner, often believing our partner will leave us for them. (Previous partners in our partner's life can muddy the waters. We can replay past events, which re-wound us.) Jealousy can be unbearable and debilitating - eating away at us. Our jealousy can take us over physically, typically in the pit of our stomach. Picking up a thread, our jealous thoughts can tumble, as we anchor them in our head, ruminate, over-react, misinterpret, assume things. We can imagine future scenarios with numerous scripts. Some of us may seek a symbiotic or codependent relationship with our partner and can start worrying as soon as our partner is away from us. Obsessiveness, preoccupation and frequent (often secret) checking up on our partner may result. Suspicious, we can't bear not knowing everything about them - all their movements and actions, even what they are thinking. Insecure, maybe doubting we are good enough, untrusting and feeling unsafe we can become depressed at times as our life force and power erodes. We can forget what else is important for us. We may withdraw or become rageful towards our partner. How to stop jealousy may now be our priority. The marriage counselling for jealousy and jealousy therapy may also consider our own emotional dependency needs. The therapy may also consider how control or possessiveness plays out in our life, alongside our positive and negative projections. Gaining insight from our feelings of jealousy, releasing ourselves and letting go may also be an important part of the therapy, as may ways of reducing jealousy.

I was dreaming of the past
and my heart was beating fast
I began to lose control
I began to lose control
I didn't mean to hurt you
I'm sorry that I made you cry
Oh my I didn't want to hurt you
I'm just a jealous guy

I was feeling insecure
You might not love me anymore
I was shivering inside
I was shivering inside
Oh I didn't mean to hurt you
I'm sorry that I made you cry
Oh my I didn't want to hurt you
I'm just a jealous guy

I was trying to catch your eyes
I thought that you were trying to hide
I was swallowing my pain
I was swallowing my pain
I didn't mean to hurt you
I'm sorry that I made you cry
Oh my I didn't want to hurt you
I'm just a jealous guy
John Lennon

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Our Jealousy, Envy & Internal World Our jealousy, envy can be seen as about us and not them (and ironically we may be pushing our partner further and further away). Our love may cease to be healthy when our jealousy takes over, especially if we are in a relationship where the love is unrequited. One double-bind may be that the greater we love someone, the greater our jealousy. We may have a further double-bind that if we expose our envy or jealousy, we will be humiliated, yet if we conceal them, we are secretive and sneaky. Sensitive inside our buttons can get easily pressed. We may fear loss, rejection, abandonment or that our partner may leave and we may be reminded of past separations, betrayal or hurt (see also Unhealed Wounds and Our Sensitivities - Pushing Each Other's Buttons). We may have bouts of uncontrollable jealousy, envy, which can be debilitating. Our perceptions become distorted, they can become fantasies and our options seem negative affecting our self-esteem, compounded by continuously comparing ourself with others, as if we are not good enough, defective in some way. As if only our partner makes our life worth living, our sense of worth, interests, sex life may diminish, as may our sense of self - our separateness, centredness and groundedness and we may struggle with a me, you and us. As if in a trance or in some sort of repetition compulsion, without always knowing it is our own envy and jealousy, our behaviour can become irrational, as we get angry into jealous rages, frustrated or uncomfortable with our partner. Humiliated inside, we turn criticism, hatred towards ourselves, experiencing loss of confidence and esteem. What may lay underneath our envy and jealousy may also need to be explored in the relationship counselling and marriage therapy. The counselling for jealousy and envy can also be a space to consider:

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Jealousy, and especially envy, are often seen as socially unacceptable, a taboo. We have all felt inferior, inadequate, envious or jealous at times. and if we allow them to take us over, our behaviour can be affected and we can become infantile. We may stifle our needs and expression of love, and intensify our hatred, because it may be less painful to bear than our ambivalent feelings of envy, jealousy and love. We may even try to act superior, omnipotent or better than others and go to great lengths trying to stir up others to be envious or jealous of us. We may devalue ourself (or the other person), so we don't have to experience our envy, or deny our need for other people. Some of us may try to demonise another, so we don't have to be envious. Conversely, we may idealise someone, yet feel envious and jealous inside. Other ways of responding to jealousy, envy can be discussed in the relationship therapy and marriage counselling.

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Our envy is between us and someone else - what they have, their qualities or possessions, which we lack. (Our social media obsession can feed our envy.) When envious, we may desire these qualities in others - who they are or what they have, as if the they have worth and we don't, yet believe or fear we can't or don't have these qualities. Our envy can get in the way of fostering friendships. We may be seeking ways to deal with envy. The counselling for envy may also help uncover what else may be going on inside, how we value our own self-worth and essence. Skillfully harnessing, transforming any toxic or corrosive envy (especially if what others do, achieve, is simply not attainable by us) into emulative envy may support us if we accept where others are in their lives - their achievements, respect them yet acknowledge our own desires, longing, which points us towards what motivates, inspires us, our own values, goals, focusing our attention on what is personally attainable for us

On The Receiving End Of Envy & Jealousy The effects of being on the receiving end of jealousy and envy can be confusing, leave us with many uncomfortable feelings, which can be aired in the relationship counselling and marriage counselling for jealousy. We may take others' behaviour personally, as if it is about us. We may blame ourselves or hold on to false beliefs, as if there is something wrong or bad about us. Coping with jealousy may now be important for us. We may feel controlled, invaded, mistrusted and claustrophobic, almost as if imprisoned at times, angry and exasperated. It can be as if we can't be who we are, have fun or be spontaneous. We may become vulnerable, helpless, sad, unseen, controlled (see Our Sensitivities - Pushing Each Other's Buttons) and struggle to shine or be proud of who we are or our accomplishments. We may feel heartbroken when we are being treated badly, and feel helpless over their feelings, behaviour. Taking responsibility for our helplessness, loneliness and other feelings, may support us and the counselling for jealousy can also offer support in these.

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Jealousy Counselling & Psychotherapy may start off listening to what's happening for us in our feelings, needs, beliefs (maybe not feeling good enough for our partner - fearing our partner will leave us, won't love us enough), exploring our relationship style (often anxious) and supports us in building our own confidence, esteem in ourself and in our relationship, feeling empowered and compassionate with ourself and our partner, exploring ways we can calmly express our feelings without the hostile charge of anger, accusations, so solutions can be found, with our own sense of Self and separateness, rediscovering our lightheartedness, playfulness, carefreeness, laughter, fun and our sense of humour again.

Questions about envy and jealousy in our relationship or marriage We may have questions about overcoming jealousy, overcoming envy:

  • How do I overcome jealousy?
  • How to overcome relationship problems jealousy?
  • Dealing with jealousy - how to deal with jealousy relationship problems?
  • Why do I have jealousy problems in relationships?
  • Why do I have jealousy and insecurity in a relationship
  • Can counselling help coping with coping with jealousy in relationships?
  • Can psychotherapy help coping with jealousy in a marriage?
  • How to cope with jealousy in a relationship?
  • How to stop being jealous in a relationship?
  • How to get over jealousy in a relationship?
  • How to cure jealousy in a relationship?
  • Can counselling help with feelings of jealousy in relationships?
  • Jealousy vs envy - what is the difference between jealousy and envy?
  • How do I overcome envy?
  • I get jealous easily - why am I jealous? Why are people jealous?
  • Can a jealous person change?
  • Why jealous people have jealous thoughts?

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