Counselling & Psychotherapy

Relationship Counselling, Marriage Counselling, Relationship Problems, Marriage Problems, Central London, Camden
Fear Of Commitment, Rejection, Abandonment
In The Relationship Or Marriage

Being Autonomous Yet Part Of A Couple

In relationships we will encounter dependence & independence issues, like needing to be separate & autonomous, yet needing to share & belong as a couple and feeI like a team. We may abandon or lose ourseIves in the early relationship, give up our independence or lose our ground. Some of us may struggle to be dependent on our partner, and others may seem overly dependent. Underlying resentment, envy & jealousy may play its part. We may experience issues of abandonment, rejection, control, engulfment, intensity, invasion, suffocation or claustrophobia, sucked into something - what's my space, your space & our space. Some of us may thrive on being close & together as a couple, and others may be sensitive to a lot of togetherness. It can be too much for us, causing us to flee, as if we have absorbed our partner's energy, feel overloaded, tired or anxious. For some of us who are sensitive it can feeI as if our own space has been invaded. We may have a different pace or need for space to that of our partner.

Expectations may be different. and we may want to be clear about defining our own space needs. All of us have an optimal space preference, which fluctuates. Identifying and communicating this with our partner can support us, so we feeI less squashed or suffocated, and intimacy flourishes. We may also want be able to be able to risk our vulnerability, yet be empowered, free from feeIing like a victim or martyr. It may be difficult to appreciate what you have in common, as well as your differences. Believing that our partner completes us, as if they are our "other half", can lead to merging difficulties, as we struggle with our personal boundaries - what's mine, theirs & ours. Challenges may include how to be in a loving, intimate, fulfilling relationship without denying our needs, being either too remote or overly needy - demanding of others' attention & time ("clingy"), or how to give of ourseIf, yet remain empowered, where there is space for me, you & us as a couple. Further challenges may be how to have a clear sense of who we are - holding on to this, being able to tolerate our own discomfort, soothe us, being less reactive to our partner's reactivity

Healthy Boundaries & Resilience In Relationships

Once we are committed in our relationship or marriage, one or both of us may assume we have the right to know all of each other's business, knowing what's best for our partner, or telling them how they should live. Resentment, unhappiness & power struggles often emerge, leading to insecure & shaky foundations for the relationship. Boundaries can enable relationships to be built on firm foundations, so each partner is aware of the necessary lines to be drawn and how far we are allowed to go.

Setting our boundaries can be a challenge. Some people can view them as restrictive, with negative connotations. They define us & our difference, and can vary in different situations. For example if we have a need for both space, closeness & intimacy in our relationship, it may need us to assert our personal space needs – the time & physical limits we set with our partner, so we are comfortable & emotionally freer. Once we set our boundaries, we may find it easier to negotiate our preferences with our partner, so intimacy becomes possible, conveying our message without attacking, blaming, being clear that it isn't about not caring for them, but is about how we best thrive & feel at ease. Conversely, we may be so intent at keeping our partner at arm's length, that the relationship lacks intimacy. This too can be a challenge for some.

Our boundaries enable us to take personal responsibility for our thinking, emotions & actions. Without healthy boundaries, and feeling resilient inside, we can look to our partner to meet all our needs, and make them responsible for our problems, or we may try to fit in with our partner's needs overlooking our own. Our boundaries are our own sanctity defining who we are - our separateness within the relationship. They allow us to be ourselves, experiencing a sense of security & solidity. "I am I & you are you, and I am in relationship with you". They protect & guide us, enabling us to feeI safe, e.g. by sometimes saying "No" to us or others & following our inner voice. Yet, when we need nurturing or love, we may need to let our boundaries down.

Receiving, giving & intimacy may be a challenge for some, as may opening & closing be an issue for others. We may have healthy boundaries, which are firm & flexible. However, some of us may struggle in setting reasonable limits - boundaries, in our relationship with our partner, and indeed with ourseIves. Instead of healthy boundaries, we can often put up walls of self-protection. However, what protects us, may not always help. These walls can be constructed through our anger & fear (e.g. commenting "if you say that, I will explode"). We can also build our walls by passively disappearing into the background, preferring to observe rather than interact, withdrawing from conversations ("walls of silence" or "stonewalling" – see also Giving Or Receiving "The Silent Treatment"), or using continuous talking ("wall of words"). It can be difficult as adults to set healthy boundaries & develop healthy relationships if boundaries were inconsistent when we were growing up.

Differences Between You & Your Partner

It can be such a challenge to acknowledge & respect our partner's right & responsibility to feeI, think & act along with their own their own desires & beliefs, even if we don't agree with them (see Our Sensitivities - Pushing Each Other's Buttons).

Fear Of Relationship Or Marriage

Many of us are scared of love - that we will not find it, that it will not last, believing that it doesn't exist, fearing our heart will break. Scared of taking our chance & putting ourseIf out in the world, we avoid risk or taking a leap of faith. We may fear losing ourself or finding out who we truly are. We may worry that we or our potential partner will fail our expectations, or even hesitate when things are going really well. We may fear commitment).

Grief or "unfinished business" may affect our ability to be open in a current or new relationship (see also Our Wounded Self). This can take time. Yet we can also spend years doubting, questioning, analysing past, current & future relationships & break-ups. Fearing rejection, a challenge for some may be how to stop being afraid & take a chance in love, find the courage to face fears & reduce any walls of self protection, and let people in, rather than push them away. Intimacy avoidance & trust may play a role. We may also experience difficulties connecting with others which can be explored in counselling (for details see Our Sensitivities - Pushing Each Other's Buttons).

Fear Of Rejection, Abandonment

Every human being at some level has had to deal with rejection, both in their early years as a child, and through adulthood in relationships with others. As a child, we may have avoided saying "No", fearing rejection or withdrawal of love. We may have learnt to avoid the hurt or pain of our heart breaking. We continue to experience small & large rejections throughout our Iife. It can be devastating at times. Being hurt or unable to let go (maybe from a past relationship), putting up walls, we may vow never be so vulnerable again. Paradoxically we may want to be seen, yet fear being seen as vulnerable. We may reject our partner by being closed before they can reject us. Some of us can fear rejection so much, that we avoid risking ourseIves in an intimate relationship for fear of being used or taken advantage of. We may choose to numb our feelings, or get angry, as a form of protection, yet we may have abandoned our seIf. We may find ways to test our partner to see if they reject or abandon us. We may even set up relationships, so we get rejected again & again, as if to prove we are "rejectable". Others may choose to totally immerse themselves in looking after others, setting themselves up as depended upon, in the hope that they are not rejected. Fearing rejection some of us may isolate ourself, others may try to be perfect, agree with everything. We may give up, close down, or do a whole range of other things to avoid rejection.

(S)he whose love has always been reciprocated does not know the real feeling of love. Inayat Khan

Lonely inside or stuck, some of us may not have made the time to mourn our past hurts, pains, betrayals, or heartache. Our sensitivity to abandonment & rejection may affect our selfworth & contribute to our loneliness, and limit our way of flourishing in the world. Being caring & trusting may be our biggest challenge. Counselling & psychotherapy can help by exploring healthy ways to cope with our fears of rejection, so we don’t act them out on us or our partner. We may also look at ways of not taking rejection so personally, as if there is something wrong with us.

Commitment Or Commitment Phobia

Often one person can push for commitment, and the other can resist. Fear of commitment affects both men & women. Some of us can be scared of committing to a relationship for fear of being hurt or rejected – what some people call commitment phobia. Believing it will all end in tears, that we have more to lose if we commit, we may choose to sabotage our relationship to avoid being rejected. Yet we may end up losing the relationship anyway because of our fear, which can immobilise us. Permanency of the relationship or dependency can be scary for some, and we may find ways to make ourseIf unreachable. Some may want to look at how it is they prefer security to risking love. Therefore seeking the courage to love and trust may be a concern.

When we are in the relationship we can never be satisfied, continuously yearning for new relationships or wanting to be single again, yet when single, wishing we are in a relationship, yet never quite finding the right partner, having difficulties committing. Others may be in a continuous series of relationships, yet want something different after a while. The transition from boyfriend/girlfriend to husband/wife, or civil partnership, can present its own dilemmas. Some of us can push or drive our partner away, so they can reject us. We may experience a series of superficial relationships, "hooked" on the need to fill a sense of emptiness or void in us, and then using others to fill our void. Some of us may feel addicted to this pattern of behaviour, and we may struggle to experience our partner as more than an object to meet our desire for love. We may also fear being on our own or being dependent on someone else, yet at the same time need our autonomy.

Pre-Marital Counselling

Some of us can be understandably nervous, or have concerns about getting married, and may want to use the marriage counselling as a soundboard to discuss & explore these in more detail. Important issues may include what it means to lose your single life, creating a space for you both to communicate well – understanding each other's needs & differences, having a strong foundation for when conflicts occur, appreciation of what you bring into the marriage, exploration of shared values, exploration of expectations, our sense of our own identity.

… back to Relationship Problems & Marriage Counselling - Index