Counselling & Psychotherapy

Relationship Counselling, Marriage Counselling, Relationship Problems, Marriage Problems, Afraid Of Commitment, Central London
Fear Of Commitment, Abandonment, Rejection, Sabotage
In The Relationship

Being Autonomous Yet Part Of A Couple

Dependence, Independence, Interdependence In relationships we will encounter dependence & independence issues, like needing to be separate & autonomous, yet needing to share & belong as a couple and feeI like a team – a you, a me, an us. Having "me" time can be important. We may want to be alone, sometimes fear aloneness, yet want togetherness, which at times can also be too much or too little. We all have needs and some of us may struggle to acknowledge any of our dependency needs on our partner (my needs, your needs, our needs). Conversely, becoming overly dependent on our partner, we may abandon or lose ourseIves in the early relationship, give up our independence, lose our ground & sense of who we are, as we become consumed by them. One or both of us may become controlling, possessive or over-demanding. We may be scared of taking our space for fear of losing our partner. Underlying resentment, envy & jealousy may play its part. We may experience issues of abandonment, rejection, control, engulfment, encroachment, intensity, invasion, imprisonment, suffocation or claustrophobia, sucked into something - what's my space, your space & our space. Some of us may thrive on being close & together as a couple, and others may be sensitive to a lot of togetherness. It can be too much for us, causing us to flee, as if we have absorbed our partner's energy, feel overloaded, tired or anxious. For those of us who are sensitive it can feeI as if our own space has been invaded, that we are smothered. Fearing engulfment we may struggle to experience giving & receiving love, and become love avoidant. We may have a different pace or need for space to that of our partner. Denying of fearing we have any needs maybe a concern for some. Fear of being overly needy may be a fear for others.

Personal Identity & Shared Identity As A Couple What independence & coupledom means may differ between you & your partner, and there may be a dance between both of you - one of you being emotionally avoidant, the other emotionally dependent. Expectations may be different. and we may want to be clear about defining our own privacy, personal life & space needs. All of us have an optimal space preference, which fluctuates. Identifying and communicating this with our partner can support us, so we feeI less squashed or suffocated, and intimacy flourishes. In the times together (or apart), knowing we are loved & emotionally held, and that this is reciprocated, is usually of prime importance, as is retaining our own individuality & control. Free from feeIing needy or like a victim or martyr, we may also want be able to be able to risk our vulnerability, yet be empowered. How to connect, disconnect & reconnect in ways we feel comfortable may be important for us.

Challenges It may be a challenge to appreciate what you as a couple have in common, as well as your differences (feelings, thoughts, beliefs, assumptions, interpretations, expectations, etc.). Believing that our partner completes us, as if they are our "other half", can lead to enmeshment or a merging with our partner & struggling with our separateness & personal boundaries - what's mine, theirs & ours. Challenges may include how to be in a loving, intimate, fulfilling relationship without denying our needs, being either too remote or overly needy - demanding of others' attention & time ("clingy"), or how to give of ourseIf, yet remain empowered, where there is space for me, you & us as a couple. Spontaneity may also be a concern. Further challenges may be how to have a clear sense of who we are - holding on to this, being able to tolerate our own discomfort, aloneness & loneliness, soothe us (less dependent on our partner doing this for us), being less reactive to our partner's reactivity. We may believe that if we individuate, we have to separate as a couple & no longer be together. If we are so separate as a couple, we may end up in living parallel lives. The art of compromise may be a further challenge. Counselling & psychotherapy can support you with your own struggles around these issues, and we may also look at how loyalty & duty have their proper place, but do not become a straight jacket restricting us to flourish.

Healthy Boundaries & Resilience In Relationships

Respecting Each Other Once we are committed in our relationship or marriage, one or both of us may assume we have the right to know all of each other's business, knowing what's best for our partner, or telling them how they should be. Resentment, unhappiness & power struggles often emerge, leading to insecure & shaky foundations for the relationship. Loving & respectful boundaries can enable relationships to be built on firm foundations, so each partner is aware of the necessary lines to be drawn and how far we are allowed to go. Being clearer what's mine, what's yours & what's ours (including thoughts, beliefs, expectations, emotions) can help us avoid enmeshment & co-dependency.

Boundary Setting Setting our boundaries can be a challenge, so they are not overly restrictive or too loose, flexible when they need to be. Some people can view personal boundaries as restrictive, with negative connotations & not the domain of relationships. They define us & our difference, and can vary in different situations. For example if we have a need for both space, closeness & intimacy in our relationship, it may need us to assert our personal space needs – the time & physical limits we set with our partner, so we are comfortable & emotionally freer. Another example may be not to get so drawn into our partner's emotions, that we should feel the same. Being caring yet remaining calm, when others are being emotional, may enable us to be receptive & support them. Once we set our boundaries, we may find it easier to negotiate our preferences with our partner, so intimacy becomes possible, conveying our message without attacking, blaming, being clear that it isn't about not caring for them, but is about how we best thrive & feel at ease. Conversely, we may be so intent at keeping our partner at arm's length, that the relationship lacks intimacy. This too can be a challenge for some.

Boundaries Which Support Us Our boundaries enable us to take personal responsibility for our thinking, emotions, will & actions. Our boundaries can support us in not saying everything which is on our mind or always reacting to things immediately. Without healthy boundaries, and feeling resilient inside, we can look to our partner to meet all our needs, and make them responsible for our problems, or we may try to fit in with our partner's needs overlooking our own. Our boundaries are our own sanctity defining who we are - our separateness within the relationship. They allow us to be ourselves, experiencing a sense of security & solidity. "I am I & you are you, and I am in relationship with you". They protect & guide us, enabling us to feeI safe, e.g. by sometimes saying "No" to us or others & following our inner voice. Yet, when we need nurturing or love, we may need to let our boundaries down.

Boundaries Which May Hinder Us Receiving, giving & intimacy may be a challenge for some, as may opening & closing be an issue for others. We may have healthy boundaries, which are firm & flexible. However, some of us may struggle in setting reasonable limits - boundaries, in our relationship with our partner, and indeed with ourseIves. Instead of healthy boundaries, we can often put up walls of self-protection. However, what protects us, may not always help. These walls can be constructed through our anger & fear (e.g. commenting "if you say that, I will explode"). We can also build our walls by passively disappearing into the background, preferring to observe rather than interact, withdrawing from conversations ("walls of silence" or "stonewalling" – see also Giving Or Receiving "The Silent Treatment"), or using continuous talking ("wall of words"). It can be hard to set healthy boundaries & develop healthy relationships as adults, if boundaries were inconsistent when we were growing up. (For personal & sexual boundary issues see also Our Resilience, Hardiness & Protecting Our Personal Boundaries)

Differences Between You & Your Partner

Responding To Our Differences It can be such a challenge to acknowledge & respect our partner's right & responsibility to feeI, think & act along with their own their own desires & beliefs, even if we don't agree with them (see Our Sensitivities - Pushing Each Other's Buttons). Any cultural & religious differences between us & our partner are often embraced & celebrated, which can add to the relationship. Yet for some these differences, values, expectations & assumptions about the way things are done, or should be done, may be problematic or build up resentment. One or both of us may struggle with understanding, accepting, tolerating each others difference. We may have different behaviour, temperament, needs, preferences, priorities. One may be more introvert, the other - extrovert, and one more optimistic, the other more pessimistic. One of us may find detail important - the other prefers the bigger picture. One of us may be more led by our heart, mind or intuition.

Fear Of Relationship Or Marriage

Scared Of Love Many of us are scared of love - that we will not find it, that it will not last, believing that it doesn't exist, fearing our heart will break. Scared of taking our chance & putting ourseIf out in the world, we avoid risk or taking a leap of faith. We may fear losing ourself or finding out who we truly are. We may worry that we or our potential partner will fail our expectations, or even hesitate when things are going really well. We may fear commitment. We may become what some people call relationship avoidant, marriage avoidant.

Preoccupation Grief or "unfinished business" may affect our ability to be open in a current or new relationship (see also Unhealed Wounds). This can take time. Yet we can also spend years doubting, questioning, analysing past, current & future relationships & break-ups. Fearing rejection, a challenge for some may be how to stop being afraid & take a chance in love, find the courage to face fears & reduce any walls of self protection, and let people in, rather than push them away. Intimacy avoidance & trust may play a role. We may also experience problems connecting with others which can be explored in counselling (for details see Our Sensitivities - Pushing Each Other's Buttons).

Fear Of Rejection, Abandonment

Rejection In Our Early Years Every human being at some level has had to deal with rejection, both in their early years as a child, and through adulthood in relationships with others. In our past we may have felt part of something, then singled out and became isolated. As a child, we may have avoided saying "No", fearing rejection or withdrawal of love. That burning, sinking feeling we have inside, when we were intensely sad, we may never want to repeat. Yet we may have closed off around others, magnifying our aloneness, loneliness. We may have learnt to avoid the hurt or pain of our heart breaking. We continue to experience small & large rejections throughout our Iife. It can be devastating at times. Learning to nurture ourself and care for others, so feeling rejected or lonely, may be our struggle.

Fearing Rejection Now Fearing others will leave, we may frequently seek approval, affirmation, reassurance, recognition, validation, appreciation, praise, permission & confirmation. In our fear of abandonment we often imagine worse case scenarios. Being hurt or unable to let go (maybe from a past relationship), putting up walls, we may vow never be so vulnerable again. Paradoxically we may want to be seen & met, yet fear being seen as vulnerable, e.g. "As soon as I make myself vulnerable, I fear abandonment". Because of our fear of rejection we may end up trying to control our partner. We may reject our partner by being closed, start an affair or even try to end the relationship first, before they can reject us. Some of us can fear rejection so much, that we avoid risking ourseIves in an intimate relationship for fear of being used or taken advantage of. We may choose to numb our feelings, or get angry, as a form of protection, yet we may have abandoned our seIf. We may end up rejecting the people we want to let in. We may find ways to test our partner to see if they reject or abandon us. We may even set up relationships, so we get rejected again & again, as if to prove we are "rejectable". Our envy or jealousy may play a part. Others may choose to totally immerse themselves in looking after others, setting themselves up as depended upon, in the hope that they are not rejected. Fearing rejection some of us may isolate ourself, others may try to be perfect, agree with everything. We may give up, close down, or do a whole range of other things to avoid rejection. (See also Sabotaging Things In The Relationship Or Marriage)

Overcoming Fear Of Rejection, Abandonment Lonely inside or stuck, some of us may not have made the time to mourn our past hurts, pains, betrayals, or heartache. Our sensitivity to abandonment & rejection may affect our selfworth & contribute to our loneliness, and limit our way of flourishing in the world. Being caring & trusting may be our biggest challenge. Counselling & psychotherapy can help by looking at healthy ways to cope with our fears of rejection, so we don't act them out on us or our partner, and we are loving. We may also look at ways of not taking rejection so personally, as if there is something wrong with us.

Sabotaging Things In The Relationship Or Marriage

Sabotaging Things Some of us come to relationship counselling to look at the roles we take in our relationships. Some of us may try to fix things, please our partner, or attack, as a way of sabotaging intimacy. We may have fallen into habits that seem out of our control, where we end up sabotaging our relationship or marriage, yet not know why we do this. We may have powerful emotions towards our partner, which we can't bear. Yet these emotions are inside us, and many of them have nothing to do with our partner. (Some of our emotions, motivations, may be unconscious.) In our sabotaging behaviour, we may for example adopt opposite feelings, behaviours & impulses to the ones we intended. We may for example push away people closest to us, or deflect from intimacy. We can act towards our partner in the same way we would treat our worst enemy. This may be connected to our struggle to manage our anxiety. Struggling to find or express love to our partner, or to acknowledge how important our partner is to us, rather than express this appreciation or love, we would prefer to hide it, fight, withdraw, do anything to avoid our anxiety of not having our partner around. We may not be able to believe we are loved or can love, and may find sabotaging ways to destroy love. Some of us may hurt or provoke or partner, testing them (e.g. if they still love us or would leave us - even trying to make them leave us). Although we don't want our relationship or marriage to be destroyed, a part of us may also want to destroy it.

Commitment Or Commitment Phobia

Fear Of Commitment, Commitment Phobia At certain times in relationships, things happen which can test us, bringing us up against how we really feel & and how committed we are. It can be as if our commitment & willingness to commit is tested. For some of us, we only have to hear he word "commitment" and we are looking for an exit strategy. Our fear can immobilise us and the weight of commitment may lurk and become all consuming. Afraid of commitment, if we receive a hint, or are asked to commit, from this point on we may withdraw. Often one person can push for commitment, and the other can resist, as if we have no option but to repel this. We may have lost our own choice to commit. We may want a long term relationship or marriage, yet overlook that this involves fully relating (see also Emotional Self-Awareness). If people come too close, we may push them away. Believing it will all end in tears, that we have more to lose if we commit, we may choose to sabotage our relationship to avoid being rejected. For example some of us can push or drive our partner away, so they can reject us (see Sabotaging Things In The Relationship Or Marriage above). Yet we may end up losing the relationship anyway because of our fear, which can immobilise us. Stuck in our fear of committing ourself to the relationship or marriage, we may attack or withdraw, withholding our love, forgetting that love is also an action, and we may struggle to be loving & giving. Our challenge therefore may also be about how to love, rather than remaining stuck, afraid of commitment.

Fear Of Commitment - Frequently Thinking Of Someone Else Or Others When we are in the relationship we can never be satisfied (maybe seeking the ideal or perfect partner, forever wondering if there is someone better out there), continuously looking at others (this can be exhausting, weigh us down), yearning for new relationships or wanting to be single again. Yet when we are single, we may wish we are in a relationship again. Having problems committing, we may never quite find the right partner. Endlessly searching for the right partner may point to our "magical thinking", that there is only one out there, that we will know and have no doubts. We may be in a continuous series of relationships, yet want something different after a while, which may also point to an underlying commitment problem. Afraid of commitment, acting from our commitment phobia, we may experience a series of superficial relationships, "hooked" on the need to fill a sense of emptiness or void in us, and then using others to fill our void. Some of us may feel addicted to this pattern of (commitment phobic) behaviour, and we may struggle to experience our partner as more than an object to meet our desire for love.

Commitment Concerns Around Intimacy & Love "Could I be more in love with someone else?" may be a question we continually ask, yet our challenge may be risking intimacy & love, being willing to give & receive love. Fear of commitment or disappointment affects both men & women, and can come out in different ways. Some commitment phobic men or women may be in a double bind, we may want intimacy & love, yet fear it, wanting commitment, yet needing to escape from it, so we "hedge our bets".

Fear Of Commitment - Getting Hurt Avoiding commitment in relationships may also be a protection against disappointment. Afraid of commitment, we can avoid the risk of not being let down or sad. Some of us can be scared of committing to a relationship for fear of being hurt, rejected or losing who we are (see Personal Identity & Shared Identity As A Couple above). We may also fear being on our own or being dependent on someone else (maybe fearing they will leave us - see Fear Of Rejection, Abandonment above), yet at the same time need our autonomy. Choosing fear or love may be our dilemma.

Valuing the freedom of our singledom, we may loathe to give it up. Even when we are in (or have been in) a committed relationship, we can "forget" we have a partner or act as if we are single, without a partner. Our autonomy may be very important to us (see Being Autonomous Yet Part Of A Couple above). We may not want any limits, and our commitment phobia can support this. Permanency of the relationship or dependency can be scary for some, and we may find ways to make ourseIf unreachable. "I'm not quite ready" may be our broken record. We can avoid commitment or become "commitment phobic" for many reasons: once we commit, our choice can be taken away. We may fear enmeshment, becoming trapped forever - that there is no way out, we can't walk away from our or our partner's problems. Valuing our free spirit, we may fear merger - losing who we are, or the weight of expectation, as if it is a burden. We may question how we & our partner can be both strong, yet engaged in the art of compromising. We may be unwilling to take responsibility, worry about providing - giving & receiving. Struggling with the paradox of being on our own, yet part of something, getting in touch with what we really want for our life, may bring us up against our own existential issues.

Fear Of Commitment - Scenarios, Forecasting How Our Relationship Or Marriage Might Be We may value our personal life, fear loosing this. We may hold on to a range of other scenarios, which stop us committing. We may worry, that if we choose to commit our self to one person, "settle down" or get married, things will be completely different. In the security of our committed relationship or marriage, we may fear predictability, loss of spontaneity, vitality, being taken for granted, taking our partner for granted. We may fear being controlled or getting into routines, which are deadening or losing our own important routines. Valuing our freedom, not wanting to be tied down, we may believe if we make a commitment, it will stop us doing other things, seeing our friends, doing what interests us. Insecure about our future, we may predict it will be stressful. We may believe we are not good enough to be part of the couple in a committed relationship. Afraid of commitment, we may question our ability to endure difficult times or provide what is necessary, that we may let our partner down.

Genuine Concerns, Doubts Our "commitment issue" may be about genuine concerns, doubts about the sustainability of our relationship, not just our fears. We may lack strong feelings towards our partner, settling for them - that they will do, because they have come along at the right time. There may be strong indications that this relationship is not right for us. We may have led a very superficial relationship, we don't actually know our partner, nor do they know us. Our love may be absent.

Avoiding the risk of commitment, we may struggle to make that choice and procrastinate. We may experience what some people call commitment phobia. Some may want to look at how it is they prefer security to risking love. Some of us may fear being or falling in love (sometimes called philophobia) which pushes us away from committing, so we end up alone again. Seeking the courage to love and trust, letting go of things may be a concern. The transition from boyfriend/girlfriend to husband/wife, or civil partnership, can present its own dilemmas. Some believe it can be just as meaningful living together for the long term, whether married or not. Others believe that pledging commitment as an act of faith can solidify the bonds together as a couple in private & public ways, that the oaths of marriage will be honoured. Fear of commitment or marriage can also be known as gamophobia.

Pre-Marital Counselling

Some of us may have pre-marital concerns or whether or not to commit to the relationship. Anxious, we may have second thoughts (see also Our Internal World). We may be questioning if we are compatible or incompatible with our partner. Others can be understandably nervous, or have concerns about getting married, and may want to use the marriage counselling as a soundboard to discuss & review these in more detail. Important issues may include:

• What it means to lose your single life
• What assumptions are made
• Creating a space for you both to communicate well
• Understanding each other's needs & differences
• Having a strong foundation for when conflicts occur
• Appreciation of what you bring into the marriage
• Being strong as a couple & good friends
• Shared values & expectations
• Sense of our own identity
• Adjusting to married life

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