Counselling & Psychotherapy

Relationship Counselling London, Marriage Counselling London, Relationship Problems, Marriage Problems, Love Addiction, Codependency
Love Needs, Love Addiction, Caretaking & Co-Dependency

Elusive Love?

Beliefs We may do all the right things, yet wonder why love eludes us. We may put such a strong emphasis on how we or our partner looks (see also Our Body), that we undervalue our own or our potential partner's internal qualities. The need for instant attraction or to fall in love immediately may be a requirement. Some may mistake the chemistry of love for the chemistry of sexual attraction. When our sexual desire or longing diminishes we may believe that the relationship has diminished, however it may be a call for a deeper relationship based on friendship, trust, understanding & kindness. We may mistake infatuation, or even being nice, for love. We can believe there is love where there isn't, or we may not recognise when love is present. Some of us may believe there is only one special person & we wait in vain for them to arrive. And when someone new comes along, high on the giddiness of those early encounters & putting our new love on a pedestal, we may struggle to develop the relationship further. When the romance & love dies down, we may believe that the love we had has been lost forever. The ordinariness of Iiving or sense of boredom may arise, which may point to our own feelings, needs, beliefs & nothing to do with our partner.

Relationship Patterns We may begin to see familiar patterns emerging from past encounters (e.g. we may have a pattern of getting into relationships, that deep down we know wouldn't work out, or we may sell us short with the partners we continue to choose). We may see relationships as a burden. The counselling & psychotherapy can also be a space to think about our motivations for getting into a relationship in the first place and how we are when we are in it.

Our Esteem Outwardly we believe we deserve loving and to be in a loving relationship or marriage. However inwardly we may believe we are undeserving or unworthy of a loving, healthy relationship, convinced it is not possible. Beliefs (some dating back from childhood) in how we should act in order to be loved may no longer work. We may fear the loss of a relationship so much, that we struggle to fully engage in it in the first place, by risking love, intimacy, warmth, security & being honest. We can be guarded, and these responses can have a repelling effect on others - fear of intimacy, or being hurt can hold us back. When we are with a potential partner, we may be in a familiar habit in believing we deserve better. Yet in doing so we set ourselves up for an unhappy relationship. Searching for the ideal or perfect partner erodes our esteem. And if we do find someone we believe is suitable, we can have an overwhelming feeling, that it is bound to end, will soon go wrong, even making it so at times. Worrying about this can stop us enjoying developing the blossoming relationship. (See also Self-Esteem, Confidence, Criticism, Insecurity & Assertiveness)

Our Fear Some of our fears may be rational, others not so. Exercising some caution in new relationships is an understandable & healthy process. However if we fear relationships can't possibly work out, this may put us on the back foot from the beginning. Wanting our relationship to last forever and fearful inside that it won't, we may neglect its nurturing, thriving & building. It can be a challenge to hold a whatever will happen, will happen approach, so our fear doesn't take over.

Imperfections Always looking for someone better, some of us can be overly picky, forever searching for a man or woman of our dreams, the perfect partner as a soulmate. If our idealised partner doesn't match up to all our criteria or irritates us (compounded by any commitment concerns we might have) we may prematurely end the potential of a relationship developing. Struggling to find any middle ground, we may idealise or devalue our potential partners (see also Love Addiction Or Romance Addiction below). Some of us may have multiple relationships or serial affairs, yet not be satisfied. We may believe that love only exists outside of us – as we become dependent on someone else responsible to meet our love needs. Constantly seeking the ideal or perfect partner ("they're out there somewhere"), we may never be satisfied. A challenge for some may be to become a soulmate to ourself, accepting our own & their imperfections. Some of us may have already settled down into a relationship, or got married, believing that everything will be fine or perfect, yet feel disappointed. We may be searching for a love, that is so great & ideal, but impossible for a human being to give, leading to a suffering of Iife's limitations. It can be as if we are almost searching for the divine in human form - a process many great artists have attempted to portray. This longing may be connected to yearning for a deeper connection in Iife & beyond. (See also Perfectionism, Control, Being Over-Demanding, Competitiveness, Uncertainty)

Sabotage In unintended ways we may undermine, or even sabotage, the possibility of being in a loving relationship or marriage. Some of us may only be interested in unavailable men or women (or choose the "wrong" people), ensuring that a full loving relationship is not possible. We may become envious or jealous of people in permanent relationships. Destructive romantic relationships may be familiar. (See also Sabotaging Things)

Selling Us Short In order to get love we may sacrifice our own identity & personal power, so the foundations & ground of the relationship cannot be built. We may cut off – deny we have any needs. In our pursuit for love, some of us can end up being overly needy (what some people call neediness) or desperate, and some of us may end up regressing to a much younger age. We may try to overly please, get the approval of our new partner at a cost to who we are. We may be confused between love & approval. Counselling & psychotherapy can help explore these patterns with you.

Early Expectations Searching for love our initial challenge may be about what do we need let go of, how we can be loving to us & others. It may be a challenge to appreciate & accept others without dependency or expectation. We can have expectations that we should meet someone, settle down or have children by certain time. The seriousness of it all, coupled with a loss of sense of humour, may not assist our romantic pursuits. We may become desperate or despondent and struggle to be open or overly needy, and people around us pick this up. Counselling & psychotherapy can support you with your struggles around this.

Relationship Phases We may bypass an important early phase of the relationship, like cultivating friendship, trust & understanding. For some, making love can create a premature bonding before other aspects of the relationship have been developed.

The counselling & psychotherapy will help address these concerns with you, alongside your memories, beliefs & any feelings from when younger, which despite your adulthood may continue to shape & limit your experiences.

Unmet Love Needs & Neediness

Being Loving & Strong We may want to have the courage to express or receive love without losing our strengths, sense of control & humour, our individuality & difference or feeling disempowered - just being our self (see Being Autonomous Yet Part Of A Couple). We may for example be OK without someone special in our life, yet once they appear - lose ourself, get consumed by our new partner, hooked on them, as our dependency need or insatiable need for love takes over, losing our sense of who we are. Our craving for connection may outweigh a person's ability to respond to our need.

Our Need for Love Some of us may be feel bad or ashamed in needing love, believing we are supposed to be self sufficient. Yet sharing love is a basic need. We are all interdependent, thrive on sharing love & have this basic human need that can only be met by someone else (see also Denying Our Dependence On Others below). We may find it hard to tell the difference between expressing our needs & being needy. We may struggle to take responsibility for having love & compassion for ourseIves – sharing our love, and therefore become needy of others, pulling on them for approval or attention, often experienced as emptiness inside and getting upset when others don't give us what we need. From this empty place our intention is different, often picked up by our partner. We expect others to give us what we are not giving to us, looking after our own needs (see Self-Abandonment). Our hope is that the other person will fill us up, so we are worthwhile & safe.

Our Need For Contact For some it can become unbearable when we don't receive the contact we need when we need it – at its most intense the world or part of us can appear to disintegrate. When the love we need appears to desert us, we can feel abandoned, rejected, out of control, separate & unloved (see also Our Sensitivities - Pushing Each Other's Buttons). We may struggle to find our own faith & love. This can activate our early experiences in Iife as we struggle to get in touch with our own resources. (For details see Influence Of Our Past)

Our Own Needs Struggling to take responsibility for our own needs, we can sometimes feel bad about the way we act and feel unhappy with how we are, as we treat others, and indeed ourseIf, in hurtful or damaging ways. For some this may be connected to feeling wounded or needy, and then being initially attracted to someone at a similar level of wounds or needs. Each of us can then get caught in hoping that the other – our partner, fills us up & makes us feeI good (e.g. be the other missing half of us, taking away our emptiness, aloneness, anxiety or insecurity). Yet they never quite can, and we may be caught in a familiar scenario of believing that the "grass is greener", or moving on to another partner without discovering that feeIing full & good inside comes from caring for ourseIves. (See also Self-Esteem, Confidence, Criticism, Insecurity & Assertiveness)

How We Love We all have a need to be loved, especially as a child. As adults, our life journey may have less emphasis on being loved, and be more about loving & supporting to ourseIf & others for the highest good. In the counselling & psychotherapy you may want to review the cycle of giving & receiving love in your relationship. Our challenge may be to share love, rather than expect it. Learning or risking how to love, be loving, hold love, express love may be a challenge for some.

What We Do With Our Love Needs Some of us may believe we are unlovable, not letting it in or even noticing we are loved. Others may wonder why our sense of happiness is overly dependent on the relationship with our partner. We may be good at giving love, yet find it hard to receive. Others may be comfortable in receiving love, but find it difficult to give. Giving love can work wonders for being loved. Some of us as parents may seek to get our love needs met through our children, rather than our partner. We may struggle to express our needs, get them met or take responsibility for them. Some of us may also want to take the responsibility for our partner's pain & hurt (see Caretaking – Codependency (Co-Dependency)).

Our Readiness & Willingness To Love It is a cliche that if we can't love & trust who we are, we are unable to love & trust others. Yet sometimes we may find it difficult to do so. If we struggle to nurture ourseIves, we can become demanding & needy of our partner, wanting to control their choices or limit their joy, as if they are responsible for meeting our needs, taking away our unwanted feelings or making us feeI better about our own hurt & pain. We may want to look at our own envy & jealousy. We can try to make our partner liable for our unmet needs from our past & our behaviour, as if they are causing our own distress or Inner Loneliness, Alienation. In searching for love from another we may have overlooked our own readiness & willingness to love. Making room for our instinctive compassion to flourish and cultivating it into action may be our challenge.

Preoccupation Some of us may be so preoccupied by our work or habits or addiction, that it limits the chances of romance in our life.

Love Addiction Or Romance Addiction

Getting Overwhelmed Some of us may get overwhelmed by what we see or want to see in others. The thrill of the chase can give us a real high or rush, often followed by a low (see also High-Low Addiction Model). Hopscotching from one person to another, it can be as if we are searching for our next attraction or "fix", trying to hold on to something. Some people may be impatient (even expecting everything to happen on the first date), expecting love to happen instantly, rather than allow it to evolve & grow. Others may be hooked on the infatuation phase of romantic love, longing for someone, who we can never entirely have, and mistake this for real love (what some people call a romance addiction). Swept off our feet, the arousal, game playing & drama (e.g. exhilarating highs, despondent lows, the pursuing, and being pursued) of this intense stage can be intoxicating, turn our stomach over, distorting our thinking & behaviour. We can fall head over heels in love. If we are stuck at this heavenly adoration stage, lost on "cloud nine", it can be painful to come back down to earth. Initially excited, we can end up deeply unsatisfied, unable to move forward and develop the relationship. Caught like a rabbit in the headlights, it is as if we have become helpless, taken over by something outside of our control. Does our love have to be obsessive may be a question we keep coming back to. Some of us prefer this obsessive love, rather than risking real, long term love, and authentic intimacy. They may believe that once the infatuation stage diminishes, the love is lost, that love is exclusively a feeIing, and not also a choice & decision. Unhappy inside, we may be seeking happiness from others continuously looking to others for love.

Staying Strong Inside Empty or lonely inside, consumed by our need for love or affirmation, some of us may struggle to see our idealised partner (the object of our dreams) as an imperfect (see Imperfections above), fallible human being, just as we are. When they are not the person we thought they were ("there is no chemistry anymore"), our perfect, safe bubble may burst, and we may struggle to accept our partner exactly as they are. Despite our intelligence, our rational mind may be captured by our fantasy mind, so when our "perfect match" lets us down & we can't have it all, we feel devastated. It can be as if we are addicted to love or our fantasised ideas how love should be. Emotionally dependent, we may fear or believe that the relationship is over, yet it may simply be a grieving for a stage of a relationship, that is ready to develop further. Our relationship may have just begun... Counselling & psychotherapy offers support through this uncomfortable experience of love addiction, crave for attention, need for approval & the "fix" we get from it. We may also want to find out about being OK & in control without an overwhelming need for someone else, yet at the same time be passionate & strong inside.

Emotional Avoidance Or Dependency In Relationships

Denying Our Dependence On Others Some men or women deny their own dependency needs or vulnerability. Each of us have vulnerability & needs, yet some can't bear acknowledging or showing them. We all need others to validate us, show interest, be engaged with us without diverting their attention. Some of us hide our dependency needs so well, because we don't want to be seen having any needs or being dependent. (We mustn't need anyone, so can't let anyone in.) Denying our own dependency needs, we can select a partner who on the surface, who has more needs or is more dependent than us ("They are weak or the needy one"), or set up a lifestyle that makes others depend on us. We can also do this through our work (maybe through seeking admiration or adulation from others) or make so much money in order to give us a sense of worth. To meet our dependency needs we may try to use others, have power over them, assert our "superiority" or self-sufficiency. Lonely inside, we may deny our needs or believe in a shared humanity. Compartmentalising things, we may set up a shell around us or turn to unhelpful habits or addictions. Yet when our props came away or we get punctured in some way we may experience emptiness or depression. As if we are in some sort of push & pull dance (Now you see me, now you don't), if we see our partner as being needy or clingy, we may withdraw. Yet actually they may be seeking a deeper connection. And if we withdraw, our partner becomes more clingy, as we withdraw even more. The therapy may explore with you your own interdependent needs, promoting the good of others and use of power in service of others. (See also Emotional Self-Awareness)

Emotional Avoidance Emotionally avoidant some of us may try to avoid emotional connection at all costs. We may have closed down, shut off or bottled things up. We may feel threatened by the prospect of sharing feelings and vulnerability, or criticised by our partner for not being emotionally open, meeting them in the way they need, and then go on to attack ourself. We may treat emotions as threatening, to be avoided, managed or soothed. Avoiding emotional connection we may withdraw, become distant, angry, or take on a role to remain emotionally avoidant, e.g. fixer or pleaser. We may try to resist intimacy, which may have become a pattern for us. A part of us may hold back expressing love, or even receiving it. Being in touch with our own emotions, having empathy, being present & connected with our partner may be a need.

Losing Who We Are Giving, receiving & sharing love, getting the right sort of attention, is a basic human need. We all need & grow through these healthy dependency needs. How we do this is challenging. For example if we fear loosing our partner, we may resent them, because we might find it hard to accept our own dependency needs. Becoming overly dependent on our partner may mean that we mustn't upset them, speak our truth, be who we are in case they leave or disapprove. We may have learnt to go along with things for the sake of it, compromising who we are & what we believe. We may want to devote all of ourself to our partner, yet lose who we are in the process. We may become dependent on someone else giving us what we need, because we can't find it, or don't believe we have it in us. We may have become reliant on our partner to make us happy, instead of putting control in our own hands, so we can be happy not because of someone else, but in spite of them, because we are in control of our own life & emotions. Latching on at times, fearing rejection, some of us may struggle with our own inner worth, and simply being OK. We may look for permission from our partner. We may hold on to the relationship, afraid that they leave. Forsaking or losing who we are, we may have become overly dependent upon our partner. We can make our partner responsible for filling us up with love or approval we need. Yet in seeking approval from our partner we may become disempowered. Excessively needing others makes it hard for us to thrive, as we become a victim of someone's choices, placing our emotional wellbeing in someone else's hands. And if we are not careful we can end up destroying those we love. Our need for attention may be in order to fill up our emptiness, hoping or believing our partner can do this for us. Some people experience this as clinginess, as our floodgates open. Nurturing & maintaining other friendships, interests, passions may have been forsaken along the way. We may believe that:

• If we love our partner, and come to need them, then we may become unstable, and devastated if the relationship ended.
• If we assert & be ourselves, our partner might leave
• Our own feeIings can't be trusted, needing others to validate them
• We are empty inside if we are not in a relationship (or even when we are in a relationship, we don't get the attention we need)
• We need so much attention in order to be OK
• Any attention is better than none
• We don't get the response we want (to prove they care about us) from our partner or we have to wait too long for it
• We can't enjoy things or have fun, unless we are with someone who knows how to do this
• We aren't lovable or worthy without our partner's approval
• We love our partner, yet are actually dependent on them, fearing abandonment
• Our partner completes our missing half
• We can only belong with another

We may:

• Be convinced that positive feeIings only come from someone else loving us
• Give us up to our partner, losing our sense of who we are
• Want our security & safety to come from someone else
• Get angry, when others do what they want to do, instead of what we want them to do
• Become overly needy, clingy
• Be continuously preoccupied by what our partner is thinking or doing
• Struggle to enjoy our own company
• Often get jealous
• Get tense or anxious around others
• Blame others (usually our partner) for our unwanted feeIings
• Take uncaring behaviour towards us very personally

No Longer Abandoning Who We Are We may wonder why we choose partners, who tend to avoid love (see Denying Our Dependence On Others below). All of us need a dependable source of love, yet to expect another to be that dependable source can create codependency (co-dependency), as if love can only come from outside of us, and not within, e.g. "I can look to my partner to fulfil my needs, yet I can do it myself". "What might I need to let go of?" may be our biggest challenge. Counselling & psychotherapy can go into this with you, alongside ways you can be empowered, take responsibility for your own feeIings (e.g. loneliness, grief, sadness or sorrow, helplessness, heartache or heartbreak), no longer abandoning yourself, becoming emotionally freer.

Diversifying Our Needs Those of us that have become overly dependent on our partner may have put all their needs in one area of their life in order to be happy. We may want to consider spreading our emotions & energy outwards to include every aspect of our life, nurturing our passions, interests, leisure, friendships, other relationships, etc.

Enmeshment

When we are in close relationships, feelings can get tangled up, merged or become overwhelming (see also Differences Between You & Your Partner). Our personal will may have become eroded. Sponge-like we may pick up others' emotions, yet struggle to maintain our own separate ones. Losing ourself and our own ground, what distinguishes us from others - our difference, we may take other's feelings as our own, or believe that others have the same feelings, thoughts or beliefs as we do. There may be some confusion between what's mine, yours & ours (see Being Autonomous Yet Part Of A Couple). Other couples may have set up a codependent relationship (see Caretaking - Codependency (Co-Dependency) below)

Caretaking - Codependency (Co-Dependency)

Becoming A Caretaker Trying to look after & care for someone - especially someone with an addiction, can be a huge task, and we may have taken on a codependent role. When we take a role of a caretaker, or "a saviour", there can initially be a "good fit" between a person who needs to be looked after, and the person who is very willing to do the looking after. In this co-dependent (codependent) set-up, the actions of the other person we are "looking after" make it easy for our own problems to continue – that they have the problem, and we have not. Some of us may find it easy to give comfort, yet struggle to receive it. We may have learnt to take care of our partner's hurt & pain, yet struggle to be in touch with our own pain & hurt.

Giving Us Up For Them Taking on a rescuer or saviour role, trying to fix things, we may have learnt to almost totally sacrifice, or ignore most of our own needs. Some of us can become like a martyr. Enmeshed, we can take on the role of trying to save them, – what some people call compulsive helping. We may end up taking the responsibility for their own feelings & happiness (if they are not OK, then we can't be OK), even at the cost of our own. If our partner is going through their own problems, we may struggle to accept it is the way our partner treats themselves, and their own self-beliefs which cause their pain - not the choices we make. We may struggle to connect with our partner if they are disconnected from themselves. Yet we may have given ourself up by having an agenda of giving to get love (which ironically we might not get). Our challenge may be to care about our partner's needs & feeIings, yet allow them to take responsibility for their own Iife without being co-dependent (codependent). (For details see Unmet Love Needs & Neediness)

Giving With An Intention To Receive We may have taken on a strong pleaser or fixer role and when this doesn't work, we may sometimes withdraw or attack. When we give with an intention of wanting something back, we can often end up unseen, drained, disappointed or angry. Viewing our partner as the problem (especially if they have a particular unwanted habit or addiction), it can be hard for us to consider that we too may struggle with uncomfortable feeIings in us, e.g. helplessness, especially if we believe we can "cure" the person with an addiction, be their saviour. Our partner may become dependent on us, as indeed we are on them in this co-dependent relationship. It can be a challenge for us to take responsibility & care for our own joy & pain, be compassionate about our partner's, yet not take personal responsibility for them. Saying no to this cycle of behaviour may also be a challenge. As can Iiving from our own identity and not that of our partner, in touch with our own feelings rather than theirs. Giving to others in order that we are needed, the therapy may also look at our own fear of abandonment & rejection.

Our Responsibility Always putting ourselves second may be at a cost of looking after us & our needs. If we are unable to take our own space (without continuously caring for others, wanting something back), care for ourseIf we can become selfishly over-dependent or over-demanding of our partner, to give us the love we don't give ourseIves. As we take care & responsibility for our own needs & feeIings (not making others responsible for giving us love that we deny to ourself), we can be in control rather than trying to control others. It is a cliche, yet true, that when we are loving to ourseIf and value who we are, we are also able to love others. Having compassion for us & others, understanding where they are at without absorbing their pain, may be important. Having our own healthy boundaries can support us, so we can choose to tolerate what we want to tolerate.

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