Counselling & Psychotherapy

Relationship Counselling London, Marriage Counselling, Relationship Problems, Marriage Problems, Fear Of Intimacy
Trust, Intimacy, Love, Romance & Sex In The Relationship Or Marriage

Trust, Vulnerability & Intimacy In The Relationship

Intimacy, Vulnerability, Tenderness & Trust Some people may be relatively competent in their social skills, yet have a problem with intimacy, showing vulnerability, fearing we will get hurt or that it is too painful. We may believe that vulnerability is a weakness, overlooking that it can also help us connect with others. It may be a challenge for us to own or share our vulnerability, trust others and us. We may believe if others see who we really are, they may not like us, or they may criticise, exploit, ridicule, humiliate us. (Ironically our worst critic may be us.) This may be connected to what happened in the past, when we were open, seen or vulnerable. We may want to be seen, yet don't want to be seen. Others may assume that intimacy is entirely about sex and not about bearing our soul. Valuing each other as two whole people without sexual objectification (not from our wounds but from our love) may for some be a challenge. Successful in other areas, we don't make the time or opportunity to talk to our partner about what is in our heart or let them into our Iives. When we are more intimate with each other, our interactions are more gratifying and we can feel more valued. Being close - yet remote, not risking the strength & qualities of our tenderness & vulnerability - may play a role, so too may sexual intimacy & issues of establishing or rebuilding trust. Concerns about trusting our partner may also bring us to look at our own trust issues. If we speak our truth, will they leave us? Some of us may struggle letting people in, receiving, initiating or giving. Someone close to us can deeply wound us & we may be tempted to avoid pain, which compounds our trust problem. Without trust, intimacy is difficult. We may want to risk trusting ourseIf & our partner, without avoiding pain, to promote intimacy. We may be envious or jealous, struggling to trust our partner that they won't go off with someone else or leave us, may be a concern. Our intimacy, trust & mistrust issues may go back to previous experiences of being let down, hurt, rejected or abandoned (and have nothing to do with our partner), which can be explored in counselling & psychotherapy. Being consistent in certain responses may be important to you can help build integrity & trust in our relationship or marriage.

Intimacy Avoidance In Relationships

Avoiding Intimacy In Our Relationship Lack of intimacy may be a concern. If we are lonely inside, it can be hard to be intimate. We may protect & isolate ourselves. Struggling to let others in, we may fear close intimacy. Even if we want to be more intimate, it can be scary for some, as we find ways of closing the space down. Some may believe that intimacy is only about sex. We may have a fear of intimacy, manifesting in different ways. We may want a different & deeper form of contact, yet at the same time fear it, pushing people close to us away or deflecting from intimacy, shielding & preventing intimacy happening. Wanting yet fearing a successful intimate relationship, or believing we are not worthy of one, we can set up resistances & blocks and struggle to allow others close or getting closed ourselves. Sometimes the closer we get to intimacy, the more we fear it (and what others will see or do), and this may be a reflection of what we have held on to in the past. If we perceive or experience one small rejection we may withdraw. If we do get close, we may become worried that our own space & sense of who we are becomes eroded. We may fear being vulnerable. Avoiding intimacy we may become hard, aloof, cynical & closed as a way of keeping us safe from being taken advantage of, so we make us unapproachable. Our intimacy problems may increase over time. We may keep busy "doing" things, over-analysing things, mistaking intensity for intimacy, or struggle to fully engage. We may also lead a high energy lifestyle to replace our intimacy needs. Backing up our fear of intimacy, we may sabotage, avoid, displace or divert our intimacy needs away from people, onto ideas, work, computer, the television, stimulants, possessions, or safe and familiar yet intimately unfulfilling territory. Intimacy can be threatening for some and we may prefer to have an affair, rather than be intimate with our partner. Some of us may set up situations, so the relationship or marriage breaks down or ends, do anything to overcome our fear of intimacy.

In order to avoid intimacy, and keep a safe distance, we may end up:

• Acting naively - as if don't know things, so we won't be threatened in order to get our way
• Demonstrating "Nothing bothers me"
• Showing we don't care about our partner so they can't hurt us
• Rejecting ourself before our partner rejects us
• Believing we deserve to get what we want without asking for it
• Giving our partner what they want, but leave nothing for us
• Deciding we no longer have any needs, now that our partner has needs or is needy
• Denying our own hurt, yet believing it's OK for us to hurt our partner
• Not wanting to hurt our partner, but believing it's OK for us to be hurt
• Giving up - believing it's pointless to expect anything from our partner, so we won't
• Totally surrendering – being what our partner wants us to be, as long as they don't leave us
• Turning to unwanted habits & addictions
• Living parallel lives
• Isolating us or the relationship (see below)

Isolating Us Or The Relationship The very rejection we fear we may have also created. We may make a vow not to be vulnerable, so we can avoid pain or face our fears. In doing so we may experience additional pain now for not fully Iiving our Iives. Learning to carry & let go of the pain of past hurts, betrayals & rejections, may be a challenge for some (see also Unhealed Wounds). Making real connection, nurturing intimacy, giving & receiving love, making it grow and making it grow may be important for us. It may not be intimacy itself that is a stumbling block, but a fear that bad things may happen if intimacy becomes real. Fear of being rejected may play a part. Concerns about our partner (or us) dying can stop us thriving in the relationship. Having an affectionate, sexual relationship may be a goal for others. Psychotherapy & counselling can help unpack the nature of our fears, that we may experience pain, get hurt, be rejected or abandoned, engulfed or controlled (see Our Sensitivities - Pushing Each Other's Buttons). Unspoken envy & jealousy can also be considered in the therapy. We may struggle to accept, embrace true intimacy & unconditional love. Counselling & psychotherapy may also allow for the other personal ways of protecting ourseIf without keeping our heart closed - being intimate with ourselves. Changing our behaviour may also be important. We may have a choice between intimacy or isolation, whether or not we spend enough quality time together and these considerations can be explored in the therapy.

Love Avoidance

Avoiding Love In Our Relationship Or Marriage In our relationship or marriage, we may end up putting up impenetrable walls - avoiding love, refusing to take the relationship beyond a certain safe level. It can be a lonely place to be for both parties (see also Dance Between Emotionally Avoidant & Emotionally Dependent Partner). Some of these walls may even date back to childhood. When we first met our partner, we may have come on strong or have taken on a caretaker role. We may have initially been swept away by our partner, and now that we are safe & secure with them, we may have backed off emotionally, even sabotaging the relationship. Our fear may have got the better of us, as we push our partner away when they become too close. We may now claim we are smothered, manipulated or drained & want to escape this. We may try to get our intensity away from our relationship, instead of within it. We may habitually be out with our friends, or become too busy at work or with our children - do anything to avoid making the love with our partner the priority. If attempts are made for closeness, we will not embrace this space, or choose distraction. Struggling to acknowledge our own love or dependency needs, some of us may withdraw or withhold our love, what has been called being a love avoidant. We may be in a relationship or marriage with a partner, who is similar to us, or who is very emotionally dependent. Like a dance, if our partner needs us, we retreat and the more withdrawn we become, the needier they become. These roles can be switched. Avoiding love & to be truly known, we may therefore avoid any commitment. Answering to no one, we hate being controlled, being seen as vulnerable or needing anything from our partner.

Romance In The Relationship Or Marriage

Romance One or both partners may have lost or forgotten how to bring the romance back into relationship. Rekindling the relationship, your passion, love & romance, maybe a desire for you. We can for example often overlook that offering small romantic gestures can be appreciated.

Sexual Relationship

Sex In Our Relationship Or Marriage You may want to explore ways of improving your sexual relationship, including how to be more open & honest with your partner about your sexuality. Desire & who makes any advances may be an issue. One of us may tend to withdraw or withhold, affecting the other. Either you or your partner may not feel very sexual. (See also Sexual Difficulties)

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