Counselling & Psychotherapy

Counselling Central London Psychotherapy, Resilience, Hardiness, Boundaries, Counsellor London Camden Psychotherapist
Resilience, Hardiness & Our Boundaries

Our Boundaries The boundaries we have & hold protect us, supporting our wellbeing. Our boundaries are our strength, they can help give us the power to tolerate any situation & anyone. Having our boundaries can support our self-discipline. Having & holding our boundaries doesn't mean we have to suffer in silence or be stiff. Through our healthy boundaries our toleration of other people & problems can be managed easier. We can be. be open, compassionate, flexible, connected & strong, no matter what is happening around us, so we can flourish.

Our Resilience We need the right nourishment, resilience, hardiness & to be in our own ground, so our physical & emotional needs are met or are in balance, no different to that of healthy plants. Our resilience & hardiness can be supported by tending to our own needs, our commitment, sense of control, and ability to see events as challenges, in which we can grow without being diminished. Learning to ride whatever life throws at us, and bounce back, becomes part of our resilience. This resilience we have is our personal power & inner strength, which allows us to rise above difficulties & respond to them, strengthened by these challenges. Our resilience is our vitality, that nothing can bring us down or destabilise us. What we can draw from inside our character becomes our resilience & will power, our self-control (see also Accessing Motivation, Acting From Our Personal Will), as we hold our deep belief that we can flexibly handle what comes our way, and the counselling & psychotherapy can support us with this.

Being Powerful Some of us may want to remain empowered with our individual sense of control, be confident, take responsibility for what matters to us, our feelings, thoughts, decisions to be our own, etc. Taking our power, experiencing the power of who we are without giving it away, may be important for us. Being in touch with our own inner power (some people report this as tapping into their own energy) can protect us from not only our own vulnerabilities, but also from external negative influences. Strong inside, being in touch with our personal power, self assured & responsible is very different to having power over others. When we are powerful & loving we may want to empower others, using our power in service of a greater good.

What Are Boundaries Our personal boundaries are our own framework - what separates us from anyone else, and awareness of who we are helps us create healthy boundaries. Our boundaries support us taking control, especially if we are feeling insecure or are overly affected by others. The boundaries we have support our will, so we are not easily captured by our desires. Our boundaries are our own caring protection field. They give us our internal structure, beginning with our own body - our personal space where we begin & end. Similar to the borders of a country, our physical boundaries protect our bodies. They are our internal support system helping us set limits on us and protect us from physical, emotional & mental overload. Our boundaries can support us, when things are daunting or if we are overwhelmed. They give us a greater emotional robustness and support our toleration, perseverance, "stickability". They are our foundation and assert "this is me". At a fundamental level our boundaries are when we are pushed so far that we say "No more". To build our boundaries & protect us in the world, it helps to get to know our personal vulnerabilities, nurture, respect & care for us. Our boundaries enable us to take personal responsibility and give us focus, enabling us to get us off any hooks we have put ourselves on.

The limits we choose to set are the boundaries we create. Our boundaries can also give us restraint, so we don't overdo things, e.g. we don't have to say everything on our minds. They can also support us in living our life for the good. Our boundaries can support our steadfastness in growing & flourishing from the inside out – our own ground. Holding our boundaries is based on the relationship we have with ourseIves (how we are with us), and supported by our boundaries we can manage ambivalence, contradictions & irritations by being able to tolerate things. As we listen & follow our own inner voice that positively guides our actions - our conscience of what's right & wrong, we can make a commitment to care for us in a way a good parent would. From this internal caring place we are less worried about how we are seen in the world, as we honour our internal sense of what is best for us, and that our actions will not harm others. These limits enable us to support, nurture & protect us & be in healthy relationships with others.

Setting Boundaries With Others Our boundaries let people know who we are, what we want & are prepared to put up with (toleration). If someone encroaches on us, crosses our boundaries, then we can speak up in a firm, direct & honest way. (See also Assertiveness)

Our Boundaries Can Help Us

• With our Iife entitlement
• Assert & validate who we are
• Get our needs met
• Protect & take care of our inner space by filtering what enters it
• Take personal responsibility
• Take our own particular stand, because it reflects who we are
• Support our hardiness
• Ground & anchor ourselves
• Support our internal reference point
• Support our commitment to us
• Support our principles, less so our beliefs
• Become our own guardians, with our own conscience, less loyal to externally imposed structures
• Become less dependent on outcomes, less attached to what "should" happen
• Weather setbacks, unpredictability, able to make sense of life, handling adversity
• Put the brakes on, and loosen them when we want to
• See things through
• Manage & filter our thoughts, e.g. "No, I am not going to go there with that thought"
• Contain our feeIings, needs, desires & responses
• Stop any unwanted cycles of behaviour
• Support our selfcontrol, including any unhelpful habits & addictions
• Empower & nurture us, be open or vulnerable with others, yet wisely selecting who we talk to about our vulnerable thoughts & emotions
• Disengage from others, when they are treating us disrespectfully
• Not take things so personally, be more immune to other people's opinions, projections, actions or behaviours (most of what others do or say is not because of us)
• Support our toleration
• Connect with us & others
• Make intimacy safe
• Manage our independence & dependence (Iiving in an interdependent world, as individuals from different cultures, backgrounds, countries we all have our challenges in how to set appropriate limits, and to shape our own destiny, in relationship with others)
• Bring focus & serenity in the midst of challenge or chaos
• Put our attention to where we need to

Boundaries In Childhood Affecting Us Now When we were young we receive a range of subtle & direct boundaries - healthy, loving, firm, fair, consistent, flexible, too tight, too loose, invasive, intrusive, abandoning, controlling, inconsistent, chaotic or non-existent. What wasn't tolerated as a child may be a boundary issue for us now. As children we have little influence on our boundaries - now as adults we are freer to choose. And it can be a challenge as adults to set our boundaries, building healthy relationships, if we didn't receive appropriate models.

Early Influences Through early, healthy relationships we gain a solid sense of who we are with our boundaries. These early relationships help us connect to us and with others. Our experience through relationships with others, teaches us what works for us, and what doesn't.

Renegotiating Our Boundaries Now Without healthy boundaries, it is as if something was lost or removed in our childhood. This can affect how we express and get our needs met, and how we receive & give - our intimacy needs. Therefore for some of us, something can be missing as we try to make sense of the world, believing that others have the solution. We may withdraw, try to fit in, overanalyse, or forever be striving to work things out. What might have been lost in our early relationships, has the potential to be healed through our relationships now, as an adult.

Internal Support As we recognise the importance of achieving what we want, some of us may want to create healthy boundaries to support us in our emotional & psychological health, and intrinsic sense of worth. Healthy boundaries give us a sense of safety & security in the world, especially in times of emotional pressure. Our boundaries can give us the capacity to nurture & affirm who we are.

Flexible Boundaries, Adaptable Boundaries Healthy boundaries can be flexible when needed, so we are fluid, adjusting to change and the unexpected, behaving or responding differently if we need to. Our boundaries, assisted by flexibility, adaptability, can help us become less invaded, more resilient, tolerating the effects of our experiences & connected to who we are. For example, we know when emotions are ours and when they end (about us) & another person's emotions are theirs and when they begin (about them). It can be important to be focused, yet flexibility is also important, so we make the best & creative use of everything, adapting to situations as they arise. Living, thinking, understanding, behaving in inflexible ways may not support us. Being firm yet flexible maybe a challenge. Knowing when to move from being firm or fixed to a more flexible position may help us. Some of us therefore may want to enable our boundaries to be adaptable & flexible, especially to do with our behaviour. Having our heart open, being in touch with our imagination & creativity may support our flexibility.

Breaking Our Own Boundaries Most of us have had the experience of hearing a guiding voice inside us, that says "No, it's best not to do that", but we go ahead and do it anyway, even though we are reasonably sure that the outcome won't be good to us, or will harm others.

Respecting Our Boundaries We may struggle to respect our good boundaries, finding it hard to say in a respecting & caring way, something like "No, I'm not going to do that, even though I want to - if I did, it goes against my grain & I may mess my, or others Iives up."

Holding & Maintaining Our Boundaries Some of us may choose not to trust, listen, acknowledge & follow our caring inner voice. We may be unable to hold on to our boundaries, honouring ourseIves with real commitment, in a way that is nurturing, loving, supporting & protecting as a good parent would.

Clear Boundaries It may be a challenge for some to clarify what their boundaries are. When we are clear with our boundaries, we are in touch with our separateness & uniqueness. We individuate, and are able to express & respond from our own values & principles.

Supporting Change & Conflicts Healthy boundaries support us with inevitable changes & conflicts.

Supporting Our Self-Esteem Our "seIf" is supported when we have our boundaries, which in turn boosts our esteem. Our resilience, hardiness & healthy boundaries can protect us from our "buttons being pressed" and our over-sensitivity.

Appropriateness of Boundaries Our boundaries can serve & limit us, and are dependent on many factors. Some people may want to look at this in the counselling.

Rigid Boundaries Some of us can have overly rigid boundaries, like a solid wall of protection or with strictly defined, inflexible roles & rules. We may withdraw, sulk, shut down or put up our wall as an impermeable boundary. We may become stiff, closed or find it hard to let people in, love, care or nurture us, or receive physical affection. Defended, we can put up barriers, resistances & road blocks. Psychotherapy & counselling can help us become familiar with any useful road maps, as a way forward if that is our need.

Barrier Boundaries To protect us, when we felt unsafe as children & later growing up, we separated from danger, which we needed to do. However we may have continued to close off, shut down, cut off a part of us by creating a boundary between us & what we perceive as threatening. Yet we may be keeping us & others out in ways we may no longer need to. We may continue to subtly or overtly use ways of protecting ourself, which we still need at times, yet they may not be so necessary now. The boundary we use can also become a barrier, if we are always ready for attack, be on the defence or become a frightened observer.

Loose or Porous Boundaries Some people can have boundaries which are loose, and can struggle to set limits with others. Others can have strong boundaries in certain areas, yet have holes in other areas. Tending to soak things up, like a sponge, we can end up porous, or easily punctured, allowing others to take advantage of us, not knowing we have the right to stop this or how to stop this. We may become controlled or manipulated. We may find it difficult to protect us from emotional, sexual, physical or even religious or spiritual invasion.

No Longer Abandoning Us Having our own personal boundaries and asserting them is our own way of protecting & caring, so we don't abandon us. We can abandon us (and others) physically - by not taking care of us, emotionally - by denying or not expressing our feelings, sexually - by, for example, not having safe sex, or spiritually - by not taking personal responsibility for our values & others.

Our Will For some people acknowledging the importance of taking care of themselves is one challenge, and the further challenge may be to do it - make it happen. (For details see Accessing Motivation, Acting From Our Personal Will)

Relationships Our personal boundaries will affect our relationships in many ways (e.g. enmeshment, co-dependency) - for details see Healthy Boundaries & Resilience In Relationships & Being Autonomous Yet Part Of A Couple.