Please note that I use the words "resilience counselling in London", "resilience psychotherapy in London", "psychotherapeutic counselling services London" & "talking therapy" and also "London counsellor for resilience", "London psychotherapist for resilience", "psychotherapeutic counsellor" & "talking therapist" interchangeably. I am trained & accredited as a counsellor, psychotherapist & talking therapist and I am happy to discuss their differences with you.
Counselling Central London Psychotherapy – Resilience Hardiness - Counsellor London Camden Psychotherapist
Resilience, Hardiness & Our Boundaries
Our Boundaries Some of us may be seeking ways to protect us with our boundaries, yet still be open, flexible, connected & strong, no matter what is happening around us, so we can flourish.
Our Resilience Like healthy plants we need the right nourishment, resilience & hardiness, so our physical & emotional needs are met or are in balance. Our resilience & hardiness can be supported by tending to our own needs, our commitment, sense of control, and ability to see events as challenges, in which we can grow without being diminished. Our boundaries can support our steadfastness in growing & flourishing from the inside out – our own ground. What we can draw from inside our character becomes our resilience, and the counselling & psychotherapy can help to explore this.
What Are Boundaries Our personal boundaries are our own framework - what separates us from anyone else. They support us, especially if we are feeling insecure. Our boundaries are our own caring protection field. They give us our internal structure, beginning with our own body - our personal space where we begin & end. They are our internal support system helping us set limits on us and protect us from physical, emotional & mental overload. They can support us, when things are daunting or if we are overwhelmed. They are our foundation and assert "this is me". At a fundamental level our boundaries are when we are pushed so far that we say "No more". To build our boundaries & protect us in the world, it helps to get to know our personal vulnerabilities, nurture, respect & care for us. Our boundaries enable us to take personal responsibility and give us focus.
The limits we choose to set are the boundaries we create. Holding our boundaries is based on the relationship we have with ourseIves. As we listen & follow our own inner voice that positively guides our actions - our conscience of what's right & wrong, we can make a commitment to care for us in a way a good parent would. From this internal caring place we are less worried about how we are seen in the world, as we honour our internal sense of what is best for us, and that our actions will not harm others. These limits enable us to support, nurture & protect us & be in healthy relationships with others.
Our Boundaries Can Help Us
- With our Iife entitlement
- Protect & take care of our inner space by filtering what enters it
- Support our hardiness
- Ground & anchor ourselves
- Support our internal reference point
- Support our commitment to us
- Support our principles, less so our beliefs
- Become our own guardians, with our own conscience, less loyal to externally imposed structures
- Take personal responsibility
- Take our own particular stand, because it reflects who we are
- Become less dependent on outcomes, less attached to what "should" happen
- Weather setbacks, unpredictability, able to make sense of life, handling adversity
- Assert & validate who we are
- Get our needs met
- Put the brakes on, and loosen them when we want to
- Manage our thoughts, e.g. "No, I am not going to go there with that thought"
- Contain our feeIings, needs, desires & responses
- Stop any unwanted cycles of behaviour
- Support our selfcontrol, including any unhelpful habits & addictions
- See things through
- Empower & nurture us, be open or vulnerable with others, yet wisely selecting who we talk to about our vulnerable thoughts & emotions
- Disengage from others, when they are treating us disrespectfully
- Not take things so personally, be more immune to other people's opinions, projections, actions or behaviours (most of what others do or say is not because of us)
- Connect with us & others
- Make intimacy safe
- Manage our independence & dependence (living in an interdependent world, as individuals from different cultures, backgrounds, countries we all have our challenges in how to set appropriate limits, and to shape our own destiny, in relationship with others)
- Bring focus & serenity in the midst of challenge or chaos
Boundaries In Childhood Affecting Us Now When we were young we receive a range of subtle & direct boundaries - healthy, loving, firm, fair, consistent, flexible, too tight, too loose, invasive, intrusive, abandoning, controlling, inconsistent, chaotic or non-existent. As children we have little influence on our boundaries - now as adults we are freer to choose. And it can be a challenge as adults to set our boundaries, building healthy relationships, if we didn't receive appropriate models.
Through early, healthy relationships we gain a solid sense of who we are with our boundaries. These early relationships help us connect to us and with others. Our experience through relationships with others, teaches us what works for us, and what doesn't.
When we felt unsafe as children, we separated from danger. We can also cut off a part of us by creating a boundary between us & what felt threatening. This boundary can also become a barrier if we are always ready for attack, be on the defence or become a frightened observer.
Without healthy boundaries, it is as if something was lost or removed in our childhood. This can affect how we express and get our needs met, and how we receive & give - our intimacy needs. Therefore for some of us, something can be missing as we try to make sense of the world, believing that others have the solution. We may withdraw, try to fit in, overanalyse, or forever be striving to work things out. What might have been lost in our early relationships, has the potential to be healed through our relationships now, as an adult.
Internal Support As we recognise the importance of achieving what we want, some of us may want to create healthy boundaries to support us in our emotional & psychological health, and intrinsic sense of worth. Healthy boundaries give us a sense of safety & security in the world, especially in times of emotional pressure. Healthy boundaries can be flexible when needed. They can help us become less invaded & support us in being more resilient.
Breaking Our Own Boundaries Most of us have had the experience of hearing a guiding voice inside us, that says "No, it's best not to do that.", but we go ahead and do it anyway, even though we are reasonably sure that the outcome won't be good to us, or will harm others.
Respecting Our Boundaries We may struggle to respect our good boundaries, finding it hard to say in a respecting & caring way, something like "No, I'm not going to do that, even though I want to - if I did, it goes against my grain & I may mess my, or others lives up."
Holding & Maintaining Our Boundaries Some of us may choose not to trust, listen, acknowledge & follow our caring inner voice, or have difficulties holding to our boundaries, honouring us with real commitment, in a way that is nurturing, loving, supporting & protecting as a good parent would.
Clear Boundaries It may be a challenge for some to clarify what their boundaries are. When we are clear with our boundaries, we are in touch with our separateness & uniqueness. We individuate, and are able to live by our own values & principles.
Adaptable Boundaries Some of us may want to explore how our boundaries can be adaptable & flexible.
Supporting Change & Conflicts Healthy boundaries support us with inevitable changes & conflicts.
Supporting Our Self-Esteem Our "seIf" is supported when we have our boundaries, which in turn boosts our esteem. Our resilience, hardiness & healthy boundaries can protect us from our "buttons being pressed" and our over-sensitivity.
Appropriateness of Boundaries Our boundaries can serve & limit us, and are dependent on many factors. Some people may want to explore this in counselling.
Rigid Boundaries Some of us can have overly rigid boundaries, like a solid wall of protection or with strictly defined roles & rules. We may withdraw, sulk, shut down or put up our wall as an impermeable boundary. Defended, we can put up resistances & road blocks. Psychotherapy & counselling can help explore any useful roadmaps.
We may become stiff, closed or find it difficult to let people in, love, care or nurture us, or receive physical affection. We can abandon us (and others) physically - by not taking care of us, emotionally - by denying or not expressing our feeIings, sexually - by, for example, not having safe sex, or spiritually - by not taking personal responsibility for our values & others.
Loose or Porous Boundaries Some people can have boundaries which are loose, and can struggle to set limits with others. Others can have strong boundaries in certain areas, yet have holes in other areas. Tending to soak things up, like a sponge, we can end up porous, or easily punctured, allowing others to take advantage of us, not knowing we have the right to stop this or how to stop this. We may become controlled or manipulated. We may find it difficult to protect us from emotional, sexual, physical or even religious or spiritual invasion.
No Longer Abandoning Us Having our own personal boundaries is our own way of protecting & caring, so we don't abandon us.
Our Will For some people acknowledging the importance of taking care of themselves is one challenge, and the further challenge may be to do it - make it happen. (For details see Accessing Motivation, Acting On Our Will)
Relationships Our personal boundaries will affect our relationships in many ways - for details see Healthy Boundaries & Resilience In Relationships & Being Autonomous Yet Part Of A Couple.