Counselling & Psychotherapy

Counselling Central London Psychotherapy, Responsibility, Selfworth, Human Needs, Helpless, Counsellor London Camden Psychotherapist
Our Own Responsibility

Self-Responsibility If the truth is that other people are responsible for what happens inside of us, we will have to wait for others to change. Once it becomes clear to us that we are personally responsible for our own needs, thoughts, feeIings, behaviours, reactions, pressures and willing to change anytime we want, we are able to empower ourselves. Our personal boundaries support this, alongside our selfesteem, confidence & assertiveness. In every moment we can choose our response (see also Our Free Will). Some of us may experience taking personal responsibility as a chore or punishment. We may abandon ourself, bury our heads in the sand, rather than take personal care of our self. Others may hold back, waiting for someone else to do something for them, or to change. We can choose to respond to all our challenges in each moment – response-ability.

Self-Abandonment People usually treat us in similar ways to how we treat us. Therefore if we are abandoning us & have given up, we often experience abandonment by others. It can be as if we are imprisoned in a cell of our own making & shut down. We may choose to protect our self, and make us feeI safe, so no one takes advantage of us or uses us. The lengths we go to may include closing off – becoming aloof, compliant, angry or acquiring unhelpful habits or addictions. Some of us may lose who we are, regress to a younger age or have become very dependent on receiving approval, affirmation, reassurance, recognition, validation, appreciation, praise, permission & confirmation.

Closing Off Some of us can allow our wounded part to criticise, judge, control our thoughts & actions. We may fear or even believe we are incapable of handling painful feeIings, so we can close our heart off. We can often end up treating us or others in neglectful, damaging, blaming or hurtful ways. Our world may have become mundane. We may have lost our sense of humour, taking everything seriously.

Helplessness is very similar to loneliness. We can feeI in a painful, intense turmoil, unable to control things. Shaming & blaming us or others often follows, as we abandon ourself. In certain situations accepting our helplessness or powerlessness whilst remaining strong, can be a real challenge for some. It may not only be uncomfortable for us to feel helpless, but also to be like a victim, martyr. Taking charge of our helplessness, so we help ourselves, may be challenging.

No Longer Abandoning Us As we compassionately experience our authentic feeIings, we are able to treat ourseIves differently. Licking our own wounds, accepting "what is", taking care of us & learning how to let go may be our greatest challenge. When we are in that wounded place it is because of our inner abandonment. Our wounded self often believes we can't handle things & may take control as we attempt to make others understand or connect with us. If we have abandoned who we are, we may have learnt to give to others by trying to fix things or please them, so they don't abandon us. As we notice our responses, manage our wounds & take personal responsibility rather than blame us or others, we are emotionally freer. Our intention can shift from that of protection against pain to willingness to learn & find new ways of managing our pain & hurt.

Being Connected To Who We Are Many of us weren't loved in the way we needed to be (see Unmet Needs), yet we can learn to do this. Some of us may struggle to define our own worth or loveability. Anxious, low or despairing, we may make others responsible for our own uncomfortable feeIings, for making us OK, which can end up disempowering us. We can do things in certain ways in an attempt to control how others feeI about us, whether they accept or reject us. This can cause us anxiety or depression, because we have neglected ourseIf or have not been who we are. If at some level we have abandoned & stopped caring for us, we may become lonely inside. We abandon us when we judge, discount or ignore our feeIings. And when we disconnect from them, we can make others responsible to approve and accept us, which can lead to relationship difficulties. This can also happen if we don't speak up, abandoning who we are through resistance or compliance. Staying connected, being true to who we are, without giving us up to others, or expecting them give themselves up to us, may be our challenge. A further challenge may be allowing us time to reflect, without distraction. A part of us may struggle to grow up. These selfabandonment issues can be included in counselling & psychotherapy.

Neglect Or Nurture We may shut down or withdraw. Others may talk a lot, as a way of avoiding being controlled, rejected or invaded. We may remain stuck in our heads, and not our whole body, or have closed down our heart, struggling to be loving to us & others. Physically we may deprive ourseIves of proper sleep, not exercise or eat well, or ignore the way we look & dress. We may have become neglectful or simply abandoned organising things properly. This can add to our stress by being permanently late, disorganised, chaotic, without order or creating a mess around us. We may put things off. We may earn enough money, yet be overdrawn, unable to save or use it to control or seek others approval. We may expect our partner to take financial responsibility for us, even if they feel uncomfortable doing so (see also Neglect & Apathy In The Relationship). We may disrespect our own needs, without standing up for who we are. Being in touch with our own needs (helped by being in touch with our feelings), expressing our needs & getting our needs met can be challenging. We may fail to nourish ourseIves spiritually – whatever this means for us by easily losing our integrity. As we treat us respectfully, we may notice changes in how others respond to us. Some people may sense they abandon themselves spiritually. This too can be included in the counselling & psychotherapy. We may not only neglect us but also our relationship or marriage.

Self-Neglect We can neglect, disrespect (or sabotage) ourselves in different ways. We can neglect what's important to us, our health, people who matter to us, our self-compassion, caring for ourself, our responsibility to ourself, our existence (that we are) & our essence (the heart & soul of what we are). Certain aspects of our life may have been neglected: our passions, interests, creativity, wellbeing, sense of community, personal reflection. We may have neglected an important aspect of our personality, our body, feelings, mind, sexuality, spirituality. Over time we may have learnt to take things for granted, have an uncaring attitude or focus on tasks, which take us away from what's really important to us and what we value, so our wellbeing suffers. The counselling & psychotherapy can support you in no longer neglecting yourself, so you look after your own needs, and some of this personal neglect may have its roots in childhood.

Self-Nurturing Some of us may have put up walls of protection to not only keep others out, but also stop us from looking after us. When we compassionately take full responsibility for our own authentic feeIings, especially those uncomfortable ones we would not rather have, we are able to thrive. These may include our own helplessness or loneliness, grief or sorrow, heartbreak or heartache. This takes courage to compassionately be with our own suffering & truth, supported by our resilience & personal boundaries, so we no longer abandon us. This may also include the subtle & not so subtle attitudes & behaviours, e.g. how we look after our body, how we censor & select the information we absorb. Overcoming our fear of failing or succeeding may be a challenge. Counselling & psychotherapy may address our own selfcompassion and willingness to give us the attention, acceptance & approval we need, to be both worthy & lovable, in touch with our core seIf. We may also want to use the therapy to get in touch with our self-awareness and own path in life.

Courage Opening our heart to our own courage, willingness to be bold can be explored in the counselling & psychotherapy.

Compassion For Us & Others Compassion is often at the basis of many cultures & religions. It is not always easy to find compassion, especially if we have many expectations, struggling to empathise with others. Attending to ourselves & others well, in a calm way may be challenging. And when we do find our compassion - doing to others what we would have them do to us, it can have a healing quality. Some of us can be in touch with their compassion for their own & others pain in an openhearted way. Others can be in touch with a deeper level of compassion for us, the world & mankind, connected to the universality of suffering & love.

Self-Beliefs We may believe that:

• The care we receive from others means more than caring for ourseIves
• We are not capable or worth having love for us, that others have to love us to prove our own worth
• Others should love us to make up for what we didn't receive as a child
• We can't forgive (us or others)

Self-Worth Some of us may continuously look for approval, affirmation, reassurance, recognition, validation, appreciation, praise, permission, confirmation. We don't have to look outside ourselves for our worth. Believing that happiness is found outside of ourselves, some of us may define our sense of worth through external factors like, the work we do, performance, the way we look & our body shape, our possessions, volume of money in the bank, the amount of sex we have, what others think, we may become extremely jealous at times, and in our relationship or marriage we may deny we have needs, are dependent or are overly needy & dependent. You may want to use the counselling & psychotherapy to be more in touch with you & your intrinsic sense of worth – what you contribute to yourself & the way you are with others (without necessarily wanting anything back in return): e.g. kindness, compassion & generosity of spirit, and to assert your own needs. The effects of your internal monologue may also be considered. We may for example blame ourselves for any of our family's shortcomings. We may be our own worst critic. Liking, loving ourselves, being attentive, respectful, maybe a further challenge.

Our Own Responsibility Sometimes we can feel bad or ashamed about what we have done, our feelings & thoughts, projecting these unwanted judgements & thoughts onto others. Managing these alongside our own heartache is a real challenge. Being honest & trustworthy to us & others (see also Putting Trust In Us), without compromising our own integrity, presents its own challenges. As does taking responsibility for our own happiness & pain, sense of worth & safety. Making our partner responsible for our emotions may be a temptation. We may have handed over our responsibility to society, without taking any personal responsibility and consequently not living from our own ground. Becoming the author of our own life can be a challenge, as may be no longer automatically absorbing the values & beliefs of external authorities. As we take ownership of our life, being responsible for what we make of experiences, we can feel more grounded, connected to our own values. (See also Our Own Path)

Taking Responsibility For Others Some of us may want to take the whole responsibility, e.g. for our partner's pain & hurt (for details see Caretaking – Codependency (Co-Dependency))

Polarities Of Responsibility Some of us can take full responsibility for everything & everyone, and blame ourselves when anything goes wrong. Others take no responsibility, blaming everyone else, believing the problem lies our there, beyond them.

Preparing Our Own Conditions To Support Us Like plants, which need the right healthy conditions to thrive, so too do we. How to be self-accepting, compassionate in our own ground (without being harsh, critical or judgemental of ourselves) may be important. Freeing ourselves from unhelpful distractions, doing what we need to do to feel more at ease with ourself, so we able to self-reflect and listen to us. Creating the right conditions in our relationship or marriage may also be important.

Support Our boundaries support us & self-discipline in taking personal responsibility in healthy ways. Counselling & psychotherapy we can help you define your own worth and what it means to take care of yourself as a powerful, compassionate adult. We may also look at your own contributions which support your sense of worth - how you take worthwhile action for yourself & others, owning what you do.