Counselling & Psychotherapy

Counselling Central London Psychotherapy - Guilt & Shame, Guilty & Ashamed - Counsellor London Camden Psychotherapist
Our Wounds

Childhood Wounds All of us have experienced the hurt of our heart in childhood from someone's comments or unloving behaviour, which was too big & hard to handle for a child, and may continue our way of being as an adult. In most families there are a range of healthy & unhealthy dynamics. We may have felt neglected, abandoned, invaded or abused. From emotional deprivation, our wounded seIf then becomes created, to help us survive. To get our love needs met we learn to adapt. For some, beliefs can set in, that we are wrong, bad, it is our fault if we are being treated unlovingly. It is as if this wounded part of us believes we are unlovable, resulting in fear & pain, as if we are a lost soul at times. This belief can continue into adulthood. Isolated as a child, we can continue to isolate as an adult. We may have learnt to avoid any painful feelings, like envy or jealousy, for protection. What once protected us, may now be a barrier, as this avoidance of our wounds as an adult may now cause our suffering. As an adult now there may be a part of us that is still grieving or re-enacting our unfulfilled childhood. We may have forsaken things in our childhood, that we no longer need to forsake now. (See also Impact Of Our Past)

Adult Wounds All of us have felt wounded as an adult. And in these deep wounds we may try to ignore or bury them, cry or feel like crying like a child. Some of us can get easily punctured or wounded and often we have familiar triggers. Some of these wounds may never entirely go away. Many of us try to avoid feeIings, which we believe we can't manage. We may get anxious or insecure. We may turn to unhelpful habits or addictions. Our wounds may include:

• Wounded pride
• Wounded sadness
• Hurt (and how we get hurt in relationships)
• Disappointment
• Our regrets
• Guilt or shame
• Emptiness
• Loneliness
• Grief, sorrow
• Heartache
• Heartbreak
• Our sensitivities
• Struggles with accepting painful realities

Our Behaviour Feeling bad about us – beating ourseIf up, we can blame others. We can express anger in unhelpful ways. Like wounded animals under threat some of us can attack others, yet struggle to acknowledge the part of us that is wounded. Others simply withdraw, hurt or turn to unhelpful habits or addictions. Our wounded behaviours may point to the need to manage our pain or hurt differently (see Our Hurt & Pain below).

Reactions FeeIings which were too hard to experience as a child, may resurface in our adulthood, and our behaviours can cover them up. When we do this, our wounded self re-emerges. We may experience our own shame or harsh judgement. Some of us may not be in touch or resent this wounded part of us. Others may be so fully in touch with their wounds, that they can't see their way out. Struggling to accept our wounds, we tend to blame either us or others for them. We may withdraw or become resentful, rageful. Any unloving or controlling behaviour we experienced, we now inflict on us & others. Our psychological wounds can affect our physical wellbeing. We may also have redundant beliefs about us & the world.

Guilt & Shame The guilt and shame we experience can go right to the core of our soul. Our shame & guilt can be a strong driver for what we do & how we are in the world now. Some of us may feel disgrace, guilt or remorse for what we have done, or ashamed for who we are & what we've become. We may also feel guilty for things we haven't done. We may also experience existential guilt for not being the person we would like to be. We may have a sense of self-betrayal or deep regret. Fear of being humiliated, exposed, "found out" or vulnerable can go right to the core of our shame. We may also be ashamed of our needs or certain feelings. We may hate a part of us & find it hard to forgive ourselves. We may have experienced traumatic events or hold secrets from our past, which contribute to our sense of guilt & shame. The burden of shame we carry can spiral, weigh us down, or make us want to withdraw. Yet our guilt or shame can have a healing value, when we are in touch with our sorrow, reparation, restoration & empathy. The therapy can allow the space to talk about our own guilt & shame. Being genuinely proud of who we are and what we have done may be important to us. Letting go of our guilt & shame, so we are contented and thrive, may be our need.

Abandoning Ourself When we are in our own wounded place it may well point to our own inner abandonment. Soothing ourself, being able to lick our wounds & being resilient may assist. Learning to trust again may be important to us.

Counselling Central London Psychotherapy - Hurt & Pain - Counsellor London Camden Psychotherapist
Our Hurt & Pain

Hurt & Pain In Relationships Often we can attract a partner, who has a similar level of need or wound, in the hope that they meet our needs and heal our wounds. Each others' wounds can get reignited & the challenge in counselling & psychotherapy may be to find ways to heal our own wounds and meet our own unmet needs. We may also select a partner, who seems less wounded than us in the hope that they can look after us & be in the perfect relationship of our dreams. Conversely, ignoring our own wounds we may believe our partner is more wounded, or carries all the wounds. Stuck in our wounded place we may try to control our partner & outcomes by believing that if we get their love, all will be well, or that if we love enough, we will be loved & powerful. Much of what happens may be going on unconsciously. (See also Relationship Counselling & Marriage Counselling)

Our Hurt Our hurt can linger when we continue to replay and hold on to past hurts in our mind. Hurting so much can stop us being positive. We may have learnt to suppress our hurt, get stuck with it, feel sorry for us or dump hurt onto others. We may want to hurt others, lack sensitivity or care about other people's emotions. Others may be very sensitive to being upset or hurt. We may find it hard to communicate what it is that is hurting us, reflect & gain insight into our hurt. We may struggle to let go of our hurt, so we take our power back & move on. Others may be used to looking after others hurt & pain, yet struggle to recognise their own (see also Caretaking - Codependency (Co-Dependency)).

Managing Our Pain Back Then & Now When we were younger we may have felt overwhelmed by painful experiences. People may have treated us badly, they may have left or died, we may have felt lonely or scared. Back then we developed ways of managing our pain (maybe copying how others tried to cope, shutting down our pain or acting it out), so we could survive with the limited tools we had available. The systems for managing our pain became our way of coping, including our judgement, blame, shame, guilt or control. And our ways of coping back then may not be working for us so well now if we are miserable or empty inside (see also Impact Of Our Past). Counselling & psychotherapy can help us with our grief, letting go or managing our old wounds & pain now, with our sense of calm, compassion & responsibility, so we are more connected with who we are, rather than our wounds.

Lonely Inside Some of us may experience deep loneliness or suffer from existential angst. Counselling & psychotherapy can provide the space to reflect upon these issues.

In Touch With Our Innocence . The therapy can also support you in connecting to other aspects of yourself, including your spontaneity, sense of innocence, love, joy, pleasure, creativity (what some people call liberating our child within).