UK Council for Psychotherapy

UKCP

Accredited Psychotherapist

British Association for
Counselling & Psychotherapy

BACP

Accredited Counsellor

Counselling & Psychotherapy
Central London, Camden, Kings Cross, London NW1
Glen Gibson - Dip. Counselling, MA Psychotherapy, Dip. Psychotherapy
UKCP & mBACP Accredited male Therapist, Counsellor & Psychotherapist

therapy@counselling-london.org.uk 020 7916 1342

Unhealed Wounds

Google by Glen Counselling. Please note that I use the words "wracked with guilt counselling London", "wracked by guilt counselling London", "shame counselling London", "counselling London for guilty", "counselling London for ashamed", "psychotherapy London", "psychotherapeutic counselling services London" & "talking therapy" and also "London counsellor", "London psychotherapist", "counselling in Camden Town", "counselling in Kings Cross", "psychotherapeutic counsellor in London" & "talking therapist" interchangeably. I am trained & accredited as a counsellor, psychotherapist & talking therapist and I am happy to discuss their differences with you.
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Our Wounds

Central London Counselling or Psychotherapy in Camden, London NW - wounded, hurt, wracked by guilt

Childhood Wounds We are all wounded in some way. How we were seen, met, heard, understood, responded to affects our own script, relationships now and unmet mirroring. None of us have got through home, school life and the experience of people around us without some level of wounding. All of us have experienced the hurt feelings of our heart in childhood (including any traumas) from someone's comments or unloving behaviour, which was too big & hard to handle for a child, and we may continue coming from this hurt place in our way of being as an adult. In most families there are a range of healthy and unhealthy dynamics and we may not have received the nurturing we needed and without adequate healing this can continue now in our relationships. We may have been on the receiving end of blame, criticism and end up blaming ourselves now. We may have felt neglected, abandoned, invaded or abused, having little trust now. Our childhood may have prematurely come to an end. From emotional deprivation, our wounded seIf (the part of us that through our need to survive things has learnt different ways of trying to control our painful feelings & outcomes to protect us) then becomes created, to help us survive. Yet our wounds don't have to be set in stone. To get our love needs met we learn to adapt. For some, beliefs can set in, that we are wrong, bad, it is our fault if we are being treated unlovingly or not protected. It is as if this wounded part of us believes we are unlovable, resulting in fear & pain, as if we are a lost soul at times. This belief can continue into adulthood as if we are bonded by our childhood wounds (see also Our First Relationship - Early Connections & Bonding Patterns). Isolated as a child, we can continue to isolate as an adult. We may have learnt to avoid any painful feelings, e.g. envy or jealousy, for protection. We may have closed off, shut down, numbed our feelings, bottled things up. What once protected us, may now be a barrier, as this avoidance of our wounds as an adult may now cause our suffering. As an adult now there may be a part of us that has a wounded heart, is still grieving or re-enacting our unfulfilled childhood. We may have forsaken things in our childhood through our wounded, fearful self, that we no longer need to forsake now. These may have been things we couldn't handle in our past that we want to find the resources for now, so we can change the things we want to change. We may have convinced ourselves that there were things we could do to get our parents to love us and still try to control this in our current relationship, impacting on how we give, receive, share love. (See also Impact Of Our Past)

Adult Wounds Through carrying a collection of childhood wounds we may be at some level living as an eternal child. From childhood, we may have inherited some distorted views about what love is. Sensitive at times, often it is easier to see wounds in others that are our own. It may not be unusual for us to attract partners who remind us of one of our parents or who are at a common level of woundedness (see also Fear Of Separation, Loss, Rejection & Abandonment Issues), yet also we have the opportunity to attract others around us at our common level of health so when we are loved, accepted for exactly who we are we are also able to accept, love ourselves. All of us have felt wounded as an adult (and maybe our own parents at times were too wounded to help us). And in these deep wounds we may try to ignore or bury them, cry or feel like crying like a child. Some of us can get easily punctured or wounded and often we have familiar hooks, triggers, where our buttons can get pressed. Some of these wounds may never entirely go away. We may no longer want them to pervade our life (or the unhelpful habitual thinking patterns, running commentary of our wounded self). Many of us try to avoid feeIings, which we believe we can't manage, which may be associated with primary wounds when younger, which we may continue to carry now in our painbody. We may get anxious or insecure, maybe believing love isn't safe or love means loss (of ourself or the other). We may turn to unhelpful habits or addictions. The effects of bullying now or in the past can have huge impact on us. There may have been experiences we couldn't handle when younger, because we didn't know how to back then, which we can now address with our adult resources. Our wounds may include:

We Learnt To Interpret How Our Parents Were "Loving" They may have loved us under certain conditions:

  • That we cleaned our room (equating love with tidiness, neatness)
  • That only some emotions would be acceptable, e.g. if we never got angry (equating love with only allowing, expressing certain emotions)
  • That doing things perfectly makes us loved (equating love with trying to be perfect)
  • That as children, we should take care of our parents (equating love with caretaking)
  • That if we were "loved" with the messages given through food or through experience of sexual abuse then our wounded self equates love with food (which may be linked to emotional eating now) or sex

Our Behaviour Feeling bad inside - beating ourself up, we can blame others. We can express anger in unhelpful ways. Like wounded animals under threat some of us can attack others, yet struggle to acknowledge the part of us that is wounded. Others simply withdraw or turn to unhelpful habits or addictions. Our wounded behaviours may point to the need to manage our pain or hurt differently.

Beliefs From Our Wounded, Fearful Place Our wounded self focuses from fear. Some of us may experience a familiar voice of limitation, which back in time helped us survive, kept us safe, yet now may keep us small, limit us by struggling to take risks, because we are stuck in believing our old fears, e.g. if we want something to happen, our wounded, fearful self - that was formed in order to protect our survival (which we needed to do back then) will find reasons why things can't be done now. Self-absorbed, our entire focus may be from our wounded self, hoping that others will fix us, make things better, not judge us. Yet ironically it is often we who is doing the judging. Some of our beliefs may include that we are not enough, not liked, don't deserve to be loved, inferior (see also Self-Esteem, Confidence, Criticism, Insecurity & Assertiveness) we should just get on with it (see also Unhelpful Self-Beliefs). If our parents didn't give us enough loving time when younger, we can seek out others in our intimate relationships who treat us the way we wanted our parents to and feel ashamed and carry this with us now. We may also believe we need to be perfect, guarded, protect our heart until we know it's safe to love, that things are too difficult, we might fail, there is not enough time, that if we take responsibility for caring for ourself we will end up alone. And from a familiar wounded place inside of us (often influencing our early unconscious beliefs) and fearing loss, we may be attached to controlling outcomes, others (or our partner), which we cannot control. From our wounded place we may want to control others by believing we are responsible for their feelings or make them responsible for ours (see also Codependency (Co-Dependency) - Caretaking). In trying to avoid pain, emptiness our wounded self may believe we have to use strategies to get love, approval, affirmation, safety. We may also believe that trying to be safe - having control over this is loving which can result in anxiety. And from this wounded place of fear we will focus on the outside to obtain security, love and therefore try to control the outside experience, which of course we can't. Choosing our intent to be loving ourself may support us. Any limiting beliefs may not entirely disappear, yet as we step away from them, our attitude to them can transform & empower us. A further challenge may be for our wounded self to believe and trust that our loving adult is taking, choosing a better path (see also Our Own Path), as we get in touch with our own truth. (See also Avoiding Fear & What May Lay Underneath It)

Abandoning Ourself When we are in our own wounded place it may well point to our own inner abandonment of our fear-based small or adult self. So if our own essence got squashed, invaded, unheard or ignored, or we received mixed messages because for whatever reasons our parents were ambivalent or unable to tune into us, give us the validation, reassurance, recognition, approval, acceptance, we too may do the same, not listening or responding to the wounds from our childhood or adult wounds now, mirroring what we experienced when younger. From the eyes of our wounded self (see also Responding To & Managing Our Painful Feelings Back Then & Now) we may struggle to see our essence. Some of us may take some sort of negative pleasure from staying wounded or becoming like a victim. Soothing ourself, being able to lick our wounds & being resilient may assist. Learning to trust again, be intimate, coming from our core self, less our wounded self (ego) may be important to us. We may experience our wounded self (e.g. as bad, unworthy, with much to do or fixed, that we must change and understand everything) as an illusion based on our false beliefs. No longer abandoning ourself, accepting ourself as we truly are - being in the present moment may now be a priority.

Central London Counselling and Psychotherapy in Camden, London NW - hurt, wounded, wracked with guilt

Reactions Feelings which were too hard to experience as a child, may resurface in our adulthood, and our behaviours can cover them up. When we do this, our wounded self re-emerges, where we can become self-righteous. We may experience our own shame or harsh judgement. Some of us may not be in touch or resent this wounded part of us. Others may be so fully in touch with their wounds, that they can't see their way out. Struggling to accept our childhood wounds, we tend to blame either us or others for them. We may withdraw or become resentful, rageful. Any unloving or controlling behaviour we experienced, we now inflict on us & others. Our psychological wounds can affect our physical wellbeing (see also Our Body's Interconnectedness To Our Thoughts, Emotions, Etc). We may also have redundant beliefs about us & the world. Others may experience a sense of meaninglessness.

Compassion For Our Wounded, Fearful Self Living from our adult self may be important for us and our wounded self may need our compassionate attention, as we bring this part of ourself on board. The wounded part of us (who may feel hurt, angry, anxious or depressed) - living behind our masks, defences, created to hold unbearable fears, painful feelings, which threatened our survival, because things were too big or dangerous to us back then, may have prevented our real self emerging, deeply feeling our feelings, which can bring grief, anger. We may be faced with risking opening our heart, deeply & patiently connecting with ourselves, opening to others in deep, meaningful ways, as we let go of what we need to - no longer attached to outcomes, controlling others, trusting that all will be well, that we can relax because we are being our self - real. Counselling and psychotherapy can support us in honouring, validating, appreciating, having warmth, respecting & giving attention to our wounded child (and being aware of the associated memories), so we can now understand, process and manage painful feelings, emptiness, loneliness and through connection with the innocence of our inner child, be in our own loving adult, seeing love for what it actually is, re-parenting our wounded self, taking full responsibility for our feelings, thoughts and any wounded, controlling behaviours viewing them with lightness, humour.

Counselling Central London Psychotherapy - Hurt & Pain - Counsellor London Camden Psychotherapist
Guilt, Shame & Loathing

Guilt We may feel genuinely guilty for what we've done - maybe something ethically or morally wrong, intentionally hurting someone, and want to make an effort to correct, put right our mistakes and apologise. Feeling guilty is natural & healing. It helps push us to correct our mistakes, ask for forgiveness from the person we hurt, and helps change our ways. Some may hold onto a permanent sense of guilt and respond by trying to please others maybe in codependent ways. Stewing in our guilt, we may be seeking guilt help, guilt therapy or shame help, shame therapy.

Central London Counselling or Psychotherapy in Camden, London NW1 - guilty, wounded or hurt, wracked by guilt

Feeling Guilty For The Wrong Reasons Our guilt, alongside our self-blame, self-criticism, self-judgement (some of it from our childhood) can weigh us down and we may be carrying a guilty conscience. Sometimes we can feel guilty about things we have no reason to - feel guilty for having any needs, asking for them, saying "No" or guilty of enjoying anything pleasurable or having fun, what we do well or relaxing. We may also feel guilty when not sacrificing ourselves. We may not only feel guilty for things we haven't done, but also experience existential guilt for not being the person we would like to be, and the counselling & psychotherapy can help support us through this. What we tell ourselves - our self-judgement & critical voices, anger, depression, anxiety dating back from the connections we made from our wounded feelings, may also affect our guilt & shame now. We may blame, criticise ourself, even for the things outside of our control. Some of us may not only take on our own guilt but also unnecessarily allow others to make us feel guilty, as if we are responsible for their happiness. Counselling & psychotherapy can support us in recognising these, so we can forgive ourselves and the therapy may also include exploration of our unhelpful habitual thinking patterns, negative thoughts & their meanings. The therapy may also explore our thoughts about perfectionism and need to get things right. "I should..." may be a frequent, nagging voice. Our pent up guilty feelings may be stuck in our body, which may need to be released, grieved. We may be stuck with regrets, wondering "What if?", which feeds our guilt, and struggle to move towards "What now?" or allow any positive thoughts.

Holding On To Guilt, Shame Some, wracked by guilt, may feel remorse, regret, disgrace for what we have done or said, our behaviour or self-sabotaging ways, the mistakes we've made. We may have become ashamed for who we are & what we've become, affecting our decision making. We may have a sense of self-betrayal or deep regret, self-loathing or hatred. Some of us may "go on guilt trips" (or be in contact with others who try to make us feel guilty), have a "guilty conscience", "guilt complex", beating ourself up so much so that we may struggle to pinpoint exactly why we feel guilty - for what we've done or ashamed - for who we are.

Hiding Our Feelings Out Of Shame When we feel feelings we may feel ashamed. We may have difficulties receiving love, struggle to ask for what we need, get our basic dependency needs met.

London Counselling Services and Psychotherapy in London, Camden - guilty or wracked by guilt

Carrying Shame For some, core shame can have strong hold on us, repressed deep inside our heart, we may feel unworthy. Sometimes unaware we are experiencing shame, we may feel it unconsciously yet carry it in our demeanor. Our shame may also carry biological responses (e.g. blood rushing to our head). Our guilt & shame can be a strong driver for what we do & how we are in the world. Most of us experience shame, some of this may be generational, which we continue to carry now. We may have memories of being spontaneous & surprised, playful, happy, excited, maybe passionate about something, possibly innocent or vulnerable, and this innocence, vulnerability may have got crashed, where we may have been ridiculed, shamed, which may have been humiliating for us. And we may fear disconnection, not belonging now. We may have experienced traumatic events, been too exposed or hold secrets from our past, which may be corrosive and contribute to our sense of guilt, shame or humiliation. Unexpected, unanticipated shameful events may have happened in our past and there was no one to help, compassionately acknowledge what we went through & repair the damaging effects. We may have needed reassurance, soothing, some empathy and acceptance with what we experienced. Empty inside, every so often we may have triggers & reminders now about our shame for things that happened a very long time ago (see also Relationship Style, Attachment Patterns). For some of us, it can be as if there was no one there for us to trust then and we may abandon ourselves now. We may struggle to build shame resilience, regulate our shame now in our life (see also Bringing Our Shame, Guilt Out Of The Dark Can Help Alleviate Us From It). We may feel ashamed now if others blame us or are jealous of us, as if somehow something is wrong with us. Washing away our shame, healing this, may be important to us.

Shame & Its Effects Trauma generates shame and the shame we feel is traumatic in itself, overwhelming at times. The shame and humiliation we experience can be debilitating affecting our confidence, esteem. Our shame can almost feel innate. Fear of humiliation, embarrassment, being "found out" (often as a fraud), can go right to the core of our soul, as if we are not willing to expose who we are, even to ourself. We may also be ashamed of our needs or certain feelings, especially connected with our sensitivities, vulnerability, tenderness, intimacy, loneliness and need to belong. We may have become reliant on others to relieve our shame or started to please others. The burden of shame we carry (and associated off track thinking), can spiral, weigh us down, or make us want to withdraw, both in our relationship and personally. Turning inwards on ourself, shame & exposure may affect our painbody and body language, sense of learnt helplessness, inadequacy, powerlessness. Struggling to assert ourself or squirming, it can be as if we want to disappear. We may have gone into hiding ourselves, even our good qualities. Feeling "wicked" inside, we may hate a part of us - loathe ourselves, feel despondent in our self-hatred, as if our shame has become toxic. We may even feel we deserve these bad feelings. As if we are wicked inside, caught in our self-loathing & self-hatred, we may want to stop feeling guilty, ashamed and turn to unwanted habits or addictions, which feed off each other. We may be seeking self-loathing help, self-hatred help. We can feel deflated, rejected, understandably angry. We can turn our anger inwards on ourselves or onto others. A cloud of disappointment, depression may hang over us. Our flight, fight, freeze (freezing the shame - becoming passive, helpless) mechanism may be evoked. This frozen, unacknowledged shame (often unconscious) may become toxic. In its unhealthy, toxic aspect, we can have negative self-beliefs, destructive behaviours including in our relationship by becoming controlling, blaming, criticising. We may feel like a victim - even a martyr, struggling to be compassionate and forgive ourself, accepting our past, so we no longer devalue our self and feel safe now.

Origins Of Our Core Shame The origins of our core shame may include:

  • Being shamed as a baby or child, setting up false beliefs about our self (see also Our First Relationship - Early Connections & Bonding Patterns)
  • Not being loved in the way we needed and blaming ourselves for this as if there is something wring with us
  • Absorbing our parents' shame & false beliefs
  • Being singled out, being humiliated, being shamed by others for being alone, different, believing we are at fault
  • Believing we can't be loved for our vulnerabilities
London Counselling Services and Psychotherapy in London, Camden - guilty or wracked by guilt

Bringing Our Shame, Guilt Out Of The Dark Can Help Alleviate Us From It Our guilt or shame, when brought to light with compassion, can have a healing transformative value. Distinguishing between our toxic shame (e.g. when we were inappropriately shamed) and healthy shame, may be important, so when we are in touch with our healthy shame - the social emotion that regulates our social behaviour, it can help us be real, shape our morality, regulate how we socially interact. Letting go of trying to get love from others without giving this to ourself may also help bring our shame to light. Believing we cause others to feel and behave the way they do, the therapy can allow the space to talk about, express, share, explore our own guilt, self-hatred and shame at our own pace - in its healthy & unhealthy aspects, so we don't have to feel so inadequate, are not so wracked with or wrapped up by them. When we compassionately feel (especially when we are in touch with our sorrow), let go of our guilt & shame, self-criticism & blame, allowing room for reparation, restoration & empathy, we have the potential to feel more, contented and thrive, boosting our esteem & confidence. Rediscovering the healthy side of being selfish, our healthy sex life, passion, creativity, courage (without the "Who do you think you are?" background voice), which may have got lost, buried, crushed or shamed, may also be important to us. Being genuinely proud of who we are and what we have done, in touch with our own values. Counselling & psychotherapy can support us in bringing to light our shame, healing this shame & guilt that has surrounded us (including secrecy, silence, judgement) - a place we no longer want to live from, as through self compassion we recover our sense of self, be in touch with our desires, passions, creativity, be proud.

Taking On Others' Shame & Blame With its origins in our history, some of us take on someone else's shame, blame, turning this on to ourselves - taking others' shaming, blaming in as ours. We may also do this because we feel lonely or heartbroken, that we are being treated badly, helpless over their feelings or behaviour, taking their responses personally as we struggle to accept our helplessness over them (see also Receiving Our Partner's Projections). Giving up our need to control others and our willingness to feel our core painful feelings may support us as we no longer abandon ourself, when someone else is unloving to us.

Counselling Central London Psychotherapy - Hurt & Pain - Counsellor London Camden Psychotherapist
Trauma

Effects Of Trauma Grief, prolonged stress, anxiety, can continue to traumatise us. We may also have experienced past traumas (or flashbacks now), as if we have been violated in some way, affecting our safety, integrity, painbody, including our body, feelings, mind connection), our esteem, patterns of thinking, behaving, thoughts, beliefs & triggers alongside our narratives where associated and similar past events continue to affect us, arousing fear, stimulating our fight, flight, freeze response. And much of these responses including our relationship style may be unconscious including any repetition compulsion. What was unbearable, threatening then can become unbearable and continue to be threatening now, and stuck in a sort of survival mode, we can sometimes lose our sense of self, feel isolated, go numb, unbalanced, as if watching ourself from afar, become understandably defensive. The therapy can offer support in finding our own ways to manage our overwhelming emotions, feel safe enough inside, so we don't unnecessarily over-traumatise ourselves again. Grieving old traumas, letting go of what we need to let go of, including our shame, taming our fear, may be important and put us in touch with an empowering narrative, more enriched life, our sense of direction alongside our resilience.

Supporting Someone Close To Us With Trauma It can sometimes be distressing for us to be with someone we care about who is traumatised therefore w may need to take good care of ourself. It can be tempting to take it away, rush healing or judge them. Sometimes just listening, being with them can help healing.

Counselling Central London Psychotherapy - Hurt & Pain - Counsellor London Camden Psychotherapist
Our Hurt Feelings & Emotional Pain

Lonely Inside Some of us may experience deep loneliness, emptiness from the place of our wounded self or suffer from existential angst. Counselling & psychotherapy can provide the space to reflect upon these issues alongside supporting you connecting with aspects of yourself, which may have laid dormant (see Connecting To The Innocence Of Our Childhood - Our Child Within).

Hurt Feelings & Emotional Pain In Relationships There may be hurt in our relationship. Often we can attract a partner, who has a similar level of need (or childhood wounds), in the hope that they meet our needs and heal our wounds. Each may have abandoned themselves in order that the other heals them. We may gravitate towards a partner similar to our parents that we have unresolved issues with. Each others' wounds can get reignited & the challenge in counselling & psychotherapy may be to find ways to heal our own childhood wounds, hurt feelings and meet our own unmet needs. We may also select a partner, who seems less wounded than us in the hope that they can look after us & be in the perfect relationship of our dreams. Conversely, ignoring our own wounds we may believe our partner is more wounded, or carries all the wounds. Stuck in our wounded place we may try to control our partner & outcomes by believing that if we get their love, all will be well, or that if we love enough, we will be loved & powerful. Some of us may struggle with asking for what we need. Much of what happens in our relationship may be going on unconsciously. (See also Relationship Counselling & Marriage Counselling)

Our Hurt Feelings, Emotional Pain Some may be used to looking after others' hurt & pain, yet struggle to recognise their own (see also Codependency (Co-Dependency) - Caretaking).Certain pain, that comes from deep inside, can take time to be discovered. Our hurt feelings can linger when we continue to replay and hold on to past hurts in our mind. Hurting so much can stop us being positive. We may have learnt to suppress our hurt feelings, emotional pain, get stuck with it, feel sorry for us or dump hurt onto others. We may want to hurt others, lack sensitivity or care about other people's emotions. Others may be very sensitive to being upset or hurt, overwhelmed by emotional pain or fear (including fear of rejection, abandonment). We may find it hard to communicate what it is that is painful, hurting us, reflect & gain insight into our hurt feelings, emotional pain. Our pain may include uncomfortable feelings, loneliness, vulnerability, fear, anxiety, helplessness over others' outcomes, grief, loss (see also Our Painbody). We may be so wrapped up in anger, frustration, resentment, have become unhappy, that the world looks different. Our emotionally painful feelings can hold us back, forgetting what's important to us, taking us further away from any goals, plans. We may struggle to let go of our hurt, forgive, so we take our power back, move on & learn to trust ourselves again.

The truth that many people never understand, until it is too late, is that the more you try to avoid suffering the more you suffer because smaller and more insignificant things begin to torture you in proportion to your fear of being hurt. Thomas Merton

Protective Patterns, Over-Defensiveness We all have our egos, defences, protective patterns (partially formed from our early attachment, bonding affecting relationship and attachment style now) and need them. Being defensive, utilising our personal boundaries, protects us & we need these attributes and responses, yet for some, our boundaries may be overly rigid become like barriers and although an adult now (see also Struggling To Grow Up), we may fear relinquishing our familiar defences, cover them up including how upset we are, our hurt or be cynical, sarcastic, feel inferior, superior. (Some may covertly sulk or sulk overtly, especially in our relationships - maybe through using silences, withdrawing). We may suppress, repress our feelings, internalising them, withdraw, withhold. Being overly-defensive - responding disproportionately to something, e.g. by comparing, unnecessarily competing, numbing our feelings, closing off, shutting things down, bottling things up, controlling, withdrawing or attacking in our relationship (when overly sensitive and our buttons are pressed, our triggers or hooks get activated) may not help us in constructive interactions. We may live as if only we count. Sometimes we may need to get out of our own way yet from the place of our ego we must be right as we rigidly hold on to our defences. Our ego may be driven by what others think, our reputation, our fears rather than who we are - our self, our values, just being. The therapy can support us in exploring what it is we may be defending against, any old defences or protective patterns, old survival traits, we continue to justify to ourself, which may now be redundant. We may for example have felt powerless or like a victim when younger, yet this may not support us now. When we are being defensive, these uncomfortable feelings (often of emptiness) can be experienced differently in our body. We may want to respond to this differently, so we are freer to relax, accept others' points of view, acknowledging we may not always be right. The counselling and psychotherapy may also explore what part of us is in resistance, intellectualising, struggling to let go, our stumbling blocks, obstacles, reluctances, our intentions behind our thoughts, the benefits and meaning of what is being defended against, who or what we are trying to control and any other ways we can frame our beliefs, so they support us, as we get in touch with our humility. The therapy may also consider how our own sense of worth, confidence need to change, may adversely affect us and also explore how our defences may also impact upon our relationship, e.g. projecting onto our partner our unwanted feelings and how free our choices to be open, vulnerable in giving and receiving love so we no longer abandon us.

Responding To & Managing Our Painful Feelings Back Then & Now When we were younger we may have felt overwhelmed by painful experiences or lacked secure & loving attachments. People may have treated us badly, they may have left or died, we may have felt lonely, scared or inconsolable. Back then we developed ways of managing, burying our pain (maybe copying how others tried to cope, shutting down our emotional pain or acting it out), so we could survive within the limited tools we had available. Wounded, we may have developed fantasies in our interpretations, held on to assumptions to avoid what was too painful back then and continue to do this now, continuing to believe that ignoring our feelings will ease our pain. Avoiding our pain may not necessarily support our resilience. The systems for responding to & managing our emotional pain became our way of coping, including our judgement, blame, shame, guilt or control, developing loyalties, oaths or sacred cows, turning to unhelpful habits, addictions, which now hold us back. And our ways of coping back then may not be working for us so well now if we are miserable or empty inside (see also Impact Of Our Past). Serving us little purpose, we may no longer want to carry the hurt or burdens of our past. Dropping our hurt, letting it out, moving towards a different place, may now matter to us. Becoming no longer afraid of our core painful feelings, experiencing them, learning to manage them, acknowledging our suffering & love, may deeply affect us, as we liberate ourself from our past feelings. Counselling & psychotherapy can help us with our grief, letting go, responding to & managing our old childhood wounds & emotional pain now, taking responsibility and being with this wounded part of ourselves, able to endure suffering and open our heart, with our sense of calm, compassion & responsibility, so we are more connected with who we are, rather than our wounds, as we develop our resilience maybe choosing the long way home. Stronger inside we may be more equipped to respond to hurt in our relationship, marriage - much of which may be linked to our early attachment, relationship style.

Healing Our Wounded Self When we were younger, it can be as if we have created a wounded self in order to help us survive pain, hurt, loneliness, helplessness, heartbreak. We learnt many protective strategies, behaviours, to avoid the pain which back then we were too small to manage. This wounded part of us also carries various false or limiting beliefs, e.g. that to hurt is a failure, defeat, that we are empty inside, that others, especially our partner, should treat the way we wanted our parents to. We may have got used to pain rather than believing we can reduce it, heal it. It can be a challenge to unpack our own judgements of our behaviours and beliefs, learn about them, be in touch with our pain & innocence of our inner child, no longer dependent on others to make us feel loved, safe, freer to choose pleasure rather than familiar pain (see also Victim Or Martyr). Usually when we avoid emotional pain, repressing it, warding it off, it increases. Recognising our pain (see also Our Painbody), accepting it, that negative experiences & painful emotions are a part of life, yet disidentify from them can help us embrace our painful thoughts and feelings, so they no longer hold us back as we develop our own ways to overcome them, compassionately healing what we need to heal. We may want to open our heart to the depths of our soul - our suffering & love, be emotionally freer. The counselling and psychotherapy can support you utilising your personal boundaries in this process and also considers the forces of the unconscious, integration of all your feelings.

Finding our way through our pain, psychological wounds, can strengthen us (see also Emotional Responsibility; Emotional Energy, Emotional Health, Emotional Wellbeing, Emotional Evaluation, Emotional Resilience, Emotional Intelligence, Emotional Growth, Emotional Maturity - Being Emotionally Connected). Most of us don't welcome emotional pain (and sometimes the flow of tears can help us navigate through our pain) - see also Overwhelmed By Feelings - Managing, Regulating & Transmuting Our Emotions, Core Painful Feelings. Finding our way through it can empower us, put us in touch with our home truths. Our physical pain reminds us of a need to pay attention and respond to what is happening in our body and our emotional pain may also be viewed as a symptom that something inside of us needs attention. Our emotional pain can be seen as a message that our thoughts, choices, behaviours are not working and understanding the meaning of these messages can enable us to learn what needs to be accepted or changed and for deep healing as we take responsibility for what we can do differently. Our pain (see also Our Painbody) can help us take stock, review our lifestyle, changing what we need to. And as we no longer clamp this down our our emotional pain can broaden our perspective, help us value the preciousness of life, enable us to be more appreciative, creative, compassionate, reach out to others, belong, move us forward & motivate us by fighting back & improving ourselves with the potential to open up our sense of joy, humour, playfulness, laughter, aliveness. (See also Suffering & Love)

We are not held back by the love we didn't receive in the past, but by the love we're not extending in the present. Marianne Williamson

Questions About Counselling For Childhood Wounds, Guilt, Shame, Self-Hatred, Self-Loathing We may have questions about emotional pain, how to stop feeling guilty & guilt therapy, dealing with shame & shame therapy, e.g.:

  • What is emotional pain?
  • Shame help, shame problem - what is the meaning of shame? What is shame counselling?
  • Healing shame - is dealing with shame possible and how can shame therapy help?
  • What is the difference between feelings of guilt and feeling ashamed?
  • Feelings of guilt - how can I stop feeling guilty? Does guilt counselling help?
  • Why am I so wracked with guilt
  • Why do I so feel guilty
  • Exactly what is a guilty conscience? Can guilt therapy help?
  • What is a guilt complex? How can I get guilt help?
  • Is overcoming guilt possible?
  • Dealing with emotional pain - how to deal with emotional pain?
  • Emotional pain help - is healing emotional pain possible?
  • What is the difference between self-hatred and self-loathing?
  • Self-hatred help, self loathing help - what is self-hatred therapy?

Counselling London Psychotherapy Central London

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