Counselling & Psychotherapy

Counselling London Psychotherapy Camden
Our Life Now - Clarifying the present situation

Introduction From time to time concerns in our l i f e come to the foreground and need paying attention to. You may want to come to terms with an important issue or transition in your life, make specific decisions, work through uncomfortable f e e l i n g s or think things through. Relationship concerns may be a priority for you. The counselling & psychotherapy process involves taking time to explore your current situation, who you are now, where you would like to be, and what stops you getting there, so far.

Counselling London Psychotherapy Camden
Impact Of Our Past

Influences That Shape Our L i f e We are not the product of our past. Our childhood is not causal to who we truly are - our individual characteristics and our very being, our deepest sense of our core s e l f. However, we are shaped by the impact of our past through early family interactions, dynamics, experiences, expectations, roles, interpretations and comments made about us. These aspects don't rule our lives exclusively, yet play an important part.

Other interacting factors which shape our l i f e include:

• Our biology & genes (DNA) - the things that are inherited
• Our personality & temperament (eg. introvert or restrained, extrovert or bubbly)
• Our environmental & social structures, including, social "norms", the prevailing thinking at the time & our position with regard to authority & power
• Our educational, ethnic, cultural, sexual & religious background & heritage
• The impact of our experiences, "the water that has flowed, under the bridge"
• Fortune, "good or bad luck"

All these aspects, including our genetically-determined dispositions, don't exclusively determine our characteristics or our destiny. Our history therefore does not define us.

Exploring & Releasing Our Past The purpose of exploring & releasing our past is not to judge or blame o u r s e l v e s, our families or upbringing, but more to understand the impact of our history, our family dynamics & roots.

Understanding The Impact Of Our Past Some of us may want to fill in the gaps in our childhood, to make sense of them. Others may have difficulties now, or sources of pain, which can be tracked back to childhood experiences. We may have absorbed negative beliefs about o u r s e l v e s, which carry on into our adulthood. Through exploring & releasing our past we can acknowledge our strengths & limitations, defences & openness. By understanding the importance of the impact of our history, we can learn from our experiences and make new meanings, and create and live the l i f e of our own choice. Psychotherapy may therefore explore what it would be like to let go of old part of our l i f e behind and embarking upon a new phase.

Echoes Back In Time What's happening now in our l i f e may echo back from our history. Many of our issues, f e e l i n g s, beliefs & behaviours now, have origins in our previous experiences. These connections between current struggles and experiences from our past, can sometimes catch up with us, or trigger us, influencing how we live now. A trigger may be a distant memory, belief, family experience, a certain inference, look, smell, touch, sound, taste or experiences at meal times, a specific event in the past when you felt stuck, or a series of events or traumas. We may have forgotten or hidden to o u r s e l v e s & others experiences & f e e l i n g s from our past, yet their shadow can affect us now in subtle or direct ways (see Integrating What We Ignore).

How we learnt to deal with f e e l i n g s like anxiety & anger, with conflict, and how we were loved, praised & criticised, can affect us now. We may need to make links between what we learnt as a child & how we see o u r s e l v e s now, our present lifestyle, relationships, interactions & behaviour.

Our Childhood Environment & Conditioning Throughout our l i f e we subconsciously absorb our environment & experiences, both positive & negative, like blotting paper. We can continue to hold on to the blaming, shaming or humiliating messages we received back then. These messages can include family "secrets", the way our parents behaved, communicated (or didn't communicate) between themselves and with us - even with good intention (e.g. "Always... Never... Remember... Don't upset ... It is weak to... " - these messages don't even have to be spoken). We may have internalised certain messages from our upbringing, like "Who do you think you are?", "Pull yourself together", "You are not good enough", "Don't be a nuisance", "You'll never be satisfied" or "Just get on with it", that can affect how we live now. Mimicking, living up to or not exceeding our family expectations may inhibit our lifestyle or individuality. We take in more of our parents' programming than we are aware of. Our reaction can be to ensure we act in similar ways to them or, indeed, do the exact opposite. This may affect our sense of o u r s e l v e s, beliefs & relationships later on. Also, how our parents gave us, or didn't give us boundaries can influence our lives. The impact of these boundaries can be explored in counselling. (For details see Our Resilience, Hardiness & Protecting Our Personal Boundaries)

Perspectives From Our Past Clouding Our Vision Now As children we see the world only from our own, personal perspective - yet as an adult we realise that there are other perspectives. Sometimes when we grow up, we continue to believe that our way of seeing things is the only correct way. Our understanding of the world becomes inflexible & we encounter difficulties, because events no longer confirm our expectations (see also Our Thoughts & Beliefs). In order to live a meaningful l i f e now some of us may want to release o u r s e l v e s from any rigidity in our past. For example we may have felt fearful or lonely as a child, which may continue through our adulthood.

Releasing o u r s e l v e s Neuroscience shows us that our brain only provides us with some possible interpretations of the world based on our past experiences. The influence of our history is therefore deeply ingrained, where often the familiar chatter (or monologue) in our mind reflects influential messages from the past. Some of us may no longer want to hold on to any old pain, ready now work it through & let it go. The purpose of psychotherapy is not about analysing or "dwelling" on our past for its own sake, and is more about understanding the full impact of our history, releasing o u r s e l v e s from its binds, old patterns so we are freer to live our lives now.

Coming To Terms With Our Past Events themselves cannot be changed, yet how we interpret them is up to us. Although we can't ignore or escape our past, we can in many ways come to terms with it and understand how we have developed. For example, we may have chosen safety as a child, which may not be so necessary now. Our childhood hurts & wounds can be subtle or extreme. We may have been affected more than we had realised from past experiences, e.g. the effects of childhood bullying, an absent or intrusive parent, the impact of our parents' separation. Most of us have experienced cruelty, hurt or humiliation, because we were different in some way. Avoidance of intimacy now in our lives may carry origins of previous painful betrayals (see Relationship Counselling & Marriage Guidance). Making peace with our past, we are more able to live our lives in the present.

Liberation From Our Past Feelings We may have learned to keep some f e e l i n g s inside, which now no longer serve us. Many of our responses & entrenched patterns in the way we live now come from the experience of our childhood conditioning and expectations. We can loyally hold on to things for years, and some of these can eat away at us. We may have been holding on to a guilty secret. As adults we can sometimes f e e l like frightened children inside. We may have built a wall around us (see Our Resilience, Hardiness & Protecting Our Personal Boundaries). For example, if we f e e l ashamed & repress this, it doesn't go away and we tend to meet this again & again. We may have felt abandoned as a child & ways in which we continue to f e e l abandoned, or how we still abandon o u r s e l v e s, can be explored in the counselling & psychotherapy. We may no longer need to hold back or hide our thoughts, f e e l i n g s, and become open to the full range of our personality. Each time we have an opportunity to liberate o u r s e l v e s from what we've held on to - loosening its grip on us. Feelings belonging to the past have the potential to be released & accepted, healing l i f e's wounds (see also Releasing O u r s e l v e s & Letting Go).

Effects Of Early Decisions We may be tied rigidly to our old l i f e story and patterns. During the psychotherapy sessions we have the opportunity to recount this story so far, as we experienced it. We may see how some decisions we made in our early years (our oaths, promises, loyalties, even our "sacrosanct, sacred cows") followed a "l i f e script" (as if we were in a play, living on automatic). These decisions may have helped us when younger, yet now limit us, affecting our relationships, creativity or free will now. New dimensions may reveal themselves, as we take control of our own l i f e narrative. (See also Role Of The Unconscious)

Transforming Old Beliefs Feelings from our past may not disappear. However the therapy can offer the opportunity to experience them now, only this time from our adult perspective, so their impact is understood. Our beliefs can now be more accurate, up to date and helpful. We no longer allow the conclusions, we made when younger, to define who we are now. Acknowledging our strengths, limitations, defences and openness, we are more able to create and live our l i f e of our own choosing. (See also Releasing O u r s e l v e s & Letting Go)

Choosing Our Own L i f e Direction The therapy can help explore our already chosen pathways between our past & present. By making connections between childhood & adult experiences, psychotherapy can help us to disentangle o u r s e l v e s from the bonds of our past, our "emotional baggage", so we f e e l freer to choose our own l i f e's direction and are less governed by our history. (For details see Living To Our Full Potential)

Fresh Challenges We inevitably develop lifelong patterns of f e e l i n g, thinking and acting - at some level re-enacting aspects of our past, in the present. Many of us experience our habits as "who we are", and changing them, if that is our choice, presents fresh challenges.

Linking Our L i f e Now To Our Past Many difficulties are complex and have traces & trails linking them to our past, even though they may not seem obvious. In order to fully live our lives in the present, we may need to make these links to our history. For example, throughout our upbringing we received direct or subtle boundaries, which may have been healthy, loving, fair & firm or invasive, abandoning, controlling & chaotic, consistent or inconsistent, too tight or too loose or indeed non-existent. Back then we had little control over those boundaries, yet now as an adult we can choose our own healthy & appropriate boundaries. (For details see Our Resilience, Hardiness & Protecting Our Personal Boundaries)

Connecting To The Innocence Of Our Childhood Some may want to reconnect to the inner voice that may have guided them as a child, the innate sense of core s e l f that is not our history, the voice which is free of fears, negative thoughts & conditioning, often playful, spontaneous & innocent.

Living "In The Moment" For some it may be helpful to revisit underlying core issues, any defining incidents, wounds, unresolved conflicts and positive experiences & make links with our own values, dreams, hopes, aspirations and what really matters to us in our lives. Freeing o u r s e l v e s from our historical responses & reactions, and any "past baggage", we have the potential to live our lives now, in the present moment. When we cultivate our ability to live in the present, paying attention what's happening around us, we worry less about what happened in our past, and f e e l less anxious about planning our future. Experiencing what is happening in the moment, enables us to live our lives more freely.

Unmet Needs The way we get & don't get our needs met, varies in us all, and how we behave affects this. Our unmet needs from our past can present challenges for us in our current lives & relationships. We can deny or repress our needs, believing they can't be met. Our personal boundaries can support us in getting our needs met (see also Unmet Love Needs). We can be tempted to make others responsible for meeting our needs. These can be explored in counselling or psychotherapy. (See also Caretaking - Co-dependency)

Being o u r s e l v e s To get our needs met, we may have learnt to adapt o u r s e l v e s by denying or repressing certain f e e l i n g s, when we were younger, at a cost to our more authentic s e l f. The therapy can help us with this integration.

Our Weak Spots We all have weak spots - areas of vulnerability, originating from our early experiences. Some of us find it hard to acknowledge & accept these, or see them as intolerable (for details see Our Sensitivities - Pushing Each Other's Buttons). We may for example deny our vulnerability to o u r s e l v e s or others, pretending we are s e l f sufficient, yet inside f e e l vulnerable or anxious.

Our Own Interpretations Often when we were very young, we believed our family was the way the whole of the world was. Although we know that is no longer the case, we continue to see the world through our "filters". Sometimes we can get stuck in the perspective we hold. Realising that we have been seeing things our own way and not as they are & recognising how some of our own interpretations have restricted us, we are able to unhook o u r s e l v e s from them. We can then be freer to live our lives in our own chosen way.

Keeping Emotions Inside Expressing emotions can be a transformative process. It can take up more energy holding on to our emotions (old hurts, buried pain, etc.) than to release them. When stored, they build up inside, disproportionably affecting the intensity of our present emotions. We can choose to leave our hurtful path behind.

Not All Difficulties Are About Our Past Not all our distress is located in the past. Therefore alongside working through our past and the consequences of our history, some people may wonder what all this means, what is their own l i f e purpose and direction.

Our Future Footprints Having understood the impact of the footprints we've made in the world, we may be curious about our future imprints - the marks we want to make. Simply existing in the world, lack of direction, l i f e meaning or purpose may be a concern. Letting go of our past bonds can also lead to wondering about our future direction. We may seek a deeper connection to our own essence - the lifelong place inside which instinctively knows, our inner being. This can present further challenges as some may want to explore their future direction and path or connection to a l i f e larger than o u r s e l v e s.

Counselling London Psychotherapy Camden
Living To Our Full Potential

Transforming Our L i f e By clarifying more of who we are now and understanding the impact of our past, we may want to transform our lives with new direction & search for meaning (understanding). We may want to create a l i f e of our own choosing taking responsibility for our own future. Questioning our own fragile, earthly existence, we may also have a need to belong or connect to others, the wider society & a world which is more than our personal world.

L i f e Transition, Direction & Existential Concerns Fear of dying, and indeed fear of living can lead us to an existential search. Some of us may have a sense of alienation, loss, grief, pain or deep sorrow for o u r s e l v e s & the wider world - our existential angst. We may even experience disappointment, frustration or anger. Some people call this a midlife crisis, experienced like a lamenting, as if our soul is wailing. Often as we get older, these reflective concerns become more important as what really matters to us evolves. Some of us may want to explore important ways where we f e e l we belong (see Inner Loneliness). These less tangible transitional challenges may point us to seeking different personal values or meanings.

Longing & Yearning Feeling empty or lonely inside, as if something is missing, we may also f e e l confused or stuck without tangible causes. At any stage of our lives we may get a sense that "the old show is over", that we can't get it back - a letting go process, so discovering & creating a new way of living may be a desire for some. Through the ongong process of maturing or ageing, many of our problems may also be about our longing - yearning for a deeper connection with o u r s e l v e s, others, the world & the sublime. (See also Existential Concerns)

Self-Growth Like healthy plants we need the right nourishment to flourish & grow, so our emotional & physical needs are met or are in balance. Nourishment for us human beings, includes a need for meaning. Our need for survival, and to no longer just get by in the world, may also point to questioning l i f e's meaning.

Our Own Path We may realise that rich meaning cannot be gained from what others tell us or impose upon us, nor by simply entertaining o u r s e l v e s. We may have often followed a path which is not really our own - one that others have set for us, depriving us of our own meaning, true to us. Our own truth may become more important to us than how we appear to others. We may want to f e e l free to trust & responsibly live by our own, chosen ways rather than blindly follow others' rules.

Our Own Internal Resources We need a range of internal resources to make sense (meaning) of l i f e's encounters (for details see Life Re-Appraisal - Our Internal Resources).

Suffering & Love In nature there is much uncertainty & chaos, and we humans often try to avoid this natural process. For many of us, the awfulness & awe of the world can at times be overwhelming (see also Our Resilience, Hardiness & Protecting Our Personal Boundaries). Some of us may also want to avoid l i f e's inevitable sufferings, loneliness, or wait for love, as if it will come to us. Yet love is also a verb – the action of being loving to ourself & others. Through suffering & managing our frustration, we can sometimes be in a place where it is OK not to know all the world's mysteries. The space for our creativity emerges. Therefore, the psychotherapy may involve a frustrating yet creative process of guiding you through l i f e's suffering: confusions, chaos, darkness, uncertainty, limitations, apparent contradictions, paradoxes, the unknown and mystery. Through this "suffering of the soul" - our aloneness & connectedness, new values & meaning may emerge. We may want to re-think the values on which our l i f e is based. We may have a strong sense of inter-connectedness acknowledging the universality of suffering & love. We may want to address existential issues or have such questions as: "How do I survive suffering and l i f e's limitations?" or "How do I express love?" Some of us may want to use the therapy to explore, or be in touch with, the universality of Love & compassion beyond personal relationships.

One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious. Carl Jung

Living L i f e To Its Full Promise A challenge may be to live l i f e to its full promise & potential for love, expanding mind & imagination, creativity & spiritual growth, which means different things to different people. For some this may simply mean, letting go, taking responsibility for themselves, their values, and other people. Some may want to connect to a deep compassion for the world. For others spiritual search & growth may mean connection with energy larger than the personal, a spiritual connection with nature, the universe. What this energy means is for each individual to interpret. The NHS take into account the place of spirituality as an integral & important part of a person's health and the Mental Health Foundation have published a paper "Inspiring Hope: Recognising the importance of spirituality in a whole person approach to mental health"; many schools of psychotherapy also acknowledge the psychological relevance of spiritual experiences & religious events. (See also Living To Our Full Potential)

Being & Doing We can be so busy or successful, endlessly "doing" - we forget our own qualities of simply "being", neglecting our very existence, our real s e l f, and need to connect & belong. We can make space for our "being", taking o u r s e l v e s away from day to day anxiety & letting go of our "defences" by relaxing, immersing o u r s e l v e s in often simple, mundane, repetitious, pleasurable or nurturing tasks. We can f e e l connected & find o u r s e l v e s in activities such as washing dishes or the car, ironing, gardening, cleaning, DIY, knitting, cooking, sports, interests, art, literature, music, being out in nature, being with animals, socialising, playing, taking a holiday, walking, being on top of a mountain, by a pond, making love, meditation, praying, reflecting or simply stopping and doing nothing. Silence can for some be anxiety provoking, and for others a place they f e e l closest to themselves, the world & beyond. In many of these experiences we can have a sense (space) of timelessness. What worries or preoccupies us can be forgotten or seen with a different perspective.

Seeking Deeper Meaning Some may seek a deeper connection to themselves and the world. As we s e l f reflect, we may then see l i f e in a larger than material context, searching for deeper meaning in various ways. As our consciousness awakens & evolves, we may become aware of a collective consciousness, which is beyond the personal. We may have a sense of the universal consciousness, which may include a spiritual awakening (S e l f-Realisation), which may lead to a spiritual enquiry or deepening, for some, and not for others. Either way as we let go, free of identifications & attachments, and often in silence, we may want to explore that voice of S e l f, from our heart, which we may experience as small & awkward at first.

Connecting To Our Own Inner Direction When we are connected to our authentic sense of who we are and what we are doing - committed to something really worthwhile (our inner direction), our will (motivational forces) can be very powerful. When we act from our innermost s e l f, we have the potential to be more creative. Liberated from our past, free of our old defences and free from anxiety about the future, we are able to be present, living our lives "in the moment" (See also Releasing O u r s e l v e s & Letting Go). Windows of opportunity seem to occur more. Some people experience how providence, destiny, inspirational guidance & insight seem to play role in their lives, as if our l i f e is co-created. What all this might mean to us, exploring the depths of our own psyche, how we might live our l i f e's journey creatively & what we dedicate our lives to, may present new challenges. Not only our own destiny, but how to influence each other & humanity's destiny in small, simple or powerful ways, may also be a challenge for some.

Our Conscience Through questioning what really matters to us, what is our own truth, we may gain a stronger sense of our core s e l f - our deepest qualities, what we are born for & with, the heart & soul of who we are, an integrated harmonic sense of wholeness, greater than the sum of our parts. This sense of s e l f, with our insights, sense of worth & s e l f acceptance gives us greater freedom to create our own opportunities. Some may want to place trust into the essence of their own inner voice. Exercising our free will may be a desire for others. With our free will we can fully express o u r s e l v e s in our actions. Then, rather than imagine what others expect of us, or what we think we 'should' be doing, we may purposefully choose our own values, guided by our own conscience.

In Tune With o u r s e l v e s & The Wider World How we responsibly participate and live our vision in the world may be a challenge. Some may want to explore and live their own personal vision - in service of themselves (our personal will). However, we don't live in a vacuum and it can become clear (sometimes through being in touch with our shame) that our personal vision is not enough, as we consider morality & the effect on others. Our conscience, as our own moral compass, can support us when we act with our own moral authority, accountability and best intentions. A dilemma may be how to be in harmony with o u r s e l v e s, and also to live in the world beyond o u r s e l v e s, in service of community, living l i f e for the highest good - the calling (universal Will). Feeling disharmony in our lives, may point to a need to align o u r s e l v e s with the world (personal & universal will).

Self Chosen Values A task for some at this stage of therapy may be about moving away from goal orientated, "completed" values as if they are achievements, towards personally chosen values, which can transform our lives in meaningful ways. These values are unachievable, perpetually generated, evolving & active, lived moment by moment - reflecting what we really want. For some, a challenge may be to intentionally choose our own values with compassion for o u r s e l v e s and the world, so they can guide, clarify, dignify us, directing our l i f e's journey. These values can support & evoke Will, bringing about change & creating consciousness. Many of us experience that it is this consciousness, and not external forces, that points us towards our own l i f e purpose and it is our will (volition) that supports our commitment to this purpose.

Opening Our Heart To Our Own Ethics Further challenges may be how to fully express the Will in our actions with our heart open, develop our ethical stance in the world as we choose our direction in the world.

Feeling Spiritual, Choosing A Spiritual Path Some may not have any desire to pursue a spiritual path, "repress the sublime", f e e l shy about spirituality, others may choose to embrace this aspect of their l i f e. For some people, as they let go of they defences, or are in touch with their creativity, they may want to embark upon a spiritual search. Letting go may lead to being in touch with sense of a spiritual essence and the need to live in a more "soulful" way out in the world. With open hearted compassion, some people may want to undertake a sacred quest of becoming a moral human being, and experience a shift from their mind to their heart. The value of our dreams, imagination, metaphor through stories & poetry, music & dance can assist a journey towards spiritual awakening. Some people report how their perceptions get heightened, their experience of time & space alters, the quality of what they see, smell, touch, hear, taste & f e e l, alongside their dreams. Feeling more spiritually awake, you may want the therapy to include a deeper exploration and connection to your own spiritual path, innate capacities and ideals, living your l i f e to its full worth. How your spiritual journey manifests, its development & integrity, is your own responsibility, and belongs to you as your own individual exploration. I may assist you in gaining access to your deepest aspirations yet take a value-neutral stance, not directing you to any particular religious or spiritual belief. Pursuing spiritual enlightenment, with the ability to s e l f-reflect, maintain humility & transparency may be a challenge for some. Remaining grounded, involved in the fabric of everyday living, practical tasks & relating with others may be important for others.

Spiritual Principles Some people may be challenged by how they take personal responsibility for the way they live their spiritual l i f e, in how they can be flexible, cooperative, open hearted & not follow orders. Some may want to explore their own spiritual principles, which may, or may not be connected to their religion.

Summary I see the psychotherapy process as a success when not only what we are going through is resolved or accepted, but when we are able to shape our destiny and live to our full potential in relationship with others & the wider world.