London Counselling For Men
Therapy For Men's Issues - Male Behaviour Patterns, Men's Problems Blaming, polarising men, as if there is something wrong with us, is unhelpful. We may have certain struggles, challenges, and the counselling for men can explore these further:
- Despite our age, some may still feel like a boy inside
- Some men may turn to unhelpful habits or addictions, struggling to face what we need to face
- Some men let things get so bad, that they contemplate ending their life - approx 75% of suicides are male
- Some men struggle to reflect more before acting
- Many men find it hard to relate, communicate & engage with other men
- Some men struggle how to fully engage in the world as men, partners or fathers
- Some men struggle how to be naturally sexual & healthily aggressive, powerful, so we get things done, get what we want
- Some men only see intimacy, vulnerability or tenderness as an attempt to feminise them, weakness, yet rarely as strength
- Some men find it hard to be in touch with their needs or express them
- Missing an emotional connection with our partner
- Some men can have a passion for ideas & inanimate things, yet can struggle with opening up or being intimate with people
- Many men report a sort of "archetypal restlessness, grief, loneliness or anger" deep inside
The chief lesson I have learnt in a long life is that the only way to make a man trustworthy is to trust him;Henry L. Stimson
and the surest way to make him untrustworthy is to distrust him and show your distrust.
Therapy For Men's Issues, Men's Challenges We all need our sword and shield at times, alongside armour to protect us, to loosen it, lay it down at other times, yet at the same time be emotionally connected, emotionally intelligent (without having to necessarily emasculate ourselves) and the counselling can support us in this. We may have missed initiation into manhood, when it takes courage, effort, maybe travel, starting a business, being challenged out in nature, sport. We learn about masculinity and connect from the energy of other men, what other men do and how they are, individually & collectively. As the Ryder cup captain Jose Olazabal eloquently put it "All men die, but not all men live. And you have made me feel alive again..." Being a man presents its own challenges or conflicts:
- How to be robust, defend ourself without being defended, stand firm as a man, be centred, grounded, step up to the plate when we need to, be flexible, open, nurturing without being rigid
- Not being the man we want to be
- The notion of weakness & strength
- Being strong in our own authority as a man
- The different ways of being a man
- When to keep things inside or bury them, and when not to
- Compartmentalising things, putting things in boxes, all or nothing thinking
- What it means to be "man enough"
- How to be a strong, "present", positive man, yet nurturing, OK with being vulnerable at times, without feeling ashamed
- What it means to be a man & be with our grief, pain, anger, power, playfulness, light-heartedness, joy & love
- Being a breadwinner
- Balancing our logical side - being in our head without being distant, withdrawn, unreachable, desensitised, emotionally disengaged, detached & also being in touch with what we feel, our emotions, heart. Feeling robotic, emotionally controlled, yet anxious (see also Emotional Responsibility, Emotional Energy, Emotional Health, Emotional Wellbeing, Emotional Evaluation, Emotional Strength, Emotional Resilience, Emotional Intelligence, Emotional Growth, Emotional Maturity - Being Emotionally Connected)
- Being in touch with our needs, getting them met & how responsibility sits with us without burying our head in sand, numbing our feelings
- How to acknowledge, respect or express our emotions, without being ruled by them
- What to do with difficult feelings, or our "don't feel" rule
- What drives us, being in touch with our passion, having fire in our belly
- Balancing competitiveness & co-operation
- Unwanted habits & addictions
- Frustrations, worries, confusions (this may include being confused about what is masculinity, our inner masculinity, inner femininity
- Questioning love
- Deep sadness, depression
- Stuck in our regrets
- Lost or stuck
- Discontentment, aloneness, loneliness, alienation, feeling disconnected, like a lone wolf
- Existential grief
- Male midlife crisis & existential concerns
- Nostalgia about the past, maybe stirring deep love, regrets, memories - understanding it, making meaning of it
- Something missing, yet can't put our finger on it
- How to live a less binary, instrumental life & a more enriched, textured life
- Sense of meaninglessness, lack of fulfilment
- Taking the long road home, wanting to live our life to our full potential
- Other men's issues ...
Why am I soft in the middlePaul Simon
The rest of my life is so hard
Therapy For Men's Issues - Relating, Communicating, Interacting Some of us men don't find it easy to relate or communicate with other men or women (see also Relating, Connecting With Women). We may have internalised things, put up a barrier - necessary & important for protection at times (though not always helpful), yet at the same time hide behind things, e.g. technology, or always feel compelled to convey we are more confident, important than we are. For some the pressure to be perceived as always capable, trying to be the strong one, be a provider, protector, can be too much. Maybe overly focused on work, achieving, providing, protecting, we may have an unhealthy work-life balance. Other aspects of us may have been overlooked. We may have moods, yet not know why. We may become dissatisfied, miserable, irritable, grumpy, aggressive in ways we would rather not and despite our age, maturity, end up sulking. We may become emotionally avoidant, struggle with small talk, empathy, the nuances of communication, especially in our relationship, where our partner finds it difficult to reach us or we them, as if we just must "get on with it". We may struggle to let people in. We may find it difficult to relax, be playful, as we interact. Some of us may be stuck in our head - living in a binary world, cut things off, finding it hard to open up or be comfortable in our own skin or body, struggling to keep up or relate with our partner or others. We may have become reliant on our partner to "do the emotional stuff" relate with others. We may also want to be more comfortable with not only having our own space, but also being "present" with what we feel & how to express our feelings, open-hearted, emotional responsiveness, without withholding or attacking. It can be as if we need to give ourselves permission to do this. You may be seeking a male therapist to explore these mens issues.
As a man is, so he sees.William Blake
Carrying The World On Our Shoulders Sometimes the burden of what it means to be a man can feel lonely at times, too much, as if we are carrying the world on our shoulders and we always have to "get on with it", as if there is no alternative (maybe believing it's weak if we can't solve all our problems or talk about things). Soldiering on, martyr-like, in controlling-like ways, we may struggle to connect with other men, the world around us, our being as well as our doing (we may also struggle with the balance between not just talking about things and taking action). The counselling can explore the nature of any of our ingrained rigid, fixed beliefs, what burdens we carry, whether we are willing to lighten them (see also Openness To Our Light-Heartedness, Playfulness, Carefreeness, Laughter, Fun & Our Sense Of Humour), let them go.
It is difficulties that show what men are.Epictetus
Work, Achieving, Providing, Protecting Having target, setting goals, achieving things can be important for us. We may get a lot from the reward of our work, enjoying accomplishing things and being a good provider, protector, defender, also enjoying life's competitiveness, adventures, pleasures. Protecting ourself, our partner may also matter. Yet other aspects of us as a man may have got ignored. We may be very task-oriented, got to do this, got to do that, driving our mind to tasks - pushing ourselves, yet for some this may be at the cost of being in the moment, in touch with our own self trust & inner life - aspects of us which aren't achievements or work-related. (So work-driven we can overlook who is driving - our Self.) Our tasks as men may also include redefining our tasks - ones that aren't just about work-achievement, a provider role. We may be striving so hard, it can be as if we have to always prove things or gain wealth to provide, be respected. As a man it may be important for us to have a leadership role, be decisive, determined, go out and get what we want in the world, be successful and respected, take responsibility. Some of us may have a strong externally based sense of worth, at the cost of our own intrinsic sense of worth, or overworking to numb our emotions. We may struggle to pick up our spear and lay it down when we need to, relax, be at ease, open our heart, have empathy, explore satisfying, loving relationships, have some peace of mind, connect to our purpose, base our esteem on who we are (not so rigidly focused on what we do). (See also Navigating Between Being & Doing)
Oh, I was just a boyRoger Daltrey
Giving it all away...
Therapy For Men's Issues - Male Therapist, Male Counsellor We may be seeking a male psychotherapist, or specific relationship counselling or marriage counselling for men (e.g. stereotypes of certain commitment concerns, intimacy issues, struggling with empathy, not crying, which can render us lonely). We may be seeking different structures in our life - ones that work for us or have very specific men's problems or concerns:
- Consumed by something at the cost of other important areas of our life
- Competent in some areas, e.g. professional life, yet struggle in our personal life, e.g. relationships, emotions
- A need to belong, yet feel separate
- Closing off, shutting down, bottling things up, disengaging or becoming desensitised
- Esteem & pride, sense of worth
- Tough on the outside, yet not inside
- Putting on a front, our identity as a man, measures of success
- No longer always having to be strong, in control, self-reliant
- Fertility, infertility
- Stress, fear, anxiety
- Being "in the moment"
- Hurt or pain, guilt & shame, bullying
- Disappointment, dissatisfaction, irritation, prickliness
- Pornography problem
- Impact of our past
- Showing up as a man
- Taking the reins of our life
- Living to our full potential
Our Relationships As A Man We may experience certain challenges as a man in our relationship:
- The struggle of being autonomous, yet part of a couple
- Keeping people out - denying our needs or being so self-reliant, we can't let others in
- Losing our sense of power in relationships with women or other men
- Feeling like a man at work, yet not at home
- The differences & similarities between men & women
- Our highly sensitive nature
- Discomfort, ambivalence in the relationship or marriage
- Overwhelmed at times, without getting caught up with our partner's emotions
- Wanting to sense what our partner might be feeling
- Jumping into solving things, fixing things
- Emotional connection & Sexual expression
- Pregnancy termination or abortion counselling for men
- Fatherhood - being a father, dad. The impact of our relationship with our father.
I think I caught his spiritMike & The Mechanics - The Living Years
Later that same year
I'm sure I heard his echo
In my baby's new born tears.
The Eternally Youthful Man Some of us may be fun to be with yet struggle to grow up and living with no particular purpose or passion. If we feel like a boy-man, we may especially struggle to explore, discover our own depth, relate, connect with women, other men, be present.
If a man looks at the world when he is 50 the same way he looked at it when he was 20 and it hasn’t changed, then be has wasted 30 years of his life.Mohammed Ali
Relating, Connecting With Women Maybe more in our head, coming from a binary way of seeing things (see also Concrete Thinking, Rigid Thinking, Thinking In Absolutes & Over-Generalising - All Or Nothing Thinking, Either/Or Thinking, Duality), we may be more comfortable relating with men through our achievements, literal, logical, rational or intellectual side, easier than with women who may value us expressing our inner feelings, ability to decode the various illogical, baffling, contradictory signals we receive. Many women seek men who are not just practical but confident, tender, emotionally strong, respectful, loyal and courageous, are fulfilled in themselves who remain present and don't withdraw (even if things seem contradictory, illogical, baffling), remain engaged with our whole heart, mind, body and soul in all our experiences. Listening, empathising without fixing, needing approval, may be a challenge for some of us. Women may want us to have the capacity to receive as well as give love feel and respond to the many signals we receive without losing our sense of vulnerability, confidence, leadership, perseverance, power, light-heartedness, playfulness, carefreeness, laughter, fun and our sense of humour so we powerfully love, love powerfully, cherish our partner (see also Energy Of Love - Being In Touch With A Real Love), speak our truth, come from our safe space as a man.
Sexuality, Sexual Expression Some of us may fear trusting others, vulnerability, intimacy, touch and sex. We may lack confidence, have anxiety about our sexual performance, have a certain sex problem, seek a healthier sex life or have certain expectations, attitudes, beliefs & thoughts which get in the way. Rather than receiving, some of us may be overly focused on climax, orgasm, outcomes, goals, positions, performance, techniques, treat sex like a sport or be stuck in our head. There may be underlying considerations in our relationship. Wondering what it is to be a man in the bedroom, we may struggle to be fully engaged, close and intimate, emotionally connect (see also Relating, Connecting With Women), be present with what puts a glow, fire, into our belly, our masculine sexual energy. How to respond to our drives, urges, impulses, passion, desire, aspirations, fantasies & imagination may be challenging. Our level of pornography use may have become a problem. There may be psychological influences affecting us as a sexual man. (See Sexuality)
Therapy For Men's Issues - Men & Power Some of us may feel lost, stuck, drifting. We may have lost our focus. What being powerless, impotent, stoic, empowered, powerful & potent, being in our own authority, robust, taking a stand when we need to, assertive, healthily aggressive - getting out into the world, getting what we want means to us & what it means to be a complete man can be explored in the male counselling or therapy for men. Whether we use personal power to control others, to have power over them, how transactional and competitive we are, whether we want power at all costs, including loving relationships, any wounds we have from our own father, emotional responsiveness, opening our heart, can be explored in the therapy for men, alongside our relationship to our own potency, sexual potency. How to be powerful, loving and wise may be challenging for some, and the male therapy or counselling for men can be a space to look into this further.
Where love rules, there is no will to power, and where power predominates, love is lacking.Carl Jung
The one is the shadow of the other.
Therapy For Men's Issues - Male Menopause There is still much debate whether or not male menopause exists. Male menopause can be seen as a slowing down of men's functions, affecting male libido, mood swings, depression in men. Men's lifestyle factors also play a part. Male menopause has often been spoken about in terms of physical symptoms, yet male menopause may also be linked with existential despair, male midlife crisis or existential angst, struggling to respond with the depths of suffering & love, starting an affair.
Only a man who has felt ultimate despair is capable of feeling ultimate bliss.Alexandre Dumas
Therapy For Men's Issues - Becoming A Father Some of us may want to have children, be a father, parent, yet for others we may be very ambivalent about this. Some may have fertility, infertility, sexual concerns or have a partner, who has had a pregnancy termination, which affects us. Being a father, especially for the first time, can bring up a lot of powerful responses, feelings, thoughts we have, yet may find difficult to talk about. Not only can being a father be so rewarding, it can also be a lonely & confusing time. The birth of our child, and what this means, can bring strong reactions & emotions in some men. When we first hear the news of the pregnancy, we may feel proud, happy, burdened, overwhelmed, or experience contradictory emotions. Having a child can be a proud, joyful & fulfilling experience for some men, who never look back. Yet other men may struggle with fatherhood, be challenged with their new role & responsibility as a father, and what this means to them now as a man, partner, husband. And how to be a dad or a father may be a concern. Struggling to find our new place, role, we may feel marginalised. Fatherhood and how do we find the "father in us" may be a challenge. We may have always wanted to be a father, never wanted to be a father, or hold ambivalent feelings about being a father, towards our child or partner. Thoughts about lost freedom & how to embrace our new responsibility may swirl around. Male counselling or therapy for men can be a space where you can talk about fatherhood what it means to be a father.
When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child:C.S.Lewis in Shadowlands referring to the bible, 1 Corinthians 13:11
but when I became a man, I put away childish things.
Therapy For Men's Issues - Adjusting To Our Role As A Father The impact of not having the children can affect us and some men may mourn the loss of not being a dad, father, which we may need to talk about. Being a parent itself can bring its own challenges and we may question our role of being a father, dad and changing relationship with our partner. Our partner may have been used to carrying a baby for 9 months and may have already formed a bond or attachment, and it may take us a period of adjustment towards adapting to becoming a father, bonding with our child and this new arrangement. We may see the mother of our new child being intimate with them, having little time to be intimate with us. Despite our age or maturity some of us may feel on the side-lines and changing role to nurture the nurturer, struggling to cope and adjust with our new role as a father. Maintaining intimacy and being sexual again as a couple may have been put on the back burner. Our partner and our relationship may have changed and we may struggle to adapt & adjust to these new circumstances and our new role & responsibilities as a father (some instead of talking about this, immerse themselves more into work, or pornography). Fatherhood for us can have its own reactions. Some of us may focus on physical, provider role, maybe financial security, yet overlook our nurturing role. We may feel under pressure, very confused, alone or isolated. We may have powerful, complex, contradictory, unexpected feelings, thoughts & reactions as a man & father, and these can be aired in the therapy for men. The therapy can also be a space to talk about fatherhood, what it means to be a father, our relationship with our own father, if we wish (e.g. were we loved, respected as a man by our own father, our sensitivities valued). Some of us may grieve what was with our partner or life, is no longer. In this new phase of our relationship or marriage we may struggle to embrace and adapt to the changes in our relationship or marriage. Viewing & valuing our partner both as a sexual woman & as a mother (same sex couples may have similar concerns) and how we respond to a sex life, which may be different, may be a concern. We may want to see a male therapist, explore fatherhood, what this transition means for us in this new phase of life, relationship or marriage. Our relationship to our own father may come to the fore.
And, when we say that man is responsible for himself, we do not mean that he is responsible only for his own individuality,Jean-Paul Sartre
but that he is responsible for all men.
Psychotherapy Men I am an experienced male therapist, working with men & a range of mens issues you bring. The male therapy or counselling for men & men's therapy can offer an opportunity to ruminate over life in general, what concerns, challenges you.
A boy needs a father; in order to love himself as a man, he needs the love of a man.John Bradshaw
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