Counselling & Psychotherapy

Counselling London Psychotherapy – Central London Counselling Services - Counsellor London Camden Psychotherapist
Impact Of Our Past

Influences That Shape Our Life We are not the product of our past. Our childhood is not causal to who we truly are - our individual characteristics and our very being, our deepest sense of our core seIf. However, we are shaped by the impact of our past through significant turning points, crisis, early family interactions, dynamics, experiences, expectations, roles, interpretations and comments made about us. These aspects don't rule us exclusively, yet play an important part, some of them unconsciously.

Other interacting factors which shape our Iife include:

• Our biology & genes (DNA) - the things that are inherited
• Our personality & temperament (e.g. introvert or restrained, extrovert or bubbly)
• Our environmental & social structures, including, social "norms", the prevailing thinking at the time & our position with regard to authority & power
• Our educational, ethnic, cultural, sexual & religious background & heritage
• The impact of our experiences, "the water that has flowed, under the bridge"
• Fortune, "good or bad luck"

All these aspects, including our genetically-determined dispositions, don't exclusively determine our characteristics or our destiny. Our history therefore does not define us. (See also Our Free Will)

Exploring & Releasing Our Past The purpose of exploring & releasing our past is not to judge or blame us, our families or upbringing, but more to understand the impact of our history, our family dynamics & roots.

Understanding The Impact Of Our Past Some of us may want to fill in the gaps in our childhood, to make sense of them. Others may have difficulties now, which can be tracked back to childhood experiences. We may have absorbed negative beliefs about us, which carry on into our adulthood. Through exploring & releasing our past we can acknowledge our strengths & limitations, defences & openness. By understanding the importance of the impact of our history, we can learn from our experiences and make new meanings, and create and have the life of our own choice. Psychotherapy may therefore include what it would be like to let go of an old part of our Iife behind, so we are not so dominated by our past, and embarking upon a new phase.

Echoes Back In Time What's happening now may echo back from our history. Many of our issues, feelings, beliefs & behaviours now, have origins in our previous experiences. These connections between current struggles and experiences from our past, can sometimes catch up with us, or trigger us, influencing how we are now. A trigger may be a distant memory, belief, family experience, a certain inference, look, smell, touch, sound, taste or familiar experiences (e.g. at meal times), a specific event in the past when you felt stuck, or a series of events or traumas. We may have forgotten or hidden to us & others experiences from our past. Yet their shadow can affect us now in subtle or direct ways (see Integrating What We Ignore).

How we learnt to deal with feeIings like anxiety & anger, with conflict, and how we were loved, praised & criticised, can affect us now. Any sibling rivalry back then may continue now. We may need to make links between what we learnt as a child & how we see us now, our current lifestyle, relationships, interactions & behaviour.

Our Childhood Environment & Conditioning Growing up we all experience a range of positive & negative family dynamics. Lifelong we subconsciously absorb our environment & experiences, both positive & negative, like blotting paper. We can continue to hold on to the blaming, shaming or humiliating messages we received back then. These messages can include family "secrets", the way our parents behaved, communicated (or didn't communicate) between themselves and with us - even with good intention (e.g. "Always... Never... Remember... Don't upset ... It is weak to... " - these reminders don't even have to be spoken). We may have internalised certain messages from our upbringing, like "Who do you think you are?", "Pull yourself together", "You are not good enough", "Don't be a nuisance", "You'll never be satisfied" or "Just get on with it", that can affect how we are now. Mimicking, Iiving up to or not exceeding our family expectations may inhibit our lifestyle or individuality. We take in more of our parents' programming than we are aware of. Our reaction can be to ensure we act in similar ways to them or, indeed, do the exact opposite. We may have taken on roles back then, which may no longer help us now. Our childhood environment & conditioning may affect our sense of who we are, beliefs & relationships later on. Also, how our parents gave us, or didn't give us boundaries can influence us. The impact of these boundaries can be looked at in counselling. (For details see Our Resilience, Hardiness & Protecting Our Personal Boundaries)

Perspectives From Our Past Clouding Our Vision Now As children we see the world only from our own, personal perspective - yet as an adult we realise that there are other perspectives. Sometimes when we grow up, we continue to believe that our way of seeing things is the only correct way. Our understanding of the world becomes inflexible, because events no longer confirm our expectations. In order to be in a meaningful life now, some of us may want to be released from any rigidity in our past. For example we may have felt fearful or lonely as a child, which may continue through our adulthood.

Releasing Us From Our Past Neuroscience shows us that our brain only provides us with some possible interpretations of the world based on our past experiences. The influence of our history is therefore deeply ingrained, where often the familiar chatter (or monologue) in our mind reflects influential messages from the past. Some of us may no longer want to hold on to any old pain, ready now to find our way through this & let go. This may include separation from our unfulfilled childhood, so we are less tied to it. The purpose of psychotherapy is not about analysing or "dwelling" on our past for its own sake, and is more about understanding the full impact of our history, releasing us from its binds, old patterns so we are freer to Iive now.

Coming To Terms With Our Past Events themselves cannot be changed, yet how we interpret them is up to us. Although we can't ignore or escape our past, we can in many ways come to terms with it and understand how we have developed. For example, we may have chosen safety as a child, which may not be so necessary now. Our childhood hurts & wounds can be subtle or extreme. We may have been affected more than we had realised from past experiences, e.g. the effects of childhood bullying, an absent or intrusive parent, the impact of our parents' separation. We may have experienced neglect, abandonment, invasion, abuse. Most of us have experienced cruelty, hurt or humiliation, because we were different in some way. How we avoid intimacy now may carry origins of previous painful betrayals (see Relationship Counselling & Marriage Counselling). Making peace with our past, we are more able to be in the present, so we no longer forsake who we are.

Liberation From Our Past FeeIings We may have learnt to keep some feelings inside, which now no longer serve us. Many of our responses & entrenched patterns in how we are now come from the experience of our childhood conditioning & expectations (see also Unhealed Wounds). We can loyally hold on to things for years, and some of these can eat away at us. We may have been holding on to a guilty secret. As adults we can still sometimes be in touch with that frightened child inside. We may have built a wall around us (see Our Resilience, Hardiness & Protecting Our Personal Boundaries). For example, if we are ashamed & repress this, our shame doesn't go away and we tend to meet this again & again. We may have felt abandoned as a child & continue to feeI abandoned now. This can be explored in the counselling & psychotherapy. We may no longer need to hold back or hide our thoughts, feeIings, as we become open to the full range of our personality. Each time we have an opportunity to be liberated from what we've held on to - loosening its grip on us. Grieving over the loss of our past may be important for us. FeeIings belonging to the past have the potential to be released & accepted, which help to heal our wounds (see also Releasing Ourselves & Letting Go). As we let the past be the past, for both us & others, we don't need to repeat the past in our head, enabling us to be in the present.

Effects Of Early Decisions We may be tied rigidly to our old Iife story and patterns. During the psychotherapy sessions we have the opportunity to recount this story so far, as we experienced it. We may see how some decisions we made in our early years (our oaths, promises, loyalties, even our "sacrosanct, sacred cows") followed a "life script" (as if we were in a play, on automatic). These decisions may have helped us when younger, yet now limit us, affecting our relationships, creativity or free will now. New dimensions may reveal themselves, as we take control of our own narrative.

Transforming Old Beliefs Feelings from our past may not disappear. However the therapy can offer the opportunity to experience them now, only this time from our adult perspective, so their impact is understood. Our beliefs can now be more accurate, up to date and helpful. We no longer allow the conclusions, we made when younger, to define who we are now. Acknowledging our strengths, limitations, regrets, defences and openness, we are more able to create & Iive our Iife of our own choosing.

Choosing Our Own Life Direction The therapy can help piece together our already chosen pathways between our past & present. By making connections between childhood & adult experiences, psychotherapy can help us to disentangle us from the bonds of our past, our "emotional baggage", so we are freer to choose our own direction and are less governed by our history. (For details see Living To Our Full Potential)

Fresh Challenges We inevitably develop lifelong patterns of feeIing, thinking and acting - at some level re-enacting aspects of our past, in the present. Many of us experience our habits as "who we are", and changing them, if that is our choice, presents fresh challenges.

Linking Our Life Now To Our Past Many problems are complex and have traces & trails linking them to our past, even though they may not seem obvious. In order to fully be in the moment, we may need to make these links to our history. For example, throughout our upbringing we received direct or subtle boundaries, which may have been healthy, loving, fair & firm or invasive, abandoning, controlling & chaotic, consistent or inconsistent, too tight or too loose or indeed non-existent. Back then we had little control over those boundaries, yet now as an adult we can choose our own healthy & appropriate boundaries. (For details see Our Resilience, Hardiness & Protecting Our Personal Boundaries)

Connecting To The Innocence Of Our Childhood Some may want to reconnect to the inner voice that may have guided them as a child, the innate sense of core essence - what we are, that is not our history, the voice which is free of fears, negative thoughts & conditioning, often curious, playful, spontaneous & innocent.

Recognising & Valuing Our Past We have been shaped by the experiences we have had - not only our successes, strengths & talents, but also the insights we gained from past mistakes or failures. As we recognise & value our past, it can allow us to make more informed choices now.

Being "In The Moment" For some it may be helpful to revisit underlying core issues, any defining incidents, wounds, unresolved conflicts and positive experiences & make links with our own values, dreams, hopes, aspirations and what really matters to us. Free from our historical responses & reactions, and any "past baggage", we have the potential to be in the present moment. When we cultivate our ability to live in the moment, paying attention what's happening around us, we worry less about what happened in our past, and be less anxious about planning our future. Experiencing what is happening in the moment, frees us up.

Unmet Needs The way we get & don't get our needs met, varies in us all, and how we behave affects this. Our unmet needs from our past can be challenging for us now & in our relationships. We can deny or repress our needs, believing they can't be met. Our personal boundaries can support us in getting our needs met (see also Unmet Love Needs & Neediness). We can be tempted to make others responsible for meeting our needs. For example if we didn't get the approval we needed when growing up, we may still in some ways be searching for it now in our adulthood. These can be connected up in counselling or psychotherapy. (See also Caretaking – Codependency (Co-Dependency))

Being OurseIf To get our needs met, we may have learnt to adapt by denying or repressing certain feelings, when we were younger, at a cost to our more authentic seIf. The therapy can help us with this integration.

Our Weak Spots We all have weak spots - areas of vulnerability or anxiety, originating from our early experiences. Some of us find it hard to acknowledge & accept these, or see them as intolerable (for details see Our Sensitivities - Pushing Each Other's Buttons). We may for example deny our vulnerability to us or others, pretending we are totally selfsufficient.

Keeping Emotions Inside Expressing emotions can be a transformative process. It can take up more energy holding on to our emotions (old hurts, buried pain, etc.) than to release them. When stored, they build up inside, disproportionably affecting the intensity of our emotions now. We can choose to leave our hurtful path behind (see also Releasing Ourselves & Letting Go).

Our Own Interpretations Often when we were very young, we believed our family was the way the whole of the world was. Although we know that is no longer the case, we continue to see the world through our "filters". Sometimes we can get stuck in the perspective we hold. Realising that we have been seeing things our own way and not as they are & recognising how some of our own interpretations have restricted us, we are able to unhook from them. We can then be freer to Iive in our own chosen way. (See also Our Assumptions & Interpretations)

Not All Difficulties Are About Our Past Not all our distress is located in the past. Therefore alongside working through our past and the consequences of our history, some people may wonder what all this means, what is their own life purpose and direction.

Our Future Footprints Having understood the impact of the footprints we've made in the world, we may be curious about our future imprints - the marks we want to make. Simply existing in the world, lack of direction, meaning or purpose may be a concern. Letting go of our past bonds can also lead to wondering about our future direction. We may seek a deeper connection to our own essence - the lifelong experience of what we are inside, the place which instinctively knows, our inner being. Future direction and seeking a path or connection to a Iife larger than us can be a further challenge.