Counselling & Psychotherapy

Anger Management Counselling Central London Psychotherapy, Anger Management, Anger Problem, Counsellor London Psychotherapist
Anger Management Psychotherapy

Anger itself is not a problem – it is a normal human emotion, and can be channelled usefully into appropriate action. Anger is our instinct to keep us free, and for self-preservation. Not all anger is unhealthy – it helps us stand up, so we are not a pushover, stand our ground. yet getting angry often prevents problems being solved. Our anger can be our instinctive action for our freedom & preservation. Anger can be a last resort defence against allowing others to dominate or manipulate us, so we stand up for who we are. Repressed anger may also not be healthy. Anger can also motivate us to take action against injustice. How to express it in healthy ways may be a challenge for us. Some of us may struggle to express our anger without triggering our anxiety, and with our tension, we can become wound up like a spring, which needs a release. Controlling anger, keeping cool maybe a concern for us. Anger is a primary emotion, which prepares us for fight-or-flight – what all male & female animals do when they are in danger or in fear, as chemicals are released into the blood stream. Anger is an alarm system, extra adrenaline is produced, our heart beats faster & blood pressure rises. When angry, men & women see things one-dimensionally. The therapy addresses not only how you manage & contain the fire of your anger, but also how to express your anger in controlled & healthy ways, understand its purpose & acknowledge the positive & negative aspects. Struggling to pause or reflect, we may even catch ourself by surprise, e.g. our road rage. Some of us may fear our anger or have a quick temper, getting angry for no apparent reason. We may become confused, shocked, guilty or ashamed by our own anger.

Ways Of Being Angry When we are angry it can be as if our buttons are pressed and we often go on to automatic pilot. Some of us snap away at lightning speed as if we can't control it. We may have a short or long fuse – simmering or stewing away. Some of us can implode our anger or temper, taking it inside of us - keeping the lid on, almost bullying ourseIves (flight). We may try to let things go, yet they build up inside, and then we explode. Whereas others with a short temper hit out verbally straight away, explode with rage or aggression, sometimes bullying, bulldozing others (fight) – "flying off the handle". We may sulk at first as our rage & anger wells up inside us. People may walk on eggshells around us, and we may become prickly, easily irritated. Our rage may take off like a rocket. It can be as if we have a default position we find hard to break. Our anger may slowly drift in or arrive as a full blown storm - spilling out, as we struggle to withdraw from it. We may forget that our anger will pass. We may struggle with suppressing anger or letting it go – often getting angry & even "getting off" on it – it can give us a sense of power, sense of righteousness of being hard-done-by. This adrenaline rush can have a addictive quality to it and may also be used to keep our depression at bay. We may feel worse or lonely afterwards, following its destructive impact. Anger management counselling & psychotherapy looks at your anger style, and also considers what gets you angry in the first place – your stress triggers that invoke your anger, and ways you might want to diffuse your anger. We may also consider whether it is anger you are experiencing or frustration - how this may be connected with your unmet or unrealistic expectations, and what else you could do with your expectations. We may have feeIings milder than anger, like irritability, agitation or simply being upset, hurt, which escalate to anger problems. Some of us believe it is not safe to be vulnerable, fearful or terrified, so rather than show or express this, we are angry instead.

Internal Or Indirect Anger Problem Some of us may struggle to express our anger – bottling it up or holding it in, tight in their bodies, or indeed their heart. We may turn our anger inwards, onto ourself or become bitter.

Passive Aggression Some of us may be indirect with our anger - becoming passive aggressive, e.g. go silent, procrastinate (for procrastination & using silence in the relationship see also Procrastination In The Relationship Or Marriage). We may have taken on other elements of passive aggressive behaviour, which can be explored in the therapy.

Using Our Anger As A Tool We can utilise our anger to:

• Shield & protect us (e.g. against demands, criticisms, or anything we don't want to hear. Also to deal with threats or new ideas)
• Believe we are safe by maintaining our role of being the dominant person
• Attack others
• Dominate rather than be strong
• Give us a false sense of superiority
• Make people comply with our wishes
• Try to control or make others do what we want
• Give others what they deserve
• Be judgemental of others, when they don't agree or do what we say
• Force our sense of entitlement, that the other person owes us something
• Keep people at a distance
• Avoid expressing other emotions or our needs
• Blame other for not taking care of our needs, because we are unable to do so
• Avoid our experience of vulnerability, weakness or shame
• Avoid managing our frustration
• Model the aggressive or forceful behaviour of one of our parents

Responsibility For Our Anger Problem We can be stuck or identified with our anger, that this is largely what we feeI & who we are. We may struggle to keep a grip on our anger, especially fuelled by alcohol or drugs. We may be angry at ourself and stick it onto others. We may be angry about what has happened, which has nothing to do with a particular person. Taking responsibility for our anger & conflicts may be a challenge for some. We may at times struggle to recognise that there is an anger problem, be aware of our aroused state, accept we can't control things, relax or reassure ourself. We may regress to an almost child state, become wounded, or find it hard to cope with underlying unwanted feeIings (e.g. fear). We may also struggle to contain our own anger, when other people are angry. Some of us may burn bridges at cost to us & others. We may become angry or upset, wanting to blame others, yet it is our own anger, and we can choose to keep it going or calm down. The anger counselling also investigates how you might responsibly take care of all your own feelings. The anger management counselling & Psychotherapy can help us learn to respond differently to our anger, so our anger no longer defines how we are. (See also )

Anger Management Counselling & Psychotherapy can provide a container for anger, fears, pain & hurt to be expressed. We will also look at ways to become more aware of our anger, how to de-escalate our anger, so we are no longer at the mercy of our anger or frustration. We will look at how to put the handbrakes on, ways to go off on our own & take care of our own reactions, rather than dump our anger onto others and calming strategies, so we can be with our anger. We may need to learn how to express difficult feelings sensitively in conflict situations, so we don't bottle things up or explode. The therapy may also look at how free is our choice to get into a battle, and can help clarify what precisely it is we are battling over. We can initially be certain that our anger is about something someone has said or done, yet on reflection it may point to wounds that have gone right to our core – our own pain. Anger management psychotherapy has parallels to anger management courses. We will also go into sources of your anger – what's underneath it, what it means & ways to look at the bigger picture. For example, beneath our anger or rage we may be scared or hurt. We will unpack your emotional response to your anger triggers – your significant beliefs & interpretations about these triggers, and other possible rationales, like a need for perfection. We will also look at the cost of your anger, reviewing alternative ways of expressing your needs, without overspilling. The effect of stress, tiredness, poor eating patterns, excessive alcohol, drugs or other unwanted habits or addictions may also be addressed. Anger counselling & psychotherapy will also examine other possible responses to our anger, including the filters we use and how we can be assertive without being angry.

Anger In Relationships The anger counselling may consider how you communicate in your relationship. Sometimes we can frighten ourself by what we say, do or could do. Some of us may want to find a better way of dealing with anger in relationships, and the therapy can support you in this, so you can take yourself off, take care of your own feeIings and not put them onto someone else. We may treat others badly, saying things we would like to take back. We may feel remorse, guilt or shame. Sometimes it can be as if we are watching ourself doing it - being angry, and hold onto the belief that we can't stop, as if we have no choice. (See also Undermining, Possessiveness, Overdemanding, Emotional Abuse & Conflict In The Relationship Or Marriage)

Rescuing, Attacking, Blaming It can be as if we switch roles between attacking, being sorry for us or others (deflation), or rescuing situations. We may end up attacking, because our role of trying to fix things or please others hasn't worked. We may not want to feel like a victim (see Drama Triangle of Victim, Rescuer, Persecutor). Some of us may find it hard to forgive, so we get angry.

Fear Of Anger In Other People When faced with someone else's anger our fight-flight-freeze response gets activated. We may become afraid of anger in others. Some of our responses may date back to earlier experiences in childhood. Being on the receiving end of anger is something we can work with in the therapy.

Childhood Experiences How anger was expressed, or not expressed, in our family of origin can shape how we express our anger as adults. We may for example have learnt to "hold our tongue", struggling with ways of expressing our anger healthily. How we express our anger now, may be influenced by uncomfortable experiences when we were younger, e.g. pain of rejection, our envy & jealousy or a sense of entitlement from a parent who spoilt us. Counselling & psychotherapy can help uncover these links.

Why We Get Angry We get angry because we choose to get angry, even though we believe we have no choice. We can blame our anger on many other reasons. We can feel:

• Unheard
• Hurt in our relationship
• Controlled, blamed, criticised
• Envious or jealous
• Rejected or abandoned
• Alone or lonely
• Disappointed
• Frustrated

What We Do With Our Frustrations Frustration & ambivalence is a "given" in life. We all struggle with certain frustrations. How we respond to our frustrations, tensions, apparent opposites & ambivalence is up to us. We can respond in destructive or creative ways.

Existential Frustrations Our anger may also be of an existential nature – simply being angry at life's limitations & questions.

Counselling & psychotherapy can support you in overcoming your anger problems, see how you might choose a different response or feeling, so you are less caught or attached to your anger, in control of your anger rather than it controlling you. This could be supported by being in touch with & expressing other feelings, learning to contain certain emotions & thoughts, including unfulfilled expectations and express them in healthy ways.