Relationship Counselling
Central London, Camden, Kings Cross, London NW1
Glen Gibson - Dip. Counselling, MA Psychotherapy, Dip. Psychotherapy
UKCP & mBACP Accredited Relationship Counsellor & Marriage Counsellor

Envy & Jealousy Counselling London

Overcoming Jealousy, Envy & FOMO Counselling

Envy - Fear Of Missing Out (FOMO Counselling), Fear Of Switching Off (FOSO Counselling) Some of us may experience a fear of missing out on things, switching off from things (see also Fear Of Not Knowing (FONK Counselling) Tolerating Not Knowing - Our Need To Be In Control, Agnosiophobia Counselling). Fuelled by social media, internet, mobile usage, rampant consumerism, FOMO counselling can explore this phenomenon of getting overly anxious that an event or something interesting or exciting is happening elsewhere, that there is someone doing things better or more exciting than us. It can be as if we can't bear uncertainty, and some of us may overshare our feelings, thoughts. Our FOMO can be compounded if we unhealthily compare ourself with others. We may struggle with acceptance of what is, being present in the moment to realise that we will always miss out on things can't be everywhere, do everything, that we can plan to do things that interest, excite us, be in touch with joy wherever we are. (See also Unhealthily Looking For Social Approval, To Be Liked, Noticed, For External Validation, Encouragement, Approval, Affirmation, Reassurance, Confirmation, Permission, Recognition, To Be Valued, Appreciation, Praise, Attention, Adoration, Admiration, Adulation, Acceptance, Trust)

Jealousy Baiting Angry inside, we may complain our partner doesn't give us enough attention and want to destroy what's precious to them, whatever, whoever that is. In so doing we may flirt with others in front of them to make them jealous (see also Baiting Others) or compare our partner to past partners or strangers.

Effects Of Previous & Future Relationships

Our Own Past Relationships We may want to be more open in our current relationship, yet our past gets in the way. The effects of our previous relationships, our regrets, any grief, heartbreak may also affect us. We may have not recovered from our heart being previously broken. "Never again" might be our mantra. Continuously comparing our partner (maybe unfavourably) with a previous partner, we may hanker for past lovers. We can project feelings from previous relationships onto our current partner. Unsatisfied, we may continuously search for new partners, believing that there is always someone better around the corner - "the grass is always greener on the other side", so as never to fully commit to our current relationship. (The impact of one of our parents seeing someone else, having an affair or our parents separating, may also impact on us now and can also be explored in the relationship counselling), as can the influence of our past, early bonding patterns, future hopes and desires.

Our Partner's Recent Ex Our partner may be tied to their ex, through children and financial arrangements together, which can affect us, or we may question if they have entirely "let go" of their ex. And we may want to talk about this in jealousy counselling, which can explore what this means for us and how to respond.

How We Let Our Partner's Past Relationships, Sexual Past Affect Us We may also struggle to accept our partner having a sexual life before us, including all that this brings up for us, our fantasies (see also Continuously bringing up the past). Becoming jealous, or even angry, we may be curious, wanting to know every detail in a self-harming, almost masochistic or sadistic way (which can fuel paranoiac thoughts/beliefs), yet also not want to know. Hand on heart many of us may have had sexual experiences we haven't always been proud of and may not feel like disclosing everything. Yet some of us may feel excluded if our own partner has had a life with someone else before us. It is our partner's right to choose whether or not to share experiences - not our right. Insecure inside (often about our own sexual experiences), we may be jealous, envious of our partner's previous relationships, sexual history as if we have somehow been betrayed (that we somehow wanted to be the first), wanting to feel we are the "only" "best" or "special one". And despite our irrationality, we may unhelpfully compare ourselves. Holding expectations about our partner's sexual fidelity, we may on the surface, be casually curious about their past sex life, hanging on to our partner's every word, painfully wanting to know more, yet secretly inside become scared, anguished (often affecting our appetite - being eaten up by jealousy, affecting our sleep, solar plexus or experience other physical symptoms). This can be fuelled by a social network obsession. Preoccupied, we may subtly or intrusively interrogate our partner further trying to get them to disclose the details of their sexual past. Obsessed, we may try to find out the numbers, even sexual experiences, "positions" (see also Compartmentalising Sex, Cycle Of Sexual Dissatisfaction - Staying In Our Head Or Overly Focused On Sex, Lust, Climax, Orgasm, Speed, Outcomes, Performance, Techniques, Goals, Positions, Genitals, Stuck In Over-Familiar Roles). We may feel panicked (as thoughts, fantasies - often negative ones, circulate in our head), judgemental, angry or rageful (even hating them at times, as if they are the one who has caused our bad feelings). Consumed by jealousy, we may store up what they tell us for future ammunition in arguments. In their past (or even their future) we may also imagine them with someone else - visualising this, unhelpfully comparing ourselves as our esteem erodes, maybe imagining how we'd feel if we bumped into their ex-partner. Sometimes the root of our jealousy can go way back into childhood, especially if we had difficult attachment with our parents, or there was a preferred, favourite sibling, and therefore we can find attachment overwhelming now, especially when being close to someone in childhood resulted in pain, trauma.

Our Partner's Past Relationships, Sexual Past, Envy & Jealousy In the relationship counselling we may want to explore why we bring up past relationships. Our feelings can become out of control. We may have a compelling need to know everything, push and pull on our partner to the extreme, digging and digging for further information, yet may end up digging ourself into a very dark hole, and this can be worked through in the jealousy therapy. Breaking the cycle of starting discussions which bring no relief can be important, so both of us in the couple don't feel so drained. We may not realise that there are questions that strengthen the relationship and questions that aren't going to help it. Our own anxieties about not knowing may be in play. No answer from our partner will never reassure us enough unless we come to term with their sexual history, which can be explored in the jealousy counselling. We may become possessive, controlling as if our partner belongs to us - they have to be ours, that no one else should share them - even from their past (they themselves may have trouble getting over their ex, which may compound our jealousy). We may be caught in a grip of jealousy, and this can seem like a curse, as if there is no way out. And when we feel afraid or threatened, we stop thinking rationally. Calming ourself, taking a reality check, can support us, so we don't get carried away with what can go wrong. Scared inside, we may have an unbearable fear of destroying what we have, as if we are self-sabotaging things, imagining and replaying old things over, even possible future scenarios, believing we have to end this relationship as the only means of escaping from our torment or even as a way of punishing them. Yet because we are committed to our partner and future with the sexual focus on each other now and acknowledging our current partner's decision to choose us doesn't mean we are entitled to access to their full sexual history as if they must share all their previous sexual encounters (see also Impact Of What We Say, The Words We Use). Rather than obsessing about the details of our partner's relationships, sexual past we may want to soothe ourself, anchor ourself, pay attention to prioritising in our relationship what matters, improving what we have now, to be explored, cherished, that our partner has chosen us now and get to know them better, focused on the present and move forward together, plan our future (see also Talking About, Sharing Our Sexual Feelings, Needs, Desires, Our Uncomfortable Areas With Our Partner).

Envy & Jealousy In The Relationship Or Marriage

Sometimes jealousy may be justified if our partner is over-flirtatious, is not monogamous if we are and this for some may be a good reason to leave and seek someone more compatible with our own needs.

Envy & jealousy are not a problem in themselves, in fact they can also have benefits. When aware of our envy, jealousy, giving it its rightful, proportionate place, we can take charge and respond to things with positive attitude, remain empowered, motivated. What we do with our envy and jealousy may be a problem, and the relationship counselling and marriage therapy can be a space to help look at the corrosive effects of what we do with our envy, jealousy and investigate alternative ways of responding. It can be as if there are two sides of us - a rational and free-spirited side, and another, who can feel crushed. From this jealous place our mind can take over and we can develop all or nothing thinking, as our anxiety needs a hook, and that hook is jealousy, envy. Our untamed envy or jealousy can be destructive of our partner, our rival and us - going to such lengths to diminish the other or us, where our relationship may be based on suspicion - checking up on our partner, trying to obsessively control them. By now we may be seeking jealousy help, envy treatment. Our envy and jealousy can devastate intimacy, push the very people we care about away. Questioning why our partner would choose us (maybe overusing social media), we compare us to others (real or imagined) ensuring we come off second-best, because our rival has more to offer, is more significant - has a better body, are more attractive, sexier, more powerful, understanding, less tired, etc. Some of us attempt doing the exact opposite - trying to assure ourselves we are better than them. Our preoccupied state of irrational mind can become fixated and we can become in torment, or imprisoned. Justifying our actions we may experience love one minute (admiration), and hate the next (the need to attack or destroy). How to deal with jealousy can really test us. We may feel doomed, helpless, impotent, inferior, inadequate, disadvantaged, worthless and confused. Physically we may feel burdened by it all or nauseous, as it catches us by the throat. Our envy and jealousy can be corrosive on us or others. Jealousy counselling can explore your jealousy issues, what may lay behind them, how lack of confidence or esteem, insecurity and fear gets played out in our relationship, and support you in overcoming jealousy. Struggling to take responsibility for our own feelings, we may be creating a high maintenance relationship, be consumed by a whole range of primal emotions, moods, many of which we "project" onto our partner:

• Self-pity, persecution
• Insecurity
• Anxiety
• Frustration, anger, jealous rage (about the position we are in, our own mistrust & perceived loss of power)
• Hatred (towards people who are causing us envy or jealousy)
• Resentment, bitterness, grievances, grudges
• Emptiness, loneliness
• Isolation
• Lost or stuck
• Sadness or depression
• Shame (of our anger, becoming dependent on our partner or "inferior" to our rival, that they or others will find out about our loss of esteem)
• Guilt (because we are not supposed to experience envy or jealousy)
• Betrayal

Jealousy Jealousy is not a sign of love but more a sign of our insecurities and it doesn't feel good and may creep in our relationship and be the basis of frequent arguments. How to stop being jealous may not come easy to us and the jealousy counselling can help unpick this. We may believe that jealousy is part of love yet if we love someone we want them to be happy even if this means with another. We may feel anxious, mistrusting or a yearning inside. We may feel irrationally insecure that our partner is flirting, cheating on us. Our jealousy entails a triangular relationship including a real or imagined rivalrous third person. When someone else crosses or comes into our partner's life in whatever form, we may fear that they want to possess our partner, often believing our partner will leave us for them. (Previous partners in our partner's life can muddy the waters. We can replay past events, which re-wound us.) Jealousy can be unbearable and debilitating - eating away at us. Moments of jealousy can take us over physically, typically in the pit of our stomach. Picking up a thread, our jealous thoughts can tumble, as we anchor them in our head, ruminate, over-react, misinterpret, assume things. We can imagine future scenarios with numerous scripts. Some of us may seek a symbiotic or codependent relationship with our partner and can start worrying as soon as our partner is away from us. Obsessiveness, preoccupation, constant and frequent (often secret) checking up on our partner may result or turn to emotional abuse. Suspicious, we can't bear not knowing everything about them - all their movements and actions, even what they are thinking. Insecure, maybe doubting we are good enough, loveable, untrusting and feeling unsafe we can become depressed at times as our life force and power erodes. We can forget what else is important for us. We may withdraw or become rageful towards our partner. How to stop jealousy may now be our priority and this may entail exploring, addressing our personal jealousy triggers:

• Believing others make us feel the way we do
• How we give others power over us
• Insecurity, low esteem, affecting our imagination, fears
• Response to worry, stress, fear, anxiety, distress, work stress
• Mood swings
• Empty inside, insatiable hunger or longing for something. Aloneness, loneliness, sense of alienation.
• Needy or hungry for love
• Experiencing a "hole in our soul"
• Our own pain, hurt
• What it means for us if our partner is being loving to someone else
• Early attachment issues
• Past or current deprivation, impact of our past
• An unacknowledged, wounded part of us, old traumas
• Triggered memories in our earlier life related to our addiction now
• Impact of previous abuse
• Guilt, shame & loathing, self-hatred, remorse
• Lost or stuck
• Lost sense of self

Our Jealousy, Envy & Internal World Our jealousy, envy can be seen as about us and not them (and ironically we may be pushing our partner further and further away). Our love (or love addiction) may cease to be healthy when the heat of our jealousy takes over (especially if we are in a relationship where the love is unrequited). One double-bind may be that the greater we love someone, the greater our jealousy. We may have a further double-bind that if we expose our envy or jealousy, we will be humiliated, yet if we conceal them, we are secretive and sneaky. Sensitive inside our buttons can get easily pressed. We may fear losing someone, loss, rejection, abandonment or that our partner may leave and we may be reminded of past separations, betrayal or hurt. This hurt comes from our ego wounded self - the aspect of ourself we develop when growing up in order to have control over avoiding pain and getting love (see also Our Sensitivities - Pushing Each Other's Buttons, Counselling London). We may have bouts of uncontrollable envy, jealousy - feeling our anxiety in the pit of our stomach, which can be debilitating. Our perceptions become distorted, they can become fantasies and our options seem negative affecting our self-esteem, compounded by continuously comparing ourself with others, as if we are not good enough, not enough, defective in some way. As if only our partner makes our life worth living, our sense of worth, interests, sex life may diminish, as may our sense of self - our separateness, centredness and groundedness and we may struggle with a me, you and us. As if in a trance or in some sort of repetition compulsion, without always knowing it is our own envy and jealousy, our behaviour can become irrational, as we get angry into jealous rages, frustrated or uncomfortable with our partner. Humiliated inside, we turn criticism, hatred towards ourselves, experiencing loss of confidence and esteem. What may lay underneath our envy and jealousy may also need to be explored in the relationship counselling and marriage therapy. The counselling for jealousy and envy can also be a space to consider:

• Our relationship to greed
• Our obsessive, intrusive thoughts
• Wanting our partner to give us all their love, attention, which we would have liked to have from our parents
• Whether we want an enmeshed relationship
• The role of free will, so we & our partner are free, including free to be in a company or friendship of anyone we choose, without either of us being threatened
• Whether the love we have for our partner has become obsessive
• What we are struggling to accept
• Whether we have become jealous to punish ourselves, as if a form of self-sabotage
• Our own painbody
• Confusing longing with loving
• Seeking a perfect, idealised love
• No longer allowing jealousy, envy, to suck our emotional energy
• What might we need to let go of
• The roles we take on, e.g. of victim, rescuer, persecutor
• The characteristics in our partner, that we desire or don't like
• What is happening in terms of our own emptiness, loneliness, confidence, esteem
• Lacking meaning, purpose in our life - making our partner responsible for this

Jealousy, and especially envy, are often seen as socially unacceptable, a taboo. We have all felt inferior, inadequate, envious, or jealous at times. and if we allow them to take us over, our behaviour can be affected, and we can become infantile. We may stifle our needs and expression of love, and intensify our hatred, because it may be less painful to bear than our ambivalent feelings of envy, jealousy and love. We may even try to act superior, omnipotent, or better than others and go to great lengths trying to stir up others to be envious or jealous of us. We may devalue ourself (or the other person), so we don't have to experience our envy, or deny our need for other people. Some of us may try to demonise another, so we don't have to be envious. Conversely, we may idealise someone, yet feel envious and jealous inside. Other ways of responding to jealousy, envy can be discussed in the relationship therapy and marriage counselling.

Our envy (often fuelled by our own narcissism) is between us and someone else - what they have, their qualities or possessions, which we lack. (Our social media obsession can feed our envy.) When envious, we may desire these qualities in others - who they are or what they have, as if they have worth and we don't, yet believe or fear we can't or don't have these qualities. Our envy can get in the way of fostering friendships. Feeling competitive (or not good enough), we may be seeking ways to deal with envy. The counselling for envy may also help uncover what else may be going on inside, how we value our own self-worth and essence. No longer unhelpfully comparing our journey to others, skilfully harnessing, transforming any malicious, toxic or corrosive envy (especially if what others do, achieve, is simply not attainable by us) into imitative envy may support us if we identify how they got there, what sets them apart and accept where others are in their lives, be genuinely happy for them - turn our envy into appreciation for their strengths and skills, achievements, respect or admire them yet acknowledge our own desires, longing. This can point us towards taking inspiration from others, to be our best and shine from where we are, in touch with what motivates, inspires us, our own values, goals, focusing our attention on what is personally attainable for us

On The Receiving End Of Envy & Jealousy Jealousy doesn't make someone a bad person and for some responding to their insecurity or negativity by simply ignoring our partner, distancing ourself from them or kindly challenging them can be options. The effects of being on the receiving end of jealousy and envy can for others be confusing, leave us with many uncomfortable feelings, which can be aired in the relationship counselling and marriage counselling for jealousy. We may take others' behaviour personally, as if it is about us. We may blame ourselves or hold on to false beliefs, as if there is something wrong or bad about us. Coping with jealousy may now be important for us. The relationship may have become toxic. We may feel controlled, invaded, mistrusted and claustrophobic, almost as if imprisoned at times, angry and exasperated. It can be as if we can't be who we are, have fun or be spontaneous, affecting our emotional, romantic, sexual life with our jealous partner. We may become vulnerable, helpless, sad, unseen, controlled (see Our Sensitivities - Pushing Each Other's Buttons, Counselling London) and struggle to shine or be proud of who we are or our accomplishments. We may feel heartbroken when we are being treated badly, and feel helpless over their feelings, behaviour. Taking responsibility for our helplessness, loneliness and other feelings, may support us and the counselling for jealousy can also offer support in these.

The counselling for jealousy and jealousy therapy may explore our own emotional dependency needs, fears of loss. Worrying about what might go wrong, it can be as if any answer from our partner will never reassure us enough unless we come to terms with our own jealousy issues, which can be explored in the jealousy counselling, so we are no longer in the grip of jealousy, envy. The therapy may also consider how control or possessiveness plays out in our life (maybe reminding us that our partner does not "belong" to us and that they have their own individuality, power, choices). Our positive and negative projections (e.g. expecting our partner to make up for our past feelings of deprivation) can also be explored. Gaining insight from our feelings of jealousy, maybe our feelings of emptiness, loss and own inner abandonment, making others responsible for our self-worth, releasing ourselves and letting go and issues of trust in ourself and trusting others may also be an important part of the therapy, as may having ways of reducing jealousy by being curious of what else it may mean for us - bring up for us. Jealousy counselling and psychotherapy may start off listening to what's happening for us in our behaviours, feelings (including rage, self-hatred, humiliation, shame, fear of loss, loss of power), our needs, thoughts, beliefs (maybe not feeling good enough (which can bring out all our insecurities), unfavourably comparing ourself with others (and consequently getting angry with our partner for putting us in this position). We may need to talk about any fears our partner will leave us, won't love us enough), exploring our relationship style (often anxious) and what supports us in building our own confidence, esteem. The jealousy therapy may also explore the origins of any love addiction - what may be happening inside, possible indicators of being emotionally needy, our triggers for any intrusive thoughts. We may also look at how we may have overlooked that our primary relationship is actually with our self and how we need to not only nurture our relationship but also our supportive friendships and having healthy distractions. And when we have pangs of jealousy, we may want to take a reality check "what's the evidence?", be curious about what we're really feeling, needing, so we no longer abandon ourself, learning to validate, love ourselves. We may also want to explore what makes us feel safe and secure in our body and how we can build upon the foundation of our relationship, nourish it. Honestly talking with our partner, valuing and desiring them, creating mutual understanding, trust, respect and reassurance between each other can help healing so we feel empowered and compassionate with ourself and our partner, practising gratitude and a non-dependent love for them. This may include exploring ways we can take responsibility, calmly express our feelings without the hostile charge of anger, accusations, so solutions can be found, with our own sense of Self and separateness, rediscovering our light-heartedness, playfulness, carefreeness, laughter, fun and our sense of humour again. The counselling for jealousy may explore these alongside how we can no longer come from our wounded self, develop a loving, trusting relationship with our partner and most importantly with ourself and trusting, cherishing our own essence, so we can be fully who we are.

Questions about envy and jealousy in our relationship or marriage We may have questions about overcoming jealousy, overcoming envy:

• How do I overcome jealousy?
• How to overcome relationship problems jealousy?
• Dealing with jealousy - how to deal with jealousy relationship problems?
• Why do I have jealousy problems in relationships?
• Why do I have jealousy and insecurity in a relationship
• Can counselling help coping with coping with jealousy in relationships?
• Can psychotherapy help coping with jealousy in a marriage?
• How to cope with jealousy in a relationship?
• How to stop being jealous in a relationship?
• How to get over jealousy in a relationship?
• How to cure jealousy in a relationship?
• Can counselling help with feelings of jealousy in relationships?
• Jealousy vs envy - what is the difference between jealousy and envy?
• How do I overcome envy?
• I get jealous easily - why am I jealous? Why are people jealous?
• Can a jealous person change?
• Why jealous people have jealous thoughts?

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