Relationship Counselling
Central London, Camden, Kings Cross, London NW1
Glen Gibson - Dip. Counselling, MA Psychotherapy, Dip. Psychotherapy
UKCP & mBACP Accredited Relationship Counsellor & Marriage Counsellor

Crisis, Challenges, Changes & Transformations In The Relationship

Relationship Phases

Negotiating Through Relationship Challenges, Phases Physical attraction, sexual desire, excitement, passion and early compatibility may have been important at the beginning of the relationship and for some too intense, yet this alone doesn't sustain the relationship, if we only stay romantically infatuated. We may struggle to get past the honeymoon period in relationships. We may have bypassed an important early phase of the relationship (see also Getting Over Honeymoon Period), like cultivating companionship, trust and understanding. For example some periods are just better than others and they can be worked through. Things can be going well at times, and other times - awful. We may have a relationship problem or troubled marriage for many reasons: taking on extra responsibilities, a changed relationship with our partner or finding it hard to navigate through a particular stage or phase of the relationship or marriage. (For example: once we move beyond the casual relationship and feel more connected with each other, there can be a sense of having more to lose, when fears of rejection/abandonment, engulfment often emerge. It is then when conflicts occur and how there are responded to can affect the future of the relationship.) We may have initially got together through fear, wanting to rescue or protect each other, and now need love (many forms of love, self-love) and resilience to be the glue that holds our relationship together. Developing a healthy realistic, sustainable, romantic relationship, with good interactions, so it can withstand all sorts of challenges and compromises, which test our commitment, may be important so we grow together and deepen feelings of union, sexual union. The marriage counselling and relationship therapy can explore these phases with you and what happens when any of our hooks, triggers, become activated. Acknowledging, accepting, managing, embracing our differences may also be important towards developing not only a passionate love but also a compassionate love, mature perspective, enabling the dynamic relationship to transform, evolve. - see also Consummate Love. Marriage counselling and relationship therapy can support us in negotiating our way through relationship's realignments, phases, stages, necessary realignment. (See also Positive Relationship Ingredients)

Being Together Through Relationship Struggles

Facing Challenges Living together, sharing our life with someone is one of the greatest trials we face and can remind us of echoes back in time. How we manage the struggles (and any power struggles), differences between us, any changes in our relationship or marriage, can be challenging and explored in the relationship counselling and marriage therapy (see also Relationship Problems & Marriage Problems - Counselling London). We may struggle to "get" our partner or they us. We won't always see things the same way, holding different views on what a relationship means for us. What is important to one may not be important to another. Having regular couple meeting can help clarify things. We all get anxious when we're having problems in our relationships. To love, be loved and be happy together is a challenge to us all, as is rising to the challenges in our relationship. For various reasons some of us experience struggles in our relationships. We can't seem to please or reach our partner - or they may struggle to reach or please us. We can be in control (see Our Sensitivities - Pushing Each Other's Buttons, Counselling London) in some aspects of our relationship yet not in others. One or both of us may have become complacent in the relationship or marriage, which may have become transactional. We may have taken each other for granted, stopped being curious about each other. Our level of involvement in our relationship, and how we are involved, can present real challenges. It is never too late to address these issues, before, during or after any crisis. Change can be challenging yet it may be counterproductive to expect, want our partner to change. Being in the relationship, there for each other, protecting our relationship from our defensive egos, putting in the hard work, with and without compromising our own truth, companionship, maturity and respect, willingness to invest energy into stretching ourselves, and the relationship, to its fullest potential, loving all aspects of them, including the bits we find hard to love, may be important. (See also Finding Our Way Through Struggles)

Crisis - The Challenges Ahead In The Relationship

Responding To Challenges Some people view their life and relationships like a journey. We may have to face and respond to painful challenges, crisis on the way to making the relationship work better and thrive, so it's no longer stuck. Even if it seems impossible, we may want to rise to the challenge, face and overcome our obstacles. We can be heart-broken in the relationship or after its ending. The dilemma of "should I stay in the relationship or end it" can be very real sometimes, as may making our relationship work, transform, grow. "Getting by" and "making do" in the relationship, may no longer be enough. If there was an affair there will be challenges ahead for both of us. How, and whether, to revive it may be a challenge and these concerns can be brought to light in the relationship counselling and marriage therapy. (See also Continuing Or Ending The Relationship Or Marriage Counselling)

Relationship Growth, Transformation

Evolving Relationship We may have certain beliefs about love, e.g. that there should be complete acceptance, obedience to be loved for all of who we are. The relationship counselling or marriage counselling acknowledges that relationships shift, evolve and transform, that we can change how the relationship works by also making positive shifts between us. They have many phases, with sometimes uncomfortable transitions. They ebb and flow in terms of emotions, interests, and sense of ease. None of us are immune from the effects, triggers, hooks, repetition compulsions. The relationship can be close and intimate sometimes, yet distant and separate in others. One or both of us may experience loneliness, helplessness or rejection, holding little hope of changing this situation. The need to transform the relationship can bring its own dilemmas, which can call on us, or force us, to emotionally and sexually mature. The initial "magic" may have worn off and qualities, which were once endearing, may become annoying. It can be a challenge for some to weather the necessary adversities, disillusionment, and acceptance for our partner, for who they are and how they've changed and indeed how we've changed. We can turn to our partner in the hope that they will fulfil all our needs.

Evolving Individually & As A Couple When we do our own healing work it is more likely this will contribute to healing our relationship. Our individual work may include healing our wounded self alongside visualising, practising self-acceptance, closeness, bringing our self back home (re-owning all the aspects of us that may have been cut off), fully inhabiting our body, our self, so we gain a sense of comfort, internal safety and warmth and utilise our clear boundaries. Yet we can't just look in the mirror to see who we are - we need interactions with others to learn, grow. And it is through the vehicle of our relationship or marriage that everything unhealed in us can become triggered - either preventing us from loving ourselves and others or providing us with the opportunity to heal what needs to be healed (see also How Our Relationship Teaches Us Who We Are). The experience and challenges of our relationship or marriage - sharing love, companionship, fun, etc. can give us the opportunity to bring our false beliefs up to date as we heal, grow, personally evolve, learn about love, complement each other, be willing to change through this process, especially when we know what keeps us safe in the relationship, where love and creativity can be shared (not just out of the bedroom but also in it. (See also Maturity As A Couple)

Potential To Heal Our Relationship Or Marriage - Considerations Relationships heal when individuals heal - each person takes responsibility for their own feelings. We have all been wounded in some way. Yet those of us who were brought up in very loving and supportive families with parents who were able to share love with each other and to their children already have established neural pathways in their brain, and it may be natural for us to share love with an open heart. However many of us were raised by parents who were themselves wounded (see also Lack Of Love - Trying To Heal Our Parental Relationship From Our Wounded Self) and may have struggled in their own way to share love with each other and us or meet our emotional needs, so we may not have received an open-hearted role model and template for love yet we have the potential to heal beyond early bonding patterns and any attachment wounds (see also Our Intimate & Loving Relationships Now - Strengthening The Secure, Loving Lasting Attachment Bond Between Each Other). We too may have entered into a relationship with our own unhealed wounds from childhood that only become triggered in committed or intimate relationships, e.g. being controlling, projecting onto our partner our own unwanted painful feelings maybe through fear of rejection or fear of engulfment (see also Relationship Style, Attachment Patterns). Opening our heart, confidently embracing our strong vulnerability, healing our end of the relationship system, taking responsibility for withholding love or allowing ourselves to love, is our choice (see also The Need For Secure Emotional Connection - Healing From Our Early Attachment Wounds, Lack of Bonding). We may want to consider our whole-hearted desire, willingness to make the relationship work, have healthy boundaries and resilience in our relationship, be thoughtful, tolerant, considerate, empathic, determined, loyal and for both of us to be open to learning about ourselves, each other, love and trust, so we journey together through this healing process, without having unreasonable expectations (see also Crisis, Challenges, Changes & Transformations In The Relationship). The way we negotiate and respond to differences between us and whether we apologise, saying sorry when we mean it can be healing, as may protecting our relationship from our defensive egos, loving the parts of our partner we find hard to love. The therapeutic relationship can also be like a journey - be a space to experience and explore other relationships including that with our partner, where as we are loved, accepted for exactly how we are we can begin to accept, love ourselves, learn, heal and grow in our relationship. (See also Helping Our Relationship, Marriage Thrive, Flourish - Nourishing It)

Potential To Heal Our Relationship Or Marriage - A Mirror Of Opportunity Healing what we need to heal in ourself can also help us heal through our relationships with others. Our relationship provides us with the opportunities to heal so this time we can be loved, love others when we are free to be ourselves - all of who we are, accept ourselves, our partner and the relationship as it is, that we no longer have to be what others want us to be, that we are just our authentic self - being. As a child we may have compromised ourself in different ways to be accepted, loved, validated. The very relationship we have with our partner can also help heal any old wounds we carry so this time we don't have to be what we imagine others want us to be, cut off parts of ourselves, give ourselves away or not be real (see also Using Our Emotional Awareness & Skills To Support Our Relationship, Marriage). Our relationship can provide us with an opportunity to find our way through our struggles, heal as we learn to share love with each other in ways that may have not been mirrored to us in childhood - to be and be seen for who we really are. Our relationship with our partner now provides us with an opportunity to holding this true mirror up, if both partners are able to feel safe themselves, acknowledging, accepting, embracing, managing our differences, speak our truth and discuss concerns as they arise, ask for what we need alongside each of us finding our personal source of love, unconnected to our partner and this for some may include a spiritual connection. We can do this by both of us staying open to our feelings with an intent to learn about ourself and our partner, accept our differences, being kind to ourselves and our partner, making love a higher priority than avoiding pain and making our relationship a higher priority in our life in order for it to thrive. And having regular couple meetings can support us. (See also Relationship Growth, Transformation)

Transforming Our Relationship Being in a relationship facilitates opportunities, healing for us within the relationship. However, we can't change our partner, yet as we change, transform, or our partner changes, transforms, so too does the relationship or marriage and we can experience a domino effect (see also Crisis, Challenges, Changes & Transformations In The Relationship). These transformations within us, our partner, and the relationship, are not always synchronised or harmonious. Our moods, availability, preferences, values, interests can now seem out of synchronisation. For some this might mean the beginning of the end of the relationship, yet for others this realisation can be about accepting our differences, projections and an opportunity and challenge to adapt to a new and different phase of the relationship as it transforms. Purposefully stoking and keeping the fires of the relationship so they not only burn but also glow may call upon us to give, receive and share love. Intimacy may be important for us. We may want to maintain a meaningful connection with our partner exploring why we are with them. Reinvigorating our curiosity in the continuous process of learning about our partner may be a challenge. A spark may have gone from our relationship, as may sexual passion, desire, sexual union. Joy, laughter, humour and fun may be absent. Celebrating or marking our successes may be important. We may have chosen safety in our relationship, which may no longer be enough. The relationship may have changed to that of friendship only or like a parent/child or brother/sister. A challenge for some may be how to invigorate, enrich, nurture or accept their relationship so it flourishes, thrives. Change from this place of acceptance can be easier. It has been said that there is a solution to every problem, and how the couple resolve problems is up to them. A challenge for some may be to use change as an opportunity to enhance and deepen our relationship, reconfigure it, learn to solve problems as a couple, maintain meaningful connections, making things right before they get worse. The caring we give or receive in later life, may also play a role in how the relationship transforms. Marriage counselling and relationship psychotherapy can also be a vehicle to explore what else may be transforming for you and your relationship. (See also Reinvigorating, Enriching & Bringing Our Aliveness To The Relationship)

Counselling Questions You may have counselling questions regarding marriage change, relationship change, e.g.:

• Marriage Change - can a marriage change? Is changing a marriage possible?
• Changes in relationship - I am in a changing relationship, do changes in relationships go on forever?
• How to change your relationship?
• Relationship transitions - how can transition in relationship happen smoothly?
• Challenging relationship - are challenges in relationship inevitable?
• Relationship transformation - is transforming a relationship possible?
• Challenges in marriage - how do I respond to my marriage challenges?
• Relationship Change - can a relationship change? Is changing a relationship possible?

... back to Relationship Counselling, Marriage Counselling & Relationship Problems - Index