Counselling & Psychotherapy

Relationship Counselling, Marriage Counselling, Relationship Problems, Marriage Problems, Central London, Camden
Relationship Expectations, Disappointments, Hurt, Attitudes & Roles

Expectations & Disappointments In Relationships

Expectations, Assumptions About The Relationship Or Marriage We or our partner are likely to have different attitudes, expectations or assumptions of the relationship or marriage, and unless they are worked through, the foundations can be built on sand, rather than something more solid. (See also Thoughts & Beliefs) The importance we give to the relationship or marriage and what we value can vary enormously between the couple and we may have different outlooks. How we expected our relationship or marriage to evolve may not be how it has been. Our dreams of what our relationship or marriage should have been like may have become very different to how it is. We can be busy fantasising how the relationship "should be" without considering what we realistically expect. We may have assumed that what we like or value is what our partner does. We may never have imagined our partner spending so much time doing what they do. The weight we give to the relationship or marriage can vary between making it the very meaning of our existence or as a way of being secure with someone we care about and a lot in-between these two polarities. What they include & exclude may be very different to what we do. What we want to get from others may exceed what we contribute.

Personal Expectations Instead of expecting our partner to change, it can be a challenge to understand them, their situation, and be compassionate. We may believe that our aloneness or loneliness is to do with our relationship or marriage, yet it may be connected to what's happening inside us or a struggle to create intimacy within the relationship. Counselling & psychotherapy can also look at what expectations belong to you, what might belong to your partner, and explore what might be shared expectations. We may also take into consideration any assumptions, expectations you are holding based on how things should be, how you were brought up (e.g. what was normal, what wasn't, what is right & wrong, beliefs, sacred cows, etc.)

Dissatisfaction In Us, Our Part In The Relationship Or Marriage We may have illusions about love & how relationships should be. Our desire to love may exceed our capacity to do so. Our patience may be in short supply. And we can compensate for this by rationalising, blaming us or our partner. Some of us may use our disappointment, showing we are upset, to get our partner to feel sorry for us, which may not work in the long run. Our expectations may be unrealistic, causing frustration or disappointment. For example some of us may be seeking a perfect relationship or are seeking a love that can't be met. We may want to examine what we do with our realistic expectations and how we manage our personal disappointments.

We may need or expect:

• To be able to talk everything through & find resolution
• That we & our partner should never argue, fight or withdraw, always take care of each other & agree on everything
• A wonderful sexual relationship, full of sexual passion
• Each other to take their own responsibility for their own feeIings, able to share love, rather than expect our partner to fill us up with their love
• To have a lot of fun & easily laugh together
• To have similar interests
• Our partner to financially contribute
• A certain level of contribution towards the household & childcare
• Respect, admiration & deep trust
• A relationship full of affection, holding, cuddling & kissing
• To find each other infinitely interesting, look forward to being together & sharing ideas
• Companionship
• The same religious beliefs
• Shared, common spiritual values
• Other …

Disappointment In Our Partner, The Relationship Or Marriage Sometimes we may feel disappointed with our partner, relationship or marriage, and because we feel disappointed, we may rush to believing that it has to end as if there is no other choice. Most of relationships have disappointments from time to time and our challenge may be to manage and respond differently to our disappointment. Some of us may have had the experience of falling out of love, because what we thought we saw has changed. Our feeIings have changed, despite the fact that the person we are with is still the same person. The person who once lit up our Iife may appear to us differently, often smaller. We may wonder how we could ever have loved that person. The problem might not be with our partner, but with how we manage our disappointments & expectations, how we love or be loving, in spite of suffering setbacks. We may need to take into consideration our own preconceived perceptions that others are the way they are, the world is there, and how we see it is dependent on how we perceive it.

Our Hurt

What We Do With Our Hurt The counselling & psychotherapy can help us look at what we do with what our partner says or does, the hurt we feel. We may not have expected them to behave in the way they have or say the things they have, yet we can choose our response. Some of us can feel like a victim or martyr, be easily hurt or overly sensitive, which can also be explored in counselling & psychotherapy. We may be competitive with our partner, who can hurt the other the most or with "who is hurting more" attitude. Relating to our partner from our hurt place may compound problems. We may blame them for our feelings of hurt. We may try to get our partner to take responsibility for our own hurt. Holding on to our emotional hurt, we may struggle to forgive. Our hurt now may also be connected to past hurts, which may go back to our childhood experiences. We may be hurt for understandable reasons and the therapy can be a space for you to be heard & supported. We may also struggle with asserting ourself, fearing conflict or confrontation, because we don't want to hurt or upset our partner.

Attitudes In The Relationship Or Marriage

The Attitudes We Choose The attitudes we hold can be the "making or breaking" of the relationship or marriage, and these can be considered in the counselling. We don't have to allow our partner's mood to rub off on us, and although we can't change our partners attitude, we can choose our own responses & attitude, e.g. whether to be positive or negative. We may prefer our partner not to be the way they are, to be somebody else or hope that they become different over time, yet this doesn't happen. We may not want to upset our partner, and because of this, hold back. Developing a compassionate, enduring way of loving may be a challenge for some. The counselling & psychotherapy can explore with you what other attitudes you may want to choose to hold.

Relationship Roles, Characteristics & Patterns

Specific Roles Both we & our partner may be stuck in a variety of inflexible roles, that we take on, which may no longer be helpful. These roles may have become quite fixed, like territories (see also Locked Into Positions In Our Relationship). We may assume, expect, that "our roles are these", "their roles should be that". In this set-up in the relationship or marriage, we may have taken on certain characteristics, as if they are our personality traits (e.g. optimist coming up against the pessimist, the complainer vs the rebel, the pursuer vs. pursued, any many other roles ...). Despite our best efforts we seem to be unable to make our partner change. Whatever we try, proves futile. It is known that if we cannot be happy internally, it is unlikely that we will be happy with anyone else. Disharmony with our relationship may indicate that we first need to be in harmony with ourseIf by developing inner security, resilience, responsibility, confidence & acceptance. There may be a dance between an emotionally avoidant & emotionally dependent partner. Some couples have found the courage & humour to consciously reverse roles, characteristics for a while, which can end up breaking old patterns of behaving. We may want to examine what role we personally play, become more selfassured as a man or woman in the relationship. Some of these roles may include:

• The pleaser, pacifier or fixer
• The victim or martyr, the rescuer or the persecutor
• The intimacy avoider
• The jealous one
• The controlling, competitive, blaming, criticising one

Relationship Patterns Expectations, roles & patterns may have been formed, which no longer serve us or benefit the relationship. There may be a dance between one of us being emotionally avoidant, the other being emotionally dependent. We may have learnt to keep a safe distance, sharing little of who we really are with our partner. In our attempt to constantly manage & control everything, we may want to keep everything safe & known. One of us may have become lazy in the relationship, whereas the other one works hard. We may have begun to neglect our self, our partner & the relationship. There may be a pattern of blame, criticism, withdrawal. Arguments & conflicts may be frequent. We may shut down, not engage & our partner may get frustrated. Conflict de-escalation and the ability to step aside & reflect can help alongside considering new ground rules. Some of us may pull back from the relationship by being physically present but emotionally absent. One of us may have become overly compliant, cooperative & supportive, yet realise over time we have lost our sense of who we are, that we can no longer give way ourselves as a matter of our own integrity.

Changing What We Want To Change Some of the patterns & roles may be familiar to us in previous relationships. We may have noticed familiar themes in how previous relationships have been or ended. We may get to a certain stage of the relationship, and something familiar happens. Stuck in old, familiar roles or patterns we may want to try new ones. Counselling & psychotherapy can help shed light upon our patterns, their sources & offer other perspectives. Changing what we want to change may now be important for us.

Balance In The Relationship Or Marriage

Balance Sometimes our partner may lack the ability or motivation to offer an equal input into solving problems (see also When Our Partner Isn't Acknowledging A Problem). This may not be ideal, yet that is the way it is, and we may struggle to accept this. Their strengths may lie in other areas, and sometimes our courage & strength may be needed to compensate where necessary. We may be looking to our partner to provide for us our needs, making them responsible. By doing this we may struggle to function in a whole manner, calling upon our partner to be responsible for our unmet needs. We may assume or believe that each in the relationship should give equally to achieve a balance. We may not have considered balance in terms how much we give to the relationship and how much we give to us, that what we provide for ourself is not negotiable. Taking care of our own needs, asserting ourself in a healthy way, so we don't make our partner responsible for our own needs, may give us a personal sense of balance. The question of balance in the relationship may not necessarily be between us & our partner, but also between balancing our needs against the needs of our relationship or marriage, so the source of our own contentment lies within us from our mental, physical, emotional & spiritual strengths. These qualities within us enable us to be strong, so we are able to attend to any demands of our relationship or marriage. Our personal boundaries can support us.

Giving & Receiving To Each Other To give generously, without expectations, wanting anything back in return, accepting whatever comes back or doesn't can be a challenge for some. Others may have no problem giving, but struggle to receive with generosity & open heart.

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