Counselling & Psychotherapy

Relationship Counselling, Marriage Counselling, Relationship Problems, Marriage Problems, Central London, Camden
Relationship Expectations, Disappointments, Hurt, Attitudes & Roles

Expectations & Disappointments In Relationships

We or our partner are likely to have different expectations or assumptions of the relationship or marriage, and unless they are worked through, the foundations can be build on sand, rather than something more solid. (See also Thoughts & Beliefs) The importance we give to the relationship or marriage can vary enormously between the couple and we may have different outlooks. The weight we give to the relationship can vary between making it the very meaning of our existence or as a way of being secure with someone we care about. We can be busy fantasising how the relationship "should be" without considering what we realistically expect. What we want to get from others may exceed what we contribute. Instead of expecting our partner to change, it can be a challenge to understand them, their situation, and be compassionate.

Dissatisfied, we may have illusions about love & how relationships should be. No woman or man is perfect and it can be impossible for some of us to live up to what we envisage as the perfect relationship, or way of loving. We all fall short of this, and some of us struggle with accepting our failures & limitations, and therefore our partner's. Our desire to love may exceed our capacity to do so, and we can compensate this by rationalising, blaming us or our partner. Our expectations may be unrealistic, causing frustration or disappointment. Our patience may be in short supply. Also, some of us may be almost addicted to love. Our longed for search for the perfect relationship may point to what we idealise or a deeper search for a union, which is not humanly possible. Our search may also include a deep longing or yearning, which can be considered in the therapy. We may want to examine what we do with our expectations and how we manage our personal disappointments. Some of us may use our disappointment, showing we are upset, to get our partner to feel sorry for us, which may not work in the long run. Counselling & psychotherapy can also look at what expectations belong to you, what might belong to your partner, and explore any shared expectations. We may also take into consideration any assumptions, expectations you are holding based on how you were brought up (e.g. what was normal, what wasn't, what is right & wrong, beliefs, sacred cows, etc.)

We may need or expect:

• To be able to talk everything through & find resolution
• That we & our partner should never argue, fight or withdraw, always take care of each other & agree on everything
• A wonderful sexual relationship, full of sexual passion
• Each other to take their own responsibility for their own feeIings, able to share love, rather than expect our partner to fill us up with their love
• To have a lot of fun & easily laugh together
• To have similar interests
• Our partner to financially contribute
• A certain level of contribution towards the household & childcare
• Respect, admiration & deep trust
• A relationship full of affection, holding, cuddling & kissing
• To find each other infinitely interesting, look forward to being together & sharing ideas
• Companionship
• The same religious beliefs
• Shared, common spiritual values
• Other …

Our Hurt

Although we may be hurt for understandable reasons, the counselling & psychotherapy can help us look at what we do with what our partner says or does, and at the same time allow the space for you to be heard & supported. We may not have expected them to behave in the way they have or say the things they have, yet we can choose our response. Our hurt now may also be connected to past hurts, which may go back to our childhood experiences. We may try to get our partner to take responsibility for our own hurt. Some of us can be easily hurt, and this too can be explored in counselling & psychotherapy.

Attitudes In The Relationship Or Marriage

The attitudes we hold can be the "making or breaking" of the relationship or marriage, and these can be considered in the counselling. We don't have to allow our partner's mood to rub off on us, and although we can't change our partners attitude, we can choose our own attitude, e.g. to be positive. We may like our partner to be somebody else or hope that they become different over time. We may not want to upset our partner, and because of this, hold back. Developing a compassionate, enduring way of loving may be a challenge for some.

Our Own Perception

Some of us may have had the experience of falling out of love, because what we thought we saw has changed. Our feeIings have changed, despite the fact that the object of what we perceived has not changed. The person who once lit up our Iife appears to us differently, often smaller. We may wonder how we could ever have loved that person. The problem might not be with our partner, but with how we manage our disappointments & expectations. The therapy can take into consideration our own perception that the world is there, and how we see it is dependent on how we perceive it.

Relationship Roles & Patterns

One of us may have become lazy in the relationship, whereas the other one works hard. We may shut down, not engage & our partner may get frustrated. Some of us may pull back from the relationship by being physically present but emotionally absent. Keeping this safe distance we may share little of who we really are with our partner. One of us may keep testing the other – how far we can go, or they be pushed. Love may have been usurped by power/control struggles. In our attempt to constantly manage & control everything, we may want to keep everything safe & known. One of us may have become overly compliant, cooperative & supportive, yet realise over time we have lost our sense of who we are, that we can no longer give way as a matter of our integrity. Emotions may be difficult to verbalise, hear or understand, if we are stuck in an "I'm right, you're wrong" scenario. One or both may play "top dog" or indeed act like the injured party in the relationship. Subtle (or not so subtle) power games or emotional bullying can occur. We can become competitive in unproductive ways by an "I'm-suffering-more-than-you" response. We may have put more emphasis on being right or winning than loving. Conflict de-escalation and the ability to step aside & reflect can help.

Despite our best efforts we seem to be unable to make our partner change. Whatever we try, proves futile. It is known that if we cannot be happy internally, it is unlikely that we will be happy with anyone else. Disharmony with our relationship may indicate that we first need to be in harmony with ourseIf by developing inner security, resilience, responsibility, confidence & acceptance. Both we & our partner may be stuck in a variety of inflexible roles, that we take on, which may no longer be helpful (e.g. the pursuer vs. pursued, any many other roles...). We may want to find out the role that we personally play in the relationship, become more selfassured in the relationship as a sexual man or woman. Some of these roles may include:

• The pleaser, pacifier or fixer
• The victim or martyr, the rescuer or the persecutor
• The intimacy avoider
• The jealous one
• The controlling, competitive, blaming, criticising one

Letting Ourselves Go

After those early romantic encounters, the chase well & truly over, one or both of us may have begun to neglect either us, our partner, or the relationship. Uninterested, it can be as if we are simply settled, having become comfortable with our lot, not bothering much anymore (e.g. not taking care of our weight, condition, appearance, personal hygiene & grooming, sliding into bad habits). Any efforts we made in those early days have become distant memories. We may have forgotten to care for us & our partner in the way we used to. Fully engaging in conversation, planning outings, doing things together, developing mutual interests may have become a thing of the past. We may believe that romance is something we only do in our dating phase. We may have neglected nurturing the sexual & spiritual uplifting sides of our relationship or marriage. Rekindling the relationship or marriage may be a concern.

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